Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook

by Michael Makai

  Do practice giving a little introduction of yourself that includes a bit about your interest or experience in the lifestyle. In the business world, this is called an “elevator pitch,” and it is designed to deliver essential information about you to another person in a way that might pique his or her interest, and to accomplish it all in 60 seconds or less. It is fairly common for a group’s long-time members to be juggling several responsibilities simultaneously at these kinds of events. They may be acting as hosts and hostesses, welcoming new guests, coordinating things with the restaurant staff, ensuring the right people know when and where the after-party (if there is one) will be, and on top of everything else, paying sufficient attention to their spouses, partners, dates or friends. Expecting that person to allot you more than a minute or two for introductions may be just a little unrealistic.

  Do treat people with respect, and try to see them as more than just their kink. Proper manners are a big deal to these people – possibly more so than to any other group of people you will ever meet. Rendering proper respect can include such things as respecting the lifestyle choices of others, the avoidance of stereotypes and judgmental statements, and a quiet acknowledgment of the fact that your standards of beauty, morality or excitement may not be shared by everyone in attendance. If a conversation topic makes you uncomfortable, turn your attention elsewhere. Tactless, inconsiderate or rude behavior can sometimes result in the perpetrator being unceremoniously “uninvited” to future events.

  Do order something off the menu if the munch is held in a restaurant. This is actually far more important than many people think. After all, you’re meeting in a business establishment, the owners of which have a right to expect to get something in return for allowing your group to monopolize a large number of tables for what sometimes can turn into an extended period of time. Most restaurant owners and management have a word for individuals who sit in their restaurant for hours without ordering at least a beverage, and that word is: unwelcome. If it happens more than a few times with a certain group, it’s usually only a matter of time before the entire group becomes unwelcome in the establishment. If you’re flat broke and can’t afford to purchase a meal, consider politely asking someone in the group to buy you a beverage.

  Things You Shouldn’t Do

  Don’t arrive drunk, or plan on getting that way. If you feel the need to have a few shots of “liquid courage” before attending an event like this, don’t bother. If you think being buzzed makes you more interesting to people, you’re probably mistaken. If the restaurant hosting the munch serves alcohol, having a drink or two with the group is usually perfectly acceptable, though you may want to check with a group leader first. If you do drink, don’t overdo it. Getting drunk at a party can be fun and entertaining. Getting drunk at a public vanilla gathering of fetishistas can turn out to be embarrassing for everyone involved and potentially dangerous to people’s relationships and careers.

  Don’t ask for personal details, beyond a first name or online username. This can be a difficult habit to break, since many of us are taught our entire vanilla lives to engage in small talk that consists mostly of questions like: What do you do for a living? Where is your office located? Are you married? Do you have kids? Where do you hang out after work? This sort of chit-chat may serve as a social lubricant in other types of gatherings, but at a fetish group munch, it’s generally considered bad manners. Information is power, and most people in the BDSM lifestyle are simply not willing to hand you – a complete stranger - that kind of power over their lives the first time they meet you. If someone volunteers that sort of personal information to you without being asked for it, you should always consider it a sincere compliment and a leap of faith concerning your trustworthiness, and never pass that information on to someone else without their express permission to do so.

  Don’t ask people where they hang out with their vanilla friends. Many people in the BDSM lifestyle live dual lives. That means they often maintain two completely separate social circles, and as far as they are concerned, never the ‘twain shall meet. There are usually very good reasons for doing this, since our vanilla friends aren’t always able to understand or accept the kinkier aspects of our lives, and even if they could, we may feel that it simply isn’t any of their business. Try to respect that, so they won’t have to dread the possibility that you’ll someday show up at their bible study group with handcuffs and a riding crop.

  Don’t invite yourself to any activity. Never forget that a munch is more than just a social gathering. A munch also serves as an informal screening process which helps to determine whether it is appropriate to invite you to other less public events. You may hear some discussion about an after-party, or other events planned for the near future, but you should resist the temptation to ask for details, or to make it seem as though you are inviting yourself to them. Some groups require you to have attended a minimum number of munches – often as low as one – before you are invited to attend other activities. When the decision has been made by whoever makes those kinds of decisions for the group, you will usually be discreetly informed of it. If a group leader asks you, “Are you coming to the after-party?” you may then consider yourself invited, and ask for more details.

  Don’t touch anyone without permission. If it consists of anything other than a handshake, it is considered touching. If you don’t have permission to do it, then it is considered bad touching. Permission means an expressed verbal authorization to touch that person, delivered personally to you. Just because someone has granted that permission to anyone else, or even to practically everyone else, does not mean he or she has granted that permission to you. The permission must be explicit, not implied. You may not assume that just because someone appears to want a hug from you, that they actually do want a hug from you. Usually, it is simply a matter of asking, “Is it alright if I hug you?” If a group member is a slave, submissive, pet, or partner in any kind of relationship, then you may be required to ask permission from his or her Dominant, as well. As you might well imagine, if group members are going to get this worked up about nonconsensual hugs, you probably don’t want to test the waters with random gropes or swats.

  Don’t reveal information about other people. What happens at group events should stay at those group events. The mere mention of someone’s attendance or activities at another event may be considered privileged information. For all you know, that new person sitting next to you in the restaurant while you’re describing a particularly kinky BDSM scene that occurred last month involving a friend may just happen to be your friend’s boss. Another good reason for this rule is, in a lifestyle that often involves BDSM play outside of committed relationships, it is usually a good thing for someone to hear about the activities of his partner from his partner, and not from some stranger who just happened to be in the audience when it occurred. Granted, it can sometimes be extraordinarily difficult to have animated discussions about group activities without referring to specific individuals by name, but give it your best shot. At the very least, you should avoid passing along gossip and other personal information about anyone at all cost. People love to hear gossip, but they will also naturally assume that someday, they’ll end up as the subject of your gossip.

  Don’t assume everyone is there to hook up, get laid, or find someone who shares their kink. The most common reason people have for seeking out a BDSM group is to learn that they are not alone; that there are others out there who are a lot like they are. Yes, there are plenty of people who are seeking out others who share their particular kink, but the fact remains, the majority of people who attend a munch are there simply to enjoy socializing with others who understand their world-view. Once you have attended a few events, you’ll have a much better understanding of who is or isn’t looking to hook up, and you’ll have an informed basis for deciding whether or not you’re interested.

  Don’t make your personal fetish the first thing you tell people about yourself. This may come as a complete surprise t
o you, but introducing yourself to complete strangers as “Bob, the guy who likes to suck semen from another guy’s anus” is probably not the best way to make a good first impression. By the way, that’s called felching, and yes, there really is a name for it. A good rule of thumb might be, if it isn’t something you’d put in your Facebook profile, it probably isn’t something you should blurt out in the first two minutes of a conversation with a stranger, either.

  Don’t take or use a camera at the munch. The reasons for this are the same as for not asking for or revealing too much personal information. People generally don’t take photographs unless they plan to do something with those photographs, and that thought makes some people profoundly uncomfortable. Imagine how the mother of an eight-year-old might react when she looks at someone’s Facebook page and sees a photo of a group of people, one of whom happens to be her child’s teacher, with the caption, “Here’s me, hanging out with my fellow pervs!” It’s hard to envision any way that a discovery like that bodes well for anyone concerned.

  Don’t use it as a place to take advantage of your private knowledge of someone’s personal weaknesses, turn-ons, or triggers. As you attend more events, and get to know people better, you’ll likely have opportunities to learn intimate details about their likes, dislikes, turn-ons, and triggers. This is an entirely normal part of making new friends in the fetish community. You may even eventually end up in intimate relationships with some of those people, and there’s nothing at all wrong with that. But you should take care never to use a munch or any other public gathering to reveal someone’s private turn-ons or triggers without their express permission to do so.

  You may find it very tempting to show off your exclusive knowledge of a person’s intimate secrets, but don’t do it. Just don’t. For an example of how this sort of thing can end in disaster, read the story at the end of this chapter.

  Customs and Protocols for a Play Party

  Once a new person has been vetted and cleared to attend events beyond the regular munch, he or she may be invited to attend play parties, demonstrations, and other kinds of fetish gatherings. For the most part, the customs and protocols one should observe at a play party are the same as at a munch, with some additional considerations. Do keep in mind the fact that most play parties and other private events are held in a group member’s home. That means extra thought must be given to things like children, pets, neighbors, parking, fragile or valuable household furnishings, and privacy. At play party type events, you have as much of a responsibility to look out for the interests of the homeowner hosting the event as you do for the group as a whole.

  The major difference between this kind of event and a munch is the high probability of BDSM scenes being played out during a play party. A BDSM scene is simply any BDSM activity that is done in front of an audience. A scene should be considered a performance, and not be interrupted or interfered with in any way. Scenes do not usually involve explicitly sexual activity, but there are always exceptions, and it is not uncommon for participants to have sexual reactions to what might be considered by most to be non-sexual activities. Before participating in any scene, be sure you are clear on what will be involved, whether or not it will involve sex, and what safety measures will be in effect.

  The following is a list of protocols which typically apply to play party types of events. Again, each group generally has rules that are specific to that group, or to the location and homeowner’s preferences, but for the most part, these guidelines for BDSM play events are fairly universal.

  Don’t touch without permission. This rule cannot be stressed enough. Even so, there’s a specific reason for revisiting it here, in our discussion of play parties. Resisting the urge to hug a friend at a public munch is one thing; resisting the urge to touch the scantily clad or naked person next to you, particularly if you are both in a highly aroused state, is another thing entirely. For some people, an event like this is the first time they’ll ever witness, with the lights on, anything quite so erotic that doesn’t personally involve them. It may also be the first time they see, for the first time, their secret fantasies being played out in real life, right in front of their eyes. Needless to say, for certain individuals, this can sometimes have a profound effect, like making them forget that whole no-touching thing. Don’t be that individual.

  Never interrupt a scene. A scene is called a scene for a very good reason – it is usually a highly choreographed performance being enacted for an appreciative audience. The performance can consist of practically any fetish activity, from the ridiculously mundane to the unbelievably complex or even dangerous. It isn’t uncommon for scenes to include such things as open flames, knife-play, electricity, or even asphyxiation. The very last thing scene participants need, in those kinds of circumstances, is a distraction. It should come as no surprise to anyone that the audience will be unappreciative of any individual engaging in running commentary, interruptions, criticisms, or attempts to inject themselves into the scene. If you are so seriously concerned about a safety issue that you feel a scene should be stopped, you should quietly and politely take one of the group leaders aside in a way that does not cause a distraction to others, and voice your concerns privately to that person. Chances are you’ll discover that your concerns have already been adequately addressed in ways that you are simply unaware of.

  If you are planning to be involved in a scene, make no assumptions about sex. This is particularly true if you are participating in a scene involving a new group, a new play partner, or a new activity for you. Even if the scene involves something you’ve done a hundred times, with a hundred other people, never assume that things will play out the same way this time. It is relatively common for people who do a lot of scening to develop their own unique and unexpected ways of doing things, so if such a thing is possible, you should expect the unexpected. You should also never presume, just because certain things may be against the group’s rules, that your new play partner knows or cares about the group’s rules. Obviously, and for a multitude of good reasons, the best time to find out about any sex that occurs in a scene is before it happens, not after the fact.

  Don’t mess with equipment you are unfamiliar with. For that matter, you shouldn’t mess with any equipment that isn’t yours, unless the owner of the equipment expressly tells you that it’s okay to do so. When it comes to their BDSM toys, some folks can be very protective and often downright paranoid about people touching their stuff, and there are plenty of good reasons to feel that way. First of all, as you’ll no doubt learn when you start to build your own BDSM toy collection, some fetish toys can be really expensive. No one wants to see his brand new $400 violet wand being handled like a Wii controller.

  Second, despite the fact that items used in BDSM scenes are often called toys, they can sometimes be dangerous in ways that you may not be able to foresee. It’s easy to assume that the knives that a certain Dominant uses in his knife-play demonstration are going to be sharp, but the dangers associated with other kinds of BDSM toys and equipment may not be quite so readily apparent. For example, a pinwheel looks like a cute little toy, until you playfully run it across your skin and create a neat little row of puncture marks. The mentholated oils that are used in cupping are highly flammable, and could easily turn you into a human torch if spilled and ignited by a cigarette or candle. Larger pieces of equipment or furnishings, such as racks, platforms, suspension harnesses or St. Andrew’s crosses can be especially dangerous to anyone attempting to place themselves on or in the equipment without the assistance of another person who presumably knows what he is doing. You probably don’t want to be forever remembered by the group as that new person who needed to be rescued from the furniture.

  Third and finally, there’s that awkward issue of bodily fluids. Yes, we generally think of bodily fluids as being on or in people’s bodies, but they also have a curious habit of being on their sex toys, as well. In the BDSM community, you’ll occasionally hear the term “fluid bonding,” which genera
lly refers to relationships between people who have agreed to engage in unprotected sex involving the potential exchange of bodily fluids. A fluid bond can also sometimes refer to a BDSM toy or piece of equipment that should be reserved for the sole use of its owner, because it comes into contact with bodily fluids such as semen, secretions, saliva or blood. Even items that you might not often associate with bodily fluids may fit into this category. A simple leather flogger might not seem like a logical place for bodily fluids – until you consider things like pussy floggings, and other types of floggings that draw blood or result in ejaculation. Bottom line: Sharing toys for six-year-olds is a good thing; for kinksters, maybe not so much.

  Don’t take pictures. This is another rule that cannot be stressed enough, and even though we’ve already listed it once in the munch protocols, it bears revisiting in the context of play parties. At a munch, the relevant and sensitive issue is generally who was there. A play party complicates things exponentially for people who must keep their kinky lifestyle and the more vanilla aspects of their lives separate. A photograph of you in a restaurant, having a margarita and chimichangas with your pervy friends can usually be explained away pretty easily. Explaining away a picture of you being flogged while hanging upside down and naked in somebody’s living room is probably going to be a tough sell.

  Don’t wander into parts of the house not designated for the event. Try to remember the last time you had a dozen or more people in your house. The thought of that crowd in your living room or family room was probably stressful enough, without adding the terrifying notion of them wandering randomly through the rest of your house. Respect the privacy of the event hosts and stay in areas that have been set aside for the event. This will usually consist of a main play area (living room, family room, or rec room), a guest bathroom, and perhaps the kitchen/dining area. Stay away from bedrooms, dens or children’s rooms, and ask before congregating in outdoor areas like patios, porches, yards or driveways, since voices and noise can carry, and your hosts may have nosy or irritable neighbors.