London Bridge

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  *

  “Master,” I say to him, “things are looking bad!… Our days of peace and quiet are just about over… Nelson’s on our trail… That dressing gown of yours is not exactly helping the situation… They can spot you anywhere… it’d be a good idea to take it off…”

  “Who’s this Nelson? Never heard of him!…”

  I give him the lowdown about what a two-bit hustler he is…

  “Ah! The people you know! You keep such classy company!”

  Then I tell him all about my visit… how I found Pépé… of course I skip a few details… I give him the big picture… about how she was feeling… pretty good, actually… plus about the crowd she had over… cheery Tuhwheep! Tuhwheep! In person!… Plus my adventure! How I got out of my jam… how I’d ditched that creep!… Oh! But this wasn’t over yet!… The guy was a tough customer! A leech! Oh no, we hadn’t seen the last of him… my big news didn’t make much of an impression on Sosthène… He just took it all in with a blank look in his eyes… What was his beef with me now?… He had this look… I’d run his errand for him… the instructions, everything… and had come back right on time… he had got his damn details! The trial site… the factory… you name it! The event was set for early June… that gives us a good amount of time to play with… he could monkey around all he wanted!… Ah! I’d forgotten his pipes!… Not that he mentioned them… He just sulked at me… Finally I’d had enough…

  “Hey,” I lash out at him, “are you listening to me? I’m not talking to the walls!”

  I wanted an update on the contract. That’s what interested me.

  “Did the crank make up his mind?” I ask. “Or didn’t he? What’d he tell you? He forking over our advance or not?…”

  Still in the clouds. I give him a shake…

  “Ad… ad… advance?” he stammers.

  “That’s right, you screw-up! Our advance!”

  Wouldn’t want him to be the only one to be making a mint!…

  “But… But you don’t need anything!… You’ve got great-looking clothes! You’re got up like a prince! A lo… lord!…”

  Ah! This fairy’s a sneak! I’m sure!

  He helped himself, I could smell him a mile off!…

  I give it to him straight…

  “Sosthène, I’m going to let you in on something… Your number’s just about up… I’m repeating myself to death… Tuhwheep! Tuhwheep’s on our trail… Everybody knows who you are, you cheap, chintzy Chink! All of London knows you! Wait till Nelson blows in with his gang of jokers! You’ll feel sorry then! I’m just letting you know!… I’m sort of familiar with what these people are all about! Still wet behind the ears though I may be! It’s a bad situation, master, a disaster! It looks like no big deal… I don’t want to work you all up, but you might land in jail… I feel it in my bones!”

  I’m the tough guy now.

  “Jail?… Jail?…”

  Ah! That knocked the wind out of him… Ah! The words that come out of my mouth! “Jail” woke him up… pisses him off, he insults me… says I want to hand him over to the most bloodthirsty cut-throats! That’s the sort of person I am!… And I’m jeopardizing him on purpose… I’m the mastermind behind his kidnapping…

  “How am I mixed up with that kind of scum, just tell me? Let me hear it! You little smart-ass! Come on! Spell it out for me, why don’t you!”

  “You mean me, dear sir? You mean, how come I know them? A conspiracy of fate! The war!… the horrors… the quick getaways… the dreadful circumstances!… Ah! If only I could be someplace else!… In hell! Yes, that’s right, in hell!”

  Why pull any punches, after all… I’ve got my own problems! And a whole lot worse!

  “You’d promised me China, Sosthène! Tibet, mister! The Sunda Islands!… Marvellous and magical plants! What happened to it all? Huh? I’m asking you now… Shaam! Shaam! Shaam! And Tam Shaam! Hot air! A bunch of bull!”

  I was rubbing his nose in his lies!… He had shit on his face, real embarrassed, sniggering, half-laughing… But the look I shot him meant business… I was going to do something violent again… with just a single hand I was choking him… my left… his duck’s neck… Dishonesty can knock the sense out of you!… And from a Chinaman of his sort! It makes you fly off the handle… now he’s back chuckling… I completely lose it! Twist away!

  Ah! Wonder of wonders! Right then a brightening glow floods us, hits my eyes, dazzles me… fills my head… my heart!… A glow… a rising sun!… We were in the vestibule, right in front of the dining room… I was waiting for the dinner gong… It was her!… Right there before me!… Yes, her!… Her divine smile!… She had just walked into the room… I hadn’t noticed her… Magic! I adore her!… Ah! I’m trembling! She’s just walked in!… My Virginia!… My heart’s beating harder! Harder!… It’s her… In all her glory! Her adorable little face!… I stammer, stutter!… Don’t know what I’m doing any more… just stand there shaking!… Shaking from fear under her gaze… What eyes! Heaven itself!… Tiles from the vault of heaven… I’m lost, dazed and confused… No! The glint in her eyes!… Ah! What if I lost her for just one single day!… I’m afraid to risk it, any way any how… I’d like to give the whole world a kiss! Including Sosthène! Him too! Out of joy! Over the miracle! All my anger’s out the window, gone poof under her spell… all my nasty digs!… I’m cured, juiced up, in seventh heaven! I’m dancing, hopping around… can’t feel my trepan hole any more, the pain in my head… Just allow me another look at her, my treasure… Ah! A good thing she came back… I was about to commit another crime… Saved by her smile, her little sugarpuss… My guardian angel, my adored darling… her pleated plaid dress… her pretty thighs… such quivering muscles down there… firm, pink, matt…

  Oh, my God! what’s happening now?… “Dinner time! Dinner time!” I was looking at her legs… They’re just too fantastic, beyond fantastic… She’s sculpted in light, pink, fresh and insolent… And if she ever tries running away! I’ll reach out and grab her! Ah! I’ll have to catch her… right around her knees… that’s where I’ll close my fist, give her just a tiny little nibble… Oh! Such things I’m planning!

  “Come on! Chow time!” The other one’s prodding me! Mr No Manners… He’s exultant, wriggling around… he had a pretty good scare a minute back! Saw my nasty side… Now that’s all in the past! The gong sounds! Here we go again, back to pigging out, stuffing our faces till we’re ready to explode… What a miserable mess! I shouldn’t ever eat again!… I should live on her light alone, the beauty of my adorable love… that goes without saying… on the halo of her hair… I loved her too much…

  “Come on, let’s go!”

  Talk about being in a hurry! Even the girl thinks I’m a slowpoke… she too wants to get to the table… And I who adore her light, just standing there paralysed in admiration… She smiles at me… I gaze upon my goddess… She swishes ahead of me…

  “Let’s go! Get moving!” she says…

  “Do you want to eat everything ice-cold? Don’t you want any soup?”

  That’s Sosthène, his heartfelt cry… Ah! The villain!

  Ah! To live on nothing but kindness… burning love… illumination… Maybe just one piece of fruit… her kiss… or on one small word at mealtime!… That’s all!… With a darling delicacy!… Let her come out and tell me now, “I love you!”… But she’s too young, too sensitive!… Ah! The swine, that ugly snout of his… he’s shoving me!…

  “Time to eat! Time to eat! The Colonel’s waiting for you!…”

  He leaps ahead, dives forward… pounces on the tablecloth, on the dishes… Digs right in… springs on the artichokes…

  “I’m a vegetarian,” he blurts out, fooling around of course…

  He chomps down like a jackass with every tooth in his mouth… making a racket… gnawing down three heads one after the other… And then he digs into the ham… just like that, with his hands… Tears right into it! An ogre!… And amazingly, he’s not big as a house!… He’s a sk
inny thing, a twig… But you should see those jaws in action!… A scrawny ogre with a bottomless gut!… A hurricane on the hors d’oeuvres… The way he eats would make your face go red… He’s making me so ashamed I don’t even dare look at Virginia any more… He pours himself some claret… the Colonel says grace… their personal way of praying… Sosthène drops his eyes… communes with himself like when he’s chewing something soft… “ever and ever”… their “Our Father”…

  *

  Even so, after this big blowout, instead of falling asleep, and the guy was all tuckered out too, still I kept him from dozing off, really hauled him over the coals something fierce… he sort of obeyed me… he lit into the Colonel, who also had a full belly, nodding gently, burping… saying that this couldn’t go on any longer, a decision had to be made… with both of us there working on the masks, part of the family in a way, we should be sleeping in the workshop… and no beating around the bush!… This bright idea of catching our forty winks in town was one huge waste of time!… It took away from our research! The Colonel had to take all this into consideration!… Sure, we had the living room, but that was a makeshift deal… snoozing on the sofas… that was OK for two-three days… but sleeping in the laboratory, now there was a real solution… always on the job, so to speak! We wouldn’t need much… just a few cushions, a straw mat… Ah! Now I thought he had a stroke of inspiration there!… Gutsy, when you came down to it… but what if the other character took it wrong… told us to fuck off?… No way!… He welcomes the idea with open arms… Oh! Such a terrific brainstorm!… It enchants him… He’s tickled to death… “Yes! Yes! Certainly!…” And signals the servants!… For them to put us up… settle us in… and do a much better job than in the living room! We scurry along, climb stairs, here we are on the third floor… A splendid bedroom with two beds… Excuse me let me rephrase that… The lap of luxury!… Silk everywhere!… Brocaded curtains!… Gigantic eiderdowns!… Double carpets… just incredible!… In the same house as my idol!… Ah! What fantastic luck! Under her very own roof!… My sweetheart!… My dream! It boggles my mind!… It’s impossible!… Both of us reach out… run our fingers over… it’s real, all right… not some fake scenery!… And heated, cushy-comfy, the works… Hell, yes! And what a spread, what eats, what a first-rate production! They do give a shit about us!

  “Hey!” I shout over to Sosthène. “Don’t you think this here is our magic plant?… We’ve already got where we’re going?… Seriously, I mean…”

  He sits down… doesn’t answer a word!… Gives the mattress a bounce… a perfect spring… a wool blanket so soft it’s unbelievable… total comfort… Ah! It really gets to you! You just sink into the surroundings… His heart’s melting, I can tell… He nods gently, leans forward, with a faraway look… his eyes well… one tear runs down… he keeps glancing out the window…

  “What’s wrong with you?…” I go. “What’s wrong? Don’t you like it here?…”

  He’s overwhelmed… more than he can bear… He’s all choked up…

  “My poor boy!… My poor boy!…”

  He sobs, dissolves in tears.

  “What’s the problem, man? What’s the problem?…”

  He’s worrying me.

  “I can’t tell you… I just can’t!…”

  “Can too!… Can too! Give it a try!”

  “We’re at a dead end, my poor child!… A dead end!…”

  A dead end?… That’s all I can catch from his words…

  “Why?… Why a dead end?…”

  I want specifics!…

  He’s collapsed, crumbling, he’s lost all his nerve, he’s a wreck!… He sits there, an empty shell, lost in a dream… Then he starts back up with his sob story…

  “My puh… puhoor child!… We… We don’t know where we’re going!” Give me a break! With that he splutters, blubbers, shakes so hard he’s rattling the whole bed, the posts and frame are clattering… He’s falling apart, a miserable mess… Ah! Well isn’t this just great!… He doesn’t know where we’re going any more! Just terrific! Wonderful!…

  “Tibet’s where we’re headed, Pops!… Tibet! Where else?… We’ve said so a hundred times!… Now we’ve got it good!… As soon as we pocket that little allowance! That goddamn advance! We beat it the hell out of here!”

  I was wired.

  “Oh! Oh! My child!… Oh! My child!… If only you knew!” That’s all he can say… If only you knew!…

  “Only knew what?”

  He crumbles back into hot tears!… His heart broken beyond repair. He gets up. Throws himself around my neck… kisses me… drenches me in his tears!… I play along…

  “The masks!… The ma… masks, my child!…”

  Ah! Now we have it! The masks! That’s the snag! Ah! Just as I suspected… He moans… sniffles… sobs…

  “So what about the masks?”

  “Not up to snuff, my boy!… Not up to snuff!”

  “But you’ll get there!…” I reassure him… “You’ve still got lots of time!… Almost a whole month ahead of you!…”

  He starts sniffling harder than ever!… I didn’t reassure him… We’re in a real jam!… He’s chickening out, throwing in the towel!… My Tibet’s gone and forgotten!… The plans, mysteries – into the drink… He won’t hear any more about them… Curtains on the big act! The stinking stooge’s shitting in his pants! No more talk about running off!… Got to come up with a new angle! But the cops are going to turn up in full force! That’s what’s in store for us!… I can feel it! I give us less than a month! Here in a flash!

  “And so? So?…” I blister him… “So you’re dropping it right here!… What good’s bawling going to do you?… You’re going to go see the Colonel! Because I understand the man! Go over and tell him off right in the middle of his work! His endeavours! Cranks are bad news! They’re capable of anything!… Man, oh man! You better believe it! Off to court!… Watch and see how he starts bitching and moaning!… Ah! You’ll have brought this on yourself! He won’t think twice!”

  I don’t show him any mercy… I rub his face in his disgrace…

  “I don’t know if I’ll be able to, Ferdinand!…”

  “Able to do what?…”

  “Put it on!… Put it on!…”

  He shows me the mask on his head. He goes through the motions, the whole production… He’s convulsed with fear, clacking his teeth, a big song and dance… in the throes of an honest-to-goodness breakdown, scared shitless… going to pieces, his eyes rolling back in his skull, locked white… he sits back down… Ah! A sorry sight…

  “Bu… Bu… Bu…” His hands latch onto me… he’s drowning, giving up the ghost at the mere mention of the experiments.

  I push him back down on the bed, prop him up with a big bolster…

  “OK, man! You shouldn’t call it quits… There’s still time!… A solid month!”

  I’m trying to get him to stop shaking…

  “There’s still time…” I insist… and then I laugh at the feather mask… how very becoming it is…

  “Isn’t all this gear great… isn’t this great shit? A great discovery?”

  I sort of fish for info… couldn’t say myself… I ask questions.

  “Yes, it is!… It is!… I think so!… Maybe…”

  Not exactly enthusiastic…

  He’s getting cold feet again… Really not convinced!… He asks me what I think myself… Now isn’t that a killer!

  “Do you think the Colonel’s an oddball too?…”

  “An oddball?… An oddball?… Depends on the day!… Inventors are always oddballs! If you’d have met des Pereires* you’d know for yourself! But look at us, you’re telling me we’re normal?”

  I want him to laugh, to realize… that it’s really no big deal… that his mind was playing tricks on him… he had a sick spell… which was going to pass…

  I tell him: “Come on now! You’re running yourself down!… You’re not yourself any more… you’re tearing yourself apart inside!…
And the fact is you don’t have a single good reason!… You didn’t even read the directions… You’re working yourself up over nothing… Take a look! Get the info first! Take a look!”

  I show him the flyer, the note… Spell out the words… we look at it together… He wouldn’t understand anything on his own… He’s thick as a brick when it comes to English… The contest rules are clearly set out… Pretty strict, must say!… “Each inventor at the same time wearing his respective gas mask, in a single blockhouse, two gas canisters in a row! Arsines, followed by the mystery gas… on 8th July at 9.00 a.m. sharp at the Wickman, Kers and Strong plants… Upper Bethnal Green.” On the following day two more gases, another round of trials, two minutes each. The entire proceedings under official supervision, with “the blockhouse hermetically sealed in armour plating” – these last words underlined, no less. And then the panel of judges: an admiral, two generals, three engineers, two doctors, three chemists, a veterinarian. Really quite a serious business…

  The programme seemed planned down to the last detail. The range of premiums and prizes. In case of slight asphyxiation, a small premium of twenty-five pounds. In cases of rather grave illness, forty pounds fifty. In cases of death, one hundred pounds for the widow, thirty for each orphan… but as for the inventor who sails through with flying colours, winning every single trial, well, what treats were in store for him!… What great glory, millions! Shitloads!… A huge immediate order!… One hundred thousand masks a month!… Who needs Tibet any more!… A terrific grand prize! An out-of-this-world jackpot!…

  I tried firing him up over that…

  “Ah! You see! Take a look! This is big-time stuff… Learn a few things!… Get a move on!”