London Bridge

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  “So what?…”

  “Well then, you can tell him yourself… You’ll sort it all out with him…”

  “Great, I’ll see him right away…”

  “He’s not here… He’s stepped out…”

  “Where to?”

  “The manufacturers… to try to find everything you lost!… Everything you screwed up!… He went with his niece, he said he’d return with everything… He doesn’t trust anybody any more…”

  “What a riot!…”

  “So where’d you supposedly lose everything?”

  He was curious.

  “She said you went nuts in the afternoon around Wapping… and you went down into a club… forcing her along… that you’d wanted her to have fun… made her drink champagne!… And you busted all the packages… dumped everything with the Negroes… the whole load… all the implements, all the feathers, the doodads… just like that in one loony impulse! She said you were an awful sight!”

  I kept my trap shut… and my ears open.

  Was that all he had to say?

  No big deal…

  “And then her uncle really started walloping her!… Ah! I mean it too! A one-man gauntlet!… I could hear it from upstairs!… Ah! My sweetheart, my buttocks! Ah! wish I could’ve seen it!… ‘Un-cle! Un-cle!’ she screamed… and she wasn’t joking!… You bet! A real licking… He was whacking away! I heard it with my own ears!… ‘Help! Help!’ what a racket!… You didn’t hear a thing!… You were snoring away! People must have been able to hear it out on the street!”

  Ah! I was floored…

  “Her uncle’s a tough customer, huh? Tough, huh?…”

  That’s all I could get out.

  “But she’s already a big girl! And strong for her age… don’t you think so?… She must be fourteen if she’s a day!”

  He wasn’t sure.

  “So, what the hell you going to do?”

  He was asking me.

  Then he lets fly another crack.

  “So did it shoot right to your head?… Your teeny drop of bubbly! Since you never touch the stuff!…”

  “Fuck off!…” I snap back. “Fuck off!…”

  I wasn’t going to draw any pictures for him.

  “Where’d you say they went?”

  I didn’t catch every word.

  “To the manufacturers, you idiot!…”

  And then he fills me in… from the top…

  “You should have seen the Colonel then!… He charges into her bedroom, look out… going after the kid!… He drags her out of the sack! Stark naked!… Orders the servants upstairs… the whole staff!… Every last one!… The kitchen help… the whole crew… the butlers… the little downstairs maids… in their caps!… Those from the linen room!… Everybody in the bedroom!… The whole household… and he spanked her in front of them all!… Talk about a workout!… Apparently this wasn’t the first time!… When she was small… and had disobeyed him… the butler told me the story… the guy in tails… the one who speaks French… Her uncle obeys her every wish, but she’s not allowed to stray from the straight and narrow… if she does, the gauntlet!… And no holding back, I’m telling you! Make no mistake about it!… She gets a good tanning!… But apparently these days ever since she’s all grown up, he’s sick and tired of his niece… he doesn’t want to lay eyes on her! He’s going to send for his little nephew… and dump the girl… The guy lives by whim!… He’s going to ship her off to boarding school right after the holidays… the butler knows the family… He’s been with them for twenty years!… He doesn’t think she’s his real niece!… Just some girl they adopted, well not him… his wife… In short, a real big mess!”

  “You know a thing or two, Sosthène! That butler of yours can yak up a storm!…”

  “He likes talking French… it’s been ten years since he had the chance… just the Colonel’s wife used to speak it… the lady of the house… she died in an odd way too… ever hear the story?”

  “Not letting any moss grow under your feet, Sosthène!… What else do you know?…”

  “Ah! Yes! The little girl’s supposed to be sole heir.”

  “Wow, he’s really spoiling the kid!… Really!…”

  “Well, yes, but just hold on, things are up in the air, because he’s going to adopt the nephew… the little boy!… Six years old…”

  “You mean he’s not going to adopt you, you chump? You big mouth? He’s not going to use the strap on you? Maybe that’s what you’re both into now!… You’ve already had knock-down drag-outs!”

  I didn’t understand.

  “It’s just a matter of time!… Just a matter of time!…”

  Couldn’t resist the joke.

  “Whatever, Sosthène, but listen to me! I hate the guy’s guts! I’m going to give him a few real nice strokes, you watch! Take my word! Since he likes the rough stuff!…”

  “He can’t stand your guts either!… Get that straight!…”

  “So why’s he keeping us around?”

  “Maybe so he can bump us off!”

  Ah! Real funny!…

  “It wouldn’t really surprise me!… That’s right up his alley!…”

  And then he brings up the spanking session again. Ah! Our boss was some creep!… What a kook the Colonel was! His niece in front of all the lackeys that way!…

  Ah! Sosthène went back to the beating… The riding crop!… Let’s go to it!… Ah! It was eating away at him… Why hadn’t the Colonel called Sosthène in too?…

  “It turns you on too, you disgusting pig!…”

  He didn’t give a damn about my feelings…

  “You’re a rotten son of a bitch Chink!… You’re a perfect match, you should shack up together!… I’ll pimp out the pair of you!…”

  Nothing could burst the bubble of his vanity… a waste of breath.

  “So, did my name ever come up?”

  I wanted to have some idea even so.

  “Ah! Never! I swear! Not once!”

  Real sincere.

  “He doesn’t want to give me the boot?”

  “What’re you saying! No, no way! No, no!…”

  “You should know, you’re in cahoots!…”

  “No, Ferdinand!… No, I swear!… ‘You came here together…’ That’s the line he took… ‘And you’ll leave together… together!… Ah! Together!… I want to test out the masks!… To perform every test!… I hired you to see this through to the end!…’ Those are his exact words!…”

  Ah! He was back to that tune… I could see what he was up to… the double-cross!…

  “Well let’s get one thing straight, Sosthène!… Count me the hell out! I’m just here to run errands!… And don’t you forget it, Monsieur Sosthène!… Just the errands!… I’m not sniffing a damn thing… I already said so… I’m a wheezing wreck, got that? It hurts me!…” Ah! I didn’t want him getting any ideas… start the wheels turning in that brain of his…

  “No masks!… No masks, Monsieur Sosthène!…”

  “You only think about yourself… so easy…”

  Always the same comeback… Over the slightest little things, mean and bitchy.

  *

  The next morning my adored one was pale, that’s a fact… a sorry little hangdog look… At lunchtime I was afraid to give her a glance!… Well, I snuck a little peek!…

  Despite everything, I still had her there… I was happy to be in her dear presence… But what a state she was in!… Her poor eyes!… Her poor little face!… A pitiful sight!…

  He was there too, the brute, the Colonel, her tamer-trainer uncle… They’d returned at noon… They must have moved like lightning… from one section of the city to the other… I knew the route, even by taxi they set a real record!… But they didn’t bring back everything! Deliveries were to follow… the Colonel was growing antsy… if it was up to him, he’d already have been out and back, a new buying spree… He was still pretty wound up… he turned my stomach… He was whistling… rocking back and forth… popping his
monocle in and out… a flick of the finger, snap!… A flex of his eyebrow!… I didn’t want to open my mouth, I was pissed off… but situation too tense!… I kept my trap shut!… He would have taken it out on my honey pie!… But let him make just one crack… Ah! I’ll sock him hard right on the jaw… goes without saying… it looked like his guard was up… The flunkies brought around the platters… I had them dish out my food… couldn’t do it myself on account of my arm… I was in too much agony… especially after yesterday… Another attack… and another… Sheer torture just to move it!… I studied her uncle out of the corner of my eye… He was really a repulsive freak!… A crafty walking catastrophe!… An unpredictable crank!… I knew him inside out!… I hated his guts!… But Sosthène made the best of him, for his money the Colonel was one funny guy… interesting to work with! Everyone has the right to an opinion.

  But that thrashing he dished out to the girl really stuck in my craw!… Probably stuck in hers too!… How she must have hated the lot of us! Me included!… I was responsible!… The culprit! Why did I drag her along?… But I was clueless!… Nobody brought up the subject, not a peep about it since we’d been back, except for Sosthène with the butler… the flunkies who’d seen everything, serving with impeccable style, you’d never suspect a thing from their behaviour… Luckily… Even so, despite everything, on second thoughts, they might have felt pretty uncomfortable… Well, I didn’t know for a fact! Maybe they got a kick out of the whole thing?… And they and Sosthène were birds of a feather?… Out-and-out perverts!… Once you start flying in the face of decent behaviour, right away your life’s in the greatest danger!… You lose your nerve… your footing… ker-plop!… In over your head! A person’s got to stick to the good old proprieties, always and everywhere, that’s what I say! Once you start playing fast and loose, you stop giving a fuck about anybody or anything!… You don’t know which end is up!… You forget the way life’s supposed to happen… once you let out all the stops there are no more surprises!… Reasonable social rules are there for a purpose! Once you flout and confuse them… you’re headed for disaster!… When I was a kid back in the Passage, my mum constantly preached about keeping my nose clean… I can still hear her voice ringing in my ears… “First you steal an egg, then a cow, then you end up murdering your mother!…” She didn’t mince her words… I repeated them now in my helpless confusion… That was a warm-up exercise… They were perverts… I had a more or less clear picture of the situation… but I got fouled up in the details!… I had a hard time sorting out what’s true from what’s not! I didn’t have much experience in the ways of the world… I was a little wet behind the ears… the trickery of people in refined circles… plus the type of man her uncle was… his English eccentricities… that had a lot to do with it… a hell of a lot… at such an awful moment when the war… social conditions had turned the whole world topsy-turvy… morals were out the window… customs too… everybody said so, including Cascade… Once you start talking crap it takes one hell of an effort not to lose touch completely… you’ve got to hang tough!… Through the mazes and mirages… I didn’t want to say another word… The Tweet-Tweeters, when all was said and done… after some thought… maybe they weren’t so incredible!… Maybe it was just a cheerful little night spot! Lively lovely liberated, end of story!… A weird crazy nightclub… nothing more… Maybe O’Collogham was one of the crew?… A dedicated honorary club member?… What if I popped the question? I didn’t know… I just had my hunches about everything!… Maybe he also walked down those steps to have himself a blast?… And he knew Ten-Paw? His smell… his rags… and together they used to treat themselves to one hell of a good time… real screams, the pair of them… maybe I was the unlucky one weighed down by some sort of rotten gloom?… I was some dopey down-in-the-mouth weirdo?… A killjoy pain-in-the-butt sourpuss? A sorry-assed grouchy gimp? A whiny wet blanket? A pathetic party-pooper?…

  Ah! I could really bring people down in the dumps!

  Maybe I was spitting in the wind?…

  I sort of kept my eye on the Colonel… My old trusty sidelong glance… He started twitching something awful… practically ripping out his underarm dress shields… clawing himself mercilessly… rip!… Rip!… Like that! Plus a scowl at the same time!… He rattled the place settings, all the doodads the tablecloth… sent everything flying into the sauces, his monocle, the spoons, even the corkscrew after one horrible spasm… he was having a fit… And then he turned all nice and pleasant again… in a snap… smiling all around… his attack over… lasted just a second… I blushed at each mishap… thinking about the little one… my eyes on her… I turned red as a beet… it was really unbearable… with all that had happened… I couldn’t take any more… I got up again… stepped out in the hall… paced up and down… wandering this way… and that… going… coming back… walking off my embarrassment… While strolling around aimlessly I stumbled upon Sosthène and the Colonel by surprise… their little plot… they were sneaking each other rascally little winks… I caught them at it in the mirrors… They thought they were so cunning… bastards!… They were setting up some nice little job for me… Ah! I was brought up short! There was no mistake!… I saw through their scheme!… But I’m not as dumb as I look… Whenever I’m cornered and look like a goner I let my animal instincts take over and fight tooth and nail to the bitter end, incredibly ferocious… hyped up!… I dig my heels in and go at it… I come out swinging something awful!… Nobody’d better count me out!… You crazy jerks, I’ll make you piss blood!… My mind was made up!… Even if the bastards showed up twelve dozen strong, and a hundred thousand times slicker… I’d make them gobble down their load of shit… crawling on all fours!… Streaming in their tears!… That’s the way the world works! The cry from the heart! The iron law!…

  Your guess what happens next.

  *

  OK then, great! Great!… My mind’s made up! I concentrate, become two-faced!… He who laughs last laughs loudest! They sent me off on my errands, run right down the list, pronto, in a snap, flitting between buses, charging ahead, running like mad, whipping my bum leg along, not a single second gone to waste… I’m a new person. I’ve become a different young man, I’m not myself any more, diligent, punctual, neat and tidy. Beyond reproach.

  Virginia doesn’t come with me any more. Our gallivanting days are over.

  I see her only at mealtimes at the other end of the table, we trade two-three friendly words… That’s all!… As though nothing had happened. The dignified face people slap on existence is ugly as sin. The Colonel’s eyeing me sideways, we both have our guard up. Cat and mouse. Sosthène’s all put out because I’m in no mood to chat.

  When we go up to hit the hay, he’s full of stories, I keep mum, snore, he can go fuck off… His monologue’s a flop.

  In the afternoon if my shopping takes me into Rotherhithe I go up and see Pépé, I always find her in the same condition, tipsy or all but, and still very much in love.

  “Where’s Sosthène?”

  It’s eating away at her.

  “He was my cross! He owes me paradise… he’s a monster, young man!… A monster!…”

  I bring her five shillings six every week for her expenses. I don’t give her the Willesden address… that’d be the end of everything. I don’t run into Nelson any more… nor the young milkman. Thus time goes by… one week… then two… then three… Of course I couldn’t call them pleasant… they’re full of suspicion and worry… even so we’ve got a place to stay… food on the table… but no goofing off… noses to the grindstone in short… both of us… Sosthène works at the gadgets… and sensible me runs the errands… no more scenes… no more carrying-on… He worked long into the night up under the rafters… I turned in around ten… He had a late bite with the Colonel… came up to bed around midnight. One night I was snoring away!… And here he comes excited as hell shaking my bed… beside himself… I’ve got to listen to him!

  “Do you know?…” he says to me. “Or don�
�t you? The trials are in a week!”

  “All! Good news!…” I answer. “So, you happy?”

  “Happy!… Ah! Happy’s not the word!…”

  My cockiness takes his breath away… He thinks I’m an outright monster.

  “You’d send me off to my death? Doesn’t mean a thing to you, does it, of course…”

  “Ah! I’m not sending you off any goddamn where!”

  “Ah! You’re not sending me off any goddamn where!… Now the gentleman’s acting cynical!… And what if I kick the bucket… would it suit you just fine? You wouldn’t give a damn, would you?… Not a goddamn? Ever since you got back from your bender, you’ve hardly said a word to me!… Come on, admit it!… Hardly a word!… You treat me worse than a dog!… I don’t exist any more!… But I’m the one taking all the risks, Mr Romeo!… While you’re throwing yourself into a life of vice, Mr Romance! You’d be tickled pink to see me croak!… You’d have peace and quiet at last!… You’re not much for other people’s opinions, Mr Romeo! You’re hearing it from my own lips!…”

  Ah! He was going a little too far!…

  I snap back: “But think of my situation, Mr Pain-and-Suffering… think about me, I nearly kicked off myself! You no-good dirty tongue-tied freak! You weren’t in my shoes! Go on, get the hell out of here! Out! Beat it! I’m not the certified engineer! You are! Leave me the hell alone!”

  I was straight frank and upfront… I dotted my Is.

  “Yes, but,” he retorts, “you’re real happy with the loot. You don’t let anybody have a taste of your stash. Isn’t that right, my little hickey! And your cock’s had a grand old time too! And now you’re gussied up like a prince!” He was really dishing out the insults!…

  “Ah! Mr Asshole Sosthène, you’re pushing it! You’re way the hell out of line! I’m going to put you back in your place!…”

  “Well, just take a look at this delicate lad! And so what about the little girl, my wonderful young man? A child! Nice going! A sex maniac for all ages! Or I don’t know what I’m talking about! Who needs to be an engineer, Mr Migraine! You’re an early bloomer!…”