If we were talking about any other kind of lifestyle, this strategy probably wouldn’t be much of a problem. For example, if I wanted to adopt a surfing lifestyle, I could easily adopt a trial-and-error strategy to learn how to surf, what kinds of surfboards I should buy, where to go to catch the best waves, and so on. And while some of those lessons might turn out to be embarrassing, expensive, time consuming or even painful to me personally, there is going to be very little chance that I can destroy someone else’s life in the process. A Dominant can, and often does, assume that risk when he accepts full responsibility for practically every aspect of another person’s life. Similarly, a submissive holds her Dominant’s fate in her hands in ways that the average person cannot even begin to comprehend. What happens, for example, if a “slave” decides long after a turbulent Master/slave relationship has ended, that there never really was any consent involved? What do you think your chances would be of convincing a judge and jury that someone actually wanted to be treated like a slave?
The bottom line: incompetence can be encountered anywhere in this lifestyle and it can have far-reaching, sometimes unimaginable consequences. Keep it at arm’s length, whenever possible.
Abuse
Let’s start this section off by stating what should be fairly obvious to just about anyone capable of reading. Abuse, in any form, should never be tolerated by anyone in, or out, of this lifestyle. That includes physical abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, and even emotional abuse. There are many misinformed and, frankly, bigoted individuals who equate the D/s and BDSM lifestyles with an inherently abusive relationship dynamic. They often claim without any evidence whatsoever to support their allegations that these lifestyles promote violence and the objectification of women, as well as a host of other societal ills which apparently must be blamed on someone, before they can be “eradicated.” My perspective on this is if you believe that either of these problems will ever be eradicated, then I have some prime Everglades real estate deals I’d like to discuss with you.
Abuse does exist in the D/s and BDSM lifestyles, just as it occurs in every lifestyle. The false impression that it occurs with greater frequency in our lifestyle than elsewhere can likely be attributable to the increasingly popular and insidious notion that people are stupid and can’t be trusted to make their own life choices; therefore they must be rescued from themselves. In this nanny-state worldview, a masochist woman who is happily married to a sadistic man hasn’t made a valid lifestyle choice at all. She is a brainwashed and perhaps even mentally ill victim of a sadistic misogynist who married her not because he loves her or because they have mutually complementary interests, but because he hates women. This twisted sort of logic is applied just as frequently to people involved in plural marriages, age play, humiliation play, pet play, and a host of other activities that offend the sensitivities of the nanny-state elitists who think they know what’s best for you.
One of the rather unfortunate consequences of the political exploitation of the D/s lifestyle to serve political ends has been that real abuse may sometimes be overlooked. When everything related to the lifestyle is mischaracterized by outsiders as abuse, people within the lifestyle tend to circle their wagons and adopt a mutually defensive stance. This can sometimes result in a community-wide spirited defense of someone who, frankly, might not deserve it.
I believe the answer, for both the community and for its individual members, is to examine any allegation of abuse independently and fairly, and to avoid the natural tendency to assume that any accusation of abuse is the result of misinformation and bigotry. In the final analysis, we must be able to presume that consenting adults are going to be fully capable of knowing when and whether they are being abused, without any help from you, me or the nanny-state busybodies. The discerning criterion should be, are they happy? If so, then butt out.
For anyone who cares to look beyond the superficial, it’s usually pretty easy to discern the differences between a consenting, trusting and mutually pleasurable activity and abuse. The differences are stark, and obvious. D/s is about loving; abuse is about hurting. A healthy D/s relationship is built on trust and real consent; abuse is almost always a breach of trust and a matter of coercion. A healthy D/s relationship requires and builds mutual respect; abuse is demonstration of a profound lack of respect. A healthy D/s relationship builds self-esteem; abuse destroys it. Healthy D/s and BDSM activities involve the planned, controlled application of pain, restraint or humiliation; abuse is typically spontaneous and out of control. In any consensual BDSM activity, a Bottom can stop the scene at any time with just a word; in an abusive situation, a victim wishes such a thing were possible, but it is not.
Dom/sub Type Mismatch
In the first few chapters of this book, we described different types of Dominants and submissives, and even went into some detail on which types of partners might be more suited to each. What we didn’t do was describe in any real detail the kinds of unholy messes that can result from a Dom/sub mismatch. One might reasonably assume that such things do not happen often, and in truth, most people have a pretty good idea of what it is they are seeking in a mate, even if they are brand-spanking-new to the lifestyle. And, then again, there’s always that slender minority of people who don’t.
Most likely to find themselves in a D/s mismatch are the lifestyle novices, who have not yet accumulated enough experience to differentiate between the various types of Dominants and submissives, or to discern the nuanced ranges of intensity even within those categories. A lifestyle novice is likely to assume, for example, that the only real difference between a Daddy Dom and a Sadistic Dom is what they like. As a result, a novice may attempt to tailor her presentation, behavior or appearance to appeal to the Dominant in question, without giving much thought at all to the fact that these two types of Dominants think and behave very differently. The novice may also fall into the dangerous trap of believing that because she is compromising to please her Dominant, that he will do likewise and behave less like the Daddy or Sadist that he is. Chances are, he won’t. These characteristics are, for the most part, non-negotiable.
What follows are some of what I consider to be the most common D/s relationship mismatch types, accompanied by some pithy commentary on how it happens and the typical outcomes:
· The Sadistic Dominant and anyone who isn’t truly a masochist. I do realize I am probably beginning to sound like a broken record here, but this point simply cannot be stressed enough. Anyone who gets involved with a sadist should expect to get hurt. After all, that’s the whole idea. That’s why people get involved with sadists. It won’t be an unfortunate turn of events when he inflicts pain and suffering upon you; it’s the plan. I do wish there was a way to say it even plainer for the benefit of those who may still be unclear on this concept.
· The evolving Dominant and hardwired submissive, or vice versa. These relationships somehow actually manage to get off on the right foot from the start, but then meander down a dangerous path when one of the partners begins to explore other roles. Typically, this evolving partner is completely unaware of the gut reaction of his hardwired partner, who is unwilling or incapable of switching roles to accommodate him. This really only becomes an issue if one partner in the relationship is flexible, while the other is not. Role evolution can be a wonderful thing, as long as both partners have signed up for it.
· The polyamorous Dominant and monogamous submissive, or vice versa. It happens all the time, and sometimes, it even works out, but the odds are overwhelmingly stacked against it coming to a good end. To be fair, most people go into these things with the best of intentions, earnestly believing that they can be taught the secrets of polyamory or monogamy when, in fact, it is actually quite rare for someone to be able to change his or her outlook in this way. Certainly, there are techniques and strategies which can make the adoption or practice of a new way of loving easier for someone who is predisposed to it, but merely unskilled. But there are no silver bullets that will transform a
monogamous person into a poly one, or vice versa. I do not recommend entering into a committed D/s relationship with the unrealistic hope of converting your partner to your way of loving.
· The pure BDSM Dominant and pure D/s submissive, or vice versa. As I’ve said in previous chapters, most of the people in the fetish community like to integrate their D/s and BDSM, just as most people generally prefer their sex and love conveniently wrapped up in one person. But there are many who don’t, and to further complicate things, it isn’t always easy to figure out who those people are. There’s nothing wrong with simply wanting to participate in BDSM activities, without seeking a relationship. There’s also nothing wrong with simply wanting a D/s relationship dynamic, without the whips and chains. The important thing is that both partners are getting what they want and need out of the relationship.
It is certainly easy to assume that certain types of Dominants and submissives will never be happy together in a relationship. Of course, that’s a little like assuming that cats and dogs will never be able to tolerate each other, a generalization that isn’t always supported by the facts. Can a babygirl submissive be happy with a sadistic Dominant? Would a Lesser God Dominant be able to tolerate a brat submissive? Should a non-Gorean Dominant ever consider a kajirae for a collar? Your first impulse might be to doubt the long-term viability of mismatched relationships such as these. Pure probability in such cases certainly favors a train wreck in the not-too-distant future. Sometimes, however, people can surprise you. They change. They grow. They learn and adapt and, occasionally, they succeed in a relationship which completely defies explanation. This, however, is generally the exception, rather than the rule.
Poor Communication
Make no mistake about it; communication is a skill, and a critical one at that. D/s relationships are no more prone to communication breakdowns than vanilla ones, but their complexity and potential consequences can be mind-boggling. At the end of this chapter, I share a simple example of how two people having two completely different notions of the definition of the word “extreme” can change everything. Just because you and your partner both speak English doesn’t necessarily mean you speak the same language.
Words can have drastically different connotations and meanings to people, but when you are part of a fetish culture that habitually frames things in double entendre and euphemism, it becomes even more complicated. For example, when is “whips and chains” just another way to say BDSM, and when does it literally mean whips and chains? It’s not unusual at all to hear someone in the lifestyle who claims to be into “whips and chains” to go pale when an actual bullwhip is brought out, saying “Oh no, I didn’t mean an actual whip! Got any nice, thuddy floggers?”
When we hear a term like “age play,” we generally assume that it involves a mature individual acting in a child-like role. In reality, age play is any activity where one person assumes the role of someone any age that significantly differs from his true age, while another person interacts with him age-appropriately. The most common expression of age play is found in the Daddy Dom - babygirl relationship dynamic, but there are plenty of other possible permutations, including role play gerontophilia, which is a sexual attraction to the elderly.
Examples like these can be humorous or even ironic at times, but when a relationship goes off the tracks because of a basic misunderstanding, it can be heartbreaking. Some of the most common communication breakdowns occur as the result of a lack of clarity on such things as the differences between a slave and a submissive, or what a collar represents to each of the parties involved. A simple word like respect can mean completely different things to different people, and a slave contract specifying that “each party shall respect the other” is virtually worthless unless the term can be adequately defined.
The disagreement is another communication minefield which must be navigated cautiously in any D/s relationship. Learning how to disagree without becoming disagreeable can be a challenge that simply overwhelms many couples. Other couples may find it difficult to stay engaged and communicating constructively when the first impulse of many submissives is to withdraw in order to avoid conflict with his or her Dominant. Ideally, couples should look for a solution that exists somewhere between all-out war and silent sulking.
Each relationship is different, but you should be able to work together to identify “hot buttons” to be avoided, tell-tale signs that a discussion has gone off-track, and “lines in the sand” which must not be crossed under any circumstances. Couples must also learn to read between the lines to divine the true meaning of what is, or isn’t, being said.
Years ago, I was chatting online with one of my submissives when, seemingly out of the blue, she said, “You’re angry with me.” And frankly, I was. But I was also very surprised that she had picked up on it, because I thought I’d done a pretty good job of concealing my annoyance at some silly thing she’d said. I may be easily annoyed, but over the years I’ve learned that if I can just resist for ten minutes the urge to say or do something about it, it usually passes quickly, and everyone is happier for it.
So I asked her, “How did you know I was angry?”
She hesitated. She really didn’t want to reveal the source of her superpower, but now she was trapped and had no choice but to come clean. She reluctantly said, “It’s your punctuation, Master.”
I was completely baffled. “My... punctuation?”
She explained, “Yes, your punctuation. You never use periods when chatting online. Ever. That is, unless you’re angry about something. Then, suddenly, periods start appearing at the ends of your sentences. And even though you might be saying nice things, I know what the periods really mean. They mean, I am so done with this conversation.”
I scrolled back to see if what she was saying could possibly be true, and sure enough, there they were. All this time, I thought I was being clever, yet I’d been betrayed by the little dots at the ends of my sentences. I definitely learned something about how my subconscious mind worked that day. More importantly, I also learned that an observant and motivated partner can find helpful lines of communication in even the tiniest details.
Unstated Relationship Rules
If you don’t know what the rules are that govern your relationship, there’s a pretty high probability that you won’t be following them. D/s relationships are often all about the rules. Generally speaking, Dominants love to make them, and submissives love to be subject to them. When one or the other fails to fulfill his or her responsibility in this regard, or steps outside the boundaries of what is expected by the other partner, it usually doesn’t end well.
The most difficult rules to follow in any relationship are the ones that no one told you about. Being held accountable for something that you’re unaware of is manifestly unfair. Unfortunately, there will always be things left unsaid because it is simply assumed that we know certain things, and understand the implications of what we’re doing.
One of the things typically assumed by practically everyone in the D/s lifestyle is the notion that Dominants, almost by definition, make the rules. If you consider yourself a Dominant, yet are subject to a rule-set not of your own making, I have bad news for you. Similarly, if you consider yourself a submissive, yet are telling your Dominant what he should or shouldn’t be doing, thinking or feeling, then I have bad news for you, too. Here it is, the awful, unvarnished truth: You’re probably far more vanilla than you care to admit. The good news is, I’m told the survival rate for people with this condition is quite good.
Role Drift, Role Abandonment, & Role Reversal
When an individual is hard-wired for dominance or submission, he is likely to remain so for as long as he lives. It is extremely rare for anyone to be able to change these core personality traits in any meaningful or significant way. This is not the case, however, for anyone who may be consciously or unconsciously acting out a role of Dominance or submission. In those cases, a D/s relationship which is based on the assumption of a Dominant or
submissive role by one or both partners runs a high risk of falling victim to role drift, role abandonment, or role reversal.
Role drift is what happens when a partner’s assumed role incrementally changes over time. It should come as no surprise to anyone that this sort of thing happens in all kinds of relationships, not just in D/s related ones. The impact of this phenomenon is relatively more severe in D/s relationships for the simple reason that most D/s relationships exist primarily for the sake of the Dominance/submission dynamic.
Role drift can occur at either end of the D/s spectrum, and for a wide variety of reasons. Quite often, it is a natural consequence of a person’s maturation or the simple broadening of his horizons. It is fairly common and almost reasonable for people to assume, for example, that just because they want to be Dominants, or because they happen to be particularly good at performing in a Dominant role, then that’s what they are. Unfortunately, it ain’t necessarily so. These folks would more accurately be described as Tops.
A Top is a person who situationally or temporarily assumes a Dominant role as appropriate for BDSM scenes, specific relationship or sexual partners, or simply as the mood strikes him. A Top may, in fact, be very, very good at what he does, which is assuming a Dominant role. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that he finds lasting joy or fulfillment in it. Perhaps he assumes the role of a Top to please his partner. Perhaps he continues doing it simply because he is very good at it, and it’s really nice to be good at something. Or, perhaps he does it in an earnest effort to discover his inner Dominant. Whatever the reason, it ultimately comes down to this: It is something he does, and not necessarily who he is. It is a role, and eventually, all roles become tedious. Once fulfilling his role starts feeling like work, it’s only a matter of time and opportunity before the inevitable process of role drift begins.
Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook Page 41