London Bridge

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  “That can wait!” he remarks. “You’re always ready to spend money!…” OK, damn it, OK, three raps! He opens with a few warm-up moves… we run through the whole devil number again… the seduction… the serenade… the showering rhythm… Ah! He’s really hitting his stride… he sways, shimmies his rump… casting a spell over the evil souls… I can see all the hairs on his carrot ass… on the undersides of his arms too… He’s off again on tiptoe… arms in a garland… It’s time for his rocking trance… he’s hypnotizing those demons… I’m working my hands like mad… twice as fast on my sticks… my part… I show those Luciferians a great time… I titillate them, give them quivers… put them into one hell of a good mood… they’ve got to be perfectly primed… then I slip into the dance… following the etiquette of esoterica… charm all the way supposedly… And I come on stage in turn… Now I need to show I can pack a wallop… Gwendor the Magnificent! The Sar! Nimbleness! Twelve flicks! Twelve heads while shooting past!… To take advantage of the emanations from the spell… while bewitched by Sosthène… my click-clacks filling their heads… zoom! I knock them unconscious! Ah! My jokers! I barely need to graze them… they vanish into thin air, and how! Such is my radiance, my power of hypnosis! Wham! Bam! Whoosh! The invincible kid! I must have looked like a lightning bolt, no joke! All twelve in a row! I hit the jackpot! Top prize for seduction! Wiping out the merry minions from hell… and zoom! Back to my sticks… Not a single wasted breath! Full steam ahead for the Apotheosis! I was whipping along, my whole body vibrating! Yet it wasn’t enough for him!

  “More pizzazz, kid! More pizzazz! You’re getting mixed up!…”

  Never satisfied!

  “It’s a smash success, not just some nice try!”

  And this with the instruments I was using! He was worked, whipped, fired up like a whole shitload of devils on the loose… And I was hot on his heels, a whirlwind! A carcass swept through the atmosphere, whisssh! This was the grand moment, had to admit… he was supposed to take off over our heads fuelled by his fiery spirits, a spinning top, a cannonball of bone… right at the very second I was knocking them out!… His sheer speed whipping him up… literally sucked up, propelled through mid-air by the incredibly intense whirl… It was really awesome!… An unbridled dervish, a whirligig of vibrations… I spurred him on with my click-clacks… the crackling hail from my sticks… plus my mouth noises too! Tshoooh! Tshoooh!… A she-cat in a fury… and then I do my “madly spinning top” effect! Brrrmmm! The trembling roaring thundering whir! Zz! Zz! Zz! Zz! He pulled away from the carpet, spurted up off the floor, driven by fervour, by “mystical displacement”… theoretically during a real session he would be bashing through the ceiling! In a gyrating flight! Would shoot to the zenith on his whirlwind magic… the mind-boggling moment… the Grand Crossing was its name… the leap between worlds… He barged into another dimension… he explained it well… it was all in the hieroglyphics… I had to believe him… Then once he mastered the law of gravity there’d be no stopping him, he could do anything he wanted! He was very sure… the mystic jackpot, the great bull’s-eye in the sky… All prizes would be his for the taking!… His presence would go undetected, he’d vanish whenever he wished… he became an enchanter of the whirl, transformed into a soul of dance and chance… with one gesture he’d disappear… you wouldn’t see him any more! Why, in a word, he’d be one of the spirits himself! That was really something… It was worth a try… especially in our situation… And he wouldn’t have had to be scared of anything ever again! Not gases, not cops, not anything… he could do anything he wanted… nobody would be able to lay a finger on him any more, no elements, no power… He would be invulnerability incarnate, the Sar of the emanations… Endowed with extraordinary powers… He would be the one who regulated the compasses from the moment he was “admitted”, “recognized by the emanations”… Ah! When you came down to it the guy really impressed me!… I did my best to help him, that’s a fact!… I whipped up a storm of click-clacks so powerful I broke my toothbrush ends… played passionately, with all my heart… I didn’t cheat him any way any how… my sound effects weren’t so hot though… I couldn’t do the whizzing top… Zz! Zz!… I made some rasping noises… he was right about me… We took it from the top fourteen times… he was pig-headed on that point… just one little false step could throw off the whole shebang… Success was all in the nuances… He’d never be able to shoot up, bash into the ceiling, outdo everything, zoom to his zenith! With my zz! Zz! Zz!… He’d never metaphysicalize himself! I had to knock off my rasping!… Stubborn… a mule!… Ah! Tara-Tohist my balls! I reminded him of his pet obsession… the Brahmanic multicolours! Tara-Tohé, our emblem…

  “We’ll try everything! The miracle-working rose, pops!”

  This time around we’d go out looking for it! To the very ends of the earth, Christ Almighty! To the highest reaches of heaven if need be! We’d shrink before nothing! That was agreed! But first things first, he had to win!… Survive the ordeal of the roguish Sar! We were going at it! Let ’er rip! Kee-rist! Now was no time for slacking off!…

  “Come on, whoosh, up into the air, pops!”

  He had to take it from the very top.

  “Shake that ass! The fifteenth jolt!”

  In the end I frazzled my nerves too! If only he’d start out just from the place we messed up! And quit his sighing! Knock off the mumbo-jumbo! He was possessed, true enough… he’d go back to the top over every picayune flub… one tick of my stick… But I was in charge now!

  “Come on, pops, shake those legs!”

  Ah! I want him to drop dead!… The way the sweat’s pouring off him is hard on my eyes! The blood, the grimy trickle… stripping his hairs away… one foot in the air, he’s already shot his wad, he wobbles, collapses… Ah! You finally did it, you old wreck! He won’t be busting my ass any more! He’s stretched out on his side, panting, deeply, hoarsely, like a seal…

  “Drop dead, pops!” I snap, a dainty note!

  His tongue’s hanging out, lapping, licking the carpet.

  “Ah! You can see for yourself, pops! Now what you need is sleep…”

  I don’t want him to wind himself back up. He was the type… I’d have bashed in his big fat face for him if he even tried…

  *

  After such thrills and chills… such savage free-for-alls, Ferocious gas, etc.… and, to top it off, the dance of the demons… I was shattered real bad… thrown into such turmoil that my feelings slipped out of control… I was afraid of everything… of losing everything… Ah! I adore you I love you! My little sacred charm! I was hallucinating with love, wild with passion… seething too madly for my wounds, my whacked-out head… Ah! I adore you I love you!… I just kept repeating the words… in a fresh rage of obsession… over my happiness above all else!… Ah! I wanted to kiss her! Harder! Give her a nice little bite! Hurt her, goddamn it!… I would have done everything tried every trick in the book to make her adore me a little too… “Yes, Ferdinand! Yes! You’re the one for me!… You and only you!… Nobody but you!” Ah! I’d just come out and rape her! Bet your life on that! At the slightest squawk! The least little “oh, no”! I’d been hanging around here pretty long for her… she was supposed to be coming down those stairs… my patience wouldn’t hold out for ever!… In fact we were supposed to go out, run around, dash about on our errands… the resupplies: all on my shoulders! Everything that had been trashed and smashed!… One small problem: no way would I be allowed to do it on my own, not a chance, forget it… Virginia had to tag along with me everywhere for everything! Her good uncle’s orders… couldn’t trust me… my name was mud because of the mercury business… everybody considered me shiftless, irresponsible… Virginia was the level-headed, responsible one… conscientious… her job was to keep an eye on me… she was supposed to follow me wherever I went… Three cheers for my chaperone! That suited me just terrific! I’d be lugging around the stuff! And so clear the way! Heads up, supply heap coming through! She’d do her young-maiden
number… and her share of the work even! London was still pretty much unknown territory for me… as a team we’d never get lost!… At any rate that dear name of hers was wonderful – Virginia… I’d call her constantly… so that she’d stick to me like glue! I’d be in charge of our stroll… Ah! No, I’d be smarter to obey her every order, thrilled, delighted… I’d snap into action… I’d never be mean ever again… my guardian angel! My joy! My soul!… Meanwhile she was taking her good time… not even close to coming down… had no inkling of the mad dash ahead of us, all the stampeding around we’d have to do!… Her voice, at last… her light footfall… Here she is! Wonderful love of my life! my incredible creature!… Even more adorable, more darling, more radiant with joy and charm and smiles than the other night… What night? Last night? Which morning? Can’t remember. The sight of her standing there like that dazes me… in a flash everything blurs, blazes up… The look in her eyes makes me crazy with happiness!… I love her too much, that’s why! She’s laughing. She’s laughing… I’m dead in my tracks, looking back at her, I’ve left the world of the living… is she poking fun at me?… No. She’s laughing just for the fun of it… I spring back to life!… I die ten times a second… What joy! I’m floating on air! In seventh heaven!…

  “Ferdinand! Ferdinand!”

  Angel voice, I’m at your heels! Here I am! The dream sweeps me away…

  “Let’s go, Ferdinand!”

  I drop back to earth… What could I have been thinking of again? The staircase is there… the girl calling me… nothing more… And how about my worries! My messes! They’re swarming and churning around inside my head, grabbing me by the neck, choking me, whole heaps and slews of them… a fierce load of snakes… tying me up, squeezing hard, they’ll never let me out of this alive… my worries are working my brain over… crazy figments of my imagination, bigger than life… Ah but I can see, I can see things!… Mustn’t move a muscle… There’s Ten-Paw climbing off the tracks! Just what I figured, I could have told you!… Son of a bitch acrobat! Looks like he’s been reduced to a pulp!… Another one of his tricks! He’s hit the ground on purpose to put one over on me! So he’s mashed to a pulp, good news! He’ll always be the same rotten bastard! I’m reduced to a pulp too! Every last inch!… Sheer torture, my whole bag of bones gouging deep into my skull! And he’s so shitty-looking now! Oozing from every pore! And he expects me to kiss him looking like that? Just push my whole face right in it? That’s going a bit too far! And the filthy creep comes closer! All my fingers are sticky! I show them to Virginia, who looks down at me from the stairs! Look, my poor fingers! What kind of bum would do a lowdown thing like that!… Ah! Naturally, she’s looking right at me… still smiling… she’s not the one with the sticky fingers! Plus the others into the bargain!… The kid doesn’t catch the slightest glimpse of them… And they’re standing right beside her too… she’s laughing like an idiot… poking fun at my face… I’ve got lots of reasons to make faces… and there’s Nelson, another guy she doesn’t know… he shot past like lightning! Seven steps at a time! Got to dash after that one… plus the others, the rest of the gang! I recognize them one and all, I keep my wits… Some cruel customers!… Van Claben’s there, without his cough!… He’s determined… a tiger! About to tear me in two, heart still beating… I yowl from the shock! It happens just behind Virginia’s back… Eeeyaaah! I shout… See myself struggling. Another round like with Goa… only this time the demon’s my old pal… he coughs in my belly, sneezes inside me… knocks around my innards… Ah! I knew this was coming! Once I saw Ten-Paw come onto the scene… but my ears tell me it’s Boro… I hear the thundering racket of his piano… he’s playing with eighteen hands… I’m burning up with fever of course… the worst part is I’m paralysed on my feet… I’ll never be able to stretch out again… my one chance is to stand and take it… Ah! Go ahead, laugh, you little scamp… if only you could see what I hear: the splintering keyboards from the La Vaillance pub… ‘The Waltz of the Roses’… I’m going to join in the singing… I do my damnedest… No go… I’m choking… wobbling, feel myself blacking out… ought to signal somebody for help… I’m blind to the world… Virginia! Virginia, my sweet! I know she’s there… I collapse… Sit up, use every ounce of my energy… just so she hasn’t disappeared… my spinning head, my queasy belly… stars dancing before my eyes… I squeeze them shut… can still see anyway… red on white! Colonel des Entrayes! Standing in his saddle! At the sight of him my heart sweeps me away… my very own heart! I need to clamp down onto my chair I’m throbbing with so much emotion… I’m back in the war… Look at me! The charge, the strength! Ah! Can’t give any ground! I’m a hero! He too! But I’d rather test it out on the floor… I slip down off my chair… stretch out gallop along even so… I can see my Colonel under fire again, my beloved chief! Sitting bolt upright in his saddle! Sabre bared to the sunlight! I blink shed tears! I squeal out how beautiful it is, writhing on the ground! I roar along with him: “Take heart!” I recognize his shout… The commander of the armed cavalry squadron… we thunder swiftly into the fray… I’m drenched in horse slaver… My teeth sink into the carpet, bit in my mouth… the advancing tides of the brigades… Ah! Now the abyss yawns wide… the whole horde swoops down… I’d like to prop myself up a little… where can the Twelfth have disappeared to? The Flanders field stretches endlessly around me… where can my buddies have gone? Where can they be engaged? In what still-raging battle? Maybe they’ve found my arm? And what about Raoul, who was executed by firing squad? And what about the others? All the others? I’m completely in the dark… I’m stretched flat on the ground, that’s that… the girl must be around here somewhere… Ten-Paw is really the one I’m nervous about… His dirty work’s the dirtiest, his tricks the most treacherous, the most criminal… he’d finish me off right here on the floor… where can he have popped off to now, with all his evil schemes?… I can’t get that stinking bum out of my mind! I should have shoved him harder back when, that’s my big regret… Ah! My memory’s playing tricks… my mind’s a total blank… she’s the one who dazed me… that kid’s giving me hallucinations… she’s got me all confused, my soul’s in turmoil… my mind… you name it! And it hits me that I’m flat on the floor, I’m out of it… I can hear the angels! I can hear the trumpets! It might look like I’m having fun! Their silver trumpets! My head spinning just a little… I can see the stars… I can see Saturn… I can see des Pereires’s Milky Way! I can see my divine Virginia… smack in the middle of the constellations… circled with stars! Standing right there on the stairway! I’m growling and drooling! Ready to howl with happiness!… Ah! Never been gladder in my life!… And then I’m ripped apart again… snap awake… Racked with all my pains… the dream is over, now it’s back to the nightmare… pains from all sides… shooting in like trains from every direction… their whistles echoing in my ears… they’re roaring in my head… I don’t want to know anything any more, damn it to fucking hell!… I’m giving out! I cling to the bannister… Another burst of brightness dazzles me… Ah! It’s Virginia, she’s there… Ah! It’s my honeybuns all right! Ah! I wasn’t cracked in the head… in the flesh and smiling! Ah! As alive as could be! Ah! I’m quaking with joy! Ah! But what an awful fright! All over a little hitch… let’s go, you little devil! Hit the road! I’ve got to regain the upper hand… She got a little scared too… I kind of blacked out… Maybe I’m a tad oversensitive… it’s all because of my head… I sort of give her a rough idea of all my woes… in my broken English… explain how life’s hard knocks, the heebie-jeebies take their toll… war’s no picnic… the memory of all the ups and downs… Let’s go! We’re off, kiddo! Enough with this looniness… I’ve pulled myself back together… Maybe not quite a hundred per cent… moving forward in a fog… I rub my eyes… I had a dream, I passed out… They mentioned it in my medical report when I was discharged… cerebral lacunae… my poor old bean… mustn’t scare this kid… I joke around, trot along beside her… Come on, let’s head for the bus! No mo
re messing around, time’s passing… A bus every twelve minutes… Running’s a nice idea, but I trip… can’t see the houses all that well, or the sidewalks, or the people… I stumble again, fall, pick myself back up… I’m all excited because I love her too much… that’s my craziness… can’t even see the bus any more, it passes, we let it go by… happy-go-lucky scatterbrain… Ah! Here comes another, we catch this one!… A leap, two hops, we’re in our seats… I step on the conductor… his feet… he shouts over to me… “Where you headed?” he asks… The Marble Arch! That’s where! Then we’ll see… The roads from Marble Arch lead everywhere! We cross underneath… ‘Sur le pont d’Avignon’ I sing to the kid, tell her that’s where we’re crossing… she doesn’t know the song… I don’t give a hoot about the bus, about the people listening to us… they all can sort of figure out what a live wire I am… And the darling little kid mustn’t be in the dark on that score either! Or take me for some quitter just because of a little dizzy spell! Ah! Goddamn it! I keep yapping away in the bus… it’s a pretty long trip… and I just don’t let up… and then I ask her who’s her favourite, her uncle? Or me? Or Sosthène? Or other people she knows? I ask whether she has any boyfriends! Right to the point! No beating around the bush… she really doesn’t understand my question… the bus is making too much racket… I don’t want to holler too loudly either. She’s just a kid, that’s why… but that does nothing for my jealousy… and I’m really getting bent out of shape! No point in me needling… I’ll just wind up annoying her, that’s all… I change the subject… First we’ll drop by Stream’s! Upper Lime Lane! for all the accessories!… I talk to her as we bump along… maybe we’d find our ostrich feathers there… the Hellenic crests! The junky doodads! And then like bats out of hell right over to Gospel! On bus 124! A good hour-long trip… we’ll cover the entire neighbourhood on foot! The metal suppliers are there, the small cauldrons, the suction valves… the tow padding too… No way we’d come up with everything… I could see that from here… I’d told Sosthène last night… “So you’ll go back, it’ll be a nice outing for you!” He’d take care of that… the kid wasn’t worrying herself sick either… she could see we’d be gallivanting from one store to the next… a real workout!… She’d have brought back everything from the moment she was out and about… no matter what the gizmo, what the strange contraption, thingamajig… just to see her old uncle’s expression! Money flying out the window! She didn’t take anything seriously! Everything was a joke to that brazen brat! Especially if we came up empty-handed, if the item no longer existed!… And I put on a face… well, she got a real kick out of that! This was all just one big lark for her… and if I’d really hollered at her she’d have cut out, end of story… that wasn’t possible… clip-clopping along from door to door we did a pretty good job even so… we lucked out at the Gospel Co.… practically right out of the starting gate two cauldrons, a burette and a bellows… plus two skeins of tow padding and all our large rods with coupling rings! The complete array! A terrific break!… The whole lot bought cash on the barrel! The kid had the dough! But oh my aching bones! What a load! I had to take a break every twenty yards! Well, it didn’t matter! Some days are worse than others! And this was one hell of a job! But the Colonel would be in for a treat! He’d have no reason to curse me any more! I’d be bringing him home something! They could get right back to the carnage if they took a whiff of gas… plus we didn’t spend all that much… we still had at least a hundred pounds left… give or take a few… we’d managed quite well… we were making for the chemists… we still had a few things to pick up over there… the list was still long… then straight to Soho for the druggists… the pretty green, blue, yellow chemicals, the zinc chloride, the aluminium oxide, the putties… the sulphur gum lacs… Ah! But keep watching your step… Soho’s a risky neck of the woods!… All the working girls from the Leicester had their sleepless peepers peeled… Mimi… Fauvette… Ninon… Margot… their prime hunting ground… and every last one a sleaze-monger… Ah! I was flirting with danger!… I was aware of that… I ought to have sent Sosthène… I could kick myself! But I was intrigued, hell yes, even so! I was dying for another peek at my old haunts, especially the faces, the gawky struts, the old gang of girls, the pimps… just to see how it all would look… This was on my mind as we bumped along… sitting there on the double-decker… 112 Oxford… I looked down on the streaming crowd, the get-ups… the flowing traffic, people… hookers stand out in a crowd… you can spot their kind a mile away… I mean, at least back in those days, because of their outfits, their gaudy, garish frills… the corners where they take turns, where they flap their lips… always in groups of two or three… so we’re heading up to the “National”… the bus bumping along… in front of St Martin-in-the-Fields… I think I spot Nénette… Bunny Eyes… but I didn’t see a single pimp the whole trip long, and do I ever know what they look like!… It was extraordinary… things were no different on Edgware Road… Dott Street… Shaftesbury… more women… packed with streetwalkers, but not a single man… it was mind-boggling, I thought it out… a raid sweeps the streets clean… But this situation’s here a real puzzle, a brain-teaser… I make a mental note to look into this… They haven’t all bumped each other off!… Just now we’re passing through Trafalgar Square… I think: let’s get off and see Nelson… it was a risky notion, I grant you… I knew the guy was a stoolie… well, when you want to know the story… I spot my man on the asphalt… the artist at his post… posing over his chromos, giving his spiel… right in the middle of one of his spiels… I point him out to Virginia from a distance… the Eiffel Tower! The Pyramids!… “Gentlemen, the tallest tower in the world…” He’d coloured the whole works on the asphalt… I could hear his loud mouth… I didn’t want to get too close… I was still testing the waters… Maybe it was pretty reckless… but Virginia was the bold one, she wanted us to march right up for a chat… she didn’t understand why I was carrying on… I was grating on her nerves with my hide-and-seek act… I talked myself hoarse explaining the risks I was running, but it didn’t do any good… one more word and she’d have bawled me out… didn’t give a damn about my run-ins… she got a kick out of the chromos, and since I knew the artist… right then I jump out of my skin… I spot somebody watching us…