‘Do you have time to talk?’
‘I’m almost done. Do you mind if I finish this off first?’
‘Of course, I’ll wait with your aunt in the kitchen.’
‘Is she in the kitchen already?’
Reijer nodded.
‘I’ll come as soon as I’m done here.’
I quickly climbed back on the edge, scoop in hand. A few more scoops and I could go inside, but the knowledge that Reijer would be there, waiting to talk to me, did not spur me on. I wondered what he had come for and I wished I had told him that I was too busy to talk to him.
Finally I was finished scooping away the dung, and I wondered if I would quickly take the wheelbarrow outside to spread the manure over the field. But that would be too rude and I left the wheelbarrow behind. I hurriedly picked up my skirts and changed my clothes on the hay floor above the cows, where I was invisible to unexpected visitors. When I was ready I climbed down the steps and hung the trousers back on the hook. I washed my hands at the pump in the barn and then slowly headed for the kitchen. Maybe Reijer was in a rush and would leave soon.
I kicked off my wooden shoes and opened the door. I immediately was greeted by the aroma of freshly baked cookies and as I walked in I saw that Reijer was thoroughly enjoying them. He wasn’t going to be leaving anytime soon.
‘Here I am.’
‘Come and have a seat. I baked cookies and the tea is ready.’
‘Thank you.’
I sat down on the chair beside Auntie and in doing so kept some distance between me and Reijer, who sat at the head of the table. Soon a steaming mug of tea appeared on the table in front of me with a cookie on a small dish. I ate the cookie in silence.
Auntie was quiet too and Reijer seemed to be completely at ease in this silence. Not me. I wondered if Reijer would be able to see on my face the things I had told Auntie a few days earlier. I imagined that here in this kitchen he would suddenly receive a heavenly vision, revealing to him my past. He mustn’t know a thing. But I realized that I no longer was the only one guarding my secret. I shot a quick glance at Auntie, but she looked the same as ever and calmly drank her tea. I quickly finished my own, then pushed my chair back to get up.
Auntie’s voice stopped me.
‘I was just talking to Reijer about your wish to raise Mara yourself, Maria.’
These words were so unexpected that my hands started to tremble. So she had spoken to him.
‘I have tried to explain to him why I think you ought to have the chance to that, but…’ Auntie looked at me, gave her shoulders a slight shrug. I could tell by her face that she hadn’t said a word, she meant to leave that to me.
I looked Auntie in the eye and felt desperate. How can I possibly tell him all that? Haven’t I been humiliated enough? I don’t want to share my secret with him. Just tell him I want Mara back. Shouldn’t that be enough?
‘Mara is my daughter,’ I said reluctantly. My voice sounded gruff.
‘We already discussed that, and I was under the impression that your aunt, and possibly even you, agreed that it would be best for Mara to be in a family with two parents.’ Reijer’s voice was soft and polite. I knew he looked at me, but I refused to look at him. I picked with my fingers at the fringes of the tablecloth and took three strands to braid with.
‘From what your aunt has told me, I understand that something has happened that has made her change her mind. She wants me to help you two, to find Mara.’
I pulled on the fringes, hard, the tablecloth moved and one of the strands broke off. Had Auntie really asked him that? Why had she chosen him to help us? Wasn’t he a pastor, a traitor, a…
‘I thought that Reijer might be able to tap into certain sources not open to us,’ Auntie said. I quickly glanced up and saw her worried face.
‘I know that your aunt is a wise woman.’ Reijer nodded at Auntie as he spoke these words and then he returned his gaze to me. I kept a close eye on him from the corner of my eye. ‘But I want only what is best for your child. I cannot cooperate with something that in my opinion is not for the best.’
His voice almost sounded apologetic and I looked up at him. His eyes were friendly and I noticed the deep wrinkles of concern on his forehead. It was so striking, the difference between his usually so cheerful face and the worried expression on his face now. I knew he wasn’t going to be funny now. For a moment I could understand why his congregation was so fond of him. He was, as a rule, friendly and cheerful, but when problems arose, he seemed trustworthy, and maybe he was. Just maybe.
The kitchen fell silent and again I looked at the tablecloth. Twisting a braid was so simple, I could do it with my eyes closed. Three strands, twisted around each other, again and again. All three were the same, each took turns and together they formed a new string, stronger than each single one.
Auntie’s opinion about me and Mara had changed since I had told her my secret a few days ago. It seemed that she now believed that I deserved to have my child. I thought she understood how the loss of Mara had shaken me, because I had finally found the courage to love my baby, and then I had to loose her. Everything had been against my will, conception and pregnancy, birth and disappearance. Nothing had gone the way I would have planned it, but the beautiful thing was that, regardless, my love for Mara had sprouted and blossomed. I knew that she had spoken with Mien again, and, even though she had not told me, I suspected that she had also tried other avenues. But all her attempts had come to nothing.
Did I really have to tell Reijer my secret now, in the hope of changing his mind? Why him? Would he be able to do what Auntie hadn’t been able to?
‘What can you do for us?’
‘I can enquire with other pastors in the area. Your child probably has been baptized recently. A pastor would know if a child in his congregation wasn’t born to the family but was adopted.’
I considered his words. What he said sounded reasonable.
‘But what if she’s living on the other side of the country?’ My voice sounded small and high-pitched. The thought that Mara could be that far away choked and discouraged me.
‘I can find out exactly where your father has been pastor.’
That also sounded reasonable and I leaned slightly forward as I realized that the chance that someone could help me find Mara was real and likelier than ever.
‘Please help me then.’
Reijer extended his hand to me across the table and left it there with the palm of his hand open. I looked at it warily and knew what he expected of me. Trust.
My hands seemed to be glued stuck to the little braid. I looked at his hand, then at mine and wondered to myself if I could do it. Could I put my hand in his?
I started to tremble and sweat. My face turned hot and sweat dripped down my armpits. My breath came fast. My eyes darted back and forth between his hand and mine. I blinked quickly and reminded myself of how short the distance was, how simple a gesture it would be. I blinked again and saw a man’s large hands behind my eyes.
My hand in his.
Could I do this for Mara?
Could I not do this for her?
Was it really a gesture of comfort and trust, or would I surrender myself to his authority if my hand touched his?
Would I be comforted or would I be desperately overpowered?
My hand was as heavy as a piece of lead, my arm wouldn’t move, I felt so hot. So very hot. I could hear Auntie’s voice saying something to Reijer and I slowly saw the hand move away. I saw flashes of black. Pitch black.
‘Everything is black.’
My voice sounded far off and inaudible. Then the light was gone and I fell.
When I awoke I was in bed.
‘I sent Reijer away,’ Auntie told me when I opened my eyes. ‘I’m sorry I forced him to ask you about your past. I thought it would have been good for you to tell your story once more. Also because it might have convinced him of your love for Mara.’
‘What happened?’
‘You fa
inted.’
‘I felt so hot.’
‘Drink some of this.’ Auntie held a cup of coffee up to me and I took a sip. She had added a liberal dose of brandy, I noticed. The taste was quite pleasant and I took another sip.
‘I’ll get up now.’
‘Stay in bed a little longer. You’re still so pale.’
I nodded and finished the rest of the coffee. Then I sat up and waited for the headrush to fade, then I stood.
‘I’m fine now, really.’
Auntie went ahead of me and cast worried glances over her shoulder, checking to see if I was all right.
‘I only cause you trouble,’ I said.
‘Don’t ever think that, Maria, it is wonderful to have you here,’ Auntie answered. I followed her quietly to the kitchen.
Regardless of Auntie’s request, Reijer hadn’t left, but was still waiting for us.
‘I couldn’t just up and leave,’ he said as we walked in. He rose and grabbed his cap. ‘I first wanted to know how you were, Maria.’ His eyes looked concerned, but my eyes quickly moved down to the hands fumbling with the cap. Could it really be that difficult?
‘I’ll leave now, then you can rest.’ He nodded at me and Auntie, and walked toward the door.
‘No, wait.’ I gasped for air and thought of Mara. ‘Don’t go yet.’
Reijer stopped hesitatingly, then turned around to face me again.
‘Maria.’ Auntie’s voice seemed to hover in the kitchen, concerned and motherly.
‘Please, sit down again.’
I was amazed at the sound of my own voice. I sounded firm and determined. Suddenly I could see Grandma, this small woman who could handle any farm worker with her legs firmly planted slightly apart and her arms folded over her chest. Her back straight, her shoulders square, and her voice full of authority. When she stood like that, nobody seemed to realize how small a figure she actually was and everyone obeyed her.
I straightened my back and walked to the table, pulled back a chair and repeated my invitation. I waited for Reijer to take a seat, and then I sat down myself. From the corner of my eye I noticed that Auntie wanted to pull out a chair as well. I made a quick decision, without really thinking it through.
‘Would you mind if the two of us just talked together, Auntie?’ I was afraid that I had hurt her with this request, but it suddenly seemed important to me to speak with Reijer in private. It wasn’t right for her to stay. I smiled at her and nodded. She nodded in response and I felt she understood. Auntie went outside and we sat at the kitchen table in silence. The clock counted away the seconds, and I wasn’t sure what to say. Reijer waited silently, it was up to me to open up the dialogue.
‘Do it again,’ I whispered finally, without looking at him.
‘What do you mean?’ he asked after a moment of silence.
I was surprised he asked, wasn’t it crystal clear what he was supposed to do? Had he not just offered me his hand?
‘Put your hand on the table.’
My ears thumped as I watched how he laid his hand down. I heard nothing but my own breathing as I slowly lifted my own hand and put it in his.
I felt warmth.
I closed my eyes, I could feel the pain.
I felt a solid warmth.
I opened my eyes and saw that he had curled his fingers around my hand. He didn’t squeeze, he just held it.
I wanted to pull, run and scream.
I did none of those. Instead, I left my hand in his.
‘This is very difficult for me,’ I finally said.
‘I don’t understand.’
Slowly I pulled my hand back and looked at it. Nothing strange had happened, nothing frightful. Neither had anything overwhelmingly awesome happened. Putting my hand into the hand of another person wasn’t earth shattering at all, and it also didn’t bring me any peace or new insights. I felt disappointed and slumped against the back of my chair.
I started to talk very softly. The words came out in a different order than a few days ago when I had told everything to Auntie, but the content was the same. I shivered and my arms were covered in goose bumps as the memories came alive before me once again. It didn’t matter that Reijer could hear the words that I whispered. It was just me and my memories, and I wanted to speak the words out loud so I could beat the past with the truth.
I fell silent for a moment to collect my thoughts, then I took a deep breath before I continued where I left off. I have no idea for how long I talked, time seemed to stand still, yet at the same time it seemed to hurry on so fast I couldn’t keep up. Finally I finished and spoke the last word. A silence fell over the kitchen and it spun thin threads, connecting me and Reijer, in the same way as Auntie and I were connected by invisible threads. Once again there was someone who knew, again I had to await their judgment or forgiveness. Or possibly their pity, but pity is not what I wanted.
I shivered, how could I possibly have told everything to a pastor! Wouldn’t a pastor of all people be ready with his verdict and condemn me? I fiercely started to gnaw at the skin around my nails.
‘I don’t know what to say, Maria,’ Reijer said in the end.
I kept gnawing and waited for his judgment.
‘Can’t you look at me?’ His voice was soft and I thought I had misheard his words.
‘Please, Maria?’
He wanted me to look him in the eye, and see his judgment there? Suddenly I thought of Mara and I knew I had done it for her. She was the reason that I had told him everything and it was for her that I would have to raise my head.
In his eyes I saw compassion.
No reproach at all. No blame. No condemnation.
Compassion.
‘What he did was wrong, Maria.’
My shoulders sagged as I looked away and replied. ‘I let him do what he wanted.’
‘You had no choice. He was the one who did wrong. I am ashamed…’ Reijer’s voice halted and he swallowed hard.
‘I admire your courage, Maria.’
I didn’t respond. I didn’t have that much courage.
We sat in silence together until Auntie returned to the kitchen and looked at us both with understanding. Then she poured the coffee and passed around more cookies. I quickly ate and drank it all and then I got up to disappear from the kitchen.
‘I’m sorry, Reijer, Auntie.’
I left the kitchen, stepped into my wooden shoes and went outside. I took a deep breath and I noticed that my whole body was shaking. Again a part of my past had fallen away from me. The load felt lighter, and yet heavier at the same time, because now there was another person who knew it all. Another person I would never be able to look square in the eyes. Another person who’s trust I wasn’t sure I could depend on.
His words resounded in my head. They were calming, but I didn’t dare trust them. Maybe he would stand on the pulpit this Sunday and preach on this sinfulness living among them.
My thoughts flitted around between everything he might be and everything I had come to know about him lately. Hope and fear struggled inside me. Could he find Mara for me? Would he do that, would he be willing to do that?
25
Auntie had done all she could to try and find Mara. She went to see Mien to discuss it with her and she even phoned the Reverend. All that without success, and there were no other options left to her. How ironic it is that now my only hope is found in another pastor.
Hope and despair are strange companions. Yet, they are with me daily. When will one of them win and destroy the other?
‘You should come with me to the market sometime, Maria.’ It was Thursday, and, as was her routine, Auntie was going to go to the market. She went every week, not only to buy groceries, but also to sell her eggs and butter, and to catch up on the local news. All the farmers from the surrounding areas came to the market so a lot of gossip was exchanged. It was also the day that she picked up her mail. In the past months she had send off quite a few of my letters and also brought a few back for me. She had nev
er asked me who it was that I wrote to, and even though it wasn’t really a secret, I had never told her.
Before, it would of course have been unthinkable that I would have gone with her, but now… I looked down, at my flat stomach and I knew it no longer prevented me from being seen in public. I was simply a niece, visiting her aunt. But the thought of all those people walking around at the market made me shudder and I was about to decline when Auntie started to talk again.
‘It would be good for you to be around people again. Do come along, Maria.’
‘What am I to going do there? Everyone will be asking questions…’
‘I’ll tell them the truth, that you’re my niece and that you’re staying with me. A few of the women will remember you, Maria.’
‘Even worse, then they’ll remember Mother too and ask questions about her.’
‘You can’t live in isolation forever, not even if you stay here. But I won’t force you.’ Auntie turned around and walked outside, across the yard to the wagon that was already waiting for her.
Her words resounded in my head and in my mind I saw Mother before me. Mother, who only stepped outside the door to go to church. Who had me do all the groceries for her so she wouldn’t have to go into the street. Mother, who would only be in the kitchen, caring for him, obeying him, forgetting about me.
Would I become just like her?
I ran outside and called out as loud as I could.
‘Wait!’
My shawl flapped behind me and I gave it a tug to wrap it tightly around my shoulders. Auntie Be reigned in the horse and the wagon came to a halt. I kept running until I reached her.
‘I’m coming.’
Auntie patted the seat beside her. I clumsily clambered on and sat down beside her. Then she clucked her tongue and urged the horse on.
‘You are a brave woman, Maria.’
Yes, I was so brave, my legs and hands trembled, I gasped for air – and not just because I ran that short distance. The sweat on my hands was not the sweat of labor, but the sweat of fear. I was so brave that I wanted nothing more than to jump off the wagon and run back home, safely, unseen.
Mara Page 18