London Bridge

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  “The major rejected him three times! ‘Stay, my good man! Stay here! Wait your turn!’ That’s how he put it… ‘The war’s not over!’ Damn it to hell! Damn it! My man couldn’t take it any more!… He was dying to see the other guys scrambling for cover! Tatave! Gigot! Francis! Old Bean! More than he could take! He couldn’t stay put! He’d have ripped off his fat dong with his teeth! I’m telling you, he was a raving lunatic… fiddling with it night and day… he made the swelling worse… big surprise… he couldn’t get his trousers on any more… it blew up as big as a cantaloupe… in the end he was a real pain in the ass… ‘Beat it!’ I go… ‘Beat it, you dumb scumbag! You’re pig-headed, tough shit, to hell with you!’ I wasn’t the only one he was driving crazy… He suckered them down at the Consulate. ‘Get out!’ they told him. ‘Get out! We never want to set eyes on you again! Here’s your ticket for Boulogne… Good riddance! Ta-ta! Moron!’ Now you know I’m not some tough bitch without a heart… I had a sick father at one time and all that… I know what taking care of a man means… I don’t have a special thing for knives, but I came this close to cutting off his dong, just to have some fucking peace and quiet!… And not one kind word out of his mouth, mind you… not one friendly word down at the station… Ah! A big fat zero!… Shit! He scrambled out of here like a pig… grunting, listen up, like this… ‘Hrrunk! Hrrung!’ a real animal… off to the slaughterhouse, the pig-headed bastard! I couldn’t dig up any way out for him! He didn’t even say goodbye to us… ‘I’m late, Curlers! I’m late!’ That’s all he was able to yap back at me… even on the platform, believe it or not! Charing Cross… Granted, he’s nuts! His great cause! France! The fatherland and blah blah blah… Baloney!… And so what about us then, isn’t England where we’re earning our living! And a pretty good one at that!… You can take it from me!… I’m raking it in, and how! He could stay with me! I earned his living for him, the shit! And I didn’t start yesterday either, that’s no joke!… I’ve got a good position, take it from me… Do I know these rosbifs or don’t I? You just have to take a little look around… they’re all in cahoots! Take a guess how big the crowd is. Less than one in a hundred’s leaving! I’m on easy street. What are they waiting for? They’re just waiting… So why shouldn’t he wait too? Why’s he got to act like some big asshole?… Nobody’s rushing him out the door… those tricks of mine aren’t in any rush! I see them day in day out… Doesn’t he know the customers?… So what’s the big idea? Dumber than the hicks from up north back home, shit, and that’s really saying something! Just look at the way these Englishmen are eating their hearts out! Just take one glance at their cars on some Saturday! Cricket! Cricket! Carloads of tricks! Crammed full, collapsing with players!… The only thing on their minds is fun and games… And they’re dead serious about them, no kidding, you can take my word for it… Wouldn’t they make good cannon fodder?… It just turns my stomach… they’re waiting… they’re in no hurry, of course… And their dongs didn’t get like that!… I’d show him all the time! I’d show him! They’d all come passing through there… the Marble Arch… and shitloads, no joke! You ought to see the mob!… I kept harping at him… ‘Just take a look and tell me whether they’re eating their hearts out!… When they go, you chump, that’s when you go!…’ I’d make him feel ashamed… The fuck with him! Champ nutcase… Going off to war, that’s all he wanted to hear! So now he’s off, goddamn it to hell! And didn’t even say goodbye, you hear me!…”

  On that note she started stewing… Ah! The way that cad of hers just upped and left stuck in her craw…

  Curlers was a splashy dame… dolled up in every colour of the rainbow and then some… blue white yellow… I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her!… She was right up O’Collogham’s alley!… With that solid-gold handbag! A cockatoo!… She too thought looks came first… rigged out like a hysteric… you could see her from Marble Arch, she caught your eye as far away as Soho… you could spot her for miles around… she didn’t walk the streets alone… she always had a mob on her ass. Endless dickering… pipsqueaks and old farts… at least five-six broads under each door hashing things out, haggling… and often around the clock… and every last one, mean, rotten windbags… And here I was walking right into their clutches!… Where was my head at? Jeez, were they going to have some real fun cooking my goose with my jailbait!… Blab the news all over town… Ah! You dirty sucker! I was so furious I could have rammed my head against the tree… And if I asked them to keep a lid on it the situation would be a thousand times worse… once I asked her to keep her lips buttoned… she’d race off to trash me!…

  “You stopping by the Leicester?” she asks, acting innocent.

  “Come off it! You know I can’t!…”

  She’s a fucking pain, the sly bitch! She doesn’t press… switches the subject… She takes an interest in the girl… gives her the eye, a smile…

  “Well, miss, how you doing?” she asks, sugary-sweet, cajoling…

  I glance over at Curlers’s face, one big mess of wrinkles and cream… She’s an old bag all over except in her eyes… Ah! They’re on fire!… She has an animal effect on me, those things happen to you when you’re young… It doesn’t bother the girl at all… they’re both laughing together… The old bag imitates a kitten for her… comes out with a few “meow-meows”… her English isn’t so hot… baby talk… All at once she gets this bright idea, a wild hankering… She rivets Virginia with her stare, grabs my arm.

  “Say, what if I took the girl?”

  A stroke of genius!… She plops down beside the kid… touches her, rubs up against her… the way those black eyes of hers are sparkling through her pancake make-up… All three of us take up the bench… I already mentioned where it was… on the right under the Shakespeare statue in the square…

  “How do you do, Miss Darling?”

  Here she goes plunging full steam into English… she even makes herself laugh good and hard… and what a laugh! It gets to me… something awful, that laughter… she sounds worse than a cow, with a real weird moo… they probably hear her down at the Leicester… Ah! She’s a real monster… Ah! Just my luck!… She starts up again, “How? How?…” just can’t get those “How”s right… When she sucks in her breath she chokes… she starts in again anyway… she’s just like Sosthène… on fighting terms with English…

  “How! How! How!”

  Virginia shows her… and how they laugh! Like lunatics!

  “I speak English, just listen! You’re telling me she speaks well! My precious sweetheart! Miss Teacher!”

  Real enthusiastic in that husky voice.

  And now, a few liberties. She takes her arm…

  “My goodness, she’s so beautiful! She’s so beautiful!”

  Just comes right out with it, real worked up… she slips her hand under the kid’s dress, gropes around, appraises…

  “Ah! How about that! How about that!”

  Such nutty nerve to come right out and act this way in broad daylight on the bench… she sniffles, stutters… I needed to find some rock to crawl under…

  “Ah! You know, your miss is a real sweetie pie!…”

  She’s fidgeting she can’t sit still.

  “So, you’re going to let her shack up with me, you big lug?”

  She’s serious. Talking strictly business. The deal’s on the table.

  “She couldn’t be any worse a turd than Canard!… Couldn’t be worse!…” She’s already got plans.

  “I’ll lock your little pet up!… I’ll lock her up till she gets used to it… Isn’t that right, my little honey bunny!”

  Another big smooch.

  “I’ll send you off to war, just look at those gorgeous thighs!”

  On that she bends down, nibbles her. The kid lets out a squeal… sort of soft… I can’t stand in the way, she’d throw a fit. She’d roll around on the ground.

  “So you’ll let her shack up with me, OK Ferdinand? So, let’s hear what you want for her!”

  The people beside us
are eavesdropping, lucky they don’t catch on.

  “The British’ve got gorgeous thighs, don’t they, my little honey!”

  She feels her up, pinches her… the child giggles… Here we go again… her whole greedy face creased in a smile…

  “So your daddy plays football? Huh, I betcha he does! You can’t take that away from them: they’ve got gorgeous legs! So take a good look, why don’t you, since it’s all wasted on you! You’ll never understand women! You’re like Fathead the pimp, that’s right, you’re a lamebrain!”

  Now she’s dumping on me… thinks I’m a jerk and a lummox, dumb as they come! And while she was at it, thick as a brick to boot!… I’m going to introduce her to Sosthène… a chip off the old block when it comes to tact… she’s one incredible pig. She raises the kid’s skirt… feels her up, those gorgeous, golden thighs… the girl doesn’t put up a fight, treats the whole thing as a game. But Curlers has got some brass carrying on this way in front of everybody… it’s sheer lunacy… playing blind man’s buff right out in the open… All her bird-of-paradise feathers are bouncing around, her headdress is teetering… she’s fiery red with excitement. Her face powder’s melting off…

  “She’s got muscles, no kidding! She’s got muscles!… And look at that pretty little puss!… Ah! Ferdinand I’m whisking her off your hands!”

  She doesn’t even ask for my two cents any more… I laugh her off.

  “Knock it off, Curlers, you’re bugging me! You’re not going to win this time!”

  “Bugging you! Bugging you! I’ll show you, you little shit!”

  Ah! She takes it wrong, gets sore… straightens her headdress, looks me up and down hard… I thought the girl was going to help me out, work out of her jam, defend herself… Ah! No way, she didn’t put up a fight, chuckling, sniggering away, and that’s that… the other broad’s slipping under her skirt, this was really getting disgusting. If I manhandled the kid, dragged her out of the square, she’d have raised hell. The stinking bitch was totally clear on that score… Curlers I mean… It was too risky. So she really went at it!… Took advantage of the situation… the pair were really cooking, that’s a fact… I don’t mean kid’s stuff either… Ah! It knocked me out!… The old bag was no holds barred with those roaming hands… the kiddy and the biddy!… In the bright sunshine!… I’d never have believed it! My baby doll! My sweetheart!… They were cooking!… I was young, still wet behind the ears… I’d no real idea what people could be like… they were tickling each other… two vixens… What kind of dope did I look like?… And the people all around us on the benches!… What a performance! They didn’t worry their heads over such piddling stuff… two spirited little girls letting their hair down…

  “So you’re handing her over to me, fathead?”

  She had a one-track mind… up for sale!… She was stuck on the idea…

  “How old’s she?”

  “Twelve and a half years old!”

  I wanted to throw a scare into her.

  “Ah! Twelve and a half years old!”

  She’s even happier now!… She smacks her own thighs!…

  “Ah! You don’t say, where’d you dig the kid up?”

  She’s practically on the point of turning the tables and accusing me!… Actually we were attracting stares… Couldn’t find a goddamn hole to hide in… maybe she was a little high too… whiffs of ether… hovering around her feathers… I didn’t want to cross her… she would have taken even more liberties… enough was enough… I couldn’t figure out what to do… I motioned to Virginia that I wanted her to go… she’s mystified… acting all surprised… huh, why?… Frisky, kittenish… with that old sow! Neither one of them gave a good goddamn about me!… Even the old gal was goading me…

  “Ferdinand! Ferdinand! The cops! Well, I’ll be! Get a load of that! The fuzz feasting their eyes!”

  And that was a fact! A mob! Bobbies at the gates eating us up with their stares! I hadn’t noticed them! But they’d sure as hell noticed us! It’s a damn crime! Now she was razzing the pigs! And me in my situation!… The kid got a kick out of it too… they were both sticking out their tongues!… What kind of dope do I look like? Ah! Such defiance, shit! I couldn’t get over the kid… depraved at the drop of a hat. I was looking for a break in the action so that they’d move along on their separate ways… get together someplace else… I’m humming, hawing, hustling, even hugging the bewitching witch. I promise we’ll meet up with her that very night at the Empire no later than eleven… in the standing gallery, downstairs… So help me I swear!… She blasts her ether breath right in my face. She makes it a date! A-OK by her… we’d have a ball together… I promised her everything she wanted, just to get her off my back… rotten bitch! I was scared she’d start squawking her head off… I think she snorted some dope, as well as doing the ether.

  “You’re pure! You’re pure!” she muttered. She wouldn’t let go of Virginia… squeezed her against her heart… love pecks galore… Finally she releases her… we parted company… she shakes my hand… goes pale… so pale… white as a ghost… a Pierrot… her eyes wide… she gets up, walks straight off… stiff as a board… a robot… she ditches us… crosses the square… slowly disappears… Happy flying! You old bird!

  All her feathers floating behind her… her yellow-blue boas… she struts just like that in front of the cops… marching like a soldier… one two… one two… fires a salute… They don’t say a word… now she’s gone. We both linger on the bench… “Just you wait, kiddo,” I say to myself, “I’ll be biding my time! I’ll show you what kinky’s all about! Cutie pie, you deserve a good beating! Now that the old witch is gone, wait and see what I do to your ass!” Ah! I’d snapped back to myself!… I couldn’t let myself breathe a word in front of her, but how I make up for it now! I make her feel good and ashamed! Let her hear a thing or two… I dot every I. Tell her that woman’s a piece of shit, a washed-up hellcat… a gross, grungy old junkie! An ugly witch, a pig! That it’s horrendous for a young girl to be hanging around with such women… I want to give her her comeuppance, not quit until she starts crying… I want to see her tears… She’s completely dry-eyed… listens to me with her pug nose up in the air, straightening her dress… stuck-up… shutting me out! So cool and collected! Nothing rattles her… she thinks I’m boring, crude… sulking at me… now if that isn’t a pisser!… And she’s barely out of the cradle!… I’m not going to go over it all again, I don’t have the time… we’ve wasted two hours at least…

  “Come on, brat, let’s hit the road, damn it! We’ll be out here for ever! Let’s go, little lady! We’ve got some shopping to do!”

  Heave-ho! I hoist up my cargo… the whole shebang, plop! On my shoulders! What an incredible load! Now we’ve got to get a move on… we’re off… I hit the ground running… this little hellcat’s really something! Defying me, putting on a face… the more I thought about it while walking along the more worked up I got… she was traipsing beside… totally oblivious… as though nothing had happened… what a disgusting blow to my personal pride that behaviour of hers back there… still and all she was just a girl… and I already loved her like crazy… my adored Virginia… my pure one, my precious my dream, messing with that tramp… my little girl, my sweetheart… and here I was afraid to kiss her!… But with that out-and-out dirty two-bit whore… Oh man! I was rattling all my gear, banging into the shop windows… pretty shook up, you better believe it… I was seeing stars… I tried clinging to the shopfronts I was so wobbly on my feet… boiling mad… the dirty brazen slut… my head was spinning, I could see her ugly mug everywhere, her warpaint, her eyes, that Curlers, her filthy leers… I also saw sleazy scenes, awful fantasies reflected all down the shop windows… All at once I could see the pair together right there… the kiddy and the biddy… awesome! Got me hard as a rock… oh yeah! I was hot and horny!…

  That’s when I nabbed the kid, held her arm, because I wanted her to cough up an answer.

  “Didn’t you think she was r
evolting? Horrible? Disgusting? Stinky?”

  I wanted to know… at every street corner… I held her back, I didn’t want her to take off… I wanted an answer… and don’t spare the details!… My mouth was dry as cotton I’d worked myself into such a state… They were sucking the life out of me, this burning desire this vice this jealousy… everything… It was more than I could take in my condition… my brain like oatmeal… it was too much… too cruel… those monsters!… I looked at the kid pressed against me… I just couldn’t accept the idea… she was looking up at me too, traipsing along… not bothered in the least, mocking… she sure as hell didn’t give a damn about me… she did whatever looked good in her eyes… her lovely, blue, laughing eyes… Now she was acting innocent… couldn’t understand me any more… just a happy-go-lucky little girl… with a frisky little behind… her tightly pleated skirt… she was really pushing me over the edge!… She was skipping along real close to me… absolutely oblivious about everything that had gone on… and there I was, broken-hearted, stuttering and hiccuping… Oh yeah! I saw the pair all over the sidewalk… the lamp-posts… among the passers-by… That’s how terrifically confused, shook up I was, because my heart hurt like hell… and all because of that old dyke!… I was groping forward with my doodads, my junkload… lugging and lagging… couldn’t see clearly… all I could make out were sleazy visions… Curlers… the girl before my eyes… Ah! What a horrendous number that did on me… drove me into one of those jealous fits… seeing the way those two were gobbling each other up!… And me underneath them both, lapping like mad… sinking my teeth into her thighs… the visions tripped me up in my tracks… I had to sit down… right there on the curb… I could see them tearing away at each other… a genuine slaughter fest… wolfing me down too, they were so totally crazed… that’s what I was seeing… climbed back on my feet… started to zigzag forward… Ah! A pretty sight I made in the street!… I sort of realized it at the time… I had a shred of wits about me… I forced myself to keep moving… the sort of raging jealousy that attacks, ravages you, sinks its blade into your skull and stirs it up all hot and bubbly… sure was one hell of a torture… and I was heehawing like a jackass… Christ Almighty what a joke!… The kid took me for some clown having a laugh with her… And I was asking her to forgive me…