by K. L. Jessop
“You are all that I want and everything I don’t deserve. I need you like I need air. You’re my oxygen, my light. Nothing you say will change the way I feel for you. I promise.”
I nod, breathing out a little to find the words. “The reason Charlie and I are with CS isn't just because I was homeless and pregnant. We became a part of their care system when I walked into their rehab clinic with a cocaine addiction. I’m an addict, Lucas.”
I feel his body tense; his eyes lock on to mine, but I can’t read them. Dread fills my body and I feel the coldness in my stomach when he suddenly leaves our embrace as though he can't bear to be near me.
Chapter Twenty-One
Lucas
I can’t breathe.
Ice fills my stomach, fire burns in my chest in equal measures. My temples pulse, my mouth becomes dry and the need for space has me pulling away from her like she’s suddenly the enemy. The look on her face guts me. Leaving the bed, I walk across the confined space of the bedsit and rest my hands on the kitchen table, my head low between my shoulders as I fight to contain the air that’s in my lungs.
Tonight just seems like one big battering after another. Listening to her open up and deliver the hell that has suffocated her for years was too much. I couldn’t hold back my emotions any longer and the silent tears fell as I listened. No person should ever have to go through the life Tori had, and no child should either. Tori has never experienced the kind of love she deserves. Her wings have been clipped, damaged and torn and she is desperate to spread them and fly. Behind our exteriors, we are both broken and bruised. Our pasts are coiled with heartbreak and fear, either woven into us or ripping us apart, exposing our vulnerabilities, our pain, our secrets… My own heart hurts with the awareness of how flawed she truly is, and I want nothing more than to fix that—to mend her shattered pieces, wash away the darkness inside of her and make her safe for all eternity. And I won’t stop until I’m done. But her last admission is the one that’s got my mind racing and the blood rushing through my body, reminding me that she’s not the only distressed one in the room and how our pasts have a twisted similarity but resulting in a different finale.
“Lucas? Please talk to me.”
I don’t know if I can, because I don’t know what it is she’s wanting me to say or what it is I’m wanting to hear.
“Are you clean?” I growl, a little harsher than intended. I have no doubt she’s clean. There’s been nothing from her to indicate any abnormal behaviours, but it’s a question I need an answer to.
“Yes. I stopped using when I found out I was pregnant; that’s why I asked for help. I didn’t want to be that person anymore when I’d been given a lifeline. I’d been given a purpose. I’ve not relapsed once because of the support I get from Lucy and the love I have for Charlie.” Her words are laced with integrity and I believe every one.
“How long were you an addict?”
“A few years.”
“And you’ve had no relapses?”
“It’s not been easy, and I can’t sit and say that I haven’t ever thought about it when things have got bad or I’ve have flashbacks… but no I haven’t.”
I hope that after tonight’s reunion with Marcus it doesn’t tempt her even further into old habits. Trauma is a brutal encounter, but sometimes it’s the triggers that create the bigger problem. They eat away at you little by little, making you feel worthless and questions everything you thought you were.
“Why? What’s stopped you?”
“Charlie. Sometimes someone can come into your life and make you realise that the mistake you made in the past isn’t worth risking what’s in front of you. It makes you realise what’s more important and where your priorities lie. When I got low, I looked at Charlie. But if I’m honest, it’s not just Charlie I look to now. It’s you.”
I turn my head to the side, catching her shadow in the corner of my eye, still not being able to bring myself to look at her. She can’t say that. She can’t say that I’m the one she looks to when I’m not the person she thinks I am. I’m not worthy of anything she’s willing to provide. An uncomfortable silence fills the room and I hate that it’s me that’s creating it.
“It was only for the release, Lucas. I wanted everything to stop, and for a while I just wanted my mind to freeze from everything that was running wild through it. I promise I’m not that person anymore. I understand if you’re mad with me.” Her voice cracks and I feel like a fucking arsehole.
“I’m not mad with you, Tori. Disappointed a little, even though I have no fucking right to be because I never knew you then, but I am, and I can’t help that. I’m disappointed that your life led you down that path. I'm disappointed that turning to drugs was the only way you could stop everything when someone should have been there to save you. I’m disappointed that you’ve felt you couldn’t tell me this before and it’s only because of this evening that’s made you open up and tell me now. That being said, it’s completely understandable—maybe even expected given what you went through—but I can never be mad at you for that regardless of what my opinion may be.”
“Then why do I feel like you’re pulling away from me?”
Because she’s brought everything back that was a result of my past with the simplest of statements.
Because she’s etched her way into my heart so deeply it’s frighteningly beautiful. Because with each passing day, she makes me realise more how much I truly want her yet still don’t deserve her—how much I’ve fallen for her.
“Maybe it's my time to run, Tori. You of all people should appreciate that.”
I sense her move closer, but the distance remains between us. Her soft voice has the power to slice the wounds open with each word she speaks.
“Or you could just tell me? I know there are demons in you, Lucas. I see it. I sense it in the night when you're restless and I feel it when you hold on to me sometimes, like you’re too afraid to let go. For whatever reason you have them, I know they are killing you slowly. I want to know of them. I need you to tell me.”
“I don’t know if I can,” I murmur.
I slam my eyes shut when the warmth of her hand places my back. My heart is pounding, my mind racing, and when she turns me to face her, I can’t meet her gaze. How can I tell her after everything she’s shared?
“Look at me, Lucas.”
“I can’t.”
“Look at me.”
When I find her eyes, I almost break with the amount of courage, warmth, and adoration that I yearn to be loved by.
“You said you wanted to hold my heart and shelter it, but have you ever stopped to think that yours needs to be held too? That I want to be the one that grasps it?”
I shake my head in disagreement. “I can’t let you do that.”
“Lucas, I’ve tried to be strong for years, and tonight has proved just how tiring it’s been. You’ve made me realise there’s nothing wrong with letting your guard down because it doesn’t make you weak, it makes you brave. You can be that person too.” From the first touch, I’ve wanted to dive into her heart and soul and rip away at the darkness that consumes her. I’ve wanted her to be weak, not because I’m an arsehole, but for her to learn and realise that she can be who she wants when around me, be it full of strength or powerless. But that is her—that was my intentions when I came to her. I never told myself anything about letting my own defences fall. That was never the plan, only somewhere along the way this beautiful being has slipped her way into my soul and seen the shadows that leave me so exposed.
“I can’t be that person,” I mumble.
“Why? Because you're a man?”
I close my eyes; my head drops in shame. I’m not a man and I don’t know why I’ve been trying to convince myself all this time that I am. I’m an illusion. A nightmare. A fucking failure.
“You may be a man, but it's okay if you're a broken one. Don't hide who you truly are, especially from me. If this is our chance in life to make something work and be worthy of it
, of each other, then now’s our time to expose who it is we truly are. I want all of you, Lucas, every last part.”
A tear slides down my cheek. “I’m not the man you think I am.”
“And I’m not the woman you thought I was,” she whispers. “Nothing you tell me will change how I feel about you either, about who we are.” She presses her lips to mine in the most tender way that it sends a shiver through me. “If we don’t reveal our demons, what hope do we have in becoming survivors?” Gripping my jaw tighter, whispering on a plea. “Tell me what happened, baby. Tell me why you left LA.”
A cold rush of panic cascades down my spine and I turn my head to the side. She takes my hand to place it over her heart. The rhythm is soothing, and the gentleness of her breath on my skin is enough to know I can do this. I have to do this. Going back to the bed, I sit on the edge and try to find the words.
“Selena was my last and longest job: a cocky little thing that was sixteen going on twenty-one who loved life like there was no tomorrow. She made me laugh every day and made me love my job more because of the fun we had.” I exhale, relieved at getting out the first words. “Her father hunted me down via a few associates, asked me to work for him and paid me double the amount a bodyguard would get paid plus bonuses. I didn’t like what he was or the business he ran but kept quiet because I knew the high-level protection for Selena was more important. So, I went along with it, knowing the man was far from working within the law.”
“What was he?”
“One of the biggest drug dealers in the area. Cocaine was his speciality and he sold it by the truckload.”
Her eyes leave mine as shame and remorse wash across her face.
“He got too big for his own good, got on the wrong side of an even bigger dealer that ruled the city overall. He’d cut corners to seal the deal, undercut others to build his trade and as a result, Selena became a high-risk target and the quickest way to get revenge. The night everything changed, I’d taken her out to a party that her father forbid her from going to because she’d be around alcohol and it was illegal to drink under twenty-one—which was fucking rich considering what he was doing.” Perspiration begins to form at my temples, my upper lip. My fists clench as I close my eyes that begin to sting. “I dragged her away from the party earlier than she wanted and we argued as I drove home. Wanting to make things right, I pulled in to get her a pizza with the hope it would give us a chance to talk it out. She refused to get out and as there was no one around, I locked her in and ran inside, keeping the car in view and knowing she was safe. Only I was wrong.” The pain in my stomach and the heavy weight of my heart is paralyzing. I pull out of Tori’s hold and sit on the bed, hating myself for moving away when she’s the one that’s giving me the strength to open old wounds.
“What happened next?” she asks, barely even a whisper from across the room.
“Everything happened so fast. I was waiting on her order when I heard car tires screeching and smashing glass, so I ran. When the chills of her terrified screams hit my ears, I started firing my gun before I really took anything in. Two big guys dressed in black with their faces covered had dragged her out of the car window and were over her as she fought back. At first, I thought they were beating her, I saw their arms thrusting hard between me firing as I headed towards them. But when they went down, one of them dropped his blade.”
“Oh my God,” she breathes.
“When I got to her, her body was convulsing in pain, her breathing was bubbled and there was so much blood I didn’t know where I could and couldn’t touch her. She looked so small and helpless. I took her in my arms and the little distraught cry that left her limp body broke me. But that pain was nothing compared to what I felt when I saw a shot gun wound in her neck.” Tears fill my eyes as I remember the way hers looked at me—fearful and pained—and the anger I felt towards every man that still walked on earth that very second she was taken. I hold up my hand as Tori steps forward, stopping her from providing the comfort she wants to give because it’s not deserved. I let Selena down. She was just a girl with a life full of dreams, and I took them from her because I left her behind when I should have taken her in with me. I look Tori in the eyes and the anger from that night once again erupts from my chest like it’s happened all over again. “She was struck forty-three times, all because her dad thrived on making money and inflicting people with a dirty fucking habit. And do you know what the last thing she said to me was? I’m sorry, Lucas. She fucking apologised to me as though she’d done wrong. She apologised when it was me that let her down. It was me that let her get hurt because I took my eyes off her. It was me that put her life at risk and it’s me that has her blood on my hands. I shot her, and she died in my arms, Tori, and after everything I did that night it was her that fucking apologised.” I bury my head in my hands and let my emotions take hold of me, releasing all the anguish and regret I’ll forever have to live with. Ignoring my plea to stay back, Tori straddles my lap, throwing her arms around my shoulders and whispering that everything is going to be okay when I don’t think it ever will be. How will everything be okay, when I let her die? I lost a life. I failed not only that little girl but myself and everyone around me. “I couldn’t do anything, Tori. I couldn’t save her.”
“I’m so sorry, Lucas.”
We hold on to each other until my breathing shallows, my head in the crook of her neck as light traces of her fingertips smooth over my back. Tonight has been an onslaught of truths and devastation, heartbreak and brutal remembrance, and even though we may be broken individually, our hearts as one are stronger than ever. We are each other’s answer, our biggest bravery and our greatest redemption. I once vowed to shelter those I love, but when I’m with her, it’s me that’s never felt more protected. I need to show her how much she means to me—how much she’s changed me and made me believe I can be a better person, how much she’s turned my life around and made me fall so hard it scares me. One minute she was a stranger in the dark, then suddenly she became my everything. My heart shouldn't want her love, but it does.
I gently press my lips at the pulse of her neck, slowly working my way up to her throat with whisper-like kisses, trailing along her jaw. Turning her face towards me, I press my lips to hers like she’s a delicate flower. Her lips part, and the tips of our tongues dance in slow motion as her thumbs brush my cheeks. The heat between us ignites in a euphoria that takes my breath away, leaving me trembling with a need that overpowers me.
I need to be her reason because she is mine.
I need to be her forever because she is mine.
I need to be her everything.
I watch as my finger trace over her lips before I glance up to find her watching me. “Tell me you feel this, Tori?” I whisper, praying she gets the meaning behind the words. “Tell me you feel what we have?”
“You make me feel everything.”
I reignite our kiss, this time with long passionate strokes of my tongue. Her grip becomes tighter, my erection, hot and thick between us, as her nipples graze against my chest. I want to worship her like I know she deserves. I need her to feel every part of me and drown in nothing but love and affection. “I don't want to break you any more than you have been.”
She smiles softly. “It’s impossible to break me, Lucas, when you're the one that's binding me back together.”
“You should be held every day, kissed every hour and loved until the end of time. I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I want you.” Removing her top, I claim her mouth, turning us around so she’s lying on her back. My lips kiss a path down her body as I remove her underwear and retrace my steps as I work my way back up. My shirt is discarded, followed by my jeans, and I’m back, claiming her mouth as though I need her oxygen to survive. I drag my mouth over every inch of her, worshipping her body in wet kisses as my hands knead her skin, memorising every trace and every touch. Soft moans of pleasure escape, and the flatness of her stomach dips heavily with her panted breath as I kiss her hip, a
long to her pubic bone, working my way over to the other side of her, creating chills to cover her skin as my own arousal is desperate for her. I slide into her, and every inch of her seeps into me like pure ecstasy. Every touch of her hands lights up my skin and every beat of my heart belongs to her as I make love to her, deep, slow and passionately. This is different: of all the times we’ve been together, riding off each other’s high, tonight isn’t one of them. Tonight is superior. It’s a bond like no other, a promise that we’ve made and a love that’s finally identified as we mend our broken pieces with a devotion that’s strong and united. No words are exchanged between us: they’re not needed. Our eyes do all the talking as we cascade into one another’s souls. I need this woman with every breath that I breathe. She is my everything, the one I was never looking for and the one I thought I'd never need. Tears glass her eyes with recognition and I kiss her with power and possession, as we take each other into our newly found serenity.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Victoria
The sooner you get it over with the easier it will be.
Lucas’s word repeat in my mind as Marcus makes his way towards me. I’m sitting on the swing in the park. Lucas thought he would help to rekindle mine and Marcus’ friendship by dropping him a text saying I’d meet him without even running it by me first. Apparently, if he had, I’d have only run from the idea and put it off. He’s right because with each confident stride Marcus takes towards me, my heart beats faster and anxiety fills my stomach. My head still hurts with everything that has taken place these past forty-eight hours: my body is still emotionally drained from the wrecking ball that has hit me full force; the rawness of our dark truths have been laid out and my heart still feels heavy—heavy with knowing that my childhood has now been exposed to a man that doesn’t see me in the way I thought he would once he knew, heavy with the knowledge that sooner or later, I’d have to face the man heading towards me regardless of whether I want that or not and heavy from the glow of affection I have for Lucas: the man that’s change my world so unexpectedly and made it a better place than I never thought would be possible.