London Bridge

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  I’m having some fun. I show her the choppers…

  “Don’t find teeth every day in such great shape, Jesus no! Ah! I know my corpses! I’ve seen hundreds! thousands! They’re my special hobby! Achille’s a big shot, you know! He’s a big shot! You can see that right off… he’s a VIP!… And such a handsome devil with those big peepers of his! Just get a load of them!”

  Huge holes, no kidding. Genuine chasms that once were his eyes… and the bony parts, spick and span! Actually bright and shiny… under his tricorne, his bone dome’s gleaming… sort of like the Colonel’s, but yellow, bright lemon… the embroidery work’s moth-eaten… but nothing that can’t be fixed…

  “Ah! About time I got here! When I think you were going to give it away!…”

  Ah! I worked fast… the string… quickly… one knot here… one there… nobody’d notice me in the street… it looked like a sort of large flat basket… but awkward to lug around… how happy the Colonel’d be! I could see him even now! Maybe he’d deck it out in his uniform… he liked fancy drag… Maybe he’d stick on his big mask?… His sort were capable of anything… Ah! How delighted I was going to make the pair of them! What a nice new toy, my little pet!

  “Goodbye, Madame. Take care of yourself!”

  I hoist the basket onto my shoulder. Up and off we go!

  She throws herself around my neck, pleads with me.

  “Don’t be mean, boy! Don’t be mean!”

  She whines in English…

  “Don’t be so awful! I’ll tell you everything! You’ll get your book!”

  A fine idea! A meeting of the minds! Ah! Now she’s talking sensible!

  “That’s right, honey bun! Go get it for me!”

  I kept my clutches on my prey, ready to make a trade, or forget it… it’d be better for us to work something out… And so what if she were going to raise hell!… Chase me down into the street! hysterical! Since her mummy was so important to her!… At least I’d bring back the Vega…

  She zips off, dashes into the kitchen. I hear her knocking around the pots and pans… Ah! So that was her hiding place… I ought to have looked there a long time ago!… She pops right back… Oh brother, what a whopper!… Heavy as two big Britannicas… She has a hell of a time lugging it over… It’s heavier than the straw man, even with his weapons, his wig! I crack open the mysterious book somewhere in the middle… to make sure there’s no funny business!… It’s the Vega, all right, no mistake… I recognize the fancy decorations… plus the label Vega in Verse in flaming letters… the crocodile insets… mammoth binding… worth a bundle to be sure if only pound for pound, plus the pictures… all hand-drawn illustrations… a superb job… She was gawking through the pages along with me… like she’d never seen it before… warriors on horseback… tiger hunts, manhunts… watercolours in two-page spreads… gold and blue elephants… winged dragons… a Barbary ape etched in mother-of-pearl relief… chimeras in flames and dancing girls!… More dances, dances galore!… Bayadères and young boys… bright double-page pastels… Incredibly fragile!… An entire ballet in miniature… Flying through the air… delicately intricate flourishes with a fly’s ball’s eye for detail! Really mind-boggling to see every speck of dust and ass hair in place… and then more ballerinas, the “swallow” variety… sea monsters breathing fire… a gigantic one-of-a-kind piece of work… plus this entire text in hieroglyphics highlighted with gold and red illustrations… plus more figurines, lizards, sunflowers, tulips… weaving around huge parades of trooping devils with corkscrew tails… on the flip side another dance of two three-headed monsters writhing around… page after page after page of masks… all the spell-casting grimaces…

  “Well well, my darling, quite a show, huh?”

  “I never looked very closely at it before.”

  It’s true, it was eye-dazzling… it wasn’t beautiful but it was rich… made your head dance, go blurry, it bewitched you, that’s a fact!

  “Say, kid, leave it with me!”

  Here she goes with her second thoughts! Ah! It’s a crying shame! She yanks it out of my hands, clutches it to her body… It’s downright stinking dishonest! It was all agreed I’d be taking it! She offers me Achille Norbert again…

  “Ah! You really don’t know what you want!”

  “Take him! Take him! Leave me the Vega!”

  She begs me, turns the faucets back on… Just like a woman… I stand my ground, I keep the book… don’t give a damn about her blubbering… Doesn’t she want to sell it to me? If it was for me she’d sell… She must have a collector in mind…

  “What will you do with it?” I ask.

  Button-lipped. And what about the other fellow there, Achille in his breeches, maybe she wants to sell him too? Maybe Nelson’s mixed up in this deal? Ah! Very possible… They’re capable of anything…

  “And what about Achille here, what will you do with him?”

  She simpers, back to her smarty-pants act.

  “Out with it, you tramp, what’ve you got in mind?”

  If they take the mummy to the public market over on Petticoat, it’ll make the papers for sure… and then one thing will lead to another… Ah! The bitch’s got big ideas!

  “Give me a little hint what you’re cooking up!”

  I’ve had it! I want to get this over with! I grab her by the throat… she giggles, thinks I’m fooling around…

  “Will you talk, you pain in the ass!”

  Ah! The rough stuff turns her on… She wants me to fool around with her a bit…

  “He’s going to fix him up with a new pair of eyes! Electric-light-bulb eyes! There, now you know, happy? Give me a kiss, you nosy little boy…”

  I don’t quite get it.

  “What kind of eyes? Achille?”

  “Eyes that light up, dumb shit! For his number!”

  Ah! I’m slow to catch on!

  “Where’s he going to do his number?”

  “Oh, this sort of thing’s been going on for ever, you stupid slob! Were you born yesterday?”

  She gives me the lowdown on how they were going to work the gimmick… There was this guy in Vancouver who collected everything he wanted, a skeleton just like Achille, but in pharaoh drag… the catch is that it’s bogus, a phoney… plaster bones, fake costume, you name it!… The mummy’d come out with pronouncements about the present, the future, through this gramophone in his belly, a super-ventriloquist… plus the eyeballs: flashing blue, red, depending on the answer… “The Fun of the Past” it was called… But now Achille was another story! With his papers, costume, the works, absolutely authentic! Irrefutable! Nobility, jewels… Americans were tired of cheap fakes… Sosthène would have got this off the ground if he’d had a little time… but he was always on the move… starting everything, finishing nothing… he’d only got as far as the sign… she goes to the kitchen… comes back and shows me…

  Hercule Achille de Rodiencourt

  Commander in Chief of the King’s Artillery

  Marshal of France

  Marquis of Apremont

  Seneschal of Épône

  Commander of the Order of the Cross of Saint-Louis

  In short, it was a cinch. Nelson showed up just at the right time, he was hauling in a treasure, it would make a magnificent sideshow attraction, that I realized, with its blazing eyes, the record player, the voice from the next life, the laughter from beyond the grave… she gave me her rendition of the laugh… it was all worked out… Couldn’t help but feel glad, one terrific set-up… yet even so while filling me in she feels a prick of doubt… wonders whether it wouldn’t be for the best if she took the book back, all things considered! Ah! Such brass! Ah! Damn! Ah! Enough already! I’m as patient as a man can be but there are limits! I’ve got the Vegas and I’m keeping them!

  “Sosthène’s asking for them, they’re his! It’s understandable! Anyway, I’ll tell you what, this is the best I can do – if he wants, he’ll trade with you! As for me I’m getting the hell out of here! So long!”


  No lies or tough talk…

  “Got to go, Pépé! Goodbye! Stay cool!”

  I race back down the two flights with my load under my arm. She didn’t have a chance to get out a peep, I’d already put some distance between us! Up onto the bus! Change to another! I’m really moving! Chug down a stretch, I’m back! Ah! I get in, drenched in sweat…

  The old clown was watching for me at the window.

  “You have it? You have it?” Waving his arms around… couldn’t he see my package? Too small for him, or what?

  “Bring it up right away! Watch out! Don’t let anybody lay a finger on it! Hide it under the bed.”

  Right off the bat he starts with the orders! I’ll shut his trap for him.

  “Hey, you clown, show some manners! Better be a little careful who you’re talking to!…”

  Always need to put him in his place!

  “Maybe you’d like to hear some news?”

  He didn’t ask for any.

  “Well, sir, this is hot off the press! You can hop to it! Hurry on over and fetch your darling little girl! It’s high time! Right this second she’s walking away with Achille!… Or rather she’s going to put him to work! With Nelson no less! That very Nelson I was telling you about the other day… you know, the one you weren’t afraid of! They’re going to rig him out for the fairs, a tell-the-future robot… lamps for eyes, the works… phonograph in his belly… the future, the stars… were you in the know? It was your own personal plan, so I hear… plus the sign… they’ve already got their contract… all the big fairs throughout the Midwest… plus, they simply adore each other! A new life! Which is what she wanted me to tell you all along, plus a load of other stuff. I think they’re taking the kid along… he’s part of the act… you know, the little milkman…”

  Ah! Now this really is new news! I keep watching his kisser…

  “Pretty interesting, don’t you think?”

  He doesn’t bat an eye, buries himself in the book, sticks his nose way in, starts coughing… Got to start over again from the top, Christ Almighty!

  “They’re going to make him sing, I’m telling you… Make the most incredible crap come out of his mouth… He’s going to make America laugh! ‘The Fun of the Past’, that’s what it’s called… How about that! Original!”

  He still refuses to answer me.

  “She’s going to start her life over,” I yell at him, “and Pépé’s message to you is go to hell!”

  He couldn’t give a damn! I’d put him through hell! Ah! I lay it on a little thicker, off the top of my head, make it up as I go along…

  “Shush! Shush! That’s enough, you whippersnapper! You do pick great times!”

  My timing’s wrong, that’s the only reason he’s miffed!

  “Go on! Go on! So take the book upstairs!”

  “Take it up yourself, you big wimp, it shouldn’t be too much of a strain!…”

  If I don’t put my foot down, he’ll have me polishing his shoes!

  Pépé was right… he flips his wig over petty crap… And the guy can grate on you something awful… I’d seen him in action ever since we arrived, he’d changed from top to bottom… All because of the atmosphere around there, the servants, the rugs, the bells, all the fancy-shmancy… He’d forgotten how to piss. Even his screwed-up woman back here, with her temple, her opals, her madly-in-love maharajas – where’d she pick up those loony fantasies of hers? Doesn’t take much to get your head all hot and spinning, like a compass out of whack… A small compliment, an itsy-bitsy breeze, and watch out, oh man, you set sail!

  Cast off! Hold tight! No stopping now!

  *

  You could hear them hammering away, it sounded like they were trashing everything… Sosthène and the Colonel must have been letting loose on their masks, calibrating them with stupendous might… an incredible clash-clanging… an earth-shaking racket… really a din so awful it couldn’t be for real… Even so it scared the hell out of me… Jumping into my clothes, I race down, reach the salon. The girl was there, right near the piano, my adorable darling, even cuter than the day before… Ah! She’s so beautiful! Such an angel! I can’t think of anything else… I can’t hear the ruckus any more… Can’t hear anything but her… nothing but her pretty words… “Good morning, sir!…” Ah! I can still see her now… her short yellow dress in Liberty fabric… a daffodil, a corolla… so shorty short… her legs, her thighs… that mocking face… her eyes… plus she’s frisky as ever… slippery… always on the move… Ah! The little minx!

  I can breathe!… No, I can’t!… At the mere sight of her… forget how to breathe… Ah! This is too much!… I love her too much right away… I’m not myself any more!… I give out! No! I bounce back to life!… My eyes are playing tricks on me… Ah! Her hair! A golden glow! A feast! Blond, the feast of her hair… Blond her curls!… Blond my joy!… Blond my prayer!… Blond at play!… Blond my fairy!… Blond, and how!… Ah! How I love her!… Ah! My mind goes blank!… I just stand there in front of her!… It’s me!… Yes, it’s me!… Ah! I’m so happy by her side!… Dazzled! I pull myself out of it! Cling to the piano!… I’d like to kiss her, touch her thighs… In a flash I blot out the whole world!… Nothing left but her beautiful eyes, her laugh… She’s in fits over me, oh Jeez… my galoot look… I’m red-faced myself, what a warrior! Who doesn’t know which way to turn… I’m going to bark with happiness!… The blondness! The gold of her hair!… Her beautiful, sky-blue eyes!… Here we go again!… Her smile! Ah! worries, wounds, gloomy thoughts, they all vanish! Into thin air! Up and away! With the miracle of her hair! At this very instant dimming, disappearing! Blondness! Blondness! Shimmers… I’m beside myself with joy!… In marvels of delight!… Never mind! Never mind! I’ll take a stab! I flutter all around her! A feather! Lighter than air! Pirouetting! All around my idol!… How happy I am! And then, plop! I collapse at her feet… in doggy delight!… I want to lick her all over, I lap! Spring around again, gambolling! Yipping!… taking a little nibble at her fingers… her fingers of light… Grrrrr!… Grrrr!. I growl!… Roar in sheer pleasure!… She’s laughing!… Laughing!… What a good time she’s having!… I totally lose my mind, somersaulting like crazy, leaping, darting around, galloping again around the furniture, along the rugs! All goofy because I love her so much… I slam smack into the big armchair, the enormous one… ricochet high into the air, glide! A bird I am now soaring along! Kerboom, I crash! Spread-eagled… smashing everything! What a racket! I give her a laugh, she’s wriggling, giggling, my angel… going to pee her panties I’m such a riot!… I can see her behind through them… taut, wriggling… she’s laughing, laughing… never mind, I adore her!… Her laughter peals… how cruel she is!… I love her anyway, and ten times more than that!… I can see all her thighs, I roll around on the floor… I can see her behind!… My knees hurt so bad… I feel like I’ve been shot!… That makes the heartless girl laugh… she laughs at everything! Merciless! Go ahead, laugh! Laugh! Little bitch!… I’m going to gobble your thighs! I can’t hold back any more! I roll around at her feet… I kiss her little shoes… the tips… and then her socks… and then her leg, the taut flesh down there so pink and tanned… her muscles laughing too, quivering… the downy blush of life… ah! Laugh, laugh, little girl! My goddess! I’m going to sink my teeth in you raw!… You just watch me! A spring of vibrant happiness gushes from her laugh… spurts cascades in the air all around us!… Ah! I’m a dog down to my bones now!… Ah! How I adore her!… She pats the top of my head!… She calms me down so nicely… her hand runs through my hair!… Ah! I want to die on the spot for her!… My fever flares back up!… I don’t ever want to leave her!… I growl!… I roar even louder… she pats me… sort of brushes back my mane!… She’s poking fun a little… impish darling!… What an angel… what kindness on her part… I want to howl in adoration… roar like a lion full of love!… I’m shaking in fervour… in fright!… Afraid she’ll leave me alone an instant… her gentle hand sets me at ease.

  �
��What is your name?” she asks.

  “Ferdinand.”

  She gets a kick out of me.

  My whole life for her!… My whole death!… Everything she wants and more!… I kiss her knees… the fabric of her dress!… She sort of pushes me away… Ah! What sorrow!… What heartbreak!… I apologize… then start over again! I lift her whole skirt up real high! I bite right into her bare thighs!… Myum! Myum! Myum!… I could eat her all up!… Devour her!… Raw and right now!… I adore her too much!…

  She pushes me away… all ready to laugh… but I’m too rough. How old can she be, when you get down to it? Around twelve or thirteen… Ah! What a pig I am!

  “So, don’t you have anything to do?”

  “Oh, yes, lots! Listen to me… I beg you! Don’t laugh!… I love you!…”

  “Stop it now! Don’t be silly! What if the servants… if my uncle spotted you?… You don’t know my uncle!”

  Hands off! Hands off! She’s used to being pawed. She’s not raising that much of a squawk… Ah! Say now, wait a minute! Just wait! Ah! Come to think of it! There must be others who paw her! My suspicions flare up… I’m burning with doubt… ripped to pieces…

  “Does your uncle do that to you too? Does he, huh?”

  I grab her thighs again, finger them hard, pinch them… she’s got to come clean… I’m gasping… with anger… I’ve stopped breathing, I’m hurting myself… Ah! How blind! What a chump! Thick as a brick! And I didn’t have an inkling!

  “He loves you, doesn’t he? He also kisses you the way I do?”

  I want to kiss her on the mouth, she dodges me at every turn, wriggling around… I want to know the whole story! Every last detail!… I grab her, hold her tight… she’s laughing… laughing… Come on! The details! And I don’t mean tomorrow!… Must say I’m working myself up with all this carrying on… plus I’m so unhappy… everything comes at once! Enough to put you six feet under!… I’m ready to take off the kid gloves… start beating her! I want to find out everything, every single detail!… I kiss her… Oh! The monster! Her uncle’s a shifty two-face, you can bet your life on that! A dirty old man, a hypocrite! With his masks and his dumb blah-blah-blah! He’s a monster, he’s got to pack his bags and scram! Either him or me! One or the other! End of discussion! I don’t have any time to lose! I can’t wait! I’m sincere, simple as that! And I’m suffering!