London Bridge

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  Busy… busy… busy bee!…

  Ah! I’m not going to bide my time for ever… just wait, my darling honey bee!… When I spy her I hit the floor… she’s putting away some small utensils… skipping and prancing… I get a good look at her… flitting among the closets! Everywhere at once! Ah! My busy bee!… No more tummy aches, no more dizzy spells!… Ah! Now that was extraordinary! That I had seen her so nauseous… and in such a bad state at the Tweet-Tweet Club… now all brave, composed… What farce? What music? Carefree, wiggling about, getting down to work… and mischievous to boot… Here’s Sosthène calling her over… a stitch in his mask… The trials are going on… Ready for the gases! He takes the opportunity to fondle her… Ah! The lecherous rheumy creep! I’ll cop a feel!… He moves his hand between her thighs… he spanks her like that for laughs… in her panties… Ah! The dirty bastard!… And she’s chuckling, she’s wriggling, the slut! Ah! I’m dazzled, I see blood! They’re taunting me, my word! Ah! Well I never! I explode… I’m flabbergasted by dizziness… I get up… everything’s swirling around me! The window creases, zigzags… I wanted to open it, I’m boiling, smoking… Now they’re playing with steam! They’re having fun in the back… they’re talking… I can see them… scheming… this all has got to end!… Have to put my trousers back on… I’d like a little chat with them too! Just a word or two with those out-and-out perverts, and then I’d kidnap the girl! Just snatch her away! And trot her over to Curlers’s… trot – what am I saying? – gallop! Ah! My mind’s made up! But my butt’s too cruddy! They take advantage of it… they’re grinding iron, crushing the forge! You should hear their fury!… That’s not going to keep me from zigzagging past! But first I’ve got to scrub myself clean! Ah! That’s the big snag! I’m sticky, so God-awful sticky… I can’t show up in front of them looking like this! I squat back down, coil my body into a ball… From twenty yards off they barrage me with their gas… attack sprays!… Ah! You just wait and see, clowns!… Now they’re adjusting their masks! It’s the big tryout! Here we go, they want to suffocate me!… The girl is adjusting the masks on their heads… Ah! Some tough customers they’ll make on the battlefield!… Hacking… about time for me to butt in!… Crouched behind the autoclave I keep my eyes peeled… wind myself tight… I can see their little game I don’t miss a trick… in a cloud Sosthène and the kid… To adjust his mask she climbed onto a chair for a better reach… her thighs… her strong lovely calves… He’s getting a good whiff of her… right up close to his nose… Ah! I’m keeping tabs… he sticks a finger in her, works it around… that’s the way he is… feeling her up… feeling… and whack-whack-whack! On her behind!… And that makes her laugh… they both sneeze and start over… Ah! The girl’s a little monster too, an unholy terror! Ah! Such sleaze! You had to see them carrying on… the little cock-teaser shaking and wiggling her ass around… and me stuck there fretting my heart out!… Crazy bastard!… The sight of that pair! The sassy vixen! And me there covered with shit… Ah! Heartbroken I flatten out, hunker down farther… I’m completely useless, powerless… he draws her into the other corner… I can’t see a thing now… they’re hidden by the billows… a thick acrid steam… inside they’re sneezing and coughing… her uncle’s whacking away at the anvil with all his might… Bang! Bang!… Sosthène ought to lend a hand… it’s an awesome racket… the jolts wiggle and quiver me from head to toe… I jump out from behind the autoclave, as is, in the raw! Devil-may-care! “Man your horses! Horseshoes almighty!” I bellow. “Now you’re going to see some action! To your horses! Bing! Bang! Bam! You’re going to learn a thing or two! Man your horses! Into the hail of bullets! Bang! Boom! I’m all ready! Climb right on! And let me take off! My horseman for an empire!” I have a fire in my belly! I’ve got to do something, my four paws are burning for action! I’m stamping around like crazy! Whipping my tail, digging my hooves, snorting! My blood’s surging up from my balls, a rush that throws me in a spin, swelling my whole head top to bottom! I’ll show these oafs! My guts are flip-flopping around inside, lashing me… I stand, rear, face forward! Whoops! Here I go! Belly up! All four hooves in the air! Slipped out from under me! What can you do, battle is battle! They’re defying me! Hell! Hell! Look at those three! Those hundred mouths of fire! If only I can stand I’ll get out of this jam! I’m glued down again… my butt crack’s sticking… where’re my undershorts?… They can see me!… My fiery nostrils!… I’m wailing in the fray. They dig down, fire another blast of their dense gas!… Let me at those swindlers! I’m greased lightning!… Tough luck! I’ve taken on new form! You damned freaks! Turn your cannons! A powerful new form! And with the Colonel on my back!… He climbed onto my vest… me down on all fours… on all fours! And stark naked except for the vest… Let me at those squadrons of abductors! My love is unwavering!… A fanfare of trumpets!… I’m quivering… The great moment has arrived! The charge! Pull out all the stops! Let me run your horse to death!… Right off, the Colonel’s voice… my own colonel, des Entrayes, my commanding officer! He mounts me in his breastplate! Ah! He’s a first-class cavalryman! He weighs two hundred pounds! One hell of a lot of guts! And the squadrons follow right behind! At his command! And what stupendous leather lungs on that guy! His voice booms above the cannonade… the other pack of crackerjacks are bombarding us with blasts of gas… Ah! They’re totally possessed too… Ah! now ringing out from every corner… treacherous chimes, battering bells!… Clang out your chorus, you horseshoed rascals! And let his tremendous voice strike a vibrant chord that will shake heaven to its foundation! Let the stars fall into my eyes! His tremendous voice snuffs all in its path! One mighty booming roar! The mere echo panics me! I whinny! Race ahead twice as fast! The coon’s ploughing his spurs into me! Rending my sides! “Chaaarge! Chaaarge!” Nothing blocks his path… And it’s amazing to see the way the brigade tears along! Tra-lay-ree-day-ra!… we hurtle upon them like greased lightning… The hypocrites are holed up way far at the other end of the joint! The pair of them, my kidnapper monsters! All three of them – the Englishman, Sosthène, plus my two-timing treasure! Why, it looks like they’re turning tail to me! Ah! An outrage! They’re not going to flee before the charge, are they? Hell for leather, greased lightning, we’re not advancing even two… three… four yards!… Their spell’s knocking the power out of our thighs… Yet des Entrayes defies them, standing up in his stirrups… which, by definition, are yours truly’s!… Arched on my saddle… He’s magnificent, naturally!…