The Phoenix Project Series: Books 1-3: The Phoenix Project, The Reformation, and Revelation

by Pritchard, M. R.

  I sit and ponder his statement. What am I afraid of? I’m afraid of losing Lina. I’m afraid of Ian waking up and remembering everything. I’m afraid he’ll see us moving on without him. I’m afraid of sleeping alone, with no one to wake me from my nightmares. I’m afraid they’ll come true, every single one of them. But I can’t face any of those. I’m afraid to leave this place. To set foot outside of the Pasture gates. That seems simple enough, going somewhere. I already went to the fence with Adam. And I survived that. Maybe I could handle the lab, or the hospital…

  I thought I was just having the conversation with myself, in my mind, but I find the words mumbling off my lips.

  “Actually, I would be grateful to have your help at the hospital,” Dr. Akiyama responds to my mumbling. “I could use your help in the delivery room. You have a clear mind. The other medical staff don’t react as fast as I need them to. It’s that medication they’re on.”

  I mull it over for a few moments. I could be productive again. Doing more than just computer work, forcing myself to stay awake at night, and sleeping during the day. I could almost be human again. Maybe going to the hospital could be the right step to getting back to normal.

  CHAPTER ten

  Today is my first day in town.

  Adam escorts me. The drive consists of Adam at the wheel, and me with my eyes closed, breathing deeply, trying to control the panic and not to lose it completely. The knot twists and turns and pulls.

  The hospital is bustling with patients and medical staff. I can see them through the glass doors as we walk to the main entrance. People turn to watch slowly as we pass through the front door.

  "Why are they staring?" I whisper to Adam.

  "They're not." He places his hand on my back, ushering me through the spotless hospital, following the signs for the elevators.

  "Has anyone told you, you are a particularly bad liar?" I tell him.

  I catch his response, a small smile.

  We continue to the elevator and down a long hallway to Dr Akiyama's office on the labor and delivery floor. He greets us, seeming genuinely happy to see me and handing me a set of green scrubs.

  “I’ll check back with you later,” Adam tells me as he brings me to an employee locker room to change.

  “I want to be back before Lina is done with class,” I remind him.

  He nods as he leaves me to change.

  I dress quickly, stashing my clothes in an empty locker. I wander the hall waiting for Dr. Akiyama, stopping in front of the nursery which has a large glass viewing window. There are three babies, wrapped in white blankets, on display for whoever is walking the halls.

  I notice someone watching me from the doorway across the hall. She’s wearing a hospital gown and robe. It can only be the mother of one of these babies. She doesn't even try to hide the fact that she’s watching me. Finally I turn around to confront her.

  "Can I help you?" I ask her.

  She looks familiar. I think I might know this mother. I think we might have gone to high school together.

  "You’re the Matchmaker aren't you?" she asks me.

  "How do you know who I am?" I've never been called this before and it sounds strange but eerily accurate.

  "Everyone knows who you are. Your picture is in the Manifesto. But you look different, thinner maybe.” She turns to the babies in the nursery. “Are you choosing now?"

  She must be talking about the genetic pairing. Now I’m wishing I had taken a look at the Manifesto when Elvis dropped it on my doorstep to see what Crane wrote in it about me and to see who these people think I am.

  “No. It's much too early,” I tell her. I don't tell her that it has already been decided by the program I made. Her child, and her child’s children, it’s already been determined. Soon they will all get their injection, with the DNA altering vectors.

  She smiles at me and looks back to the babies. "You’re a good person. I can tell,” she tells me. “I trust you'll make a good choice for my son.”

  Her comments sink in my stomach as though I swallowed a bag of rocks. If only she knew the truth. I simply smile back at her and then walk, as fast as I can without running, back to Dr. Akiyama’s office.

  --

  No one was in active labor so Dr. Akiyama had me assess the newborns and help two of the mothers breastfeed their babies. Now I find myself standing around trying to waste time until Adam shows up to take me home. I don’t like the feeling of being left with my thoughts in this empty hallway. The only reason I agreed to come here was so I wouldn’t have to think about everything, so I wouldn’t be left to ponder, this was supposed to be my distraction.

  This is not distracting.

  I decide to say goodbye to the Doctor and change back into my normal clothes. I find my way to the front entrance, hoping Adam might be there to take me back to the Pasture. And he is. I notice him by the front door but I stop myself from walking to him, taking in the scene before me.

  He’s standing near the corner of the entrance talking intently to a young woman. A beautiful young woman with high cheekbones and straight blonde hair pulled into a ponytail. I back up against the wall trying to hide myself as I spy on them. She’s wearing a Volker uniform. But since I’ve never seen a female Volker before, she must be a new recruit. I watch as Adam smiles at her and she smiles back. Their conversation is hushed, and they move closer together, in unison. They watch the people around them, out of the corner of their eyes, making sure no one can hear them.

  Once again my panic sets in: the sweating, the racing heartbeat. But this time there’s something else. It’s not simply the panic of leaving the Pasture and allowing Adam to escort me into the middle of town. No, it’s not simply panic, it’s jealousy. I don’t know why the scene before me has this effect. Adam and I never promised anything to each other. Since the District was formed, he’s the closest thing I’ve had to a best friend. Someone I can confide in, someone who watches out for us and keeps the nightmares away as I sleep. I wonder if spending so much time with him has been a mistake. I really have no idea what he’s doing with his free time when he’s not at the Pasture with us, which is often. And I’m sure if he can make my heart flutter like a teenager, he probably has no problem doing it to other women.

  I lean my back against the cool brick wall and take a few deep breaths. I don’t want him to know that I saw them. I breathe deep, relaxing the muscles in my face. I feel like I can’t let him know that I saw them. Once I think I have myself collected, I step out and turn the corner of the hallway, slamming directly into a tall man, the opposing forces knocks me backwards onto the floor.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” the man apologizes to me as he reaches down, offering his hand to help me up.

  Once again the room fills with silence as everyone turns to see me scrape myself off the floor. I can feel my cheeks redden with embarrassment. So much for collecting myself. So much for staying calm. So much for sneaking up behind Adam and finding out what he’s talking with that beautiful woman about.

  I stand, collecting myself, and notice Adam walking swiftly towards me.

  “I’m so sorry,” the man repeats.

  “It’s fine, really. It’s my fault. I’m just clumsy.” I smile at the man, noticing he is wearing a dark red uniform and carrying a broom. He must be with the Orderly faction, responsible for keeping the District clean. He leaves me to recover, wandering down the hall, whistling to himself.

  Adam pulls up next to me. “What happened?” he asks eyeing the man.

  “Nothing, we just collided. I’m fine, really.” Adam looks me over. “I need to get back to Lina. Can we go now?” I ask him impatiently.

  He escorts me out of the hospital. This time I don’t wait for his leading hand on my back or his playful banter. I walk ahead of him, turning only to watch as he salutes the female Volker.

  “New recruit?” I ask when we get to the car, trying to control my voice, ensuring it’s even, cool tone. I don’t want him to know that I saw their furtive c
onversation.

  “Yeah, we’ve had a few who just finished training,” he responds casually.

  That’s all he says as he starts the vehicle and pulls away from the hospital. I’m not sure why I was expecting him to divulge some more information. He’s good at hiding things. I know this from experience. I just hate that I have to doubt my trust in him again.

  As Adam drives the truck I close my eyes, letting him think it’s the panic taking over again, and not my anger at seeing him with her.

  “What’s wrong?” He asks from the driver’s seat.

  “Nothing,” I lie to him. “I’m just tired.”

  We complete the drive in silence.

  When we get to the gates of the Pasture I have that swelling feeling in my chest. The one telling me that I need to get back inside, back to Lina, where I’m safe. I try to control the urge building within in me. I can only assume it’s similar to an addict trying to deny drugs for the first time. I squeeze my eyes shut, and take a deep breath in. I can’t do it. I jump out of the SUV as soon as Adam stops to open the gate. Not waiting for him to drive in, I follow him when he gets out and walks to the gate’s keypad. I want to climb the fence and run to the schoolhouse porch.

  “In a hurry?” Adam asks.

  Watching the curls of steam rush out of his mouth with his words, I realize how cold it still is outside. I really should have waited in the running vehicle where it was warm.

  “I have to get back inside, like, now…” I tell him.

  I rub my arms, trying to control the rising panic. I can feel the Pasture pulling me back, tugging at my skin. The smell of the frozen fields and the warm barns blows through the gate, beckoning me. Adam nods and continues with the gate, brushing the fluffy coating of snow off the keypad and pulling the gate open. I step through, my panic calming slightly, as I get my feet back on the Pasture grounds. I turn to Adam, who makes no attempt to follow me.

  “Was it like this for you?” I ask him. “After the Middle East, with what happened to you?”

  I watch him tense at my question. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked, especially without preparing him first. “Yes.” He pauses for a long time, breathing more heavy curls of vapor out of his mouth into the frigid air. “It’s just the dreams now.”

  I can only imagine his dreams, how bad they must have been, and how bad they are now. With what they did to him to form all those scars on his chest. Whatever happened to him was a thousand times worse than what Crane did to me. I walked away with a few broken bones, too many bruises to count, and a collapsed sense of self. At least I don’t have bullet holes in my chest.

  CHAPTER eleven

  “Mom, are you going back to the hospital today?” Lina asks as I stare at the swirling coffee in my mug. I told her that I was going last time. Just in case anything happened. I didn’t want her surprised that I had left.

  “I don’t think so, but if I do I will be back before you’re done.” I kiss the tip of her nose. “I promise.”

  We dress in our heavy coats and boots for the short walk to the schoolhouse. I don’t like leaving her here for the day. Even though I am so close here at the Pasture with her, I would rather have her closer, nearby in case something happened. I want her within arm’s reach so I can take her and run if we need to.

  I don’t even get back home before I hear cars driving down the ice crusted driveway. I turn and wait on the porch for them to stop, noticing that a few of the Guardians have exited the barn, and have lined up in the frozen courtyard.

  I can see Adam and Morris through the front windows. It’s strange that they are in separate vehicles. I’m not sure why Adam and Morris would drive separate or why they would be here at the same time. But as the morning sunlight beams through the SUV windows I see why. The second vehicle has children in it.

  --

  “For the training program,” Morris tells me as I stand on the porch watching them unload. “I’m sorry, Andie, we couldn’t wait any longer. They need to start their preparation.”

  I watch as Elvis helps them out of the tall SUV, three more children, taken from their families. I’m not sure why this bunch is affecting me so much. I barely blinked when Cashel and Marcus showed up. But these children are much younger.

  “Two boys, Ira and Lex, age five. And a girl, Astrid, she’s four,” Morris says as he watches me. He coughs loudly into his hand a few times.

  “Are you sick?” I ask him.

  “No. I’m fine. Just the cold air.”

  I watch as the children filter into the schoolhouse. The little girl, Astrid, starts crying. I see Lina get out of her chair and rush over to hug and soothe her. I decide to wait and introduce myself to them. I’m sure they’ve been through enough already, the last thing they need is another stranger greeting them in this new place.

  The day is a busy one. We search the barns for furniture and set up the houses to accommodate three more children. Adam and Sam move furniture. Morris strongly suggested we continue to keep the boys and girls separate. So Astrid moves into our house, while Ira and Lex go with Blithe and the boys.

  Astrid is a sweet little girl, following Lina around, acting shy, barely speaking. Lina is so excited to have a friend in the house that she stays up late reading to Astrid long after she has actually fallen asleep.

  As I leave them for the night, tucked soundly into the twin beds which now fill Lina’s room, I hear a faint knock on the front door.

  It’s Adam, waiting on the porch. I want so bad to ignore him. I’m still angry from witnessing his conversation with that woman. I was a lot angrier earlier. But that feeling wore off as I watched him all day, moving furniture, helping with the children, catching my eye while talking with Elvis. I had the time to remember him kissing me in the icy forest and showing up with bags of groceries for us. I had the time to remember the look on his face when he saw the bruises from Baillie. Yes, it’s easy to ignore him, or be angry with him when he’s not around. It’s another thing when I feel his energy near me, smell his scent, when I get to watch him being helpful and gentle with the children. It’s easy to be confused when he’s near. Much too easy.

  I don’t get the chance to say anything to him when I open the door.

  “Are the children asleep?” is all he asks. When I nod yes to him, he’s pulling me close to him, pushing the door closed with his foot. I know what he’s after, by the feel of his hands on me, the way he pulls at my clothes, his slight throaty groan as he takes over my mouth.

  “Stop,” I whisper to him, pushing at his chest, trying to ignore that feeling he gives me. “I told you, we can’t.”

  He ignores me, pressing his lips hard against mine and running his hands up my shirt, making my stomach quiver. That's all it takes for me to forget everything that's been weighing on my mind. The second his lips touch mine, I forget it all. This is what he does to me. He is my drug, he is my wine, he is the one I can’t push away. He lowers my inhibitions to the point that I think I have none. I do things I wouldn’t normally do. If only he didn’t cloud my mind so, I might be able to stop myself.

  I wish I could say I pushed him away, that I told him to leave, for the sake of my sanity. For the sake of Ian when he wakes up, so Ian doesn't have to deal with my sins. But I didn't push Adam away. I pulled him closer. I pushed my lips back onto his. I wrapped my arms around his tense shoulders. I let him have his way with me.

  --

  I was nervous about it, but getting two little girls ready for the day isn’t much harder than just the one. Astrid pads silently behind Lina through the hallway, to the kitchen for breakfast, and back to the bedroom to get dressed. All without a word. Her eyes wide, watching us, trying to figure out if she can trust us. Morris didn’t send many clothes for Astrid and since it’s still cold outside I layer some of Lina’s old clothes over her.

  Just as I close the door behind us, I hear the shower start. Adam must be getting ready. I expected him to be gone with the sunrise, as usual, just as I expected that guilty feeling
to jab a little softer in my gut. But neither of those happened this morning.

  When we step outside its warmer. And then there’s the smell-spring is coming. The classroom looks strange now, with six children and Sam, looking out of place amongst them. Lina takes Astrid’s hand and brings her to the desk next to her own. I hug Sam and leave a loaf of fresh bread with Blithe.

  I step out onto the schoolhouse porch. I look around, thankful that the winter is almost over. I can see Elvis driving the small tractor out to the far field, probably to open the fence so the horses can run in the sun. I see a stream of Guardians walk out of the barn, headed for the gate. This can’t be good. They only do this when it’s someone they don’t know or danger. I have to think fast. Elvis is too far away to call for and Adam is in the shower. Blithe is with the children and that leaves me, just me, to face whatever is at the gate. It’s time for flight-or-fight, and since I’m not going anywhere, I guess it’s going to be the latter.

  I run to the office where Elvis keeps the guns, pulling a pistol out of the gun cabinet and a handful of bullets. I jog down the drive way loading the pistol along the way. I can see the trail of Guardians trotting ahead of me. They stop, forming a straight line across the driveway. I see the gate slide open, just a little, and a dark figure steps through. I can’t tell who it is. The shade from the trees outside the gate is obscuring my vision. The figure walks forward, closer to the Guardians, and as I stop behind them I instantly recognize who it is. Crane.

  My heart starts racing. I blink a few times, just to make sure I’m actually seeing him here. It’s him. All suit and tie and orange hair. He waltzes up to where I’m standing. Nothing about him has changed. He’s still wearing the black suit, a red tie, his hair looks a little longer, the kinked curls a little more obnoxious. He smiles, his white teeth reflecting the sunlight. I was stupid to think we would be safe from him here.