Regret Me Not

by Danielle Sibarium

  "I don't know."

  "I don't believe you. I think deep down you wanted me to know because you want to keep it. I think if you were so against it, you would've taken care of it already."

  "You promised it would be okay, and it's been anything but. I've been a mess. A total and complete wreck. And Jessica convinced me to tell you. She said you had a right to know. That you'd want to know."

  "I do. I'm glad you listened. I just wish I handled it differently, that I would've let you tell me sooner." He looks down, then back at me. "Mackenzie, please. You can't abort it."

  "It'll ruin our lives."

  "No. It won't. I promise." He takes hold of my hand in both of his. "This baby was conceived out of love. We loved each other then. I still love you. It's not a mistake. You can't just get rid of it and pretend it never happened."

  "Why not?"

  My parents and Jessica come out of the kitchen. My father won't look at me. He keeps his gaze fixed on Brayden instead.

  "I gave you time to talk, now we need to figure this out as a family."

  Chapter 13

  Family Ties

  The five of us sit around the kitchen table. Jessica is to the right of me, Brayden to my left. I can't believe this is actually happening. There is so much more I want to say to Brayden, but those are things that need to be said in private.

  "I don't know what has me more disappointed, the fact the you were so irresponsible," my father looks at Brayden and me, "or your part in this," he turns to Jessica.

  "Sir, we weren't irresponsible."

  "Is she pregnant?"

  Brayden nods.

  "Then you were irresponsible."

  "Why don't we stop pointing fingers and name calling, it's not going to get us anywhere," my mother interrupts.

  "I haven't even begun to point fingers," my father shouts pointing at Jess, "I blame you. This is your influence on her."

  "You're kidding me, right?"

  "Oh, no. I'm not kidding. She was a good girl until you exposed her . . ."

  "Dad! Stop it. How can you blame Jess? She had nothing to do with this."

  "It's fine, Kenzie, nothing I'm not used to."

  "It's not fine." I have to stand up for her. How could my father brow beat her because I'm pregnant? It doesn't make any sense.

  "I can't believe I'm even going to ask this, but are you sure it's his?"

  "Patrick! What is wrong with you?"

  "Look, Eileen, we have to face facts, and the fact is we didn't even know she was having sex, so who knows how many guys she's been with."

  I feel my face flush with the heat of shame. My eyes burn with tears I refuse to cry. I want to wither away and disappear. How could my father think of me like that? How can he say that to me? Does he really think I sleep around?

  "Mr. Green, it's mine. I know it's mine. Kenzie has never been with anyone else," he swallows waiting for my father's reaction.

  "How can you be sure? I thought you two broke up."

  "We did. But I know." Brayden looks at me, his eyes full of love. In that moment it feels like we've travelled back in time. Back to the summer when everything was good and solid between us. "We didn't break up to see other people. I'd know if she'd been with anyone else."

  "And what about you? Do you have any other illegitimate children we should be aware of?"

  "Dad!"

  "These are important questions, Mackenzie."

  "Why? What do they have to do with my situation?"

  Was this the reason Jessica ran away to be with Mike? Was he always this insane when it came to her life?

  "How far along are you?" My mother asks, bringing reason back to the conversation.

  "Almost three months."

  She shakes her head, "How did I miss this?"

  Brayden leans back, stretching his arm around the back of my chair, but not around me. "I think the more important question is where do we go from here. I don't know what you're thinking, but I want the baby. If you're all opposed to it, I'll raise it on my own."

  I don't miss how his eyes challenge me.

  "That would mean Mackenzie would have to carry it to term."

  "I know."

  I think I feel his fingertip stroke my back at the neckline of my shirt, but it's such a subtle touch I'm not sure.

  "Look, you want to know where I stand?" Brayden looks at my parents and then at me. "I love you, and I will cherish our child."

  I blanch upon hearing the word, "child."

  My arms cross over my stomach. I'm not sure if it's to hug my belly or to hide it.

  "A baby is a lot of responsibility," my mother says, eyeing Brayden.

  "I know. Look, this isn't how I would've drawn it out, but it happened. It's an unintended consequence, but still a consequence. I'm trying to do the responsible thing. The right thing."

  "Why? Why is it so important to you to give up your dreams and have this baby?"

  I have to ask. I don't understand. I don't get it at all.

  "My dream was never to go pro. You know that. You know I hate how people act towards me because of what they think will happen."

  "There's more to it. I know you too well, and I can see that there's something you're not telling me."

  I think I see a flash of fear in his eyes. Did something like this happen to him before? Was he trying to shield me from a pain he shared with another girl? As far as I know I'm his first serious relationship. Not that you need to be serious to have sex, but he said he was only with two girls before me and he didn't love either of them. He wouldn't be so upset if this happened to one of them would he?

  Brayden shifts in his seat. "Isn't it enough to know that I love you? That I want to do this together?"

  "A few minutes ago you were willing to do it all on your own, now you're willing to do it together."

  Brayden looks scared, shaken. He reaches in his pocket and pulls his phone out. "I'm sorry, I have to take this."

  By the guilt streaming out of his eyes I know who it is. Alana. My heart aches thinking of it. Here he is sitting next to me, telling me how much he wants me to have his baby one minute, and then he runs off to take her call the next. "Just go home. Leave."

  "I'm not leaving. I just need a minute." He squeezes my shoulder, his stare penetrating mine. "You're not getting rid of me. Not this time."

  He steps out of the kitchen, leaving me alone with my sister and my parents. It was easier facing them when he was next to me. With my elbows on the table, I bury my face in my hands.

  "Honey, he's right," my mother says. "This isn't something that will just go away. It's not something you're going to forget about."

  I look up at her. It's nice to know where she stands. I allow my eyes to stray over to my father. All I get from him is silence, paired with his look of disappointment. I bury my head and don't say another word until Brayden returns.

  Still holding my forehead in my hand I turn to him. "Won't having a kid put a crimp in your dating life?"

  "That's up to you."

  Is he serious? "I don't even want this baby and you expect me to just sit at home with it while you're out . . ."

  "I want you to marry me," he says sliding into the chair next to me. "Marry me and you, me, and the baby will be a family. Marry me and we can do this together. Maybe we didn't plan it this way, but it happened, and I have to believe it happened for a reason. If we're married you can qualify for financial aid and . . ."

  "You're delusional. There's no more school if we have it, there won't be time."

  "I don't know if your mother will be able to help take care of it while you're at school, but if she can't, I know mine will." His words are slow and deliberate, his eyes fearful, as if he's about to reveal something.

  "You can't possibly know how your mother will react."

  "I have a pretty good idea." He stops speaking, takes my hand in his and squeezes.

  "She'll help because it's what her mother did for her." My heart picks up speed and my eyes narrow
.

  Brayden leans forward in his seat, his grip on my hand tightens, his stare deepens, as if we're the only ones in the room. I watch the rise and fall of his chest as he continues.

  "Mackenzie, if you say this baby is a mistake, you're saying I was a mistake. If our baby doesn't deserve to live, you're saying neither do I."

  My eyes glass over. Like a sledgehammer hit me on the head, it all comes together and makes sense. Now I understand why he was so hurt and angry in his dorm room. I understand how callous and mean I was. "No. That's not what I'm saying at all." I squeeze his hand.

  "Yes. You are." I hear so much emotion in his voice, I think for a moment he might cry.

  "Don't ever say that. You're the best thing that ever happened to me."

  He shakes his head. "No, I'm not. And if it wasn't for me, you . . . we wouldn't be in this mess. But Kenzie, I'm not about to run away, or leave you to deal with it on your own. I'm here. If you want me."

  He said it. It’s the only thing I want to hear and he finally said it. I can't hold back the tears. I let them flow freely down my face. I throw my arms around him and hold him tight as I cry into his shoulder. "Of course I want you. I always wanted you."

  I feel Brayden exhale as he pulls me closer to him. "I'm so sorry," he whispers. "I'm so, so sorry."

  *

  My father gets up and moves away from the table. He doesn't say much, he just shakes his head and leaves the room.

  "He'll come around," Brayden whispers as he kisses the side of my head.

  "I don't know. Brayden, are you sure this is what you want? People will talk, they'll be whispering behind our backs."

  He snickers. "Baby, they'll be saying shit to our faces, too. But this is the right thing."

  "Mom, you haven't said much. What do you think?"

  "No matter what you decide, I don't think it will be easy. But based on the relationship you had, and still have, I do believe it's a decision you should make together. And he's right honey, your father and I will do anything we can to help you."

  "Dad can't even look at me."

  "Give him a chance. You just hit him with news that's going to change his life as well as yours. And now he has to deal with the fact that you're not his little baby anymore."

  Before I can respond and insist that I'm not one hundred percent sure I could go through with keeping the baby, Jess changes the direction of the conversation.

  "Does this mean you're officially back together?" she gloats.

  I feel a familiar flopping around inside my stomach. Usually it only happens after I eat. Unsure if the sudden surge of nausea is caused by the thing growing inside me or the anxiety of Brayden's answer, I don't know if I'll be able to hold back long enough to hear it. He says he wants to marry me, but still, the question itself brings me back to a place I don't want to go, to a place that threatens any chance I have of being happy, Alana.

  Brayden turns from Jessica to me, "I never wanted to be apart."

  "How do you and I fit in with you and your girlfriend?"

  "Girlfriend?" My mother's face goes pale. "I didn't realize you were involved with someone else."

  His hand once again tightens around mine. "I'll break up with her tonight." He looks at my mother. "Mrs. Green, I'm sorry, but Kenzie kept pushing me away, she kept telling me it was better this way. If I knew . . ."

  "He's right. I have no right to be upset. We broke up months ago." I hope I sound more convincing than I feel.

  "Were you with this other girl when you and Mackenzie . . ." She closed her eyes searching for the words.

  "No. I wouldn't ever do that to Kenzie."

  "You say that now. What about when I'm fat and look like a whale?"

  "You're beautiful. You'll grow more beautiful with every passing day just the way you have since the day I met you."

  "See," Jess says, her eyebrows raised. "I was right."

  "Thank you, for convincing her to tell me."

  "You did?" My mother's eyes open wide, her eyebrows shoot up, almost to her hair line. Hearing I'm pregnant, don't want to keep it, and that Brayden has a girlfriend, doesn't seem to faze her half as much as Brayden's thank you to Jessica.

  "Listen, I'm sorry, but I need to go. There are things I need to take care of."

  "Like Alana." Ooh is she a sore spot for me!

  He nods. "Like Alana." He pauses, looking nervous again, "And my parents."

  "Do you want me to go with you when you tell them?"

  Brayden shakes his head, "I think it will be better if I tell them alone. I just want to get to them before anyone else does." He hesitates again, "Do you think you can drive me back to the field? I was so upset, I ran here. I need to pick up my car."

  "Sure."

  I have the feeling he wants to talk more. At least this way we can do it with a semblance of privacy.

  Even though I'm looking forward to the alone time, I feel a wave of sadness wash over me as we walk to my car. We've been apart for so long, I hate that he'll be away from me, I just want him to hold me and convince me no matter what, its going to be alright. Instead, I’m driving him to go rendezvous with, "the other woman." I'm not liking this at all.

  "You're very quiet," he says as we pull away from my house.

  "Just thinking."

  "I'm sorry. This is everything you tried to avoid, and now you have to deal with it head on. I let you down."

  "You didn't let me down. I did. I let fear control me. I can't do that anymore, I just have to face it all."

  "If it helps, you don't have to do it alone."

  "Thank you for standing up to my father for me. I'm sure he's not the only one that's going to assume I was sleeping around."

  He puts his hand on my shoulder. "No problem." His breaths are deeper, longer. "I know you probably feel like I'm pressuring you, I don't mean to. And I know I can't force you to keep it."

  "But . . ."

  "I just want to make sure you understand. It's a package deal. The baby and me, we go together." He growls in frustration. "What I'm trying to say is if you have the baby and don't want to keep it, I'll raise it on my own. If you want to do it together, that's my ideal. But if you decide not to have it at all, that's not something I can live with. I hope you can understand why."

  As we reach the field, I see that it’s empty. Either the group broke up or they moved to a warmer spot indoors. I'm glad. It gives us more time. That's all I want at the moment, to keep buying more time with Brayden. I find his car in the parking lot, and pull up alongside it.

  I listen to the idle of the engine for a few moments, gathering my thoughts. "Why didn't you ever tell me? I mean, I opened up to you about my sister, my family finances, everything, and you never told me."

  His eyes fall to his fingers on the armrest between us. "I didn't think it mattered. I told you I wasn't part of the rumor mill. You never asked why."

  "I never heard anything about you. I mean other than how every girl in school had a thing for you and every guy wanted to be you."

  "I never thought it was a big deal. My parents sacrificed a lot in the beginning, but we're in a good place." He looks down as his fingers trace the edge of the center console. "My parents never made me feel unwanted or like a mistake. The only regret they ever expressed was my father's career, his potential. He wanted to play football. My mother claims he was really good. I don't know if it's true, or if she's just making an excuse for how hard he rides me. But I honestly never gave it any thought. Not until the home coming dance." His fingers are still busy moving over the various parts of the car, the dashboard, the buckle of the seat belt, his eyes following them. "I was going to tell you, but . . ." He closes his eyes and I know before he says it. I realize now how deep I sliced him without even saying a word. "You thought that was the worst thing that could happen, and you accused me of doing it on purpose."

  I reach over and rest my hand behind his neck, playing with the ends of his hair. His eyes meet mine, and I see pain and sadness in them. On
ce again I hate myself for the way I reacted. "I know they sound like empty words, but please believe me, I had no idea what I was saying. I was scared and I lashed out. I'm so sorry I freaked out like that."

  He offers a sad smile as he strokes my hair. "But it doesn't change the fact that you meant it."

  I shake my head. "No. I didn't. I didn't understand why you used that condom when you told me a long time ago you never would."

  "It was all I had. While I hoped you'd come back to my room, I never expected sex. That's not why I wanted you to come."

  "So you didn't want to have sex with me?"

  "Of course I did, but that's different from assuming we would," he looks out the window. "And I knew if I bought a box and you saw it you would assume I was sleeping with other people and that was the last thing I wanted."

  "Well, I was wrong. Getting pregnant wasn't the worst thing that could happen. I lost you. Really lost you. And I can tell you now from experience, that was the worst thing that can happen."

  He leans in and his lips brush against mine. How I missed those soft, sweet lips! I close my eyes, hoping for more, aching to feel his hands travel over my body. It’s been too long, but he pulls away.

  "Brayden." He meets my stare, his eyes intense. "Babies are expensive and time consuming. I don't know if you'll have time to play anymore."

  "I know."

  "And you're okay with that?"

  He nods. "I am."

  "How can you be? I saw how upset you were the night Scott threw the game."

  "I wasn't upset because we lost. I was upset because I worried about you. When you saw me after the game, you looked frightened. I knew he was trying to get under my skin, and I worried he'd already gotten under yours."

  "Still, you love it."

  "I like it. I can't say I don't, but it was never my dream. It was my father's."

  "And you think he'll be okay with this?"

  Silence.

  "Brayden?"

  He shakes his head. "I think he's going to go ape shit and call me every name in the book." I look away feeling hopeless once again. Brayden takes my hand and holds it tight. "That's why I want to tell them alone. But I know, once the dust settles, he'll accept our decision, and he will adore the baby." He looks away. "Besides, he still has my brother to turn into a superstar."