London Bridge

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  “That’s no reason… that’s no reason…”

  Such a numbskulled son of a bitch!…

  “You’re a stupid ass!… A stupid ass… you just don’t get it!”

  “Get what?”

  He wound up rattling me with his something’s-cooking routine!

  “So what is it? Spit it out… What’s the big deal?”

  “The big deal is that we’ve been had!” he snaps back. “Isn’t that good enough for you, sweetheart?”

  “Not in my book we aren’t! You’re talking crap! You just want some attention! Wake me up some other day!”

  “You too blind to see the moon? Too blind to see that this is all one big plot? That we’re dead and buried! We’re history! A dream! No? This is all news to you?”

  “You’re full of bull, bonehead! Full of bull!”

  I stayed upbeat as long as possible, I didn’t get in such moods often… I was bringing him down, real down.

  “I don’t know whether she’s pregnant, but you’re dumb as they come!” He rattled his bed, literally going ape in his hysterics. I was pushing him over the edge.

  “Go ahead! Turn on the light! Let’s hear it! Start babbling! This way you won’t have woken me up for nothing! Come on! I’m all ears!”

  I wanted to know the whole story, see just how interesting it was.

  “Look how late it is! Two o’clock! Do you always get your fits this time of night? Can’t you do your blubbering in the afternoon? Don’t you ever feel like dancing every once in a while? You want your gown? You want me to do some click-clacks for you! You want to shoot more of your bull? You want me to go out for some ice cream?”

  I was trying to pick a fight with him.

  He could just barely slit his eyes open, they were practically sealed, swollen twice their size with red and blue shiners. He kept fiddling at them with his fingers, and they were bleeding. He’d been messed up pretty badly. I get up, moisten a towel for him, and take it back over…

  “Go ahead! Come on… did you have a bad dream?”

  All said and done, I just wanted him to make up his mind, dump his load of crap and be done with it! Considering it bugged him so badly he couldn’t sleep.

  “Ah! You don’t know! Ah! You don’t know!”

  It looked like everything he had on his little brain overwhelmed him. Legs crossed, he rocked back and forth, dabbing at his eyes.

  “Well?… Well?…”

  At last he starts getting it out.

  “I’m certain he’s ratting on us to the cops!”

  So that’s what was eating away at him so much, he’d thought it all through!

  “Well, now,” I go to him… “you’re one hell of a clever devil! so where’d you come up with that one, you sly fox?”

  Myself, I couldn’t have cared less one way or the other.

  “That’s the reason you woke me up, you bum? Ah! Cripes, you’ve got some nerve!”

  Fuck, he gave me a laugh sitting over there on his bed… a scrawny bag of bones… belly matted with hair… brick red… so skinny you could count all his ribs… He looked like Gandhi in a way… but minus the hook nose, his was more of a trumpet job…

  Ah! He was positive the Colonel, with all his weird wacky ways, was selling us out to the fuzz… one of Sosthène’s brainstorms… it came to him during the night just like that – pow – and he couldn’t sleep any more…

  “So why’s he ratting on us?”

  Ah! He thought I was such a damn pain in the neck with my brainless questions!

  “Does Mr Twit speak English?” It aggravates him that I spoke English… “Now I don’t speak English!… But I know my England! Since 1870, mister! And the Indies too! And Baluchistan and Bengal! And Egypt! And Palestine! I’ve been places, young man! The Moluccas! And the Falklands! So that just goes to show you that I know lots of people and the Crown Colonies of the British throne! Plus big-time entertainers! Sharing the same bill! Little Tich! And Barrymore! Senior! And lords and prime ministers! And Thornycroft! Yes, Thornycroft! I’ve said the name! Yes, the engineer! And General Booth!* That’s right, mister, take it from me! This Colonel of yours is a vampire! He’s sucking our blood at this very moment! Tomorrow he’ll dump us right in the hands of the cops!”

  “Just hold on there, he’s not mine! You’re the one who picked him up from the paper!”

  Ah! I was pissed! Now he was linking me to the Colonel!

  “Come on, you worship the guy, don’t deny it, he’s your daddy-in-law!”

  “Chink, you’re soft in the head! Where’d you come up with him squealing on us? In dreamland?”

  “Could be, pimp! But since you’re such a smart alec… where is Colonel O’Collogham right this second? Take a little guess, Mr Funnyman?”

  “I’d say he’s out on the town, I’ve already told you, the guy’s having a good time… taking his mind off things… he’ll take a taxi home… Right now he’s under the table… enjoying life… he’ll come back with the milkman… in his little truck… Giddy-up horsey!…”

  “Ah! A sly one you are, you little sap! Let me explain where things really stand. Even as we speak the Colonel is having a good time, oh yes indeed! But not how you think! And in a way you won’t find so funny! He’s feeding his face, fair enough! But with the Inspector! He’s telling him terrific stories! Choice gossip! Ah! You haven’t heard the last of it, my fearless wonder! My courageous Tommy! Ah! One terrific tale! He’s unloading himself, all right, the cuckold! He’s pulling some rotten trick on us! The gall of the man! What nerve! He’s letting us really have it! I’m telling you, he’s bad news! He plays it close to the chest! And for keeps! In one sneaky slippery move, wham! He lands us behind bars!… If you had my experience you’d see things my way… Don’t have to have second sight, or know English… That’s the way it is, and no other! The Inspector’s not bored!…”

  But I did see things another way. I saw the Colonel out on some wild bender, trying to forget his worries, to buck himself up a little before the trials… he wasn’t as screwy as people thought… he was scared shitless like everybody else…

  “No, you’ve got it wrong… it’s Scotland Yard. The others showed up to rub it in… stoolie and friends!… Don’t you get the deal?”

  My stupidity was driving him up the wall!

  “You make love, sure! But don’t stick your nose in serious business! You can get it up! And that’s all you know! It’s a rotten shame when a person’s caught with his pants down! I can smell their plans! I don’t have my head in a pussy!”

  “So I’ll call the girl then…”

  “You want to turn our lives into a living hell! Watch your step, you poor son of a bitch! You’re heading for disaster!…”

  “OK, but why’s he snitching on us?…”

  I just wanted to know once and for all.

  “Ah! Geez, you’re slow, you poor kid! Ah! Really! You’re damaged all over! It wiped out your smarts! You never worked for them!… You’re not wise to their ways! No! But I have worked for them! And not for a year, but for ten, for twenty. I always went without. ‘Monsieur Sosthène de Rodiencourt’s a crook!’ That’s what they called me if you want to know! I raked in fortunes for them! With my feet and my head! I’ve roamed deserts for those gentlemen, dug so damn deep down I thought I’d never come back up, all for those chowderheads! Had to have worked for them to understand! I’d have so many treasures I wouldn’t know what the hell to do with them if they hadn’t cleaned me out! Like robbers on a dark night! And each and every time! In the Indies I left millions behind! Whether drumming up business! Or in the music hall! Everywhere the same old Royal Army Service Corps! You get rooked and you can’t say a word! They sell you down the river! After squeezing out every last drop! As soon as you make their profit! Refund, my balls! Open and shut! You’re not a member of the club! Bring it here, boy! Bring it here! You’re a dog in their eyes! Rover! Pow! A swift kick right in the kisser! That’s your cut! Back in the doghouse! Scram! You show up and l
aze around! Plop! Your ass is behind bars! ‘He’s a raving lunatic!’ They’re positive! ‘He’s a foreigner! He’s mad!’ That’s the line they’d take once they owed you dough! They start hassling the hell out of you over the pettiest crap, so you’ll charge around like crazy! You never got anything to show for it! And when the time comes to divvy up the take, you wind up empty-handed! You’re dead broke! Robbed blind! You wake up on a pile of damp wet straw! With a police record on your ass! Cos the fruits of your labour have turned into a heap of dung on you! You’re afraid to look yourself in the mirror any more! They let you have a wooden pitcher!… That’s Jackal and Company!… I know what I’m talking about! I know them! From here to Westminster I have my sneaking suspicions about their game! Birds of a feather! Our Colonel’s got just one obsession – feeding his face on disaster! His kind’ve already given me a taste of the way they operate, you know! And keep in mind, same difference all over! Whether you deal with them in Pondicherry, Soho or in Plymouth!… Th! Th!… as you pronounce so well! They’re all double-crossing bloodsuckers! You jump to it, gentlemen! They skin you alive! That’s what a foreigner means to them, a hide for their boots! I’ve been through the mill! I’ve paid the price! I can see the whole thing coming! It’s a crying shame!”

  “So what’s this dough he wants to keep all for himself? The subsidy for the masks? The guy’s loaded!”

  “He never wants to set eyes on us ever again, that’s all! He’s sick to death of your crazy cock!… He’s jealous, don’t forget it! He knows how to cover up, he’s a genuine Fregoli.* You think he’s an iceberg! Wham, you’re handing him just what he wants! A nice big scalpel! And he’ll drink your blood! He’s got deep dark secrets to his personality, and I know all about them!… Remember the riding crop! What he dished out to the kid! It shapes their character! The taste runs in their family!”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “Don’t look for answers! It’s sheer perversion! Keep your eyes open! You’re laying yourself open, on top of everything else! You’re barrelling along! Ploughing his niece! Wait till you see what he’s got up his sleeve! Your nostrils’ll pop inside out! You’ve no idea how underhanded a person he can be!”

  I was starting to get a funny feeling, I have to admit…

  “The second he’s fed up, he’ll have a thousand and one opportunities to be up to his tricks! Go on, out! You bums! So many ways to choose! Haul off these prowlers! I’ve no idea where they came from! The Yard never asks questions when it comes to foreigners! Get out! Throw this riff-raff in the clink!…

  “‘Spies, you say?’

  “‘Just think about it for a minute! You bet they are! People fussing around with inventions!… Lurking around patents! Scum from hell!’ They’ve abused the Colonel’s trust! He’s delighted! And how! He hams it up! He’s the one who wheeled and dealed the whole thing. Like that just at the right time! All for him, all in his bag, glory and cold hard cash! ‘How about this war! A horrid business, isn’t it? Washing up villains from every corner of the earth! Get rid of them, dear constable! I hand them over to you in person! All for the defence of the Empire! And the victory of King George! Go on! Let them hang!’

  “And this really gets their mouths watering! It’s the latest craze, the latest madness! Who doesn’t have his own little spy! Or big one! In a mask! In black from head to toe! Ah! I ask you now! The cops don’t give a shit about some pimp! Some old jailbird! But two spies in one swoop! Now that’s a prize package! Nowadays that puts a cop a cut above the rest! It beats pickpocketing by a long shot! Don’t you have even a tiny little idea?…”

  Yeah, a tiny one, but still he had to be hallucinating! He always put the blackest spin on everything! His big shortcoming… Plus, Curlers and gang had totally rattled him. All their mysterious mumbo-jumbo had given him the willies. I can say for myself that seeing Ten-Paw again had given me a turn too! But I knew what I was dealing with… I was a victim of mirages!

  “I’ve got to fill in Virginia!” is what I decide. “If something bad happens to us she’s got to be told.”

  But Sosthène was against the idea: “I’m telling you they’re in cahoots, you jerk!”

  His great fear!…

  He woke me up over it so I’d shit my pants too!

  “So just come right out and tell him you’re dumping the whole thing!… Come up with some excuse!…”

  No answer.

  “You’re not going over to Wickers, are you? let’s hear it, you skunk!”

  He was chickening out. He didn’t answer yes or no. Just sat there with his legs crossed on his bed. Just kept nodding his head like a Buddha, an ape… “What the hell do you take me for! Out with it, right now!”

  I’d been pushed to the limit at last.

  “What kind of mess did you land us in? You just wait and see the Colonel’s reaction!”

  “Hold on! Hold on! You’re a lucky SOB! What risk are you running, my good-for-nothing bum! If it doesn’t work, you don’t give a damn! You’ve got your cushy set-up! You’re not out there sniffing! I’m the one who kicks the bucket! Not you! And if it works, all the better! Either way you win! Ah! You’re pretty damn cynical! The war’s screwing up your life! But you’ve got every reason to be thrilled! I’m the one who’s the victim here!”

  That makes him start bawling again, his whole body racked by sobs, he soaked his sheets.

  “So what about the Vegas? Stop believing in them, or something? The whole Goa song and dance was just a load of crap, is that it?”

  I was galling him. I wanted him to snap out of it and stop his snivelling, to buck up just a little.

  “So you admit it then, it was a bunch of bull? You wanted me to sniff too? That was the trick? Own up, come on! Let’s hear it!…”

  He didn’t answer a word.

  “Ah! When it comes to first-class bums, you’re one for the books! You led us into a mess! You string us along and then dump us at the first sign of trouble! Ah! It’s the most stinking-rotten thing I’ve ever heard of! You can be proud! You look like a total idiot!”

  True, when you got down to it, he was the one who’d engineered the whole scheme, we’d wheeled and dealed with that screwball, collected all the equipment, this unholy shambles, the masks and the rest, and the only way we’d get out of it now would be with a trip behind bars, the situation was so damned complicated, things were taking a turn for the worse… Matthew, Wickers… the fuzz!… Curlers… the spies… the Consulate… too much all at once! And on top of everything else, the Ghosts! We might just as well throw in the towel! And on top of everything, my poor darling knocked up right at that very moment… All the shit hitting the fan at the same second! Ah! Perfect timing!… What a coincidence!… We were really racking up our run of rotten jinxes! Ah! I was proud of my successes! Romeo the screw-up! I didn’t have a thing to brag about… It was my fault, and then again it wasn’t… I’d given in to my impulses… Normally I wouldn’t have laid a finger on her, when all calm and in control… right from the start I loved her too much… I admired her beauty… starry-eyed, I respected her… happy under her spell… her kindness… her cheerfulness… I wouldn’t have hurt a hair on her head with all my carryings-on… What it had taken was the Tweet-Tweet Club! The drunken binge! The circumstances, exhaustion… I got the whole picture now… it was my head especially that had whacked out on me… a fit of panic, and I’d pounced on her… Now I got the whole picture… I wasn’t a hundred per cent to blame… Didn’t matter, I was still responsible… I didn’t try to wriggle out of it… I said as much to Sosthène again…

  “My head’s a little fuzzy… but I’m responsible! No argument! It’s written in black and white on my discharge forms. ‘Trepanned, mental spasms, but responsible.’ I won’t deny it. Honour and conscience! It runs in the family.” He gazed at me with his totally blank, weepy eyes.

  “Yes, that’s right, I’m still proclaiming it! You woke me up, and don’t you forget it! I’ll never abandon her! You woke me up, listen to
me! I’m not made of the same stuff as you! I’m no fiasco, I keep my word! Wounded! Trepanned! Dead or alive! That’s the way we are, the men called up in ’14!” That shut him up but good.

  “I’m no quitter. I’ll be the child’s father! That’s the way I am!”

  That crack made me proud…

  “Poor brat! You’re a child yourself! What are you babbling about?”

  Ah! I’d riled him up.

  “I’m not ditching anything, for Christ’s sake!”

  He was rattling the bed to pieces in his wild fury.

  “Ah! you’ve gone too far! I’m not going to sit here and be insulted! Watch your words! You snotnose! You little squirt!”

  He snaps to, beside himself, rolling his eyes!

  “Ah! You’ve stopped your tears now!” Ah! I’m splitting my sides! “Temper, temper, temper!”

  But he wasn’t laughing along.

  “Repeat that! Repeat that! I didn’t quit on anything! You’re a lying son of a bitch!”

  He’s beside himself.

  “Mister, your Vegas are a load of crapola! Your Chinese gown! Your jig! Your wriggly nose! You’re a chicken-shit lama! Nyah! Nyah! Nyah! Nothing but a swindler. You didn’t pull anything over on me! With your lousy masquerade! Bungler! Digging up a bigger jerk than you would be some job!” Ah! I was deeply wounding him, he was giving me his dead-fish stare. Sly devil!

  “Young man! Young man! You’re mad! You’re raving on like a lunatic! I’m listening to you! It’s demented! You’re sick in the body! You’ve suffered! That might be one excuse! Your mind’s not worth much! But your sickness runs deeper! Your heart’s not in the right place!”

  “Not in the right place! Ah! Not in the right place!”

  I jump back.

  “Take that back, or you’re history! I’ll smash you right in the face with this piss pot!”

  If he keeps it up, I’ll slam him with the chamber pot!

  “Big chicken! Slouch! Lazy bum!”

  He springs over to the clock, grabs it, he’s going to defend himself… “Just try it again!” he goes to me… “Just try!”