Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook

by Michael Makai

  The type of rope you purchase for your BDSM activities should depend on what you plan to do with it. For most simple bondage play, solid nylon or cotton braid rope that is 3/8” or 7/16” in thickness is usually a good choice. Solid braid cord is often preferred over twisted braid for its ability to hold its shape when twisted into complex or twisted shapes. It also eliminates the need to remove the core from a twisted braid, since leaving the core can make it more difficult to tie secure knots; a 3/8” twisted braid rope with the core removed becomes a 1/4” hollow tube. For more advanced rope play, to include kinbaku and suspensions, jute or hemp is typically the preferred type of rope. A simple rope kit for novices should include two pairs of 10-foot lengths, one pair of 30-foot lengths, and at least one 50 to 60-foot length of rope. Rope pricing will vary widely, depending on the type of rope, braid, length, color, and any other unique properties. Rope that is specifically produced and sold for shibari purposes can be quite pricy.

  Straps are often used in lieu of rope in some kinds of BDSM bondage play. Since straps are difficult to knot, they are used primarily as connectors or restraining devices. For most types of bondage play, the same kinds of nylon or canvas cargo straps that you would purchase from any hardware store to secure items to your car or truck will work just fine. They come in a variety of utilitarian styles, which include ratcheting straps, flexible rubber straps and straps with built-in D-rings or O-rings. You can get specialty straps designed specifically for BDSM play from many fetish retailers but, for the most part, they offer no significant advantages over the hardware store variety and tend to be far more expensive.

  Chain, like the riding crop, is an iconic symbol of BDSM with a reputation which may or may not be entirely well-deserved. It is exceptionally good at supporting heavy loads, has great aesthetic qualities, and the psychological impact of chain is undeniable. On the other hand, chain can be heavy, unwieldy, and difficult to lug from place to place. Additionally, chain can oxidize or rust over time, which means it should be stored appropriately and lubricated at regular intervals. Adjusting the length of a chain typically requires heavy tools, and connecting a chain to anything else usually involves the use of hooks, shackles, pin-anchors, clevises, lock-links, snap links, carabiners, or padlocks.

  For very short lengths of chain which can be used creatively in a wide variety of ways, consider purchasing several lengths of stainless steel or chrome-plated dog choker chains from your local pet store or big-box retailer. These herringbone-style chains typically range in length from 8” to 28” and have strong O-rings suitable for snap-links at each end. They’re very affordable, lightweight, attractive, and extremely useful in all sorts of ways, particularly as connectors between cuffs and equipment or furniture. For more traditional types of chain, simply decide on the lengths and number of segments you’ll need and visit your local hardware store to talk to a salesperson about how to cut the spooled chain to the lengths you want to purchase.

  Ropes, straps and chains each have their own unique safety concerns that are the natural consequence of their design and utilization. Ropes, for example, are far more likely to be wound around portions of the body than straps or chains, and therefore pose a greater risk of impeding a person’s circulation or causing strangulation.

  Straps, on the other hand, may have hardware attached such as ratcheting gears that enable a strap to be tightened down very securely. A securing strap that is ratcheted down just a little too tight could easily suffocate a person through postural asphyxiation. It certainly doesn’t help that some of these ratcheting devices can be exceptionally difficult to release or loosen once there is a lot of tension on the strap. Always be sure to test out any strap-ratcheting mechanism - especially the quick release, if there is one - on an inanimate object before tightening one down on a live person.

  Chain presents us with a completely different set of concerns. Some types of chain can have an annoying tendency to pinch the skin under certain circumstances and, depending upon the degree of force applied, those pinches can sometimes turn into cuts and lacerations. Chain can also sometimes unexpectedly kink or bind in ways that alter the length of the chain in unforeseen ways. Obviously, if a length of chain that you were counting on to be a three-foot segment suddenly kinks up and turns into a two-foot length, it could be a potential problem. Chain is also incredibly unforgiving. There’s absolutely no flexibility in a length of chain, and rarely any padding to cushion or protect vulnerable parts of the body such as wrist joints, ankle joints, hip bones, tail bones, or ribs from harm. You should always closely monitor the spots where the chain comes into contact with bare skin, keeping a close watch for binding, bruising, pinching or any other unintentional discomfort.

  Another tip to keep in mind when using chain: some people can be very sensitive or even allergic to certain types of metal that come into contact with their skin. This sensitivity is common in women who are unable to wear jewelry that is made from anything but gold. In rare cases, even gold of low purity will trigger a skin reaction or infection; those women can only wear 18k or 24k gold jewelry. Try to imagine how the skin of someone who can’t even wear pure silver jewelry might react when it comes into contact with a chain made from a mystery metal alloy and coated with unknown chemical compounds used to deter rust in some backwater third-world nation.

  Spreader Bars

  Spreader bars are BDSM bondage devices which are designed to do one thing and one thing only: keep a Bottom’s legs spread wide apart to provide easy access to his or her naughty-bits. Spreader bars can range in design and quality from the homemade variety at one end of the spectrum to expensive, yet wonderfully functional works of art at the other end of the spectrum. The one thing they all have in common is their basic design; a spreader bar is essentially just a stick with rings at each end, to which ankle (or sometimes, wrist) cuffs may be attached.

  Lots of do-it-yourself kinksters construct their own homemade spreader bars simply by cutting a wooden broomstick or garden tool handle to the proper length, screwing sturdy eye-bolts into each end, and sanding down or covering any rough edges. Homemade spreader bars may not win any art awards but, for the most part, they work just like the high-end variety. If, on the other hand, you prefer not being reminded of your spreader bar’s previous life as a kitchen mop each time you use it, then you might want to consider shelling out $50 to $150 on one from an online specialty retailer.

  Top-of-the-line spreader bars often come with a variety of ingenious features that you probably won’t see on your typical mop-handle models. Those features and accessories may include the ability to adjust the length of the spreader bar as needed, swivel connectors at each end, designs that allow for disassembly into a very small package, built-in cuffs or shackles, customized locks, or the ability to attach other bondage accessories or parts of the body along its length. Spreader bars are typically constructed with steel or aluminum pipe, but can also be made from any sturdy material, such as wood or PVC pipe.

  There are few safety concerns, to speak of, that are specific only to spreader bars, other than a recommendation that you check your subject’s toes periodically for adequate blood circulation and numbness.

  Chastity Belts

  Chastity belts have been around for a very long time, although there is quite a bit of disagreement about how long and whether their actual use was consistent with the common myths about them that have persisted through the ages. Since none of that is really pertinent to our discussion here, we’ll just skip the history lesson and go straight to the good stuff. It is probably worth noting, however, that chastity belts have been and continue to be used for non-BDSM purposes in various parts of the world. In 1998, race riots in West Java compelled a significant number of ethnic Chinese women to wear chastity belts fitted with combination locks in public in order to avoid being raped by roving gangs of thugs. In 2007, the Asian Human Rights Commission published a study claiming that some women were being forced to wear chastity belts in rural parts of India. A
nd in 2008 in Batu, Indonesia, women who were employed in massage parlors were required by local authorities to wear locked chastity belts to prevent them from engaging in prostitution.

  The modern chastity belts which are used in BDSM play come in both male and female versions and in a wide range of styles. They can be designed for a variety of purposes, which may include preventing sexual intercourse, oral sex, stimulation or masturbation, preventing the removal of other devices or attachments, preventing or controlling urination or defecation, preventing an erection, or as a harness to restrict a person’s movements. They are commonly constructed from leather, PVC, or steel and can range in price from $50 to thousands of dollars. In 2002, a manufacturer in Cape Town, South Africa sold a gold chastity belt decorated with diamonds and pearls to an English customer for the equivalent of $16,000 USD.

  One of the more popular types of chastity belts used in BDSM play is the kind that serves as a reverse dildo harness. Unlike a traditional dildo harness, which holds a dildo in place to facilitate pegging a partner, these chastity belts are designed to hold the dildo, vibrator or butt plug in place inside the wearer of the device, and prevents it from being removed. Another popular type of chastity belt is designed primarily for the prevention of masturbation, and is used by some D/s couples as a form of discipline or in orgasm control play.

  When purchasing a chastity belt, you should always pay particular interest to what materials are used in its construction, and whether any attachments or accessories such as locks, links, wrist cuffs, dildos, plugs, or liners are included in the purchase price. Some designs will only function with additional equipment, such as padlocks, which may or may not be part of the deal. I know of at least one design that can’t be worn at all without using six additional padlocks. Something like that could easily add $50 to $150 to the price of your chastity belt purchase.

  Chastity belts have some very unique safety concerns which you should definitely be aware of before purchasing or using one. First, a chastity belt - regardless of whether it is a male or female version - is designed to come into contact with bodily fluids. It should, therefore, be fluid-bonded to a single individual, if at all possible. Keep in mind the fact that, if it is constructed of anything other than stainless steel, it will be near-impossible to adequately sterilize between uses. A chastity belt that is designed to hold dildos or butt plugs may also be susceptible to cross-contamination from the toys that it comes into contact with. Not only can this be a problem when it comes to chastity belt being used by more than one individual, but it can also be a potential concern for a single user if it allows harmful bacteria to be transferred from the anus to her vagina.

  A second potential safety concern involves the prolonged wear of chastity belts. Typically, chastity belts are used for short periods of BDSM play or discipline. Unfortunately, there’s always someone who pushes the limits of good sense and tries to keep his sub, slave or bottom in a chastity belt for extended periods of time. This is almost always a very bad idea. While it’s true that a chastity belt can be very good at keeping penises, hands and toys out of the wearer’s crotch, it can also be very good at keeping harmful bacteria in and creating the perfect environment for serious bacterial infections. There are no hard and fast rules for how long is too long when it comes to wearing chastity belts, but it’s generally a good rule of thumb to ensure that it doesn’t interfere with the wearer’s routine personal hygiene.

  The third and final tip is not so much a safety concern as it is a personal dignity concern. Never forget that it can sometimes be harder to unlock a lock, than it is to lock it. People sometimes do stupid or malevolent things. Keys get lost, jammed or broken off in the keyhole. Combinations get forgotten. Locks can malfunction. When something like that happens to you while wearing a chastity belt, it can add a whole new dimension to your predicament, depending upon where you are, who you’re with, and whether you have ready access to a heavy-duty set of bolt-cutters. One woman found herself wishing she had thought of that when her steel chastity belt, which her husband had padlocked onto her just before she left for the airport, set off security alarms as she passed through the metal detectors in December, 2003. She explained to the authorities that her husband had put her into the device because he was convinced she intended to have an extra-marital affair. Eventually, she was allowed to board the flight while still wearing her steel chastity belt, but if she thought her embarrassment would be over at the end of her travel itinerary, she was wrong. Six weeks later, she was mortified to learn that the incident had been reported in USA Today to the bemusement of millions of readers.

  Miscellaneous Household Items

  Invariably, when people first discover the joys of bondage, they begin to see ordinary household items in a whole new light. Suddenly, that dog chain is no longer just a pet accessory; it’s bondage gear. It becomes hard to look at a mop handle without thinking: spreader bar. And, of course, all of those tools and gadgets in the garage offer up endless possibilities. If such thoughts are dancing through your head right now, you can rest assured that it’s a perfectly normal thing; we’ve all been there. That doesn’t necessarily make it safe, however.

  The biggest danger in converting ordinary household items to BDSM use comes from subjecting items to stresses and conditions for which they were never designed. A dog leash that was designed to prevent a Yorkshire terrier from running into traffic simply isn’t meant to support the weight of an adult human being. Attempting to use it in that fashion can result in serious injury. Twine is designed to wrap packages, not for binding wrists and ankles. Using twine for bondage can lead to painful cuts and blocked circulation. Belts are designed to look good and hold up your pants. They make lousy bondage accessories.

  Just to be clear, I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with improvising your own BDSM bondage gear from ordinary household items. For example, I happen to be a huge fan of using ordinary Saran Wrap for an entertaining, playful and eminently affordable bondage scene. I would simply caution you, however, to be fully aware of the limitations of the items and materials that you are using, and to take proper precautions. When in doubt, rule it out.

  Impact Gear

  BDSM impact gear is used in kink activities that involve striking the body with an implement of some sort, usually - but not always - to cause pain. People also engage in impact play for a variety of other reasons. Those reasons may include role-play, humiliation, discipline, sensation play, the marks that they leave, the sounds that they make, and even for therapeutic reasons! Each type of impact toy has its own unique qualities and the impact sensations associated with their use can often be adjusted in intensity along a scale ranging from painless at one end to extremely painful at the other. For me, the truly fascinating thing about impact gear is that sometimes, an item can look a whole lot scarier than it really is while, other times, an item can actually be a lot more painful than it looks. Appearances can definitely be deceiving, when it comes to impact toys.

  Floggers

  A flogger typically consists of a short-handled whip with multiple tails or strips of leather, which are called “falls.” A flogger may also sometimes be referred to as a lash, scourge, or cat o’ nine tails. The most common designs are made from high-quality leather, but they can literally be made from just about anything. I have seen floggers constructed from a wide variety of animal hides, including elk, elephant, stingray, kangaroo, sharkskin, bison and Russian boar. In addition to common and exotic hides, some flogger designers create their falls from fur strips, chain-mail, horse hair, strings of beads, and other unusual materials.

  The quality and workmanship of floggers available commercially can range from novelty trash to exquisitely priceless one-of-a-kind items. At the extreme low end, you can find novelty floggers in most neighborhood adult novelty shops. These items are typically mass-produced imported novelties designed more for their comic value than for their functionality; their durability is often so bad, they fall apart the first time you act
ually attempt to use them. If you decide to purchase a novelty flogger of this sort, you’ll likely be wasting $20 to $70 of your hard-earned money. At the other end of the spectrum, you can find unique and beautiful works of art, each constructed lovingly by hand by skilled craftsmen from a variety exotic materials. A flogger like that can easily set you back $400 to $1500. Most of us, at least for our first few flogger purchases, will typically settle for something between those two extremes.

  The type of flogger you purchase should be commensurate with the type of sensations you want the flogger to deliver. The impact sensations of being flogged can range from “thuddy” at the low-end of the pain scale, to “thwappy” or “slappy” in the middle, and on to “stinging” or “biting” at the high end of the scale. The sensations can also be varied a great deal by adjusting the distance from the subject, changing the way the flogger is swung, and increasing or decreasing the amount of force of the swing. Generally speaking, the closer to the subject you stand, the thuddier the strikes will be. The further from the subject you are, the more stinging the strikes will be.

  One of the most common misconceptions about floggers is the assumption that being struck with one will always be a painful experience. In actuality, most people describe the experience of being flogged as a pleasant or even therapeutic sensation, often equating it with a low-impact massage. Of course, a flogging can always easily be delivered in a painful way, if that is your personal preference. Floggers tend to be one of those BDSM items which look a lot scarier than they really are and, for that reason, are valued as much for their psychological impact as for their physical impact.

  The use of a flogger doesn’t typically raise many safety concerns, aside from the obvious ones. Have a safe word. Avoid breaking the skin. Watch for sharp or rough edges or foreign objects entangled in your flogger’s falls. Give yourself plenty of room to swing the flogger, and be particularly mindful of overhead lighting which, if struck accidentally, could shower you in broken glass. If a flogger is going to be used on a subject’s genitals, his or her bodily fluids will come into contact with the falls, which can be difficult, if not impossible, to properly sanitize. If doing so is a conscious decision and your plan is to fluid-bond the flogger to that individual, that’s fine. But if it happens inadvertently or without much thought for the consequences, then you may end up having to purchase another flogger or, at the very least, with an unpleasant ethical dilemma on your hands.