To the Steadfast

by Briana Gaitan

Instead, I ask him a question that has been burning a hole in my head. “Why was there a warrant for your arrest? Who did you assault? And why are you so afraid of being with me?”

  He drops my arm. “Who told you about that?”

  “Someone at the jail.”

  He runs his hands down his face and turns away from me. “I don’t want to say.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m afraid you’ll hate me forever.”

  “I don’t hate you. I just don’t understand why you do this to me. You say we can’t be together, but you seek out every opportunity to be in my life. If you want to be in my life, let me in yours.”

  His brow scrunches up, but finally he relaxes and talks. “I got drunk and hit a guy last winter. I’ve been arrested on a few drug charges as well…and burglary, but that was a huge misunderstanding. The guy owed me money and I was only taking back what he owed me.”

  For the first time, I see Mischa as he really is. All throughout middle school and high school, it was as if he was this unobtainable beautiful god. I’d be willing to bet anything that he’s still selling drugs. “Mischa, I don’t know if I can do this anymore. Whatever this is.”

  “At least let me give you something. An apology gift.” He reaches into the pocket of his shirt before putting both hands behind his back. When he puts both fists out in front of him he says, “Pick a hand.”

  Intrigued by his game, I pick his right hand. When he opens it, a silver chain lays in his palm. I reach down and pick it up. It’s not one chain, but two. Each chain has a small pendant in the shape of half a hard. ‘My love’ is engraved across the heart. Love.

  “We were cleaning out my dad’s stuff a few weeks ago. I found this and thought of you. I guess he bought it for my mom a long time ago, but never gave it to her. I can’t— I can’t be like you, but you’re the only one in my life that ever pushed me to be better. You’re the only person who’s ever cared about what’s inside of me. ”

  “It’s beautiful.” I take one of them and put it round my neck. Mischa grabs the other and puts it back in his pocket. I’ve never been given a gift by a guy before. It’s sweet.

  “Can we go inside now?” he asks.

  I shake my head. My father has given my strict rules not to be around Mischa. The housekeeper is inside and she will report to my father if I bring a guy inside. He motions to a Ducati bike parked in the driveway. I’ve never been on a bike before, but I may as well cross it off my bucket list. He hands me a small helmet and I put it on before climbing behind Mischa and grabbing on tight.

  “What happened to your car?”

  “I sold it.”

  “Why?” I ask.

  “I thought I’d take you to my home,” he says, pretending not to hear me. We take off down the driveway and onto the main road. Fear takes over, but it’s quickly washed away by excitement.

  “To your place?” I laugh, but when I notice he’s not joking I grab him tighter. “You’re serious?”

  “Yeah, Violet’s working so it’s safe.”

  We don’t say much else because it’s getting harder to hear.

  He pulls up to the house, which looks smaller and slightly more run down. It doesn’t look like anyone has mowed it this summer and weeds are popping up around the flowerbeds. Leaves from last fall still litter the corners of the yard.

  “Be quiet. Mom’s home, but I don’t want her to know you’re here.”

  I pull away from him, suspicious as to why we have to sneak around. “Why not?”

  “You know how she is. She won’t stop talking. I’d rather have you all to myself tonight.”

  He leans across the seat and presses his forehead against mine. “Me and you tonight. Like we’ve been waiting for.”

  Sneaking in the house is easy. We’ve done it dozens of times before, mainly through the window, but as I creep through the hall, his Mom calls out from the living room.

  “Mischa, is that you?”

  “Yeah.” He stills, probably praying she doesn’t come closer.

  “Is Kate with you?”

  I stop. Kate? I didn’t think they were serious, but she’s met his mom? Because of her condition, Mischa doesn’t introduce his mom to just anyone.

  “Just me, Mom!”

  He tries to lead me into the bedroom, but I keep my feet dug into the carpet. “How serious are you and Kate?”

  “I can explain. Please come to my room so we can talk.”

  Against my better judgment, I follow him in. As soon as the door is closed, I glare at him, the overwhelming truth coming to light.

  “Tell me the truth. Are you and Kate together or not?”

  Mischa leans against the door, head up. “Together.”

  “She’s met your mom?”

  He moves a little closer, but I back away. “Don’t touch me. You’ve been using me.”

  “I care about you, Cody, but I can’t leave Kate. It isn’t that easy.”

  “Why not? What’s so special about Kate, huh? You date her, take her out, let her meet your parents.”

  I move closer, letting all the rage out. He’d hurt me once before, and I was about to let him do it a second time. “Tell me what is so special about Kate?”

  Mischa grabs me by the shoulders. I try and pull away, but his strong grip overpowers me. He forces my face into his shoulder and his arms wrap around me. “We’ve been together for a long time now. I can’t just drop everything because you come back into town.”

  I wiggle out of his grip. Any hope I thought I might have had fades away. “This is over.”

  “It’s not over.” This time his lips press against mine with so much force I can’t pull away.

  “Get off me!” I cry out, prying my lips away from his. “You’re never gonna love me, are you? I’m never going to be enough for you.”

  “Cody,” he murmurs against me. “Why can’t we just enjoy this summer?”

  I still feel betrayed, although he never made me any promises.

  “But it doesn’t have to be like that,” I insist. Here I am, taking up for him once again, but I believe in him. I know he can do so much more.

  “You expect too much from me. Kate expects nothing. She works a nine-to-five job and won’t ever be anything more. What are you going to school for?”

  “It doesn’t matter.” I turn away from him, but he pulls my arm so I’m facing him again.

  “How far away is your school? Who is your father? Who is my father?”

  “I don’t care about any of that!” I cry out. “I’d give up school for you.”

  His eyes are glazed over as he gets right up in my face. “I don’t want you to give up yourself or your dreams, especially not for me.”

  That’s when I realize it’s not about me, it’s about him. It’s about him not wanting me. It’s about him always feeling inferior to me.

  “You lazy bastard. You gave up on us before we even had a chance.” I walk from the room, making sure to slam the door behind me. I turn to see Violet in the hallway, obviously eavesdropping.

  “Cody,” she says.

  “Violet.”

  There’s coldness in her eyes I’ve never seen before. She looks behind me at the door. “What’s going on with you and Mischa? Wait, forget I asked. I don’t want to know.”

  “I’m sorry, Violet.”

  She tugs at the visor in her hand. She must have just gotten off from work. Ice cream is splattered all over the front of her shirt. Violet was never a working girl, and seeing her so vulnerable right now makes me think that maybe I’d misjudged her.

  “I wanted to tell you about this.” She motions to her uniform. “I guess I was embarrassed.”

  “No,” I say quickly. “I think it’s great you’ve got a job.”

  “What do you know? You’ve never worked a day in your life.” There’s that usual Violet spitfire.

  “Hey, I work hard at different things.”

  “That’s right. Playing sports, perfecting your transcripts for tha
t perfect school.” She pauses for a second. “Sleeping with my brother.” She opens the door to her bedroom and I follow after her.

  “Wait a minute! Don’t you think you’re overreacting about this thing with Mischa? You aren’t perfect either.”

  “We were supposed to be friends.” She takes a deep breath. “Things are never going to be the same, are they?”

  This night is filled with enough pain, but I know in my heart we can’t get back to where we were.

  “No, I don’t think so. Sometimes people grow apart.”

  She gives a dry laugh. “I was afraid of that. I used to think you were different. I used to see Cody Lombardi at school and think you had it all, but you are just like everyone else. In love with Mischa and willing to use me to get closer to him.”

  “It wasn’t like that!”

  Violet’s door swings open and her mom stumbles in, her brown hair in her eyes.

  “What in the hell is going on in here, you little idiots?” she yells. She falls against the dresser and points at Violet. “You’re making too much damn noise, and you’re gonna wake the baby.”

  “Baby?” I whisper. Whose baby? Mischa? Violet? Their mom?

  Violet pulls some clean clothes out of her closet, before turning to her mother and yelling. “Get the fuck out of here, Mom! Go!”

  Mischa steps in behind his Mom with an unopened bottle of vodka. “Here, Mom. Go lie down.” He shoves it against her chest.

  She grabs the bottle and curls it against her chest like a baby. She smiles at her eldest son. “Thanks, boy.” Her words are slurred and she pats his face as she leaves the room. Mischa doesn’t look at her; his eyes stay focused on me.

  “Will somebody please explain what’s going on here,” I demand. The word baby is still resonating through my brain.

  “My mom had a baby a few months ago,” Violet explains. “My dad is in jail. My mom is a crazy drunk. I work my butt off after school so we can keep the house. So, yes. We are officially white trash. Just so you know.”

  Things were never perfect with Violet’s family, but I understand a part of why she’s mad at me now. I wasn’t here during the worst time of her life.

  “You’re not white trash.”

  Mischa steps in front of his sister. “But we are, Cody. We’re not the same and no amount of pretending is gonna change that.” His face darkens into something unimaginable and suddenly I just don’t have the strength to defend him anymore. It hurt when I left Violet behind, but we were never all that close. Our friendship was all fun and games, full of hot guys and parties. It should be easy to leave the Cromwells alone, but it’s hard work.

  Mischa puts a hand around his sister. “Don’t blame Cody for this. I pursued her. It was my fault. ”

  Violet leans into her brother’s arms and begins to cry. It would be so much easier to hate Mischa if he didn’t keep on doing sweet things like this. Saving me, taking care of his family, it makes me forget all the bad stuff.

  “I should go,” I tell them before I lose my nerve.

  “Let me take you home,” Mischa says, still holding his sister.

  Being alone with him will only make things worse. I need to make a clean break. “No, you guys have some things to work out. For what it’s worth, Violet. I really am sorry.”

  I don’t look back and keep walking through the front door. This part of town is more rundown than my neighborhood. Dogs barking, car alarms in the distance, all the sounds that make the perfect soundtrack to a kidnapping. The numbers in my phone are limited, and I’d rather walk home than call my dad. At the top of my contacts list is the one number I shouldn’t call. The one number that pains my heart every time I look at it. I can’t call Killian, so I dial information and get a number for a taxi service. When I find out the wait is thirty minutes, I hang up and decide to walk. After a block, I get the strangest feeling that someone is watching me, but when I turn around no one is there.

  Scared, I call Killian.

  “Hello?” He sounds out of breath, slightly frazzled, but curious. If it’s even possible to get all that from one word.

  “Killian?” Stupid question. Who else could it be?

  “Yeah, who’s this?”

  I take a slow deep breath, afraid he’ll hang up when he hears my name. “It’s Cody.”

  “Who?” he’s practically yelling now, and there’s a bit of shuffling in the background.

  “Cody.”

  Silence. “What do you want?”

  “Can you come get me?”

  His voice changes and it’s swiftly full of concern. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

  “I’m leaving—” I don’t want to say Mischa’s house. I don’t want to ever mention that name to Killian again. “—Violet’s house, and we got into a fight. “

  “You can’t ask Mischa?”

  I don’t say anything. Killian blows into the phone causing me to hold it away from my ear.

  “Fine. I’ll come get you. Where does Violet live?”

  I give him the directions to the corner I’m standing on and hang up. Occasionally a car stops, and I can feel their eyes on me as they pull away. One car even has the nerve to roll down their windows and holler. Frightened, I move from the spot toward town. I don’t get too far before a car pulls beside me. I don’t make eye contact until the window rolls down and I hear Killian’s voice.

  “Get in.”

  It’s a black Audi, the one his parents bought him after high school graduation. I open the door, still afraid to look him in the eyes.

  “Are you okay?” He turns on the air, and I fan my hot face.

  “I’m fine. Thanks for the ride. I hope I didn’t disturb you.”

  “Not really.”

  “Are you at your parents’ place?”

  “No, they’re home for the weekend so I was staying with an old buddy. Guess I gotta go home now.”

  He pulls up to my gate, but not the driveway. “Can you get in on your own?”

  “Yeah.” I move to pull the handle, but stop and turn to look at him. I can’t stand whatever this is between us. I miss him. I always miss him.

  “I’m sorry, Killian. I never meant to hurt you.” The night is just full of apologies.

  He snorts, though he doesn’t look amused. “I feel like such a fool. I really thought you were over him.”

  “I’m so stupid.” I put my hand out and squeeze his hand.

  “When you chose him over me, it hurt. Call it male pride or ego or whatever you want, but it didn’t feel too great.”

  “I’m sorry. I wish I could explain it better. Have you ever been so in love with someone that you’d do anything they asked and no matter how many signs they give you that they’re no good, you don’t listen?”

  He pulls his hand out of my grip. “You don’t know what love is, Cody. You’ve never seen real love.”

  “How do you know?” I spit out.

  “I promise you. The way Mischa treats you, that isn’t love. You’ll never be enough for him.”

  I know this. I’ve always known this, but I’ve never hated myself as much as I do right now.

  “Why are guys such jerks?”

  “Because we’re incapable of being mature. I mean, that’s why God didn’t give us nipples that squirt milk. We’d be running around all day squirting each other.”

  I crack a smile. Now that’s the Killian I know and love. “That sounded mildly gross.”

  “That’s what I’m here for.”

  He stares straight ahead and for the longest time we just sit there beside each other. I should get out, I should leave, but I can’t bring myself to.

  He inhales. “Did you sleep with him?”

  I look up at him. A piece of hair falls in front of my eyes and it shields his view of me. When he pushes the hair behind my ears, I shake my head. “But I still wish I could take it back.”

  He leans forward and kisses my forehead. “I broke up with my girlfriend for you.”

  “What?” My fing
ers dig into the leather seat. “What are you talking about?”

  “I broke up with my girlfriend. The one who was at my parents’ place the other day. I did it because when I saw you, I knew there was would be no one else who could compare to you. You were finally going to be eighteen and it wasn’t going to be so wrong for me to want you. Technically, I was going to break up with her eventually. I thought that maybe you could feel the same way.”

  “I didn’t know.” I squeeze my burning eyes shut so I don’t cry.

  “You need help, Cody. Who knows, maybe we all do. You need to get over this guy who will never love you, and I need to get over this girl who will never love me.”

  I don’t know what to say. A lump forms in the back of my throat. It blisters with an unbearable passion. Do I love Killian? No, not right now. Could I ever love him? Quite possibly.

  “I’m sorry,” I choke out. “If I only knew. Maybe we can—”

  “You felt it, but you chose to ignore it.”

  “I need time to process this!” I try to find the words to explain how I feel, but Killian is right about everything.

  “It’s too late now. I’m not sure I can forgive you. Not right now. Please get out of my car.”

  “Please.” I reach out to touch him, but he moves away. His eyes are glossed over, but the pain is written all over his face.

  “You broke my heart, and I’m trying to be a man about it so please go.”

  A hot tear falls down my cheek as I step from the car. Another tear follows and then another. He pulls away into the next driveway. I enter the code on the gate and walk up to the front door. Why am I crying so hard? Why did his words affect me so much? Killian was the only one in the world who understood me, and I hurt him with my thoughtless, careless actions.

  I was so obsessed with the possibility of Mischa, I lost what was in front of me. Killian. A year ago, I would have grabbed a bottle of liquor, a few pills, a joint, anything to numb the pain of being a screw-up. I can’t do that now. And I can’t let anything else get screwed up.

  I grab my mp3 player and go to the back deck. I drag one of the cushions to the diving board and lay down across the middle. From the pool, I have a straight view into Killian’s bedroom window. Just outside it, he’s sitting on the roof on a lawn chair that straddles the peak. From the little light provided by the windows, I see he’s got a bottle in his hand. He’s not watching the sky, he’s watching across the highway at our subdivision. I wonder if they finished the apartments yet. I can’t see from this low, but I can tell from the drink in his hands that he’s celebrating. The finish of another home for another family. Needing to hear his voice again, I dial his number on my cell.