To the Steadfast

by Briana Gaitan

  “See? I told you so. Guys don’t like to talk about the personal stuff.”

  “Come on, what makes you think he used you? And your father? You complain about him never being around anyway. As for Mischa…”

  His eyes close, and he swallows so loudly I can hear it from where I stand. “Did you ever think about not being so easy?”

  Wincing from the shock of his words, the fact that he just called me a whore, I impulsively bring my hand up and slap him. My fingers make a sharp impact with his cheek, and I hope the stinging in my hand is only a portion of what he feels. His face is frozen, stunned by the fact that I, Cody, had the balls to slap him. I’ve never hit anyone in my entire life. I’m normally a passive person.

  A little voice inside of me tsks.

  It’s true, you know. You let Mischa use you. You begged him to sleep with you. He told you he couldn’t make any promises. And Dad? You knew he wasn’t around. Deep down, you had to know something was up.

  “Don’t you ever speak to me again,” I whisper. I make a move to slap him again, but he grabs my wrist and holds it tight in the air. His mouth is set in a hard line.

  “I’m sorry, Cody. I shouldn’t have said that.” His voice is pitiful, breaking me in two. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. You’re not easy. You’re just trying to live and to feel, I know that. I understand it.”

  He pulls me close, wrapping his arms around me in the most intimate hug I’ve ever received from him or anyone else for that matter. We aren’t normally touchy feely friends, but I let him support my weight as I breathe in his scent. Smoke and deodorant. I’ll never forget that smell.

  Violet lines her eyes with a heavy black shadow and puckers her lips at the mirror. It’s sort of her signature style. Makeup and a loud mouth. She digs through my cosmetic bag and pulls out some purple lipstick.

  “Have you spoken to your dad lately?” she asks.

  I’m getting dressed behind her, so I can’t pretend not to have heard. I pull up my dress. “Not since he walked out, but he keeps sending me gifts.” I hold out my wrist to show off a diamond bracelet. “How about you?”

  “I see my dad behind a barbwire fence once a week,” she says, not at all embarrassed about the situation. He’s not getting out anytime soon, and Violet has accepted it. Her reasoning is, if he really cared about her and her brother, he wouldn’t have done anything to get put in jail over in the first place.

  “At least you get that,” I mumble.

  “God, you’re so whiny. Your dad isn’t in jail. You can go see him whenever you want. You just need to quit your bellyaching and visit.”

  I don’t say anything, but continue to fix the belt around my waist. She doesn’t understand the relationship between my parents and me. She assumes they’re easier to forgive.

  We’re on our way out to some sort of party Harrison has invited us to. The same guy she’s been hooking up with over the past few weeks. She almost never pulls a double so this is an interesting thing.

  “What eyeshadow should I wear?” She turns and holds out two pallets. Blue and green.

  “Blue would look better with your eyes.” I don’t even know if it will look better. It doesn’t matter, she always looks great.

  “Thanks, I’ll go with the green then.” She sticks her tongue out at me.

  I turn the music up louder. There’s no one here to make me turn it down. Nothing could wake my mother from her self-induced, self-medicated sleep.

  Violet looks at her cell phone and then at me. “I forgot. Mischa called while you were in the shower. He wants you to call him.”

  My heart begins racing, my palms get clammy. I don’t answer for a second, trying not to seem overexcited. “Really? Why?”

  “I dunno. He probably wants something.”

  “Oh?”

  “I’m gonna ask this one last time. What’s going on with you guys?”

  I shrug and sit down on the bed as she finishes her makeup. “We’re just friends.”

  “I get the feeling you’re both lying to me. Something happened.”

  “Nothing happened. I’ve hardly spoken to him over the past few weeks.”

  She shrugs. “He’s had his hands tied up anyway.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Don’t tell anyone I told you…but he’s kind of taken over Dad’s clients.”

  “He’s dealing drugs?” I whisper before covering my mouth.

  She lowers her eyes before continuing. “You’d think they’d stay away from us, the police watch the house like crazy, but they all need a fix. As long as I get my wake n bake. I don’t care what Mischa does.”

  Idiot. Stupid, annoying, but beautiful idiot.

  I pull up my phone and dial Mischa’s house number. He needs a cell phone. It would be a lot easier to get ahold of him.

  “Cody?”

  “Hey.” I’m not sure what else to say. I can’t just blurt out, why didn’t you call? Why are you selling drugs? I settle on “How have you been?”

  “Fine.” I want to ask where the hell he’s been, but I’m too afraid of the answer. I don’t want to seem too needy.

  “Cody, I have a big favor, and I understand if you say no but this is a matter of life and death.”

  Now I’m worried. “Sure, is everything okay?”

  “No, I mean yes. Could you… get some more of your mom’s pills for me?”

  I choke on something imaginary, trying to catch my bearings. Did he really just ask me to be his supplier? “Um…I don’t know. Why?”

  “I can’t tell you, but it’s important.”

  “I need answers,” I say with a firm tone. “I need more from you.” I’m talking about more than just this conversation, but he doesn’t know that.

  “Fine. My dad lost a lot of the drugs during the bust and he owes a lot of people money. They’ve gone to the next best thing to get the money, me. I’ve come up with half, but an opportunity has arisen, and I need pills. If I get them tonight, I’ll have most of the debt paid off. ”

  “Can’t you tell someone?” I ask. “Can’t you call the police?”

  “No, they’ve threatened Violet and Mom. I can’t let anything happen to them. Please don’t tell her. I don’t want her to worry about this. I only have a few more days, and minimum wage at the gas station isn’t enough to cover it.”

  I want to protect him. He’s so much more than the sum of his father’s problems.

  After a few moments of careful deliberation, I decide to do it. “Fine, I’ll see what I can do.”

  “Thank you, thank you. You’re a lifesaver. ”

  I hang up and turn to see Violet glaring at me. She smacks her lips together to even out her lip gloss and cocks her head to the side.

  “He’s not gonna change for you. You do know that, right?”

  “I know exactly what I’m doing.” I stand up and walk past her toward my mom’s room. She follows behind me and raises her voice a little bit.

  “Really? Because the lovey dovey look on your face is really making me sick.”

  I spin around to face her. “I told you nothing is going on. I’m just having fun. I’m not falling in love.”

  “That’s what you say, but all Mischa knows how to do is break hearts. He’s like my father in that way. When he breaks your heart where will that leave us? I need you, Cody. You’re my best friend.”

  “Nothing is changing. I’m sick of talking about this. Let’s go.” I throw my hands in the air.

  I scavenge through a few bottles of pills on my mom’s nightstand. I’m not sure exactly what they are, but I stuff them in my purse. I’m sure there’s enough here to get Mischa what he needs. I’ll deal with the consequences later.

  “When did you start taking pills?”

  I don’t have the heart to tell her it’s for her brother, and he’s doing it to save her ass. “Since it numbed me. You should try it sometime.”

  “Tried it and don’t care for it. I’ll stick with the tequila.”

&
nbsp; I push past her and walk down the stairs. “Tequila makes you horny.”

  “So?” She gives me a mysterious grin.

  The party is in a remote part of town at a small house thrown by friends of friends of friends. I don’t know if it’s a high school party or a college party. It seems to be an even mixture of both. Harrison had only gotten us invited an hour ago. The place is packed with kids standing around drinking and talking. Nothing too wild.

  “Violet!”

  Violet waves at Harrison and runs off without saying goodbye. Being alone at a strange party where I don’t know anyone. Fun. I find a quiet spot and pull a few pills out of the bottle. Some people call liquor, liquid courage. I’m certain pills are like mine. I take a few and begin looking for Mischa.

  A few people from class wave. I recognize one of the guys as a friend of Mischa’s. He’s from a good family, but has almost as bad a reputation as Mischa. He’s one of those guys who can get away with anything because of who his father is. Why Mischa is friends with him is beyond me. I walk up to him and his face lights up and travels down my body. I flip my hair over my shoulder and lean into him hoping to get him to tell me where his friend is.

  “Hey, Ethan, right?”

  “It’s Elliot.”

  “That’s what I said, Elliot. Is Mischa here?”

  He puts his hands on my hips and pulls me in a little too close for comfort. Mischa is the only one whose hands belong on my body

  “Over there,” he says, pointing to the stairs. “Not sure he’s waiting for you if you catch my drift. Come have a drink with me.”

  “Maybe later.” I push away from him. Everything is spinning, but I somehow manage to climb the stairs sluggishly so I don’t fall. With each step, my legs feel like they’re going to give out.

  At the top, I scan for Mischa. When I finally find him, he’s standing with his arms around some girl. She’s dressed in a tight skirt with her red hair piled high on her head. She’s gorgeous, but I’ve never seen her before.

  I stand there and watch as his hand snakes around her back before settling on her butt. He’s practically humping her in front of everyone. It’s sickening. Bile threatens to reveal itself at the back of my throat. What happened to me? Wanting to take me out? His eyes lift to mine and something flashes. Guilt at getting caught, but there’s no real emotion attached to it. He’s not actually sorry. It’s like he wanted to get caught.

  “Cody? Hey, you found me. Let’s go in the other room.”

  The girl doesn’t even acknowledge me. Instead, she gives one last rub up against Mischa as if to claim her territory. He grabs me by the arm and drags me into one of the empty rooms where it’s quieter.

  “Did you get it?”

  “Yeah,” I say shortly. “I got it, but I don’t know if I want to give it to you.”

  He raises an eyebrow. “Seriously?”

  “Forget it. Let’s hurry up so you can get back to your girlfriend out there.”

  He gives me a smile, the corner of one side lifting. “Is that what this is about? She’s no one. You know how I feel about you.”

  “No, I don’t.” I try to put on a brave face, but it still hurts inside.

  He sets his hand on my shoulder and gives it a squeeze. “You’re Cody Lombardi. You’re my little sister’s best friend. You’re my friend.”

  Friend. He just friend zoned me. We both know he won’t leave me be. He’ll keep trying to pull strings and say sweet nothings until he gets his way. Giving up, I pull the bottles from my bag.

  “I don’t know what they are, but I hope they help.”

  He leans in and kisses me on the cheek. Everything melts away, and I remember how sweet he can be at times. “You know I appreciate you so much.”

  “I know.” I can’t say much else. Is he using me? Treating me like shit? Of course, but I’m still here.

  He laughs when he reads the labels on the bottles and holds up the smallest one. “This one is for heartburn.”

  He holds up a blue bottle. “This one is good, very good stuff. Painkillers.”

  “Oh, I took a few of those a few minutes ago,” I say. I’m not moving, but I somehow lose my balance and stumble against him.

  Mischa steadies me. His jaw tightens as he looks me over. “God, look at your pupils. You can barely stand straight. How many?”

  “I don’t know. A few.”

  “This is important. How many did you take? These are powerful painkillers. You could overdose on these things.”

  “Now you care?”

  “I’ve always cared about you.” He tries to stroke my hair, but I shrivel away.

  “Don’t. You slept with me and disappeared. Maybe it was my fault for believing you could care about someone. Maybe it was my fault for believing you could care about me.”

  He turns away and runs his hands over his face in exasperation.

  “Ugh, Cody. Don’t do this. Don’t make this into something it’s not. I can’t be the guy you want. I can’t be Mr. Wonderful and go to college and buy you nice things. I have no future.”

  “I don’t want Mr. Wonderful. I want you.”

  I want him to say it back, but he doesn’t. He walks from the room and returns back to Miss Humpy-hump. I divert my eyes from them, but it’s useless. I’m drawn to them. I can’t look away. Mischa watches me. He doesn’t care how much it hurts me to see him all over another girl. True, I shouldn’t be so upset. Everyone warned me, but I thought things would be different. I thought Mischa might fall in love with me, but I was so wrong. I find Elliot where I left him and grab him by the back of the head.

  “Still want to get that drink?” I ask.

  “Hell, yeah.”

  “Here’s something even better.” I kiss him, pulling him against me and wrapping my hands around his neck and running my fingers through his black hair. He doesn’t protest, encouraging me to kiss him deeper. Our bodies move to the music, and I open my eyes slightly to look at Mischa, who is trying hard not to stare. That’s right, Mischa. If you don’t want me, someone else will take me.

  Taking it to the next level, I push Elliot into the nearby bathroom. I need to feel something, anything except absolute pain. Everything is a blur, just one motion after another as our clothes drop to the ground.

  Sometime later, I’m stumbling out of the bathroom, my blouse buttoned up all wrong and my hair in a tangled mess. I grab a cup from a nearby girl’s hand and throw it across the room. It hits the wall behind Mischa, splattering brown liquid all across his back and the redhead squeals as beer covers her hair and face. The room silences as people look around to see who threw it. Their eyes center in on me, judging me. I don’t know why I lost my cool all of a sudden, but I’m light-headed and I’m feeling sick to my stomach. It’s like I’m gonna throw up, but who knows what will come out. I haven’t eaten all day, haven’t drank anything but that glass of water with the pills.

  Mischa’s eyes are hard. Green orbs concentrated on me with a look of annoyance. Pure annoyance, not concern or sympathy or anything of that nature.

  My stomach churns even more as I think about what a fool I’ve been and how much attention I just drew to myself.

  I shoot down the stairs as fast as I can until I make it outside near the tree line in the front yard.

  I dry heave, stomach acid spilling across the ground. I stumble along toward my car. I’ve never felt so sick to my stomach and it hurts everywhere. I want to go home.

  “Cody! Wait!”

  It’s Mischa, but I don’t bother to turn around. I need to get to my car. I need out of here.

  “Cody!”

  Fed up, I halt and turn around. He’s alone now, but when he reaches out to touch me, I jerk away. I don’t want to be near him. After all his empty words, telling me I was different, I don’t want to be near him. I’m no different from any of the other girls.

  “I’m so sorry, Cody. I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have slept with you.”

  His words cause me to double over, clu
tching my stomach and struggling to catch my breath. “Then why did you do it?”

  “I don’t know!”

  “Tell me! Tell me, you fucking coward!” I scream the words out, almost making my voice horse.

  “I don’t know. What do you want me to say? I’m an eighteen-year-old hormonal guy. It was a mistake. I even tried not to break your heart, but I don’t love you, not like you want me to.”

  I don’t believe him. I can’t believe him. We had something, I’m certain. We’d connected. I wipe away the tears blurring my vision. It happens in movies. It happens in books. I’m supposed to get the guy. I’m the leading lady.

  “But I love you.” I wait for something, anything from him.

  He takes my hand and gently rubs the top with his thumb. “You are beautiful. You are giving and kind. I’d give anything to be the one who deserves you, but there’s a guy out there who’s better for you. Better than me.”

  “But I want you.”

  He groans. “I told you no promises.”

  Like that’s an excuse. “You know what? You’re an asshole. I’ll be gone in a year anyway. You’d have only been a distraction.”

  “You are a distraction! And I’m no good for you.”

  I turn, one eyebrow raised, as I let his words sink in.

  “When you pay back the guys your dad owes money to. Are you gonna stop selling?”

  He answers a little too quickly for my liking. He’s such a smooth liar. “Of course.”

  “The truth.”

  He looks into the distance. “I don’t know. It’s easy money. I can make twice what I do at a regular job.”

  “Then you’re becoming what you always feared. You’re going to end up just like him.”

  He moves forward, his eyes still on mine. A part of me wants him to kiss me and forgive him for all the things he’s done. My breath falters as he touches my arm. The gentle strokes bring tingles up my spine.

  Pulling the keys from my grasp, he moves his other hand to the small of my back.

  “You’re messed up. You’re acting irrational and not yourself. You can’t drive. I’ll take you home.”

  He’s right. There’s no filter on my mouth, no cap to my feelings, no ending to this incredible high I feel. If only the situation were a happy one, these emotions would feel so much better.