London Bridge

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  The big ape gets pissed off, jumps down from the barrel, climbs back up, calls them every horrible name in the book! He nabs me with his fist, drags me off, wants to have a one-on-one.

  We go all the way to the back, dash behind the helm into this little hut.

  Once he’s inside there’s room for nothing else… his huge body packs the place full. He shuts the door after us. I’m squished up against the wall… He barks right into my face.

  “Money? Money? How much?”

  He really wants to know just exactly how much I got on me. I don’t want to lie.

  “No money!”

  But I’ve got my resources, plenty to fall back on, have to keep that in mind.

  “Prospero! Prospero! Money!”

  That’s the honest truth. He promised.

  He shakes his head. He doesn’t believe me.

  “Papers? Papers? You got papers?”

  Ah! Papers! Sure we got them! Of every kind and country! Little ones, big ones and not just the ones we’ll need!… Always the same!… Real passports, real visas… They don’t fool around at emigration… Those cops are the pickiest SOBs… real sticklers over IDs! Especially us with the little girl… My little Virginia, so young… pure stowaway stuff… Ah! Such a tall order!

  “Papers! Papers!… Ah!”

  I chatted him up a little… tried to clue him in on the delicacy of the situation… said we’d be getting hitched as soon as possible… first thing after we landed… it was thumbs up, all decided… I want to warm his heart…

  “Yop! Yop! Yop!” he brushes me off. “No females! Body! No females on board!…” He’s blunt, the filthy slob! His refusal stabs me like a knife… I’m not going to leave my Virginia! Ah! No way in hell! He gets a kick out of my distress!

  Glug! Glug! he goes right in front of my face… a loud noise against the roof of his mouth… an enormous gurgle… just like that, the fish… doesn’t give a damn about anybody…

  Glug! Glug!

  That means I ought to laugh too. Don’t feel like…

  “No passport?” He doubles up, howls, haws. “Passport!… Glug! Glug!…”

  He ogles me up real close… practically touches me with his fat kisser. He rolls his eyes. He thinks I’m some off-the-wall kook with this family trip of mine.

  “No? No? No money? Impossible!”

  “Why impossible?”

  I press hard, damn it!

  “Women, no! Old fogy, no!…”

  Real cruel terms. Glug! Glug! That’s what I think.

  But as for me alone, well now, he’s all for that!

  “You!…” He accepts me. He signs me on!

  “With other guys! Come on! Crew! Crew!”

  I see what he means. I’ve got all the luck. He taps out a bouncy number up on his little table… whistling… thrilled… absolutely delighted… but he bangs his head against the deadlight… the little room rattles, the ceiling’s too low for him… he arches over, keeps up his jig anyway… Clip clop bam!… I can see he’s signing me on cheerfully. He’s glad, I belong to him… he can see me even now up in the masts… busy striking the foresails… a head-case recruit!… Better than nothing… anything is… I’m hired. But no Virginia! No Sosthène! Ah! No ifs ands or buts about that! Ah! I still felt sore at him. I show him my arm again, up real close right under his nose, scars and all, so that he won’t get any wrong ideas, a limp gimp, a stump worse than his own, with no hook, a totally bum flipper.

  Never mind! Never mind! No problem! I should just come! By myself, mind you! He took me as I was. In La Plata, in South America, he’d get me fitted out with a hook. He swore, a done deal! He promised me clear sailing.

  “The war!” he bellowed! “The war!” while fingering my scar! Just like that standing there against each other! “The war! Glug! Glug!”

  He hurt me something excruciating. Jammed in the way I was, I couldn’t get away. I howled even louder than he did. His fun kept growing. He worked me over passionately. I screamed bloody murder. He stamped his feet, a little lunatic at the sight of me writhing in agony. I was about to sink my teeth in his jowls, the hell with his strength! He wants to razzle-dazzle me again. Plop! He throws me to the foot of the small table… Pling! He nabs me by my undershorts! Plunk! He hoists me pop! Up by my joined feet, in a flash!… I’m astounded! I congratulate him! I go into raptures! I kiss him…

  “Everything OK?” I ask… “Everything fine?”

  I want to wrap this up. We’d been hashing it out in his tiny storeroom for an eternity. Back outside they must really have been wondering what we were kicking around. I could see real clearly that he was thinking hard. He burped right in my face.

  He’s still turning it over.

  “Aren’t you a cook?” The idea pops into his head. “All Frenchmen are cooks!”

  A brilliant stroke.

  “Oh yes! Oh yes!” I reply…

  What do I have to lose?

  “Good! Ah! Good! Fine!”

  He whacks me on my back so hard he practically knocks my limbs loose. We weren’t exactly talking gourmet ship’s fare here, I’d manage just fine. Ah! The perfect solution to my problems.

  “Voyash! Voyash!” he repeats…

  “You said it, Henri! I adore you!”

  “Yup! Yup! Certainly!” Three cheers for me! Whatever it takes to speed up the deal… We’d be sitting pretty! I’d turn into a mouse on the Hamsün!… It was our one chance in a thousand! Once I’d trans-shipped, I’d deal with America just fine… Just let me at those new chances and resources! Here it wasn’t worth the trouble! There was too much nasty business brewing… never knew what was around the next corner… We had to get the hell out… End of story, period. Hoist sails! You can say that again! An absolutely perfect opportunity! Ah! I wasn’t about to drag my feet!

  “All right, let’s go! Goddamn! Sherry! Oh, Frenchy!”

  “I’ll be there! Skip! I’ll be there!”

  A promise! A deal! We shake on it! One hell of a sailor! I’ll be there at 8.15! That’s when we set sail! Cross my heart! On the dot o’clock and all that jazz! Hurray! A new life! Now that’s not all! Mademoiselle, the geezer, disappear! To hell with those drags! Forget about them! Screw the old man! Screw the little girl! They can go fuck each other! A new life! A clean break! Piss and vinegar! All settled!

  I’m embarking by myself! Signed on, fuck it all! A free man! Let’s shoot the works! No backing out! They brought me bad luck! To hell with that deadweight! I understand my destiny! So long! I’m not a victim of my good heart any more!… Long live the future!… Freewheeling youth! Goodbye! I’m out of here! See you tonight!

  I was ready to dash off… He nabbed me. Ready to charge off and buy a shirt. He holds me back by my stump… He shows me the gang gathered around, squatting there, the entire crew, all the dockers in a circle around the barrel waiting for word… More mugs sticking up from the hold, out from the gangways… acrobats in the masts… everybody awaiting the decision…

  Then he booms into the heights, so that everybody on board can hear the news.

  “Froggy on his way! Froggy on the list! Ooh! Ooh!”

  Hurrahs, monster cheers from the depths to the mast tips, an explosion so fierce that the old tub shakes the water far and wide, sends waves sweeping across the whole dock, rippling all the way to the river.

  “Froggy on the list!”

  They’re slayed with hysterics, think I’m such a stitch, from the poles high in the sky down to the water’s surface, two topple over into the drink, convulsed with laughter. Never in their lives did they ever see a funnier bird than me on the list! From black to yellow, brown to green, they’re all trying to out-roar each other with their guffawing. The whole crew razzing me! Doesn’t really get under my skin. Could be a hell of a lot worse, as situations go. They even flash me smiles sort of. Maybe they think that’ll embarrass me… Ah! You’ve got another thing coming! Ah! Suckers! Ah! Go ahead and laugh! Ah! I’m in a laughing mood myself! He who laughs last laughs
loudest! Keep those faces smiling! Smiling! Boneheads! Dumb idiots! You haven’t seen anything! Miserable storm-tossed galley slaves! I’ll feed your faces, chow down my cooking! I’m sure you’ll just love it! I have visions of special treats, rats in shallot sauce! Rat croquettes! Just wait and see, my hardies! I’ve got great stuff! That’s what was going on behind my eyes, that’s what those fatheads were doing to me! I’ll get my turn! Booaahh! I bellow back… damn them!… Aping right back into their mugs. “Goons! Froggy tells you all to fuck off! Every last one!” That was no bull. Don’t worry! I’ll get my own back tonight! A promise was a promise. Goddamn smart-ass bastards! If you want fireworks, I’m your man! Laying into each other, you stinking oafs… The Skip and his roughnecks can all go and get stuffed! That’s what was running through my mind!… So they thought I was so wet behind the ears, well, they’d have a nice little surprise in store for them! They weren’t the first tattooed gang I’d run into in my life! I’d been around the block, and more than once! Ah! It was really getting my dander up! I could barely see straight for a second! Oh! Geez! The hooligans! I’d like to see them under barrage fire! Who’d be shit-scared then? Booah! Booah! I bellow back once more! Be seeing you! Fuck-ups! They don’t have what it takes to pull anything over on me! Chicken-shit toughies! I’d have liked to see them try! I’d be going, you bet! America, here I come! La Plata tooty-too! Yeah! I’d leave my crummy luck right here behind! This isn’t some little school kid’s dare-ya!…

  “I’ll shock you into shape!” I shot back at them! “I’ll make you pirouette through the air, that’s the kind of wallop my cooking’ll pack!” Primo chilli pepper! I show them the hot hard-on!… “You’ll jump right onto the moon! Your mouth’ll seagull you off and away! Bye-bye, swellheads!”

  With that I clam up. The skipper is gurgling himself to death… He never saw me lose my temper before. It’s the most hilarious thing in the world.

  Tough-guy routines turn me off…

  “See you tonight! Thugs! So long!”

  Now, on to the hard part! The touchiest… ditching the kid and the old fart… coming up with the right cover story… solid reasons… my devotion… my great hopes… the chief reasons… first, I go on ahead as a sailor… then they follow after… later on down the line… later on…

  They were waiting for me at the foot of the ladder. They were pacing back and forth… two hours long they’d been waiting… they’d had a real hard time with the sailors. Two of the cockiest drunks wanted to kiss Virginia… They had to make a run for it under a rain of jeers… Catcalls and curses poured down on them from every mast, plus humongous gobs of spit, green, yellow, huge loogies… In the end they escaped, huddled back in a warehouse. They were just coming out. Virginia totally shattered… my darling!… My tender heart… my lovely beauty!… The disgusting behaviour of those monsters! She was becoming quite delicate, inevitably so in her condition, fragile and sensitive! I did my best to console her!

  “Dear! They don’t know! Drunken dogs!”

  That was both true and not true. Men don’t need to be boozed up in order to ravage heaven and earth. Carnage’s in their blood! It’s a miracle they’re still going strong, given how long they’ve been trying to wipe each other off the face of the earth. Just got one thing on the brain – the void! Nasty customers, born to crime! They see red wherever they look. Mustn’t keep hammering away at this, it’d spell the end of all poetry.

  This bias against us put Sosthène back in the dumps. The hatred of the crew, drowning us in their spit, without the slightest provocation.

  “The bias of seafarers!” I explain right away. “They’re prejudiced! And it’d mean nothing at all, pops – nothing! – if they wanted to lay their hands on you out on the high seas! I mean, without a blink! They’d sack you right then and there!”

  I just tell him straight out.

  “Plus your age!”

  “Ah! Plus my age!”

  Damn! That dumbfounded him.

  “Say, you know, there are some guys on there, gnarled wrecks who’re three-four times older than me!”

  He was positive.

  “They don’t want the girl either…”

  “What about you?”

  “I’m in… well, as an extra hand… in the galley.”

  “Right! You’re taking off, no problem! You’re ditching us!…”

  That was the size of it.

  The news sort of dampened his mood, and he’d already been pretty much in a funk.

  “He’s going away!” he says to the girl.

  They both look at me… they don’t believe their ears right away… they look at the ship sitting over there… the painters out there caulking away… “He’s going away…”

  They’re crestfallen. They’d never imagined…

  “You’re right… you’re right… it’s a fine ship… And so, miss, what are we going to do?”

  That was the question.

  Virginia was looking away… into the distance over towards the other side… the other bank… just like that a blank gaze… Without a peep… nothing negative… she turns back towards me… darling face free of anger… even with a sweet smile… I can still see her through the mauve mist… just standing there pale as a ghost, staring at us… the wind in her hair… whipping along in shifting gusts… smearing everything… the few rays of sunshine… the mist… the rain… the mauve smoke… she had a dab on the tip of her nose… her tiny impish nose… like a cat’s… Ah! I can see it all again sharp as a picture… standing there on the dock… right against the ship… her smile… I’ll see it again, I do believe, once I cross over to the other side… to the other shore at the end of it all… pure magic… she didn’t utter a word against me… still ready to laugh off everything… but still and all, tired pale as a ghost… because of the state she was in, no getting around it…

  I take charge.

  “Come on, let’s hit the road!”

  My thoughts were on something hot to drink.

  “That’s what you both need! You can barely stand on your own two feet! Something to warm the cockles of the lady and gentleman! A grog! They’ve been conned!”

  I take them by the arm, haul them off. Yours truly is hell on wheels! A ball of fire! I wanted to make them swallow the hard part… explain to them affectionately that if I was going to leave just like that all by myself, sail off to La Plata in America, it was because I was setting up our future, I’d have it nailed down in no time… and I’d send for them immediately… you see, absolutely ideal, perfecto… and you had to admit my way was shrewder than all three of us landing like bums without a penny to our names… down-and-out emigrants… with three pounds fifty to our names!…

  No response.

  We were walking along arm in arm, through the blind alleys among the docks. They were pretty much against the idea… I could tell by their faces… they were real kind, enough to keep quiet about it, but underneath they felt upset. I wasn’t giving them any consolation whatsoever… But it just made plain sense, because if we landed together like that all at once we wouldn’t last long… it was absolutely crazy… they didn’t argue back… Just kept saying “yes”… “yes”… but I could see by their faces… they were thinking “no”… “no”…

  It was painful, how else could it be? Still and all, I wanted them to realize…

  She wound up crying, what with me yakking away right and left… my poor sweet little girl… too cruel for her to cope with… especially under these circumstances… staying behind alone with her relative in the big house in Willesden… with the masks, the carrying-on, plus his special thing for riding crops… not to mention the other character, Sosthène, who had come onto the scene… who was on his magic kick… that whole mess, plus being knocked up to boot… You bet it was no joke! But still and all you had to react some way somehow…

  “Come on! It’s not the end of the world!”

  I reacted.

  But supposing things don’t turn out so hot… and some sur
prise bad breaks come my way… supposing I flop… vanish without a trace… and nobody ever sees me again?… Just because you say “America” doesn’t mean it’s all going to work out! They were worrying me sick as hell with this little act of theirs, coming across like it was really all up to me to make up my own mind… So, sure, I was thinking hard.

  We were looking for our way… the little backstreets that would lead us out of the docks… It was a rat’s nest… mazes… buildings tall as any cliffs… brick top to bottom, with clefts, fissures… We thread our way along… At the bottom it’s all dark and gloomy… miles of zigzagging alleys… nothing but bricks, warehouses… all the west docks up to East Ham… Gives you something to chew over in your mind… As labyrinths go, this one is pretty awesome… I tried to get them to open up a little… They just kept saying “yes yes”, period. They agreed with my plan… not a word against me… not a single peep… Down in dead-end streets of this sort, walled in so tightly, so deep the sunlight pokes through patches of mist… flickering between mauve and blue… a soft inviting glow… which has you singing the blues, no denying it… and you listen to your moans sadly… I myself could start singing the blues after all… I could be all heartsick… I had my mournful reasons… I just kept them to myself, that’s all… I was discreet… but I could sing the blues… Plus my leg hurt… as much as the old fart’s did… and I had a hell of a time chugging along… plus my head and ear were killing me like usual… I start to hobble so they’ll notice… They don’t notice a thing… selfish jerks… I say so out loud… I try to pry some kind of reaction out of them… We’re walking around in circles from one street to the next… I say it again, louder this time… I deserve a pat on the back, when all’s said and done, for going off like that all by my lonesome!