London Bridge

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  “Listen closely! I’m announcing that she’s dead! Harry Pilcer’s dancer!* Dear sweet ravishing soul… she passed away this very morning… Hee! Hee! Hee! Do you all hear me? I saw her pass away…”

  The diners trade puzzled glances… they can’t figure out what all this has to do with the hors d’oeuvres…

  “But it’s true! It is!” he insists… and bursts out laughing, absolutely delighted. “Isn’t that right, Ferdinand! Ghosts! Nothing but ghosts, Ferdinand!”

  He calls on me in front of everyone, takes me to witness… I’m his crony… I can’t blow him off he’d get sore… he’d go berserk, it’d be an ugly scene… he has a spooky laugh, that’s all… Gaby Deslys was a big celebrity… they just can’t believe the announcement.

  “Ghosts! Ghosts!” He was back to that tune, glad he was shaking them up so badly they didn’t know whether they were coming or going…

  “Isn’t that right, Ferdinand? Isn’t it? Nothing but ghosts!”

  Ah! I wasn’t going to tell him no!

  “Certainly, Ten-Paw! Certainly! You’re dead right!”

  I sort of wanted to change the subject.

  “The soup!” I call out. “The soup!”

  A gutsy move… as though I were hungry!

  “Ah! Why, as a matter of fact, yes indeed!”

  Damn dizzy fool! He remembers… He gives his skull another good bonk, it snaps him into a whole new frame of mind.

  “Garçon! Ober! Waiter! Hash-slinger! Kellner, schnell! Schnell!”*

  He calls them in all languages… he wants the whole crew at the same time… such a practical joker! And so young!

  “For starters, bring us a chicken! A nice chicken in a cream sauce! Make sure you don’t forget the cream!”

  He gives me a mischievous wink.

  “Ah! Cream’s so wonderful! You’ll see, my little friends! You’ll lick your chops! You still hungry, darling? What about you, clown?”

  “Sort of…” I answer.

  “What about having some crab? Caviar? Quenelles maybe?” He suggests everything…

  He wants to turn my stomach, he knows what he’s up to with his stink… He’s starting to grate on my nerves again.

  “So, you’re in the money, Mr Ten-Paw?” I remark to him in a very loud voice.

  “Oh, in the money… the money?… That’s one way of putting it! It comes and it goes, that’s all… I keep the cash circulating!… I inherit, I spend… you see, I inherit every day, get me?”

  He’s completely unflappable. He gives me details… like it’s no big deal… “Every minute I’ve got something rolling in, get me? Small fortunes here and there… Hee! Hee! Hee! A little from all over the place! When all’s said and done it really adds up! It never stops! I’ve got plenty!”

  What a funny set-up! He split his sides at the very thought… the way the dough came into his hands… just kept coming and coming… the kid didn’t understand a word he was saying, she just laughed along with him… she must have thought she was at some puppet show… and he had them rolling in the aisles!… A babe in the woods! He repeated how he understood everything…

  “It keeps rolling in… rolling in!” He’s all worked up, wriggling around! “Hard cash! Hee! Hee! Open around the clock, ladies and gentlemen! Corner House! Around the clock! Day and night.”

  Honest, what a clown! A real scream! “Day and night,” he repeats, he came up with that one himself… like Lyon’s, the big pub over in Leicester! One hell of a prankster, honest! Who let this guy out in the street? He casts a glow all around his head, given off by his clothes… a glitter deep in his eyes, his mystical way. Achille won’t go over any better than this character! It dawns on me while I sit looking at him… the mummy poster… even with the light bulbs, the works… they could go all out slapping his remains back together… but they wouldn’t come up with anything more extraordinary… they should have picked this guy here… I’d gladly have wrapped him up with a bow for them… The people around us are catching his whiff even so… starting to grow concerned… They look at me, my heart’s in my boots… they’re wondering where that swampy stink could be coming from… they pick up their plates with both hands, push their noses in their steaks and sniff… Ah! All of a sudden they’re hilarious… I start laughing hysterically, can’t stop… now all three of us are yucking it up… all those people sniffing like crazy. The old funambulist isn’t worried. “Hard cash!” he squeals, he thinks that’s a real hot one… The kid’s hooked all the same.

  “Isn’t he funny? Don’t you think so?”

  “He kills me,” I answer.

  That triggers more hysterical laughter from him. But he’s miffed that I’m putting up a fight, not puking in my plate. Only Virginia doesn’t smell a thing, doesn’t notice the foul stink… it’s extraordinary… she’s delighted and that’s that… she adores the restaurant, all these people… the music… this is a lark! And with her uncle waiting for us back at the house!… The party’s in full swing… Her turned-up snub nose quivers, I can see she’s about to pop a question… a kitten’s curiosity.

  “Have you known him long?”

  She just comes out and asks Ten-Paw… brazen of her I think… talking about me…

  “For ever, dear girl! Nobody knows him better than I do!”

  And that really sets him off! What a lucky break!

  “Oh brother, do we ever know each other! You better believe it, miss! Just ask him and see… He can throw one hell of a tantrum! He flares up, flies into flaming fits, boils over! I know you, don’t I, you powder keg!”

  He follows that by flashing grins that grind his choppers down to stumps… castanets rattling through his head… and then from down under, a rotting-corpse reek that could knock out a battalion… the others in the room are still sniffing, digging into their steaks, they’re totally oblivious…

  He wants an ovation, that’s a fact! This funambulist’s one hell of a ham!

  “Little girl, I know a few tricks you don’t see every day! I’m not just blowing my own horn either! The funniest routines on stage! I know what I’m talking about! The most side-splitting sideshow antics!”

  He gives me a wink, naturally… He saw I was thinking about Achille… he could read it on my face… Ah! I hate being an open book!…

  “Yep!” he keeps hammering away. “Without blowing my own horn! Not your usual numbers! I picked them up way back when!”

  He follows that by heaving one of those sad, break-your-heart sighs, an enormous huff out his nose… sounds like a big burp… and what a stink! Horrendous… I barely grab hold of myself, I was about to black out… he nearly got me that time, the pig!…

  “It was another world!” he goes on… lost in a dream… incredibly wistful… he winks…

  “In America?” the kid asks… it makes America pop into her head.

  “No, no, miss… in Paris…”

  “Paris! Paris!” She fidgets… she really wants to see Paris too… first off, she wants to go everywhere… and then she suddenly becomes sad… starts mumbling… she’s been to Paris it seems to me… with her uncle… now she’s talking as in a dream… not your usual mood!… She’s also waxing nostalgic… Ah! Where’d she pick this up?… She’s mimicking Ten-Paw! “Often, often in Paris…” she’s mumbling like that… incredibly sad… “with my aunt, my uncle, everything… dear little auntie, dear little uncle!… Dresses, hat lace… all for my aunt… dresses! dresses! Me too, you know! Dresses!” A coquette’s nostalgia at her age!… She’s awfully sad and then real cheerful… from one second to the next… and then she sobs…

  “You didn’t know my auntie?” she asks me, just like that, awfully innocent awfully grief-stricken… as though everybody knew everybody else… Another example of that crummy stiff’s work! He’s positively breaking the kid’s heart.

  Even foxier than he aims to be!

  “I know everybody, miss!”

  “Everybody? What about your mother, you creep?”

  Bam! I
shut his trap on the spot…

  “Ever catch a glimpse of my guts once or twice before?”

  He snaps back angrily… I see his hands drop, rummaging around his rags. He’s going to dig out his crap. I’m about to retch, I’m beaten… I clam up, swallow my tongue… but I’ve made him sore, he’s stopped glowing, stopped grinding his teeth, stopped everything, he was just plopped there drably in his seat… stubbornly… the rotten old grouch… stopped giving off his glow… sulking… the goddamned kid’s back at it again… she absolutely wants to know…

  “But my aunt’s dead, sir… she was so nice… nice…”

  What a conversation…

  I jab her with my knee, she doesn’t catch on.

  “She’s dead, you know, sir…”

  She repeats. He snaps around to face her.

  “Nobody killed your aunt, did they?”

  Real terrific impression on the people around us…

  The kid’s eyes pop wide open, she doesn’t know what the words mean any more… she repeats “killed her… killed her…” she looks around the room… at the people…

  He leans over, asks her bluntly, “She didn’t have an accident?”

  Then he starts creaking, rattling, raising such a racket from his bag of bones, the glasses, plates, that I think he’s going to send the whole lot crashing to the floor… what a ruckus, rocked by his giddy fit…

  “Ah! How funny it is! Ah! Can’t you see?” he trills so shrilly that it scrapes and rattles the windows.

  “An accident! An accident! I don’t believe in accidents!”

  The way he’s carrying on… squealing… such a disgraceful spectacle… I glance over at the manager, he’s standing there in his tails… Why not show this guy the door?… Is he under his spell too? Can’t he smell the stink? It looks like he holds Ten-Paw in high regard, with respect, studying him from a distance… This can’t go on.

  “He’s a skeleton!” I shout over at him loud and clear… I made no bones about it… He acts like he didn’t hear a word… the poor little kid is shattered… what a lout!… Her cute distressed face… completely bowled over she gazes at that monster… we’re in a jam! But if the cops showed up it’d go from bad to worse… what a twisted situation… I sit back down, listen to his bullshit… Jeez, he’s bewitching everybody! Nobody dares utter a word… it’s an extraordinary spell… even so the funambulist’s bubble has burst! His question about the aunt was plain dumb! What the hell did that have to do with anything?… Murder! Murder! That’s all he can yap about… all for my benefit! I saw him coming! Let him go right on creaking out that laugh of his… I could give a good goddamn about the hints he was dropping! I was a hardened murderer, and totally upfront about it! Flaunting my medals, honours, you name it! So watch out, poor knucklebones! Great idea for him to keep shooting his mouth off, bullshitting like that, like there’s no tomorrow, because just another word or two and he’ll be twisting her around his little finger, and swipe her away from me with his mystical hocus-pocus… in the end she sees everything though his eyes… at her age the ghostly and supernatural cast a glamorous charm, lucky thing he screwed up badly and dropped a brick, wham!… Ah! She couldn’t get over her aunt, she was grief-stricken, the poor little dear!… So cheery just a minute before!… Ah! He’d won, the dead meat! The skeleton! But what a gaffe! And he still wanted to pick up where he left off, but had no idea what tack to take… he was sort of aware of what he’d done, tried to make up for it… he didn’t mean that, he meant something else! He was wallowing in his quicksand, sinking fast with his fits of teeth-creaking laughter… Ah! He was working himself up to a feverish pitch-black… poor pathetic slob! Suddenly he lights up inside, all his skin starts glowing… he wants to recapture his razzle-dazzle… he can’t just sit still… he’s got to be the centre of attention… she’s shut her eyes and ears to him… all she can do now is let the tears roll down her cheeks… Ah! What a terrific twist!… What a fiasco! And am I ever jumping for joy inside… but I’m not casting any glow… not rattling around as much either, I hope… Mr Joker from the Beyond! Tail between his legs now… forgotten how to place an order… now the waiters are making up for it, really pouring on the service… bringing everything… three salad bowls of celery… plus a pedestal table of roasted fowl… I wish they’d ease up a little, give me a breather… well, so to speak… I couldn’t catch my breath in that reek… three more big platefuls of cold meat… everything comes in threes… cold cuts and blood… three gravy boats full… plus three more bowls of a green-yellow juice… I feel like I’m going to be sick… he’s eyeing me.

  “For the members of the family!”

  He lashes out, creaking laughter… witty barbs are his speciality… he repeats his remark… I keep a lid on my anger, I’m stoical… the manager’s watching us… but I’ve got this taste of something in my mouth… something extraordinary, frightening!… I snatch a piece of bread and start chewing chewing… and don’t stop, I don’t want to puke! The girl doesn’t want to overdo it with her sulking… seeing my hearty appetite she takes a little taste too, picking at all the plates… I keep stuffing myself with bread… and what about him? I’d like to see how he’ll manage to chomp away… he just watches us eat that’s all…

  “Aren’t you eating?” I shout at him. “Monsieur Eau de Cat Piss?”

  “Oh, I don’t need to, you know… just a little daisy… by the root…”

  Another ironic jab… he’ll never change… But as for booze, Christ Almighty! Break out the bottles, let’s tie one on! For starters, some wine! Banyuls! The kid’s got to drown her grief! He has to undo the harm he did! He pours her a glass… we pour ourselves one… she pours us one… and more wines, redder and redder… nothing too pricey, he said… she’s talking, talking up a storm, the kid’s tipsy! Yackety yak!… It didn’t take long… going on about how we’re leaving for America… the price of the trip, the maps… the fake passports we’d have… she tells all, got to treat the guy… mentions how I’ll drop my name Ferdinand… it’s a real deposition. Ah! Foxy half-crocked kid! I jab her with my knee under the table, does no good… just blah-blah-blah-blah!… She wants to be the centre of attention, in a flash she’s an idiot… plus she’s playing to the entire room… she has to have everybody’s ears, she’s just like the other stinkpot! I could wring both their necks! Everything for the whole world to hear… English words French words… This is just what he was waiting for, sweetie!… It’s a real lucky break! And is he ever ecstatic! He’s regained the upper hand.

  “This is just what I’ve been waiting for! This is just what I’ve been waiting for!” He screaks very loudly. “Great going! Great going, Ferdinand!” He’s behind me all the way, one hundred per cent… the people are interested too, they’re getting a kick out of our conversation… now nothing will make the little hell-raiser shut her trap! And the crap she can come out with! Ah! we’re creating a real sensation… nobody’ll forget we’ve been here… it would be pretty funny in a way if it weren’t for that putrid reek… but it doesn’t seem to bother anybody, the only person it bugs is me… the customers are chattering away, guffawing… they let gibes fly at us… Ah! Nothing kills their appetite… I’m the only one who can’t stomach a bite… Ten-Paw doesn’t hold any grudge at all against me… Even though I just put him in his place a second back… we’ve never been better buddies…

  “Damned Ferdinand!” he keeps calling me… and following up with one of those wallops to the back! What a horrendous hand… a whole lot harder than mine… really nothing but bone! I feel like screaming at each thwack… but I don’t let out a peep…

  He wants to make a toast…

  “To the young couple! Hip! Hip!” He invites the room to join in.

  “Hip! Hip! Hurrah!” they answer in chorus.

  They pig out worse than before… the whole restaurant’s as noisy as a trough… Oh! But our swindler looks different now, I mean his glow, he’s flickered out… Oh! A question! He smacks his skull, the bone
echoes like a bell…

  “What about your uncle, is he in the know?”

  This is what worries him all of a sudden… For starters, where’s he know her uncle from? He’s never laid eyes on him… The kid’s unconcerned, she’s goofing around, shooting pieces of bread all over the room… she’s totally out of control, it’s the wine, the little lush!…

  “Uncle! Uncle! He doesn’t care!”

  She pours some bubbly, just for herself.

  “You’ll need a lot of sterling!”

  He’s back on that, it’s nagging him.

  “Hoards of money! Hoards of money!”

  He screaks it out again so shrilly, so sharply and shrilly that the waiters freeze in their tracks…

  “I’m trembling for you!” he squeals. “I’m trembling for the pair of you!”

  And he’s off again clanking, crunching, clinking louder than ever before… his whole bag of bones… a racket like a hundred sticks rattling around in a box… at the same time it’s funny… some diners are laughing…

  “I can see you’re getting off to a bad start, my children!”

  He’s still moaning over us.

  The people are moaning along with him, they mimic his shrill whining… He heaves a sigh, they sigh…

  “The Pacific’s far away! It’s far! It costs a fortune! At least five hundred pounds, my darlings! The boat! The boats! The soup!”

  Ah! He’s really bullshitting now… I won’t allow it! I shut his trap.

  “It’s cheaper than Tibet, come on now!”

  He’s not going to get away pulling any crap! I’ve got the figures in my pocket!

  Tibet! Tibet! What fuse did I light with that word! Ah! He jumps up in his seat! Such an outcry!

  “Tibet!” he squeals. “Tibet, Tibet! Will you listen to that!”

  Every part of him’s shaking, giggling, wriggling… all his joints are cracking, his head’s joggling around, with every shout he springs three feet into the air… such suffering, what a horrendous sight… ah! What did I say with that one simple word, Tibet!

  And then, surprise, he pitch-blacks into me, pinching me, roughing me up! He thinks I’m a scream! Side-splitting! He wants us to howl together, and to bring down the roof too! To rabble-rouse our audience! What a live wire! He gives me one of his bone-shattering thwacks! His hands meaner than clubs. I’ll never be able to walk again if he keeps whacking me this way!… I yank myself up by the arms, change seats… Ah! That makes him laugh even harder… just despicable how he’s kicking up one hell of a stench with all his jiggling and pirouetting… that foul reek of his is ghastly… he wallops me real hard on my back… all in fun! I don’t hem and haw, just belt him back… he raises his arm to hit me, baring the hole under his sleeve… the cavity, the flesh, the rotting shreds… he’s coming all unravelled inside… you can get a good look there… plus his ribs!