by K. L. Jessop
I believe I have the love I’ve wanted forever but have always been afraid to find, and it scares me all the more.
The silence is deafening as Marcus takes his seat on the baby swing next to me, his manly scent lingering in the air. He’s wearing dark washed jeans and a crisp white dress shirt and I’m praying he’ll start the conversation because if he doesn’t, I won’t be able to bring myself to open my mouth.
“You always used to claim the bigger swing, even when we were kids,” he says softly.
I close my eyes with a silent thank you.
“I still don't know how you managed to out run me when we headed towards the park. Even with a ten-second head start you'd beat me.”
“I was a good runner,” I murmur, noticing the awkwardness between us and not knowing whom it’s coming from the most. My body is fighting a losing battle with my emotions and the lump in the back of my throat expands with every passing minute. I didn’t want to shed any more tears, but I think my heart has other plans.
“You were, and no doubt still are excellent at many things, Victoria. You shouldn't let anyone tell you any different.”
I turn my head, knowing what he’s implying. “That's a little premature, Marcus. You can't say something like that when you don't know the full story.”
“Then help me understand, Vic.”
I turn to look at him and see the plea in his eyes.
“You can’t blame me for my dad’s wrong doing.”
“I know,” I whisper as a hot tear falls.
“Then talk to me. How bad did it get?”
“Which part?”
“Whichever part you’re willing to tell me.”
Even though I don’t think my heart can take any more, I know I can’t refuse to speak of what Marcus is asking. But, telling him feels somewhat harder than telling Lucas, because neither of us planned to end up this way. We built our friendship and became a unit. We planned that our dreams would be shared together, and that we’d help one another accomplish them. Fate had another idea for me, and none of what I wanted turned out how I planned.
I blurt out our years apart in one hit. “You want my life after I left in a nutshell? Well, I was thrown into a car and placed into care with a family that wasn't mine. I moved placements almost every three months because I was a disturbed child, and no one could cope with me. I went into myself and flipped out if anyone touched me. I ran away every opportunity I got until I left when I was eighteen, thinking I could survive on my own because I had done for so long. That didn't turn out how I planned because I ended up with nothing, homeless and on the streets. I got by, setting up in the back of abandoned cars and making money from working in strip clubs before I spiralled down the world of drug abuse and got addicted to cocaine because I couldn’t survive my troubled mind and the darkness that surrounded me any longer. I couldn’t find a way out and never knew who I was. In many ways I still don’t. Then I got pregnant by a man whose name I can't remember and haven’t seen since, and only then did I get clean when I walked into a clinic and asked for help for the first time in years because I couldn’t neglect a child the way I’d been. Now I’m back here, the one place that sent me crazy in the first place. So, there you go, that's my life, Marcus. You must be so proud of the girl that was once your best friend.” I’m trembling in my seat, waiting for his reaction. He doesn't yell like I expect him to. He doesn't look at me in disgust and doesn't walk away like I thought he would.
What he does and says has me bursting into tears when he makes me stand up and murmurs through his own emotion. “You're still my best friend, Victoria, and I still love you.”
We grip onto each other and it’s as though the years have never been stolen. In his arms, I’m that little girl again, the one that felt comfort from his embrace and took away the weighted cloud that suffocated my heart—the little girl that saw him as the brother I should have had, the one that took care of those he loved. The deep ache in my chest that I have felt since I left hasn’t just been because of what my life was, it’s also because our friendship was ripped apart and that void was desperate to be filled.
“I’ve missed you so much, Marcus,” I choke.
“Don’t leave me again, Victoria. I can’t lose you again.”
He holds me for I don’t know how long, securing me in place and stroking my hair like he always used to as the world around us passes by with each wave of the ocean that pulls in. It makes me realise that when I was a girl, my home was never the roof I lived under: my home was the man that I have here with me now and I can’t put into words how much I’ve longed to have that home back in my heart. “I need to stop doing this,” I whisper, as he wipes his eyes.
“Doing what?”
“Making grown men cry. I’ve got to two of you in less than two days.”
I can hear the clogs turning in his mind. “You made Lucas cry?”
“Yeah. He knew I was homeless, but he didn’t know the reason that got me there. I told him everything after I left you the other night.”
“Wow,” he chuckles softly. “I gave him a hard time after I realised you were together. I guess he does have a heart.”
“I can assure you he does.” I don’t know how close Lucas and Marcus are, but I know they are both very much in each other’s lives. However, something tells me that no one knows of the demons Lucas carries. The devastation of his story broke me when he unveiled it, and I made a promise to myself that if I couldn’t protect my own shattered heart, then I had to protect his.
I pull out of Marcus’s hold when kids enter the park, destroying our peaceful reunion with footballs and loud voices. I look up at him and smile. “Shall we take a walk or something?”
He turns slightly, looking in the opposite direction before facing me with elation in his eyes. “Can I take you someplace else?”
I shake my head. “I don’t think I’m ready for Rubies.”
“It’s not there. Just trust me—it will be worth it.”
We take a short drive through the main streets of Spring Rose before heading down a few narrow tracks off from the town, coming to a pathway that leads down to a beach. I’m already smiling as I head towards it because it’s the one I saw when I used to sit up on the cliff tops, the birds-eye view of pure white sand that was always left untouched because it was the only private beach along the coast. “Marbles Cove?”
“Remember how we were always desperate to walk across these sands but couldn’t because it was forbidden?”
“It used to drive me crazy that a beautiful beach like this was shut off to the public.”
“Wanna walk across it now?” He grins, and I raise my eyebrows.
“What happened to the owner? He die or something?”
“You’re looking at him.”
My eyes widen, “Wait, what? You… you bought a beach?”
He begins to chuckle, and I roll my eyes as realisation kicks in. “Of course you bought a bloody beach: you’re Marcus Matthews, emperor of Spring Rose. I should have known. Let me guess.” I point over his shoulder. “That bad boy of a cruiser that’s also docked over there is yours too, right?”
“I always liked the idea of being a King.”
“Smart-arse.”
Marble Cove beach is as unique as they come. All the others that grace the coastline are golden and clean, but this one is pure and luxurious, covered in the glittering sand with a shoreline decorated with the most amazing shells. It’s like a tropical scene you see on postcards or in holiday brochures, a place that is too precious for a town like this. “Marcus this place is beautiful. How did you manage to blag a place like this? I mean, who in their right mind thinks one day that they’ll buy a beach?” I pick up a handful of sand and watch the grains slip through my fingers.
“It took a lot of persuading, but I managed to pull the strings in order to get it. And that house over there?” He points over to the other side of the beach. In the distance, you can see the outskirts of the town along the edge
of the coast, a big house at the top of the hill. “That’s my house.”
“You boys and your flash houses,” I say, playfully. “It’s beautiful, Marcus.”
His smile is full of pride and happiness and my heart beams with everything he’s accomplished. It may have been years and we are far from where we were before we left, but I feel like things will be okay between us. They say that the true friends are the ones where you can pick up where you left off no matter the time that’s past. Right now, that’s beginning to sound true. “I’m happy you succeeded in your mission to become a property developer and conquer the world in business. Lucas said you own The Grand Hotel?”
“That was my biggest dream. Along with the hotel, Spring Rose was the place that gave me a reason. I wanted to keep this place alive, and now I own various amounts of it. If you have a dream, you go for it and don’t stop until you’re enclosed around it.”
I bow my head, thinking about my dream of a fashion designer. “Sometimes dreams don’t always come true.”
“It’s never too late to make them, Vic. You’re still young and I know you have so much potential.”
“I wouldn’t know where to start and I would never be able to afford setting anything up even if I did.” Which is true, I’ve got nothing in the way of savings. Everything I earn from working in the club goes on Charlie.
“I can help if you want?”
“I never said it for that reason.”
“I know but we can look into it and I can help finance it.”
I shake my head and I can’t control the irritation that's suddenly taken over. “Marcus, we can’t just walk back into each other’s lives and you offer something like that when we haven’t seen each other in years! I don’t want your money.”
He stops walking and turns me to face him, taking my hands in his, his eyes full of regret. “No, but you do want your dream and you’re not going to get that by working in Scarlett’s. Victoria, it pains me to know that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most. I want to make that up to you, and if by helping you build your dream is the only way then I want to do it. Just think about it.”
“I have thought about it; the answer is still no.”
“I see you’ve not lost your stubbornness.” His lips twitch at the corners with a grin he’s trying to suppress. My anger softens and I smile.
“Arsehole.”
“Hey, you’ve missed this arsehole.”
We walk the length of the beach a few more times, talking about Charlie before heading back to the car to escape some of the heat from the mid-day sun. Handing me a bottle of water, Marcus puts the car air-con on as we sit looking out towards the water.
“Do you still see many people from school?” I ask, curious as to who else I’m likely to come across.
“Not like that. Most of them have moved on. Except for Mrs Wilder, she’s still going strong.”
I raise my brows. Mrs Wilder was a little old lady that lived on the corner next to the post office. She had a pug-like face and hair rollers tight under her hair net. “Wow, she was old when we were young. And so strung-up.”
“Tell me about it. I still get stick about the time I picked all her flower heads off.”
“Oh my God.” I begin to giggle as a grin spreads across his face, knowing where this conversation is going. “Your face that day was a picture.”
“Can you blame me? I wanted to give you a flower and ended up coming worse off.”
“You looked terrified.”
“Vic, she was chasing me down the street with a fucking rolling pin.”
I laugh harder, remembering how we used to wind the old lady up constantly. It soon got to the stage where every afternoon around school time she would stand on her doorstep with her arms folded and the rolling pin under her arm, waiting for us to pass. Wiping the tears of hysteria from my eyes, I notice that Marcus has stopped laughing and has turned to face me. His big hazel eyes are ghosted with remorse and melancholy, his brows narrowed as he looks at me.
“What’s wrong?”
He reaches out for my hand. “Victoria, I’m so, so sorry. If I’d have known what my father did that night I’d never—”
“Don’t, Marcus. Even if I had stayed with you, I honestly think it wouldn’t have changed anything, not really. I would still have been running from demons no matter who I had holding my hand. Please don’t blame yourself.” Yes, I would have had his love, but I wouldn’t have had my mother. I would still have those memories, those nightmares, those internal scares of what Lawson did. “Tell me about Amelia.”
A grin widens across his face, and I can tell without hearing the words that she is his world. “I came back to Spring Rose for a break after my relationship with my previous fiancée broken down months prior. I remember wanting to come back, to slip into the crowd and have some time to myself. Only I walked into Rubies and there she was, this angel with fire-red hair and cornflower blue eyes fighting to fade into the background and not be noticed. But I found her every time. I never believed at love at first sight until then.”
“She’s a beautiful woman.”
“She’s everything. It wasn’t easy at first: she has her demons too and has physical scars that remind her of them, but I knew then that I couldn’t let her go.”
“What happened to her?”
“Domestic violence.”
I look towards the ocean. The feelings I have for Lucas are growing thick and fast, and even though they scare me sometimes, I crave them because of how good I feel when he’s near. “Do you ever feel suffocated by the feelings you have for her? Like you want them but also fear them because you’ve never experienced something so strong before?”
He looks at me, the corners of his mouth twitching. “Why do I get the feeling that this conversation is no longer about me and Amelia?”
I sigh, placing my sandy feet up on the dashboard, trying to decide whether to express the inner turbulence that Lucas has hit me with. I used to talk to Marcus about everything, and even after all our years apart, I feel that he’s the one I should be sharing my concerns with. “My definition of love was never what I thought because of the things I witnessed or what was inflicted on me when at home. I was constantly confused, and for a long time believed that the only person that made anything real was you. You made me feel like anything was possible, even in my darkest situations and for many years I loved you in my own secret way that was different to what you knew. After I left, I clung on to those feelings until they faded, thinking that that was what you're expected to feel when you meet someone... But then I met Lucas.”
“And he’s changed your whole perspective of what you thought love was?”
I nod. “I don't feel like I can breathe when I'm with him because everything about him overpowers me, but in a good way. And when he’s not near, I hate it because that’s when I realise that I truly can’t breathe. I never came here looking for or expecting to find someone, but he’s hit me full force and changed every perception that I had of men. He’s my anchor that’s kept me grounded ever since I placed my feet back on old soil—the missing piece I never knew I was searching for. He’s awoken these intense feelings that has my heart racing every time I think of him. But that being said, everything he's making me feel scares the hell out of me.”
“Why?”
“Because each time he’s close, he strips away another layer of who I am. I don’t want to be weak, Marcus, but I don’t think I have the strength to fight and remain the person I was before I came here. I don’t want to lose sight of who I am.”
“But, Victoria, do you really know who you are? After everything you’ve been through and the road it sent you down, do you really know who that person inside of you is?”
“I don’t know what to think anymore,” I whisper, hating the fact my emotions have captured me once again.
He leans across the seat, wiping away my fallen tear. “You know what I think? I think you were meant to come back for a reason. And
finding Lucas is one of them. All your life, you’ve had to fight, put on a front and pull up your guard. You became the strength you needed to survive. But time has changed, and you don’t have to fight any more because of what you have waiting for you.”
“Meaning?”
“Maybe the reason you feel like Lucas is stripping you away is because he is trying to uncover who you truly are.”
And that’s what I’m afraid of the most.
I always did wrong, even if I wasn’t trying. I was mistreated for trying to be the person I believed I was, the girl I wanted to be. But whatever I did never satisfied others so, in the end, I gave up trying. I want to know who I truly am, but I’m scared of who that woman maybe. “I’m in love with him, Marcus, and that frightens me.”
He brushes his thumb over my cheek, a soft smile warming his face.
“Don’t be afraid to let your heart feel love, sweetheart. You of all people deserve to have that feeling more than anyone. Don’t be scared to show your weak side. Just be yourself.” Reaching over, he kisses my forehead and I’m thankful we’ve cleared the air and I’ve got a lot of things out in the open. I feel like things can only improve from here on out and I can finally settle and build the life I’ve wanted. I catch Marcus, grinning as he looks out over the water.
“What are you smiling about?”
“I was just thinking that I should thank you.”
“For what?”
“Getting Lucas on a leash, all the dicking around was getting out of hand.”