Regret Me Not

by Danielle Sibarium

  "How are we going to do this so Mom and Dad don't find out?"

  She smirks. "I've been seen by so many doctors over the last year, they don't even look at the explanation of benefits anymore. They won't notice. And with all the privacy laws, you can prevent the doctor's office from giving out any information, or mailing anything, or even leaving a message on the answering machine. No one has to know unless you want to tell them. Trust me."

  Trust her. How ironic that if not for her I wouldn't have considered bailing on Brayden or our relationship in the first place. If not for the mistakes my big sister made I might be delusional enough to believe love can conquer all. Yet here I am putting all my trust and faith in the one person who least deserves it.

  I have to wait until the second week in December for my appointment. At times I don't think I'll make it. My mother notices that I'm preoccupied. Apparently putting dirty clothes in the coat closet and the car keys in the freezer raises flags.

  "Mackenzie, can we talk?" My mother looks pale as she tries to initiate a conversation before I leave for school.

  "It's not really the best time. I don't want to be late for class."

  "Honey, I'm really worried about you. You haven't been yourself lately, and I want you to know that you can talk to me."

  Oh shit, does she know? Does she suspect? I rub my forehead, wondering how to bullshit my way out of this. "I'm fine, Mom. Just stressed. Finals are coming up, and I really want to ace them."

  She puts her hand on my shoulder. "I'm sure you'll do fine. You're very smart. I know I shouldn't worry about you, but I can't help it. I feel like with everything revolving around your sister this last year, I should be paying more attention to you." Great, she picked the perfect time to remember she has another daughter. "Especially since you've been dealing with your first major heartbreak all on your own."

  I take a deep breath, hoping to suck in enough oxygen to keep me from getting light headed. I can't do this. I need to get away from her. "Mom, I really have to go," I glance at her. I don't expect to find disappointment in her eyes. If I did, I'd avoid them, the same way I seem to avoid anything else that feels like a fist clenching my heart tight.

  *

  I don't quite lie outright to my mother. Aside from stressing over feeling like crap from the unwanted pregnancy and the empty feeling in my chest from missing Brayden, I do worry about finals. The only chance I have of getting out of our town is to prove myself academically and hope I can earn scholarship money for next year, however unlikely that is. Each day, the further along I go without destroying the thing growing inside me, the less likely it seems that I really will. Unwanted thoughts pop into my mind. Thoughts I'd never had before. I become obsessed with the idea of ending it, ending all of it; school, the baby, my life. Once I start to think of it as a baby, I know I'm in trouble.

  I don't want the conflicting emotions of the hormonal roller coaster I seem to be on. Suddenly car commercials are making me cry. Granted it's a commercial showing how a baby and a car age together through the years. I wonder how I allowed myself to start to think of it as anything other than a cancerous growth that needs to be cut out and removed. If Brayden did know, what would he say? I wish he would say something to me. Anything at all. That's the most ironic part of the whole situation. The only person that would truly be hurt if I do choose to end my life wouldn't even know I am gone.

  Each time the world becomes too much, I close my eyes and go to sleep. Each day that I wake I tell myself, "Today is a new day, and everything will be better." But it never gets better, or easier.

  Finally the day of my appointment arrives. Excited to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, I wake early. It’s a Wednesday, and my first class is at ten. Never quite a morning person I make sure I leave myself plenty of time to get up, get ready and get to school. The plan is to pick Jessica up after my classes. We'll tell my mother we're going to spend some girl time shopping.

  I can't focus on the irrelevant things my professors say. They talk, and I listen, but my mind is a million miles away, or at least as far as the doctor's office is. As I sit watching the hour glass on my psychology professor's desk, I swear it’s not working. I can't see the grains of sand slip through the skinny hole in the middle into the large cup on the bottom. He uses this as a measurement of time instead of a clock, so he can see how much time he has until the end of the class. It’s more of a visual aid than a timekeeper if you ask me. As I sit there willing each grain of sand to fall, he sits on the front of his desk staring at me, eyes narrowed as if he's trying to figure something out.

  Someone who studies psychology, or knows enough to teach it knows how to read people, at least enough to know when something is off. And in studying me, he pounces.

  "Mackenzie, can you tell me what Freud's first two stages of development are and how they differ from Erikson's?"

  I sit straighter in my chair feeling dozens of eyes on me. Luckily it's an easy question, one I know in my sleep. I just hate the fact that everyone is queuing in on my weakness.

  "Um . . . Freud's first stage of development starts at birth, trust vs. mistrust."

  I hear snickers and laughter coming from some girls behind me.

  "I think you're a bit confused, Mackenzie."

  "A lot is more like it." A girl snickers. I don't bother to look back; I recognize the voice, Alana. Bitch!

  "If Mackenzie is getting confused, that only goes to prove the trouble the rest of you are in. Make sure you study for the final. Know the stages of development for Freud, Erikson and Piaget. Be able to discuss and contrast them in detail."

  The class shuffles around as the last grains of sand fall. I grab my books and stand, ready to leave. Alana and one of her minions stop at the desk in front of me.

  "I can't wait for Brayden to come home for winter break, then we can pick up where we left off at Thanksgiving."

  I don't miss how she looks back over her shoulder at me. I want to throw up. He's with Alana?!? That phony, prissy bitch?

  "Wow, I wonder how long you've been waiting for me to hear you were together. It must have been burning your ass that you haven't gotten a reaction out of me yet."

  She smiles, raising one perfectly waxed eyebrow.

  "Sorry to burst your bubble, but you're not important enough for me to think about. Just know, if you insist on eavesdropping like this, you're bound to hear things that that will hurt you."

  Before I can take a swing and use her face as a punching bag, Mr. Bainer approaches my desk.

  "Everything okay, girls?"

  "Fine," I nod not looking at him.

  "Can I speak to you for a minute, Mackenzie?"

  I swallow hard, wondering what he could want. "Of course."

  With the toss of her hair, Alana turns and heads off with a smug I-won-this-battle, "Humph."

  "Mackenzie, are you alright?" He asks after the other girls are gone.

  I nod, "Yeah, fine. Why?"

  "You're a good student. You knew the stages of development before we ever went over them, but your answer today was off."

  "We all have bad days."

  "True." He puts his hand on my shoulder. "You seem a bit distracted lately, and I just want you to know we have resources if you need to talk."

  "Is that your way of telling me I should go see a shrink?"

  He laughs. "No. It's my way of telling you if nothing's wrong you need to study. I'm expecting nothing lower than an A+ from you."

  "I will. I promise." I turn and take a few steps towards the door of the room. "Mr. Bainer, thank you."

  *

  Jessica is in front of our house waiting for me. Relieved I don't have to face my mother again, I pull over, unlock the car door, and wait for her to get in. Just a quick look in my direction and Jess knows something's wrong.

  "Are you okay?" she asked.

  "No. I'm not." I snap. "And you of all people should understand that. I haven't been okay for months, but it's nice of the world to final
ly take notice today."

  "Hey, calm down. What's wrong?"

  "You mean besides the obvious? My life sucks. Mom thinks something is wrong. I had a major brain fart in class today, and my professor is making sure I know what resources are available to me. And to top it all off, Brayden has moved on with some dimwit cheerleader from high school."

  "How do you know?"

  I sniffle, feeling my teeth chatter as I think back to the interaction with Alana. "She all but told me. It doesn't matter how I know, the important thing is I do."

  "That's even more reason why you need to tell him."

  "No. It's even more reason not to. Let's just get this over with, and then I can move forward and forget it ever happened."

  Jess sighs and puts her arm around my shoulder. "I know that's what you think you want, but you're never going to forget, Kenzie, never."

  "You don't know that. You can't possibly."

  I pull into the lot and park my car. "Jess . . ." I didn't know how to finish that sentence. There's so much I want to say, questions I want to ask, but words elude me.

  "It's okay, I'll be right by your side."

  "Thanks."

  "Come on." She takes my hand and leads me into the medical building.

  I've never been to the gynecologist before. Knowing this, Jessica prepared me for the examination the night before. She told me what to expect and how uncomfortable it could be.

  She fills out the endless amount of paperwork required before I can be seen and then starts talking to me about the latest celebrity sleaze. I didn't even know she keeps up with that.

  "Jess, what happened?"

  She stops speaking and takes a long look in my eyes. I don't have to clarify what I mean, she already knows.

  "I thought the world was focusing on you and your problems today."

  "Maybe I want to forget about my problems for a few minutes."

  Before Jessica can say anything more, I'm called into the back.

  "Do you want me to come in for the exam, too or should I wait out here for that part?"

  "Come with me."

  She nods, gets to her feet and takes my hand as she walks beside me. "You know," she leans in to whisper in my ear, "people are going to think we're lovers."

  I burst into laughter. "I'm glad you're here."

  "Me too, Sis. Me too."

  *

  I lie on the table, grateful my sister had enough sense to make my appointment with a female doctor. Dr. Stone begins the exam by going over the medical history on the pages I had to fill out. She follows up with some specific questions about the baby's father and paternal grandparents. I'm embarrassed I don't know the answers. I'm guessing Brayden was full term, but I don't know, and I certainly have no idea what his measurements were when he was born. She assures me it's not important and offers a smile. I know she's trying to make me feel better, but I'm only reminded that I'm young, pregnant and alone.

  Next comes the physical exam. I never had one before. I'm fine until she instructs me to slide all the way down on the table, and her focus turns to that part of me. I want to die. I can't believe women do this voluntarily. It plain old sucks. Jess stays seated in a chair behind my head during the exam. As soon as the doctor's ready to check on the baby, I feel Jess beside me, my hand in hers.

  My pulse rate quickens. My face is flush. I'm not sure if it's because of how mortifying the exam was, the sonogram, or the results of it that have me so nervous. I tighten my grip on Jessica's hand. I wish it were Brayden by my side. I'd heard about couples' excitement the first time they catch a glimpse of their bundle of joy. Not that I'm happy or excited in any way, but maybe that would be different if he were with me. My heart leaps as the doctor explains the image on the screen. The tiniest of lights flicker, that's the heart. My baby's heart. And then she plays with knobs allowing us to hear the swishing sound of the heartbeat.

  "Wow, Kenzie." Jessica tears up as she brushes the hair away from my forehead.

  For that moment, I allow myself to entertain the thought of allowing the alien looking thing inside me to grow and develop into a sweet, helpless baby.

  "Do you know what it is?"

  I don't know why I ask. I'm not ready to start sorting through names, but I want to know.

  "No, it's too soon. By twenty weeks we should be able to tell, as long as the little munchkin cooperates."

  Before shutting the machine off, the doctor takes measurements, telling me exactly how far along I am, and giving me my due date, June 27th. She snaps a few pictures. Most are for the file, but she makes sure to hand me one of the images. I stare at it, and I'm slammed by the reality of the situation. I can't pretend everything is okay anymore. This makes it real.

  "Alright then, if you don't have any further questions, I'll see you in a month."

  "A month?" I look to Jess realizing for the first time that never during the exam, the pre-exam discussion, or the sonogram did we discuss options or plans for the baby. I glance down at the black and white image in my hand and remind myself that the thing inside me looked more like a creature than it did a baby. If I want to save an ounce of my sanity I have to stop using the "B" word when referring to it, even in my thoughts.

  *

  "You set me up."

  "What?" Jessica takes her eyes off the road to look at me.

  "Watch where you're going. If you crash the car I'll lose my driving privileges, too."

  "Fine just tell me what your problem is."

  "We never discussed options with the doctor."

  "That's not what this visit was about, remember? It was to see if everything was okay, if the pregnancy was even viable."

  "Great. It's viable. I'm healthy. Now what?"

  "Now, you can take some time to decide what you want to do."

  "Why are you pushing this? Why does it mean so much to you?"

  "Because that's my niece or nephew you're carrying around. And I love you. I don't want to see you do something that will haunt you the rest of your life."

  "Having it is worse. It won't haunt me, it'll be like a ball and chain attached to me forever."

  "You don't know that."

  "The hell I don't. Mom and Dad will go ape shit. If Brayden ever finds out, he'll hate me."

  "He will hate you if he finds out after the fact. If you abort it without even telling him you're pregnant, or if you have it and keep it a secret from him, either way if you don't tell him he'll hate you."

  "He already hates me."

  "Then the way I see it, you have nothing to lose by telling him. But what if you tell him and it brings you closer? Then you lost nothing but gained it all back."

  I wonder how someone who didn't have enough brains to keep her own life in order could make sense out of the mess I'm making with mine.

  Chapter 12

  Time For the truth

  I have a few days to gather up my courage. I don't know exactly when Brayden will be home, but it’s easy enough to find out. I know Alana will make it her business to make sure I overhear her plans to see him. All I need to do is listen to the dribble coming out of her mouth until I hear Brayden's name. Just as I expect, she puts on a show of talking to her friend near my desk in psychology. I want to throw up listening to her describe how she plans to sneak Brayden into her room at night and what she intends to do to him.

  It just goes to show how little she knows him. Brayden isn't the type to climb through windows in the dark. He isn't a guy to be embarrassed of. He's someone to parade in front of your parents, someone to be brought in during the light of day and be proud of. I smile to myself knowing her narcissistic bragging works more to my advantage than to hers. If I'm lucky, I'll ruin her plans to seduce him. At least I can comfort myself with the fact they haven't slept with each other. Yet.

  Saturday morning, the day after my last final, while having breakfast my phone chimes. A text. My heart races. No one besides Jess and my parents have texted me in days. I hope it's him. I don't care if he wants me
to grovel, I'll do it if it means he'll start speaking to me again. My smile drops as I read the name on my phone. Olivia. I feel guilty about being disappointed hearing from my best friend. I miss her, but I miss Brayden more.

  Getting together with the guys at the football field at 3, would love for you to come.

  Once again I feel excitement run through my veins like Secretariat in the Kentucky Derby. According to Alana, Brayden should've come home last night. I doubt there would be a football get-together without him. At least I could find him and bypass his mother.

  Sorry, I'll pass. What time do you think you'll be home? Maybe we can catch up then?

  I don't want give away my plan, not even to Olivia. I have every intention of going; I just don't want to risk Brayden finding out. If he does, he might leave before I get there or not show up at all. This way, if I show up half an hour after they agreed to meet, I'll have a better chance of finding him there, and catching him off guard. The worst that could happen is he won't be there but at least Olivia will be surprised and happy to see me.

  *

  This time Jessica drives. We tell my mother we're going to shop for last minute Christmas presents.

  "I'm glad to see you girls spending so much time together," she says with a wide smile on her face.

  "Me, too." I answer before leaving her alone in the kitchen. The best part is that I mean it. I don't know how I'd get through this without Jessica. We'll deal with the questions about the lack of packages when we get back.

  "You look excited," Jess said as I slide into the passenger seat of the car.

  "Thanks, but that wasn't quite the look I was going for. Do I look like I gained weight?"

  "You're beautiful. Like always. I'm sure he's told you that at least a hundred times."

  "How can you sit there and give him the benefit of the doubt? I mean after everything you've been through, how can you have so much faith in a guy you barely know?"