But I remained seated.
It had been so long that I was amongst people that I felt overwhelmed by all the noise that came at me. The rattling of the wagon’s wheels on the cobblestones was only the beginning. When we had left the wagon behind and joined the lively bustle in the streets, voices of men, women and children came at me from all sides.
At first I felt a strange fear and I wanted to cover my ears with my hands and run away, but slowly the noises became like long lost friends. The silence on the farm had been good for me, but it occurred to me only now that I had actually really been lonely there. All these months I hadn’t spoken to anyone besides Auntie Be and Reijer. And Mien.
The first place we went to was the church in the center of the village. That’s where the butter and egg market was located and we had to take care of business there first. The overhang that was built against the side of the church was large enough to offer space to several farmers from the area to sell their eggs and butter. Auntie found her spot and placed her egg basket in front of her. I had a basket that was filled with butter and I placed it beside the eggs. Very quickly customers arrived and I realized these were all regulars. It wasn’t long before we had sold everything. Auntie exchanged a few words with the farmer beside us and then she took me around the church to the other side where the market was. Auntie pulled me along to a stand with brightly colored fabrics. She started to pull out rolls and asked me which fabrics I liked. I pointed at two different rolls and Auntie began to barter with the salesman. I suddenly understood that she meant to buy the fabric for me so I pulled on her sleeve.
‘Auntie, I don’t need anything.’
‘I would like to give you something.’
We were interrupted by the salesman who asked if he could help someone else in the meantime. Auntie shook her head and took the fabric before I could protest anymore. I stood there, silent, and watched how the salesman cut the fabric and then tore it off the roll. Auntie took it from him and put it into her basket, then she took my arm and pulled me along onto the market.
We slowly made our way past the stalls and I soaked up all the sounds and smells. I even started to believe that it was good I had joined society again.
‘Hello Be, how are you?’
A woman’s voice spoke behind us and Auntie turned. I turned with her and the first thing I noticed was that the woman was huge. I immediately remembered her from when I was young, then too I had been terribly impressed by her enormous size.
‘And who is that you have with you, it looks like…’
‘This is Maria, my niece,’ Auntie Be said.
‘Maria? Oh my goodness, Maria! You’re the spitting image of your mother, child.’ The woman held her hand to me and I shook it politely. My hand completely disappeared into hers.
‘Do you remember me? Aaf van Tree.’
I nodded and the woman continued her inquiry.
‘How is your mother, is she here too? Didn’t you move somewhere south, somewhere along the coast?’
‘Maria is visiting me for a little while,’ Auntie said when I didn’t answer. I could only think of one thing. I was so afraid of the question that was bound to come soon. I held my breath and curled my toes inside my wooden shoes.
But Aaf van Tree didn’t ask any more questions. Instead she said goodbye and excused herself because she had more errands to run. Then she walked briskly toward the cheese stall.
I gave a sigh of relief and relaxed my toes.
‘What will you say when someone asks why I’m here and for how long?’
‘The truth. I’ll tell them that you’re staying with me and that we are having a wonderful time together.’
‘But there’ll be more questions.’
‘We’ll see, but don’t worry about things that haven’t happened yet.’
I didn’t respond, but I also didn’t agree with Auntie. As we waited for our turn at the cheese stall I tried to unobtrusively look at the faces around me. I had no doubt that we would run into more of Auntie’s acquaintances.
All of a sudden my eyes caught sight of a passing baby carriage. I turned round and tried to look inside it but could only see the lace ruffles of a white baby bonnet. I stepped away from Auntie and followed the woman pushing the carriage. I simply had to see inside.
My wooden shoes clattered on the cobblestones, I bumped into people and apologized several times. Finally I caught up with the young woman and could look inside her carriage.
The baby was adorable, had round red cheeks, a dimple on the chin and a little tuft of hair poked out from underneath the bonnet. Blond. Bright blue eyes.
It wasn’t Mara.
Defeated I stood still right in the middle of the path between the stalls. The woman hadn’t noticed anything and quietly kept going, further and further away from me. Would I ever walk across this market with Mara close by me in my own baby carriage?
People bumped into me as they walked across the market, but I paid no attention to them and just stood there. Then Auntie grabbed me and pulled me to a bench at the edge of the square.
‘What was that all about, Maria?’
I still felt numb and it took a while before the meaning of her words penetrated to my mind. Finally I answered.
‘I thought it was Mara.’
Auntie shook her head and clucked her tongue. She said nothing and I wondered if she maybe had not understood me. We sat on the bench together in silence and stared at the people at the market.
In the end Auntie broke the silence. ‘We’d better move on now.’ She nodded at me and stood up.
‘I don’t think you’re going to find Mara here, Maria.’
Her words sounded kind enough, but they felt like a reproach. I was silent and followed her obediently. The only place we still had to go to was the sidewalk outside the baker’s. That was the place where the postmen had their spot on market day. Auntie and I would pick up the mail and then go home. We had no reason to stay any longer after that. My first excursion into society had become a strange mixture of pleasure and desperation.
Besides the weekly there were also a few letters, but I didn’t look when Auntie accepted the post from the three postmen who were having an enjoyable time together on the little sidewalk in the sun. Auntie chatted with them for a while, but I kept myself out of the conversation. I looked around me at all the bustle on the market and wondered if I would recognize anyone from when I was young if I saw them now. All of a sudden my attention was drawn to the two linden trees that lined the main shopping street. I looked up the trunks and smiled faintly when I noticed a large hole in the shape of a heart.
Auntie was finished, said goodbye to the postmen and linked arms with me. I nodded at the men and followed Auntie back to our wagon.
‘Was it that terrible, Maria? I really thought it would have been good for you,’ Auntie said as we were on our way back home.
I thought about her question, but I had no answer. It really hadn’t been that terrible, and yet my behavior had been surly. Once again the difference between me and Auntie had been confirmed, once again I had disappointed her.
‘I’m going for a walk.’
She nodded and I waited for her to go into the house. She didn’t, so I started to walk anyway. When, after a little while, I looked over my shoulder, I noticed she was still there, following me with her eyes, shielding her eyes with her hand. Like a soldier on guard. Would she still be there when I returned?
I left the farm and found myself a way through the bushes so I could reach the sandy path alongside. Dragging my wooden shoes across the sand I walked slowly, aimlessly. My steps created small dust clouds and the dust clung to my dress and my skin. I rubbed it off, but it only helped temporarily.
Why had I gone to the market? Had I thought from the start that I would find Mara there? Would I for the rest of my life continue to look for her amongst strangers, always wondering in which baby carriage my child would be? It had been strange to be in the village. I could still hear th
e noise of the wagons wheels on the cobblestones, the buzz of all the voices, feel the crowds bumping into me. It was like a living wall that separated me from my child.
I wasn’t used to people anymore and now, being alone with plenty of room about, I stretched my arms out wide. I turned round on the path and kept my head high, up towards the sunny sky. I could tell that the quietness here calmed me down. I spun round faster until I felt like a spinning top. The wind pulled at my clothes and blew off all the dust.
I opened my mouth to shout out loud, but that seemed too strange, so no sound crossed my lips. I stood still and waited for the world to settle down around me. Then I continued walking and suddenly I knew where I was going.
Since the day that I almost drowned in my despair I hadn’t returned there. It wasn’t far and now that I had a goal I walked on with determination. Soon I reached the water and looked over the smooth, almost black surface. I crouched down and touched the water with my hand. The movement of my fingers made the sand swirl up and turned the water murky.
I sat down and took off my wooden shoes and socks. I put my feet in the water and my toes played with the sand. The cold of the water felt comfortable and I remembered the steps I had made, the weight of my dress. I closed my eyes and suddenly remembered the water plants that had carried me.
No, not carried. They had pulled and almost strangled me. Reijer had saved me.
And still I found it so difficult to trust him.
How could I ever learn to deal with the presence of strangers? I couldn’t treat every person as an untrustworthy villain now, could I?
I lifted my left foot and the water dripped down. The water had not been a solution, despite the apparent simplicity of it. I stood up, with my feet still in the water and I could feel the water lap at the hem of my dress. Then I bent down and fished a rock from the water.
I threw the rock away from me with all the strength I possessed and this time my voice did work.
I screamed, ‘No!’ Let that rock sink to the bottom, not me. I still had hope. Maybe Reijer could return Mara to me. It gave me a sense of satisfaction to hear the rock splash into the water, and I looked for another rock, bigger this time and threw it far away as well. I waded through the water in search of rocks and sticks to throw. I would never again surrender myself to these depths. I didn’t know what to do about my future yet, but not that.
Finally I turned my back to the water and stepped onto the dry sand. My dress was soaked up to my knees and I bundled the fabric together in a knot between my legs so I could walk unhindered. I picked up my socks and wooden shoes and walked to a patch of grass. I sat down and wiped the sand off my feet with my socks. I stood up, ready to walk back home, barefoot in my wooden shoes.
Then suddenly I caught a movement from the corner of my eye, and I looked up.
‘Auntie?’
Slowly she approached.
‘I was so afraid you’d try again…’ She nodded at the water, and I understood.
‘It’s all just so difficult. The market. The people.’ I miss Mara.
‘You’ll learn, and I’ll help you.’
Yes, I could learn. I had to. I had to be ready for when she’d come home. I had to be ready for my daughter.
Auntie gave me her arm and together we walked home.
I still had some work left to do in the garden, so I picked up the hoe and a basket for the weeds. To my great surprise someone was already at work, someone had already done a big part the weeding for me.
‘Reijer?’
He smiled as he got up.
‘I thought I’d better make myself useful while I waited,’ he said and pointed at the basket full of weeds at his feet while he playfully swung a clump of grass on top of his head.
I smiled and approached him slowly. I stopped when three steppingstones separated me from Reijer. My embarrassment had slowly dissipated over the last few days, but now it seemed to have returned in full force.
Reijer shook his head and caught the clump of grass, then flung it into the basket as if it were a ball. Then his face turned serious and he looked at me.
‘I’ve done a lot of thinking these last few days. You have taught me something extraordinary, Maria.’
I wrapped my arms around me, expectantly, wondering what he meant. Reijer stepped one steppingstone closer to me. He tried to catch my eye, but I turned away, too shy to face him.
‘The love you have shown for a child that was conceived under such circumstances, has taught me a lot. You’ve touched me, Maria.’
I remained silent. What could I possibly say in response to such undeserved words of praise? I tried for so long to hate Mara. Slowly I stepped back, bringing some distance back between us.
‘Don’t run, Maria.’ Reijer reached out to me, but didn’t come closer.
‘Tell me why you came.’ Please let it be good tidings, I’m feeling so weak. My burden is so heavy and I need air, but all there is, is this heavy weight making it hard to breath freely.
‘I found her.’
There was a roaring sound in my ears and I almost lost my balance. What? What did he say?
‘I found her.’
I looked up at him and found air to breath. I took a deep breath and felt so free. The heavy weight fell off me and I smiled.
‘Where is she?’
‘I’ve brought the details for you.’ He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. He looked at me expectantly, questioningly. But instead of allowing him to come closer to me, I made two big steps toward him.
Reijer handed me the paper and I unfolded it. I read the information he had gathered. My fingers trembled and I almost dropped the paper. I held on to the paper with all my strength, never would I let go of it, never.
Then I screamed a high-pitched scream. I threw my head back and shrieked out loud to the heavens. I raised my arms to the sky and jumped as high as I could.
I screamed till I had no breath left in me.
Then I laughed and Reijer laughed with me. I turned around and started to run toward the farmhouse, I stopped for a moment, motioning Reijer to come along. Full of excitement I suddenly veered left as I remembered that Auntie was with the pigs. I had to run to the pig house, not the farmhouse.
I screamed again and jumped aimlessly up in the air before continuing to run. My skirts flapped about my ankles and I pulled them up so I could run faster. Every now and then I checked over my shoulder and saw that Reijer was still following me, at a slower pace but with a big smile on his face.
The door to the pig house opened up and Auntie emerged with a concerned expression on her face. She shielded her eyes with her hand and walked briskly towards me.
‘What’s the matter, I heard screaming…’
‘Auntie, look! Look!’ I pressed the paper into her hands and looked at her with anticipation. She hesitated, then started to read. I saw a smile appear on her face and I clapped in my hands. Again I started to jump and shriek for joy.
Auntie laughed with me and pulled me close to her. She held me tight and patted my shoulder affectionately.
‘Wonderful, my child. Just wonderful, wonderful.’
26
Justice hurts more than I had expected. There is no satisfaction in hurting another person. It’s a torment to my soul. Have I become like him by taking from someone what they love?
We had traveled by train to the little town and only had to enquire once before we found the house. It wasn’t far from the station. It was a simple, but neatly kept working-class cottage. I tried to picture the people who lived there, so happy with the child they had wanted for so long. And today I came to claim that child, birth certificate in hand to prove I had the right to take my child back. But inside I felt horrible as I considered that I would do to another woman what had been done to me. After all, how could someone not love Mara?
The cottage was in a poor area of town. It was well looked after, but no more than that. For a moment we stood in silence together, then I
put my arm through Auntie’s again and we walked together up the short walk to the front door.
I pulled the bell forcefully and we could hear it peel somewhere inside the house. It remained silent and I threw a sideways glance at Auntie. We hadn’t announced our visit, it was possible that no one was home. That meant we had made the whole journey for nothing and had to try again another day.
Once again I rang the bell, harder this time and I pulled several times in a row, quickly. Now there was movement inside. I heard footsteps behind the door and the soft voice of a woman, though I couldn’t make out what she said. Then the door was opened.
‘Hello, good afternoon.’ Her eyebrows arched enquiringly, but she had a friendly smile.
‘Good afternoon.’ I took a deep breath and all of a sudden forgot all the words I had meant to speak. The woman in front of me was no more than ten years older than me, she had a friendly, round face and the smile around her mouth seemed to be quite at home there. I noticed little laugh wrinkles around her eyes and knew she had cheerful disposition.
‘What can I do for you?’ She still sounded friendly, but it occurred to me that she must be wondering what these two silent women were doing at her doorstep. I still couldn’t utter a word though. My nerves were on edge and I broke out into a clammy sweat thinking of what I had come to tell this woman.
Auntie started to speak before the silence became unbearable.
‘Are you Mrs. Van Doorn?’
‘Yes, I am.’
‘In that case we would appreciate it if we could come inside for a moment. There is something we need to discuss with you.’ Boldly Auntie moved a step forward and the woman unwittingly opened the door a bit wider to let us in. Auntie went ahead and I followed.
The hall was small and narrow, but the tiles on the floor were clean and the worn out carpet on the stairs also was clean.
We stood all three, uncomfortably, in the little hall. Mrs. Van Doorn had placed her hands on her hips.
‘Before I invite you in any further, I’d first like to know what your business is.’
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