Mirror, Mirror

by Patricia Scanlan

  ‘Really?’ Stephanie began to get excited. She hadn’t realised it was as easy as that.

  ‘You lucky sucker, Stephanie,’ Rebecca said enviously. ‘I’m going to ask my daddy to make a new baby.’

  ‘So do you want him?’ Julie Ann demanded.

  ‘Yes, please.’ Stephanie was thrilled. Wait until her mam heard the news that they were getting a new baby.

  Julie Ann felt a huge wave of relief. No one could say Auntie Ellen was too old. This was even kinder than giving the baby to Nannie Sheila.

  ‘I’m giving him away, because it’s a very kind thing to do. Saints do very kind things and I’ve decided I’m going to be a saint. I think my halo is starting to grow. It probably will grow when I give you the baby. When we stay in your house, Stephanie, I’ll dress up as a saint an’ you an’ Rebecca can pray to me. I might even make a miracle,’ Julie Ann decreed.

  ‘Ooohh yeesss!’ the other pair agreed eagerly. Julie Ann was great for thinking up new games.

  ‘An’ we can see if my cloak will grow an’ cover the land just like Saint Bridget’s did.’

  ‘Yeah!’

  ‘Brill!’

  The cousins couldn’t contain themselves. To be sitting beside a saint who made miracles and gave babies away was the most exciting thing yet.

  ‘Mammy, Mammy, guess what? We’re getting a new baby.’

  Stephanie raced into the kitchen where Ellen was making scrambled eggs for tea.

  ‘What?’ Ellen’s jaw dropped.

  ‘Don’t say what, say pardon, Mammy,’ Stephanie rebuked, much to her mother’s amusement.

  ‘Sorry. Pardon?’

  ‘Julie Ann is going to give us her new baby ’cos we’ve no daddy to put a seed in your belly button. An’ if she gives us a baby, she’ll be a saint, an’ grow a halo and make miracles. Isn’t it reeelly exciting?’ Stephanie was hopping from one leg to the other, her pigtails swinging, her eyes bright with excitement.

  Holy Mother! Ellen thought in dismay. What was all this about seeds and babies? ‘Julie Ann can’t give away her baby brother, pet. Auntie Emma wouldn’t like that,’ Ellen explained patiently, ignoring the reference to seeds and hoping that Stephanie would forget about it. She didn’t want to get into explanations about the facts of life. Trust Julie Ann to have a convoluted idea about the gory details. Belly buttons indeed!

  ‘But Mammy, Julie Ann said I could have her new baby! She said Auntie Emma wouldn’t mind. Uncle Vincent has lots of seeds to make new babies with,’ Stephanie explained earnestly.

  Oh Lord! There were times she could strangle Julie Ann. What a little madam she was. Ellen looked down at her daughter and felt enormous love for her.

  ‘Would you like if I’d given you away when you were a baby?’

  Stephanie’s face fell. ‘No.’

  ‘How do you think poor Andrew would feel if he knew he was given away?’

  ‘He’d probably feel a bit sad.’ Stephanie was crestfallen.

  Ellen put her arms around her daughter. ‘It’s very kind of Julie Ann to want to give us her brother. It’s nice to know she wants to be a saint. But you can see why we can’t take him, can’t you?’

  ‘Yeah, Mammy. I’d really have liked a new baby though,’ Stephanie sighed.

  Ellen prudently changed the subject. ‘I’ve got nice scrambled eggs for tea and as a special treat I bought us a cream slice when I was in town.’

  ‘Oh yummy!’ Stephanie forgot about new babies. Cream slices were her absolute favourites.

  ‘Wash you hands and hurry up, tea’s nearly ready,’ Ellen smiled, mightily relieved that the discussion was at an end. She knew the time was coming when she’d have to explain the circumstances of Stephanie’s birth in more depth than she had. She didn’t relish it.

  They ate their eggs and toast and Ellen had just taken a mouthful of delightfully gooey cream slice when her daughter fixed her with a piercing stare.

  ‘Mammy, you know my daddy who lives far away?’

  Ellen’s heart sank. ‘Hmmm,’ she murmured non-committally.

  ‘Could you not ring him and ask him to put a seed in your belly button so you could get a new baby.’

  ‘No, love, I couldn’t,’ she said gently.

  ‘Why not?’ Stephanie asked innocently. Ellen knew she could pass it off and say that Chris lived in another country, or make some such excuse, but she’d always sworn to herself that she’d never lie to Stephanie. She took a deep breath.

  ‘Your daddy lives with another lady now, love. So I couldn’t ask him to do that.’

  ‘Is he married to her?’

  Ellen nodded. Stephanie looked at her with big trusting blue eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes, just like her father’s.

  ‘Did my daddy not love you enough to marry you?’ The honesty and innocence of the question nearly made Ellen cry out as a stab of intense pain imploded in her chest. The cake in her mouth tasted like sawdust. She took a sip of tea to help her swallow it.

  ‘No, he didn’t, Stephanie.’ Her calm voice belied the turmoil she was feeling.

  ‘Did he not love me enough to stay and be my daddy? Did he not love me when I was a baby?’ Stephanie’s eyes were two pools of bewilderment.

  ‘He never saw you when you were a baby. If he’d seen you I’m sure he would have loved you very much.’ Ellen struggled to remain composed.

  ‘Will we ever get a daddy of our own?’

  Ellen smiled. ‘We might. We could ask Holy God if he would send us one. We could pray for a Special Intention.’

  ‘It would be nice if he sent us one with lots of money. I’d love a pony like Julie Ann’s,’ Stephanie confided.

  ‘Well, maybe while we’re waiting for our prayers to be answered, we might get a little kitten. Wouldn’t that be nice?’

  ‘Oh, Mammy! That’d be brillo!’ Stephanie beamed. ‘We’ll ask Doug to make a little house for it. We’ll get a special saucer for the milk. Oh thanks, Mammy.’

  ‘You’ll have to take care of it, now,’ Ellen warned.

  ‘I will . . . I will. Wait until Julie Ann hears about this. ’Cos she’s not allowed have a cat, you know. Auntie Emma doesn’t like cats. But I’ll share mine with her. I might grow a halo myself.’

  ‘My goodness! Two saints in the family. I’ll have to remind you you’re a saint when you get cranky when I call you to come in at night,’ Ellen teased.

  ‘Stop it, Mammy. I do come in.’

  ‘I know. You’re a great girl for me and I love you very much.’

  ‘I love you too, Mammy. An’ I’ll really love my dear little cat.’ Stephanie finished off her cream slice with relish.

  Children were amazing, Ellen thought as she lay in bed that night. They were so resilient. Stephanie had accepted that her father hadn’t loved her enough to be a father to her. There were no more questions after that. It was all the kitten this and the kitten that.

  Chris was a bastard, Ellen thought bitterly. All those years when he hadn’t come near her. All the years she’d raised Stephanie alone and he’d never even lifted the phone. How could someone be so callous about their own flesh and blood?

  When Stephanie had asked did Chris not love Ellen enough to stay with her, it had cut her to the quick. She’d never actually admitted it. She’d made excuses about him being immature and not ready for commitment. She’d never permitted herself to think it was because of a lack of love. And Stephanie with all the honesty and simplicity of a six-year-old had seen straight away what Ellen had always denied to herself. Chris hadn’t loved her enough!

  As she lay there in the dark, the pain came back. Waves of grief and anger and hurt and rejection. She started to sob. Great heaving racking sobs that shook her body. ‘He didn’t love you enough. He didn’t love you enough.’ She made herself say it out loud over and over again to try and finally get herself to face it.

  Why? Why? Why are you doing this to me, God? I’ve gone through all this before. I’ve endured it. Why can’t I just get on with it and for
get him? she screamed silently. She knew she was being utterly illogical, but deep down, even though she’d told him she wanted to end it, even though Doug had warned him off, it hurt that he hadn’t phoned in the weeks that had followed. He’d just run away . . . the way he always did when things got too tough for him.

  What kind of bloody idiot was she that she could even think that way still, she thought in disgust, as she wiped the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand. Why couldn’t she give Doug a chance and forget someone who clearly had no real interest in her?

  This was the last time that she was ever going to cry over him, Ellen vowed. She was going to get him out of her system once and for all.

  ‘You look a bit shattered,’ Doug commented the next morning when he arrived to take some measurements for the renovations of the coffee shop. ‘What’s up?’

  ‘Ah, nuttin’,’ Ellen said offhandedly.

  ‘Stick the kettle on and spill the beans before I start work,’ Doug ordered.

  Ellen stared up at him. Doug had the kindest eyes she had ever seen and when he smiled at her she had to smile back.

  ‘Did Chris phone?’

  ‘No, no,’ she said hastily.

  ‘Good.’ His crisp reply had all the directness she expected of him.

  ‘Stephanie asked about him last night.’

  ‘Oh!’ Doug’s eyes met hers. ‘That sounds tough.’

  ‘She asked me did he not love me enough to marry me.’ Ellen’s lip trembled. ‘My six-year-old asked me the question I didn’t have the courage or the honesty to ask myself. Especially when I knew the answer so well.’ Tears welled up. Doug put his arm around her and held her close.

  ‘It still hurts, Doug. Isn’t that crazy? I want to forget him, I want to be happy. Why?’

  ‘I dunno, Ellen. I’m no expert. I wish you could get him out of your system. I wish you could try and be happy with me.’

  ‘I want to try and be happy with you. But I have to be honest with you, Doug. I’ll never tell you a lie. I’ll always be dead straight with you.’

  ‘I know you will, love. I don’t want you ever to pretend to have feelings for me that you don’t have. If it’s going to happen, it will happen.’

  ‘Yeah, well I’m sick of going around like a weeping willow. I’ve had enough of this nonsense,’ Ellen sniffed. ‘I don’t know how you put up with me.’

  ‘I’ll put up with a lot for one of your steak and kidney pies,’ Doug teased.

  ‘You’ve to make a house for a cat, too.’ Ellen hugged him tight.

  ‘Have I? How come?’

  Ellen told him the story of Julie Ann’s impending sainthood and the cat saga.

  ‘Seeds in the belly button.’ He wrinkled his nose. ‘Not as much fun as the proper way.’

  ‘Behave yourself you.’ Ellen gave him a dig in the ribs.

  ‘There’s nothing wrong with good honest sex,’ Doug said primly. ‘We were all found under cabbages in my family.’

  Ellen guffawed. She felt much better. Doug never made her feel under pressure about her feelings for Chris. He was so easy to talk to. She knew she was very lucky to have him as a friend.

  They drank their tea and had a chat before Ellen went downstairs to the butcher’s to do the accounts for her father.

  Doug washed their tea mugs and emptied the teapot. He’d known the minute he’d seen Ellen that morning that something was troubling her. Instinctively, he’d known it was about Chris. Doug sighed. It was natural that Stephanie was going to start asking about her father. As well as deserting Ellen, Chris had deserted Stephanie. Ellen understandably felt anger and bitterness about that.

  At least she’d been able to talk about it to him. That was very encouraging, Doug thought optimistically. Time would heal. He just had to give her time. The phone rang. He picked it up. ‘Hello?’ he said. The line went dead.

  He knew it was Chris. He was glad he’d been there to answer the phone. It might give that bastard food for thought, he scowled as he replaced the receiver. Much as he hated the idea, Doug knew that Chris Wallace would be a part of Ellen’s life until she finally and irrevocably cut her ties with him. Could she do it if Chris kept pestering her? Doug didn’t know. But he knew the relationship that he wanted with her would never happen as long as Chris was in her heart. And he had to face the fact that Ellen was still entangled in Chris Wallace’s net.

  What the bloody hell was that Neanderthal doing in Ellen’s flat at this hour of the morning? Chris thought viciously. He’d phoned Ellen’s work number earlier and a strange woman had answered and said Ellen wouldn’t be in until later. He’d tried to concentrate on his work but it got too much for him and he’d tried the flat. And that redneck culchie had answered.

  What kind of a game was Ellen playing with him? How could she prefer that builder to him? They must be lovers if he was in her flat at this hour of the morning. What about her scruples about Stephanie seeing her with someone now? Chris fumed. She’d thrown that in his face as one of her excuses for ending it with him, a few months back. His daughter was seeing Ellen in bed with a man she wasn’t married to. It was outrageous – she should be protected from that sort of thing. And some day he was going to let Ellen know his feelings on the matter. Chris frowned self-righteously as he lifted the receiver again to phone Alexandra.

  Alexandra swanned into the foyer of Stuart and Stuart’s, eyes aglow and a smile on her lips despite the fact that she’d only had a few hours’ sleep. She felt on top of the world. Chris was pretty good in the sack. She had to give him that. They couldn’t keep their hands off each other. They’d done it three times last night and each time had been better than before.

  He looked much more relaxed. She knew how to look after him. She understood him. Suzy had driven him away because she’d pushed him into the background once the twins had arrived. She’d neglected him. Alexandra had no problems justifying her affair with her best friend’s husband.

  Chris needed a lot of attention and he just hadn’t been getting it. He was the type of man who had to be the centre of attention. Not in the Hail-Fellow-Well-Met tradition. He was much more subtle than that. Chris needed to know that he and his problems were of more concern to a woman than any other matter on the planet. He loved the idea of being deep, complex and unfathomable. When really, Alexandra thought with an amused little smile, he was selfish, shallow and very, very devious.

  She had to admit though, she hadn’t enjoyed herself so much in ages. It gave her immense satisfaction to toy with him. She’d watched Chris manipulating women all the years she’d known him. And now the master manipulator was being manipulated himself. And he didn’t even know it. Alexandra had never felt so powerful in her life.

  She took the lift to her second-floor office, and buzzed for one of the clerk typists to take dictation. She had several letters that she wanted to get out of the way. She was taking a client to lunch in the Shelbourne at midday. She intended being on top of her paperwork by then. Alexandra dictated rapidly, watching the young girl’s pen fly over her pad as she took it down in shorthand. At least this one had good speeds and was competent, Alexandra mused. Some of the girls she’d had were so inept. She wasn’t a popular boss, she knew that. She demanded the best from her minions. It didn’t bother her that the girls preferred to work for the bosses in the advertising agency. Alexandra managed more clients in the PR division than anyone, because she was the best. She intended keeping it like that. When Malachy MacDonald, the smoothie chairman and MD of Stuart and Stuart’s Advertising Agency, one of the oldest-established firms in the city, had decided to branch out into PR he’d gone looking for the best. She was the best, Alexandra reflected smugly. Weldon’s had been sorry to lose her.

  Right now she was in the middle of working out a publicity campaign for the launch of a new upmarket women’s magazine. It was immensely challenging. Alexandra thrived on it.

  ‘Get those letters typed up as soon as possible,’ she instructed her subordinate crisply and nodde
d in dismissal.

  ‘Yes, Miss Johnston,’ the clerk typist said sullenly as she closed her notepad and left the office. Alexandra’s direct line bleeped. It must be Chris! Well, he’d have to sod off. She hadn’t time to talk to him now.

  ‘Yes?’ she said coolly, in her best Don’t-Disturb-Me tone.

  ‘Alexandra, do you know what time Chris got in last night? Well, it wasn’t even last night – it was 5 a.m. this morning. I know he’s having an affair. He’s a bastard! I hate him.’ Suzy Wallace burst into tears at the other end of the phone.

  Oh no! Alexandra groaned inwardly. Suzy’s moaning was the last thing she needed.

  ‘Suzy, you knew what Chris was like when you married him. You knew he wouldn’t be faithful. So what if he’s having an affair? You just go out and have one yourself and enjoy it. And show him that you can do it too. He’ll come running back then. I can guarantee it,’ she advised briskly.

  ‘I don’t want to have an affair, Alexandra. I love Chris. He’s my husband. I bet he’s out with that bitch in Glenree. What can she give him that I can’t?’

  ‘Look, Suzy, listen to what you’ve turned into. You’re smothering him. You know Chris, he can’t stand being stifled. The more you go on at him, the more he’ll withdraw. Go and get your hair done, buy some new clothes and some new make-up and start going out yourself. Make yourself interesting and mysterious to him again. Remember how he was when he was trying to get you back, years ago? Remember how you kept him dangling and he was going crazy? Do it again. It’s easy with Chris. All he needs is the challenge. The unobtainable. Now I have to go. I’m up to my eyes. Talk to you soon.’ Alexandra hung up decisively.

  Suzy had turned into such a moan. No wonder Chris had started playing the field. Hadn’t the girl an ounce of sense? Once a glamorous, with-it, cool sophisticate who knew how to play the game, she’d turned into a clingy, dependent, whingeing wife. The worst possible thing she could do with a man like Chris. Suzy really had a bee in her bonnet about that woman in Glenree. Alexandra knew all about the love child. Suzy had confided that piece of news to her as soon as she’d discovered it herself.