He pulls his hand from mine. "Why are you doing this?"
"I told you . . ."
"And I know you're lying out of your ass. You want to be free to what? To hook up with random guys? To go party? Maybe I'd buy it if you were going away somewhere where no one knew you? Even then it would be a hard sell."
"It's what everyone expects, why not give them what they want? Why hold on to each other when we're going to be torn apart in the end? We'll both be better off."
He shakes his head, "Neither of us will be better off. I'll miss you like crazy, and I have to believe I mean more to you than this, that the reason you're doing this is because I mean so much to you and you're afraid."
"You know I love you."
"Then don't be so sure we'll crash and burn, give us a chance."
I can't look at him anymore. I can't listen. Each word he speaks is a spike in my heart. I reach for the door handle, he reaches out and grabs my other arm.
"You're not Jess," I hear desperation in his voice. It's a sound I never want to hear from him. It's hard to breathe, like a gorilla is using my chest as a trampoline. "And I'm not Mike. You're so much stronger than she is. You won’t make the same mistakes she made."
I open the door and shoot to my feet. I know I could do it now with conviction. "And notice the one thing you didn't say, 'I won't cheat on you.' Goodbye, Brayden."
"Kenzie!" I hear him call after me, "Come back!"
I don't. I continue straight into my house and close the door behind me as fast as I can. I lean my back against the door, paralyzed, listening for his car to leave. I'm so torn, I know I did the right thing for both of us, but I want to run back out to him and tell him I didn't mean it. I struggle to stay where I am, glued in place. Minutes pass before I hear the engine of Brayden's car start up. As he drives off, I allow the reality of what I just did to sink in. I just kicked Brayden Turner, my once incredible boyfriend, out of my life.
*
If only I had the strength to stick to my convictions, maybe we'd all be better off. But I'm weak. Weak, down deep in my heart and soul where I wish I could find a bit of strength stored away. Days pass, and while I don't reach out to Brayden, I don't cut all ties the way I know I should.
After a few days he cools off. That's when the texts start up.
Hey.
I miss you.
I can't help myself.
I miss you, too.
In a surprise visit, he stops by my house the night before he leaves for school. My parents invite him in, even though they have no idea if I want to see him or not. They know we broke up and that we haven't seen each other in more than a week but they don't know why. I don't make a move to come out to see him, not even when they call for me. They don't pick up on the subtlety of that hint and send him away. No. Instead they send him up to my room. I panic when I hear the footsteps coming near. I have no time to react before he'll catch a glimpse of the evidence scattered about, proving how deep in my heart Brayden lives.
"You sleep with my football?" I turn, and there he is standing just inside the doorjamb, my heart thrums.
I stare a moment too long, wanting to throw my arms around him, and fighting the urge with every ounce of will power I have. After a moment, I follow his gaze and see the top of the football poking out from under my covers; the game ball from his last high school game ever. Instead of keeping it, he gave it to me, claiming I kept him inspired the entire season. I never before let on how much I treasure it.
"I don't sleep with a football," I scoffed. "Eww. That's gross."
I can tell from his smile he doesn't believe me. "You know, just say the word and you can replace the football with the real thing."
I look at the floor, because it's easier than looking in his eyes and finding hurt and disappointment that replaced the love I'm used to finding there.
"Shouldn't you be home packing?"
"Done. I leave in the morning."
I nod. "I know."
He runs his hand through his hair and looks away, pulling at my heartstrings with his shy abashed look. The look I thought was an act until I got to know him.
"I have a favor to ask."
"I'm listening."
"You know, in college, homecoming is a pretty big deal."
"And?"
"Well I was thinking, maybe, if I don't really hit it off with any of the dozens of girls you want me to hook up with," my heart screams at the sound of his words. I don't want to hear anymore, I want him to stop. "Maybe you'll be my guest for homecoming?"
"I don't think that's a good idea." I keep my eyes fixed on the fibers of my carpet so he can't see how sharp the thought of him with "dozens of girls" is.
"Which part?" he steps closer, and using his index finger, tilts my chin up so I look into his eyes.
"I think you know which part."
"Yeah, that's what I thought. You have a bigger issue coming to see me at homecoming than you do with me . . ."
"That's not true and you know it."
He shakes his head, looking frustrated. "No, Kenzie, I don't. Right now I don't know anything."
"Fine, then I'll clear it up. I'm not asking you to hook up with, 'dozens of girls.' I'm not asking you to hook up with any girls. And if you do, I sure as hell don't want to know about it."
"Why not? Isn't that why you want me to be free?"
My eyes water. Why is he doing this?
Brayden inches closer to me. He's so close I can feel the heat of his body bouncing off mine. His hands move to the bottom of my neck as his fingers weave into hair. My pulse races, blood surges hard and fast through my veins. We haven't touched or kissed in days and the anticipation of what he'll do next drives me mad.
"Don't you want me to go over to the hot girls at parties," his voice is low, I feel his breath against my lips. "And flirt with them?"
I shake my head, willing him to kiss me.
"Don't you want me to take a long look into their eyes," his eyes hold me captive, unable to break free from the emotional hold he has on me. "And kiss them?" he leans forward, his mouth centimeters from mine, so close I can taste the mintyness of his breath. "Don't you want me to get close to them?" one hand moves down to my lower back as he pulls me against his body. "Aren't I supposed to make them wish I would touch them everywhere, the way I used to touch you?" His eyes rake over my body, from my eyes to my lips, to my chest, all the way down.
He breaks me. That's his goal and he succeeds. "Please, stop." I sound pathetic. Its bad enough my voice is low, barely audible, but it has to crack, too?! I sound like a prepubescent boy. "Please don't do this."
"Why not? You said you want to be free to party and hook up with other guys. And this way I'm free to fu . . . "
"Stop!" I cover his mouth with my hand. I don't want to hear the end of that sentence.
He pulls my hand away from his mouth. "I'm just asking you to come to homecoming with me so I can take my time getting back into the dating scene. If you say yes it doesn't change anything, I get it. We're still broken up."
"Fine. If you still want me to go with you when the time comes, I'll be there."
He nods. "Thanks."
"Brayden," my voice rises at the end of his name. Why can't I sound as confident and assured as he does? "I love you."
"Bye, Kenzie."
He turns and leaves, taking a chunk of my heart with him.
*
A new day means I'm one day closer to the homecoming dance. I'd be lying if I don't admit I want to go. I want to see him, to touch him, to be with him. The thought of being in Brayden's arms again, even if for just one night makes the days bearable. On the first day of school Brayden texts me throughout the day.
OMG you should see this prof with his comb over. If a strong wind blows I think he might fly away.
Just finished Freshman Seminar, I still don't know the point of this class. Is it even a class or is the point to socialize?
Public Speaking-Did someone forget to shower, o
r did a skunk die in this room? How are your classes going?
Each time my phone chimes alerting me to a message, my mood lifts and my heart picks up speed. I can't fight the excitement I feel knowing he still cares, knowing I'm on his mind. It's like we're still together, and I start to question my decision. What's the harm in trying? I think I might even suggest it, but then that's it, they just stop. Nothing that night, or the next day. No communication at all. And nothing the day after that.
My mind betrays me with thoughts and images of Brayden at school, flirting with another girl. Flirting with a lot of other girls. When Scott and I broke up he went through girls like cookies in a taste test, one after the other. I didn't care what Scott did, but Brayden felt I needed an explanation. He said Scott was just trying to prove something to the guys. I wonder if Brayden is in that same frame of mind trying to prove something to himself?
I try to get him off my mind by talking to Olivia, but she's away at school too. A different school than Brayden, but it doesn't make me feel any less like I'm left behind in a cloud of dust. When I do speak to her, she can't contain her excitement.
"OMG, Kenzie. It is amazing here! My roommate and I have partied every night since we got here!"
"Just be careful. I've heard how crazy those college parties can get."
"We haven't been invited to actual parties yet, but there are these guys that live upstairs, and they always have a stocked fridge."
"What about Josh?"
"We agreed what happens at school stays at school, and when we go home we'll see if we still want to be together."
Funny, it seems like an easy enough agreement. Its a win/win situation. Screw around at school as much as you want, and then come home to the one that you love. It's a situation I wouldn't be able to handle. I need to keep the conversation going so she doesn't bring up Brayden. She tried to convince me to call him and ask for another chance before she left for school
"I guess you're getting along with your roommate then?"
"She's great. We don't have any classes together or anything, but she's a lot of fun. She even has me checking out the sororities with her."
"Wow, I'm glad to hear things are going so well."
Sororities. Soon I'll lose my best friend to a bunch of phony want-to-be-popular girls. Soon she won't have a need for me at all, not with all the new sisters she's sure to buy.
I hate myself.
Why can't I be happy for them? Why does it hurt so much that two of the most important people in my life are moving on, correction moved on, and I'm left at the start line? Deep down I want them to be happy, both of them. That's why I broke up with Brayden. I want him to lead the amazing life he's supposed to, without any complications or distractions.
Sunday night my phone rings. I look at the incoming number and my heart leaps. I shouldn't be so excited to hear from him. Maybe if I'm not, I could keep up the charade.
"Hey, college boy."
"Hey."
"How are you?"
"Missing you." There's a wistfulness about his voice that makes me want to reach through the phone lines and hug him.
"It's been a while since I heard from you. I guess you've been busy having fun."
"Who says I'm having fun? I just said I miss you."
"I thought since I hadn't heard from you since classes started . . ."
"I would've called Friday, but I didn't want you to feel like I was trying to hold you back from all the parties you need to be free to go to."
I squeeze my eyes shut. "I didn't go anywhere Friday night. Besides school just started."
"Can you at least admit that it's bullshit?"
"Brayden . . ."
"Here's the deal, it's over a month since we broke up. I'm lying on my bed and all I can think about is you. We were great together, and I keep wondering what I did wrong to lose the best thing that's ever happened to me. And the thing is, I can't come up with anything. Not one thing."
I'm glad we're not talking in person. This way he can't see the tears in my eyes. "Because you did nothing wrong. I don't think it's possible for you to do anything wrong. It's not in your DNA. It's me. Everything in my life has been fucked up over the last year, and I know firsthand how that can affect the other people in your life. I'll hate myself if I somehow screw things up for you."
"You won't. Besides what do you think is so great about my life? That I'm in college? That I'm on the football team? Big shit. I'm a red shirt freshman, I won't even play this year. And even if I did, I'd give it all up for you in a heartbeat."
"Don't you see? I don't ever want you to have to make that choice, and that's what scares me the most."
"I can't see it happening, but if it did and I ever needed to make the choice it would be mine to make. You took it away from me. Like I'm too dumb to know what I want."
"You're far from dumb."
"Doesn't it bother you? Don't you feel anything? Did you love me at all?"
"Of course it bothers me. It's killing me knowing you’re so far and that you'll meet someone else and fall in love. That I'll be nothing but a memory; your high school sweetheart."
"I need to see you."
"No."
"Yes. I'm on my way." The phone line goes dead.
*
I can't help but stare at the clock and wonder if he really is coming. Although I told him not to, I miss him like crazy and hope he won't listen. Brayden makes it to my house in an hour and forty-three minutes to be exact.
I hear the pounding beat of music coming from a car radio outside. I know its him. I rush from my bedroom, down the stairs. I think about opening the front door before the bell rings, but I don't want to him to realize how eager I am to see him. Then I realize he must be pretty eager to see me too, or else he wouldn't be here.
I look off into the living room. My parents aren't there. The lights in the kitchen are still on, so I know they didn't go to bed for the night. Still, it'll be better if they never know Brayden is here, less questions to answer. I tell myself if I open the door before the bell sounds through the house, they won't have to know.
By the time I make the decision, Brayden stands in front of me, his finger outstretched to ring the bell. His eyes shift over to where I stand. Neither of us move, or say anything. I'm not even sure either of us breathes. I stare at the godlike figure in front of me, so taken by him, I wonder how in only a few weeks I'd lost my immunity to his looks.
Forever passes before either of us speaks.
The soft brown eyes staring back into mine are just as awed with me. By now I know him well enough to recognize the hunger and desire in his eyes. I thank goodness that's what I find in his long, smoldering stare, and not cold, hard anger.
I step back and clear my throat. "Come in."
Brayden doesn't say anything, but follows my lead. Once I close the door, I take his hand, and without another word lead him to my bedroom. Hidden safely behind my closed door, I turn to face him. He stands only inches away from me, well into my personal space. I look up at him, eager to see his beautiful face again. Brayden doesn't waste time with words, he pulls me in his arms and holds me tight.
I don't try to fight him, or push him away. Instead I cling to him, as if he's oxygen and I'm down to my last breath. I let down the armor surrounding my heart and let him inside. I hate that he's hurting, that I am the cause of his pain. I don't want us to hurt, either of us. As I'm about to spill my guts and tell him how much I love and miss him, his hands move from my back to my head. Holding me so I can't look down or away. Our eyes lock on each other. Before I can speak or think his mouth crushes mine.
Knowing any resistance I put up would only be for show, I don't bother trying. The swirling in my belly I felt when I first saw him gives way to a pulsing need. I not only want to feel him against me, to feel how much he wants me, I need it. I need the reassurance that I'm still the most important girl in his life.
In a frenzy his mouth moves over my skin, exploring my neck and shoulder
. His hands journey from my head down my sides, under my shirt, up to my breasts. My back arches toward his touch as he squeezes greedy handfuls of my flesh. I hear his name pass my lips in a breathless cry. All I can do is hold on to him for dear life, and hope he won't drive us over a cliff.
As fast and furious as he came at me, it’s not enough; I want more. I back us up to my bed and pull him down on top of me, wrapping my legs around his hips. I can't get enough of the fire he lit inside me. He's here, in the flesh and I never want to let him go again. Feeling his arousal against me, I gasp and close my eyes.
Then it all comes to an abrupt end. He pulls away and slips through my fingers.
Braden stands and steps back. I wonder how there could be so much distance between us so quickly. Even though only one step away, I feel like he crossed to the other side of the room. I sit up, and stretch my hand out to touch him again, but he doesn't let me.
"Brayden?"
"Don't tell me you don't still love me."
"Of course I still love you. I never said I didn't." I stand and move to him.
"We can make this work. I can be home every weekend. I know you don't have a lot of time between school and babysitting Jess, so I'll come to you during the week. Just give us a chance."
I reach for his face, wondering if he'll push me away. "You don't have time. Between school and football, I just don't fit in."
"Of course you do. You fit into my life because I want you there. I hate this. I hate being without you."
"Brayden . . ."
"I'll give up football."
"You can't! You have so much talent and skill."
He turns and walks away from me. "Don't you get it Kenzie? It's not what I want, it's what everyone else wants for me." His eyes narrow, his face clouds with anger, as my words sink in. "Even you. I thought you cared about me, but you're just like everyone else."
"No." I close the distance between us and take his hands in mine. "But it's a way for you to get through school. Use it. Take advantage of it." My eyes fall to the floor. "I would."
"This is why I stayed away from relationships. You think I wanted to fall in love my senior year? That I wanted to risk having my heart trampled on? Damn it, there wasn't one girl that could hold my attention for more than a few weeks, not one before you. And I gave you everything I could. I gave you my heart. And you threw me away."
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