‘It’s about the child you have,’ Auntie spoke since I remained speechless.
The woman gasped for air and I saw that she wavered unsteadily for a moment. She stared from me to Auntie and back to me again. Then she leaned against the wall and even in the poorly lit hallway I could see that the blood had drained from her face. Slowly she opened the door to the living room and let us in.
‘Come in.’ Her voice was no more than a whisper and I could hear the pain and fear in it. I stepped over the threshold and felt such a lowlife.
‘Please, have a seat.’ She pointed both of us to a chair and I sat down on the edge of mine.
The woman sat down across from us. I could she her hands were trembling and her face was still ashen.
‘What have you come for?’
For my child, to take her home.
The words had seemed so obvious and simple when I had practiced them at home. Every time I had spoken them out loud I had felt happier. Now however, there was a large lump in my throat, stopping me from speaking even a word. It was hard to breath.
Auntie fumbled in her bag and eventually pulled out a piece of paper. I knew it was the birth certificate. Without a word she handed it to Mrs. Van Doorn.
‘No. No.’
The piece of paper rustled in her trembling hands.
‘No.’
I half expected her to rip the paper up in anger, making it impossible for justice to take its course.
‘She was taken from me without my knowledge.’ These weren’t the words I had prepared, but my mouth spoke them before I thought about it. ‘I miss her day and night. She’s a part of me, my heart is no longer complete.’
‘No.’
Yes.
I could see the pain I caused this woman by coming here with my request. And, even though the words weren’t said out loud, all three of us knew how this was going to end. For a split second I considered getting up to leave without looking back, without her. I knew this woman loved my daughter, I could see it in her eyes, I could hear it in her voice, I could feel the absolute anguish that filled her whole being.
‘What did you call her?’
‘Janneke.’
Janneke.
‘I called her Mara.’
‘Mara. Bitterness. Sweet bitterness.’
She slowly rose from her seat and warily looked at us.
‘What is it you wanted to do?’
‘I want to take her home.’
‘She is ours. We’ve waited so long…’ The woman started to cry and I could feel her pain deep inside me. Auntie put her arm around my shoulders, which made the pain and sadness I felt for Mrs. Van Doorn even worse. She had to go through this alone, her husband was probably at work.
‘I won’t give her away.’ She seemed to have made a firm decision and resolutely stood up straight. ‘She’s my daughter. I won’t give her to you. Out with you two, out!’
I gently shook my head, though I understood her completely. ‘She’s my daughter.’
‘Out!’ She pointed with a trembling finger and there was nothing left of the smile that had been on her face earlier. She was now a mother fighting for her child.
Auntie rummaged in her bag again and pulled out another piece of paper.
‘Maybe you should read this. Maria has every right to claim her child. She is the biological mother and nothing can change that. I’m sorry.’ The sheet of paper was a description of my legal rights. The woman could protest all she wanted, but I was fully allowed to take Mara with me. No matter how difficult it was to do that now.
Despite her anger the woman took the paper and read it. I saw her shoulders slump. I saw how reality hit her and undermined her ability to fight. She was powerless and she knew it.
‘Can’t you wait one more day? Or two, or maybe a week?’
Auntie shook her head pointedly and I was grateful to her, for I would have promised this woman anything to ease her pain.
The piece of paper fell from the woman’s hand and fluttered onto the floor. She turned round to the door that we had entered through. I looked at Auntie, confused, and wanted to get up and follow the woman, but Auntie nodded at me and put a finger against her lips.
The woman disappeared and I could hear her shuffling footsteps on the stairs. My thoughts and memories whirled through my head and contradicted each other.
Whore. You have no right to this child.
But she’s my daughter, my own flesh and blood. I carried her, I gave birth to her and fed her. I love her.
Look at what you’re doing to this woman.
Do I have to suffer for the sake of a woman I don’t know?
You are a whore. This woman is innocent, she finally has a child to love.
And what about me? What about me?
The woman returned to the room carrying a small bundle in her arms. Her eyes and cheeks were red from crying.
‘Can you at least wait until my husband is home? He will want to say goodbye to her.’
I hardly heard her question, for my attention was focused on Mara who was so close to me all of a sudden. I jumped up and walked toward the woman, prepared to take the child from her. When I stopped in front of her I understood her pain and struggle, but then she put Mara in my arms. The warm little bundle against me felt so familiar and at the same time it didn’t. She had grown a lot in these three long months, but I could see her eyes and knew without a doubt that this was my daughter. Then she started to flail her arms about and her face turned sad. Before I realized what had happened she started to cry. I clucked my tongue and made soft noises, but it didn’t seem to mean anything to her.
With desperation I quickly glanced at Auntie and suddenly I heard that voice again. She’s better off elsewhere, Maria. What makes you think you could care for her. From the corner of my eye I saw Mrs. Van Doorn step forward with her hands outstretched, as if she meant to take Mara over from me. I quickly turned away from her and bent over Mara, ignoring the words in my head. With my nose I stroked her cheek and kept muttering words of endearment. Slowly the crying got softer and her arms and legs relaxed. I lifted her up and held her against my shoulder, her head resting in the palm of my hand. Still sobbing a bit she lay against me, close to my heart.
Auntie and I awaited the return of Mr. van Doorn. I had returned Mara to the arms of the young woman who had been her mother, and I watched how she said goodbye to my child. It hurt to see it, but I had to be tough for Mara’s sake. Never would I abandon her.
It was heartwrenching when later that afternoon the husband came home and burst into an impotent rage when he learned what we had come for. The farewell was bitter and I felt justly hated. What should have been a day of triumph had ended up as a bitter sweet reunion.
Everything had changed. The cradle stood once again in my bedroom and every time I walked past and saw my daughter lying there I took such delight in seeing her, and I smiled. I often would lean over the cradle as she slept and I’d talk to her. I always told her I loved her, and I would sing nursery rhymes that I remembered from when I was young.
When Mara was awake her eyes would attentively follow my every move, and I hoped she knew that I was her mother. That I was more to her than just the woman who looked after her. I was looking forward to the day that she would call me ‘Mother’, but in the meantime I thoroughly enjoyed every minute we had together.
Reijer came to visit and I thanked him. He spoke little, but I could see the contentment in his eyes. When he sat down I put Mara in his arms and he rocked her gently. Her little mouth quivered for a moment and I was worried she’d start to cry, but the sound of his deep voice calmed her.
‘She’s beautiful, Maria,’ he said finally as he returned my daughter to me. ‘A miracle of God’s creating love.’
I took her from him without a word, but his words resounded in my head for the rest of the day. God and miracles. Fairytales and reality.
27
It was market day again and Auntie asked me if I wanted to co
me, but I said no. When she had left I thought about her offer and it slowly dawned on me what it would have cost her if I had gone with her.
I thought back to the week before when I had come along with her on market day. The people we had met, the conversations Auntie had had with her friends. Some of them she had known for years and some of them knew me too. They knew who I was and they knew I was unmarried, only sixteen years old.
Auntie’s reputation would be ruined if it became known that I had a child. Nobody would consider the circumstances or keep in mind that she had only helped me through a difficult time. And I was convinced that Auntie would never lie about it. If I were to appear in public with her, she would speak the truth to everyone. She would freely tell that I was her niece and Mara her great-niece.
I imagined us walking together over the market, with Mara in a baby carriage. Auntie would do all her errands and she’d discuss fabrics with me, but the salesman would only bother with her to receive his money. He wouldn’t give her the time of day for a friendly chat. The postmen would hand her a bundle of mail, but at the same time continue their conversation and not bother to even look at her. I imagined how Auntie would greet and talk to her friends. How they might just contain their contempt for as long as their conversation with Auntie lasted, but as soon as we would walk on I would be able to hear their hushed remarks.
The shame, the shame, the shame.
Eternal, unforgivable and impossible to cover up.
How could I do this to Auntie, to be ridiculed and treated with contempt in her own hometown? She had lived here all her life, had grown up on this farm and was part of this small community. If I stayed here, everything would change for her.
I heard the wagon return and I went out to the yard to welcome Auntie back and to help her with the wagon. She cheerfully waved at me when she saw me and I saw that her cheeks had a healthy fresh colour.
‘Hello, Maria!’ Her voice sounded happy and I smiled.
‘Hello, Auntie. You must have had a nice time at the market?’
She nodded and climbed down from the wagon. The dog came running and bounced excitedly around her feet. She gently pushed him back with her leg.
‘Next week you really ought to come with me, Mara. Or Sunday, then you can come to church with me. But that can come later.’ Auntie took my arm. ‘Come along, I’ve got something for you.’
She pulled me to the little bench beside the front door and put her basket down. She waited for me to sit down and then started to rummage through her basket. She pulled out a small parcel. It was wrapped in newspaper and tied up with string and a big bow. I warily took the parcel from her.
‘What is this for?’
‘Have a look.’
I slowly pulled the string and folded the newspaper away. In my lap were two tiny, white wooden shoes.
‘I bought the smallest size they had,’ said Auntie.
I took one of the tiny wooden shoes and held it in my hand. I thought of Mara’s little feet and couldn’t believe that these wooden shoes would ever fit her. Her feet were still so very dainty and small, quite unsuited for clunky wooden shoes. Yet I knew that one day she would be big enough and I would put these wooden shoes on her feet and watch her walk around on them.
‘They’re so cute, Auntie!’
‘Can you see her already, walking in the yard?’ Auntie smiled at me and I nodded eagerly in agreement.
Only much later, when I, with a smile on my face, put the tiny wooden shoes on my bedside table, I thought about it again. My smile disappeared and I felt a lump in my throat. Staying here would change Auntie’s life. It would result in things I didn’t want to be responsible for. Until now it had been fairly easy to keep myself hidden on the farm, but that was partially because I had arrived in winter when most of life was lived indoors. At this time of year there were all sorts of activities that took place outside, and Mara would also grow up fast. It was impossible to continue to keep myself in hiding.
I got changed into my nightgown and checked up on Mara in her cradle one more time. She was fast asleep. Her cheeks were rosy and her breathing was regular and deep. I knew she would sleep soundly all night. I kissed her forehead and whispered that I loved her. Then I went to bed myself and pulled the blankets up to my chin. For a moment I glanced at the little wooden shoes on the bedside table, then I blew out the oil lamp and it was dark. I was alone with my thoughts.
For several days I thought about my options and every time I ended up with the same conclusion, knowing full well that the path I chose would be a difficult one. When Reijer came I explained my predicament to him, but he really wasn’t much help, at least I didn’t think so. He didn’t agree with me and thought that I should give Auntie the chance to decide for herself. He said that in fact, she actually had done that already. I didn’t understand and also didn’t agree with him.
‘Do you think that the members of your church will be so broadminded that there won’t be any talk?’ I asked him.
He was silent for a moment and then shook his head. ‘I’m afraid they won’t be. At least, not all of them,’ he added quickly.
‘So Auntie will be humiliated if I stay.’
‘Maybe you’re wrong.’
‘I can’t do that to her.’
‘Last Sunday I preached on the adulterous woman. Do you know that story?’ I nodded and felt my stomach cringe at the thought that he was going to tell me now what he should have told me a long time ago already. With my head down I waited for his words of admonishment.
‘That story is in the end not about what the woman has done, but about what Jesus offers her. He offers her forgiveness.’
Good for her.
‘But that’s not all, He also shows the people who were watching that they have no right to judge another person without first looking at themselves.’
‘How many of your church members have understood that lesson, you think?’
Reijer shrugged his shoulders despondently. I knew enough.
28
I know that I’ll be welcome and that has made it easier to come to my decision. Did I tell you yet that Reijer doesn’t agree with me? He says that by doing this I’m making the decision for Auntie, but I just want to protect her from hurtful remarks made by her friends. I’m very happy with the place you’ve got for me. It won’t be long now until I come, since I know everything has been prepared. I’ll tell Auntie about my decision as soon as possible. After I’ve done that I’ll need a few days, possibly a week to organize things here. I expect it won’t be very easy travelling with Mara, but I’m very much looking forward to show her to you.
Everything was ready. Now the only thing left to do was tell Auntie about it. When I had given Mara her last feeding for the day and had put her to bed, I went to the kitchen to talk to Auntie.
‘Auntie, I have something to tell you.’ My voice sounded tense and I knew Auntie noticed it too.
‘Let me put on some tea first, child, then I’ll join you.’ She put her hand on mine and gave it a gentle squeeze. Then she put the water on to boil and searched the cupboards. I saw her take out a large green tin and I smiled. I knew that it was the cookie tin.
When the water was boiling I got up and poured tea for the two of us. Auntie filled a plate with cookies and put it on the table. There were six cookies, four too many my mother would have said, but I knew by now that Auntie would always have an abundance of food on her table.
‘It’s bad news you have for me, isn’t it, Maria?’
I was taken aback by the quiver in her voice and I realized that Auntie was afraid of what I was going to say. Of course I knew my decision would also spell loneliness for her, but had she not been living on her own for years already? I swallowed hard as I started to tell my lie. I was relieved when I noticed how Auntie listened attentively and nodded a few times.
‘I will miss you,’ she said in the end, ‘but it’s only for two weeks.’ She took a cookie from the plate and took a bite. I felt sick as I
watched her, but I also took a cookie so she wouldn’t suspect anything.
‘When will you leave?’
‘As soon as everything is organized. I can phone them and tell them when I’m coming.’
‘That’s good. We should make a list of things for you to bring along. We’ll have to make sure that Mara won’t lack a thing, won’t we?’ She winked at me and took another cookie.
I chewed my cookie without tasting any of it. It hadn’t lied to her for nothing. It would be easier for her to think that I was only leaving for a short while. But it still hurt.
‘Do you really have to go, Maria? I know, of course you do.’ Auntie’s voice sounded sad and she pulled me close. I hugged her and kissed her on the cheek.
‘I’ll be back, Auntie, I’ll be back, but I have to do this first.’
She nodded, but I saw doubt in her eyes. She was afraid to remain behind alone, a fear I knew and understood. I took her hand and looked her in the eyes.
‘I’ll be back, Auntie. Really.’ The blatant lie crossed my lips without any difficulty. There’s nothing I wanted more than return to her, but it was impossible.
‘I know, sweetheart.’
But I still could sense her doubt. I felt for her but I was determined to see things through.
‘I looked up which train you’re going to need for Amsterdam.’
‘Platform one,’ I said.
Auntie nodded and led the way. She pushed the baby carriage and I carried a suitcase with some of the necessary items. It wasn’t going to be easy for me to transfer everything from one train to the next each time, but this time I wasn’t as afraid of the journey. The baby carriage had to be stored in the baggage car so I lifted Mara from the carriage and put her in a wrap that I carried around my neck and shoulder. Auntie helped me on the train and walked with me to find a good seat for me. Finally I sat down and Auntie bent down to hug me one more time.
‘Goodbye, and have a safe journey.’
‘Thank you for everything, Auntie.’
Her warm embrace disappeared and I could hear her footsteps in the train. Then she stood outside on the platform again, waving at me through the window. I could see her strength as she smiled despite the sadness she felt. I followed her example and smiled and waved.
Mara Page 20