I am utterly convinced that there are just three kinds of people in the world: optimists, pessimists, and realists. The optimist sees the glass as half full. The pessimist sees the glass as half empty. A realist sees the glass as twice as large as it needs to be. Which are you?
If you’re seriously considering entering into a D/s relationship or adopting a BDSM lifestyle, it would be wise to realistically contemplate all of the potential issues, and not just consider the rainbows and unicorns perspective. It can be incredibly easy to leap headlong into a new relationship or scenario without having a full appreciation of the potential pitfalls which might lie ahead. I know. I’ve done it. I’ve done it more times than I care to admit. In those instances, would I have been receptive to an offer of some friendly advice on the potential for problems ahead? Probably not. So then, what makes me think you’ll take anything I say in this chapter any more seriously than I would have, when I was in your shoes?
Only this: I’m hoping that you’re a lot smarter than I was.
There are a lot of things that can go wrong in any relationship. You don’t need me to tell you that. You most likely have a collection of relationship horror stories of your own that would curl my toes, and most of them probably have nothing to do with D/s-related issues. Relationships, in general, can be complicated, messy things. Adding any new variable to the mix tends to make it even more so. When those variables just happen to exist on the fringes of acceptable societal norms, as do D/s, BDSM and polyamory, it gets infinitely more complicated.
Honestly, not everyone wants to ponder all the things that could possibly go wrong in a complex relationship. Humorist Dave Barry noted that one of the major differences between men and women is their affinity for understanding complicated relationships, saying, “Your basic guy is into a straight-ahead, bottom-line kind of thought process that does not work nearly as well with the infinitely subtle complexities of human relationships as it does with calculating how much gravel is needed to cover a given driveway.” Even so, neither sex likes to contemplate a relationship that is complicated to the extreme of being unworkable. Some might say that to do so makes one a pessimist in outlook. I would beg to differ.
Considering the pitfalls is not quite the same thing as expecting them. One educates himself and prepares for a possibility not because he expects it to happen or hopes for it, but to be better able to recognize it as it approaches, and perhaps even prevent it from having a disastrous impact. A person living in Florida learns something about hurricanes, not because he is a pessimist, but because it is a perfectly rational thing to do for anyone choosing to live on a penis-shaped peninsula which is bounded by sadistic seas and regularly flogged by killer storms.
Make no mistake, the topics we’re about to discuss in the following pages are possibilities, not necessarily probabilities. My goal is not to sway you from your natural world-view and disposition, whether you are habitually an optimist or pessimist. My goal is to assist you in reducing the chances of a negative outcome by educating yourself, recognizing the tell-tale signs of an impending train wreck, and knowing how to respond to some of the challenges you could encounter. Hoping and expecting things to always work out for the best is fine, but when it comes to relationships, we should always be cognizant of our ability to influence the outcome. Hope is not a viable strategy.
A final note, before we dive headlong into this tumultuous sea of negativity. You’re going to find plenty of generalizations and anecdotal examples based on my observations and experiences from 35 years in the lifestyle and in a variety of D/s relationships. Before anyone becomes incensed and offended, let me just say that I know that not all Dominants and submissives are typical. I understand that my perspective on what is typical may differ from your idea of what is typical. I’m aware that many of my experiences may have been an anomaly. I get it. I really do.
Every day, someone asks me, “What makes you an expert on BDSM relationships?” I usually respond thusly: “Frankly, I don’t consider myself an expert on this subject, any more than someone who has been married for thirty-five years is an expert on marriage. I do, however, think I may have some insights for those who may be seeking answers to some tough questions about the kinds of relationships that I’ve spent my entire adult life in.” That’s my diplomatic response. A somewhat harsher alternative might be:
Possible insights ahead. Use ‘em, or lose ‘em. It matters not to me. I get paid either way.
Unclear on the Concept
The first possible pitfall we’re going to talk about is probably the most prevalent, both in and outside the D/s lifestyle. It is not, by any means, a problem that is unique to the chronically clueless. It often occurs when and where you least expect it, and with people that you’d never, ever in a million years, suspect as sufferers. It is what we will call “being unclear on the concept.”
Take, for example, the commonly confused terms, D/s and BDSM. D/s, or Domination/submission, is not synonymous with BDSM, despite what many would have you believe. D/s is an expression of how people relate to one another as Dominants and submissives. It is about who they are, and how they love. It has very little to do with whether or not they act upon those feelings. It is, in many ways, analogous to gender identity or sexual attraction. We are not defined as much by our reproductive organs, as we are by how we feel about them. We aren’t classified as gay, straight or bisexual by whom we’ve had sex with, but by how we feel about it.
D/s is what happens between our ears, at least inasmuch as it is an expression of our innate dominant or submissive character traits as they pertain to the relationship dynamic. But there’s also an awful lot that can happen between our ears that isn’t necessarily D/s-related, even if it is thoroughly infused with bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism, the components of BDSM. The attraction, pleasure and satisfaction that a person derives from his or her BDSM activities certainly occurs as much in our brains as it does in our bodies, but that doesn’t necessarily have much to do with a relationship dynamic. In other words, if you’re heavily into BDSM impact-play, then any competently delivered spanking from a trusted play partner is probably going to be considered a good one, whether or not your play partner loves you. That’s because it isn’t about the relationship, it’s all about the activity and the sensations.
There are, of course, those who are lucky enough to have both - a BDSM play partner and a loving D/s relationship - all neatly wrapped up in a single person. Wouldn’t it be great if everyone could have that? Shouldn’t this “perfect balance” of D/s and BDSM be the goal of just about everyone in the lifestyle? The answer, in a word, is no. There are plenty of people who want the relationship without the whips and chains. There are still others who are all about the whips and chains, but have no real interest in the trappings of a D/s relationship dynamic. And yes, there are those who not only want both, but they honestly cannot conceive of one without the other.
It should come as no great surprise to anyone that it is exceedingly difficult for a member of one of these groups to understand and empathize with someone from one of the others. It’s almost as if someone who cares only about love, to the exclusion of sex, were trying to understand what motivates a friend who cares only about sex, and not a bit about love. As difficult as that would be, imagine further what might be the result if suddenly, those two individuals found themselves in a relationship with each other? You might be tempted to laugh off the possibility, since it’s hard to imagine how someone who doesn’t want love would seek out a relationship, right? Frankly, it happens all the time in this lifestyle.
Every day, thousands of submissives and slaves who are not emotionally involved in any significant way with them are collared by their Dominants. Often, Dominants will offer and submissives accept these collars without any thought whatsoever to what their new partner hopes or expects to gain from the arrangement, or whether they share any commonalities at all. One may be seeking D/s, while the other simply wants BDSM. One may want love, the ot
her, sex. Both may be accustomed to calling the shots in a relationship, even if one of them thinks he or she is a submissive. In short, they are unclear on the concepts of D/s and BDSM.
There are sometimes those even in the BDSM lifestyle who confuse being a “top” with being a Dominant, or being a “bottom” with being a submissive. These terms are not interchangeable. Acting in the role of a top doesn’t make you a Dominant any more than standing in the kitchen makes you a cook. Similarly, the fact that you enjoy being on the receiving end of a lot of BDSM play doesn’t necessarily make you a submissive, either. Topping and bottoming are activities, not core character traits. Anyone who thinks, “I like to be spanked, therefore I must be a submissive,” is unclear on the concept.
Incredibly, there never seems to be a shortage of people who are unclear on the concepts of sadism and masochism. I have seen countless examples of dysfunctional D/s relationships that failed for the simple reason that, apparently, someone didn’t understand what it means to be a sadist. For the record, a sadist is a person who enjoys inflicting pain and suffering upon you. For the most part, the more you protest, the more he’s going to like it. Complaining about how mean or insensitive your sadistic Dominant is being towards you is a little like complaining that sugar is sweet, or that fire is hot. If pain and suffering isn’t what you want, if you’re not a masochist yourself, here’s a novel idea: Don’t get involved with a sadist. You’d be amazed at the number of people I have known who claimed that they “didn’t like pain”, yet were collared to hard-core sadists. There’s really only one way imaginable that such a thing could possibly be a good idea, and that would be in the mind of someone who was unclear on the concept.
Masochists are similarly misunderstood, more often than you might think and occasionally, in unexpected ways. Perhaps it would be a good idea to restate now, for the sake of clarity, exactly what it means to be a masochist. A masochist is someone who enjoys being beaten, sexually humiliated, bound, tortured, or otherwise made to suffer. Most masochists do not enjoy pain outside of a BDSM context, but there are some who do. If there were such a thing as the Prime Directive of Masochism, it would have to be, “If you don’t like being beaten, humiliated, bound, tortured or made to suffer, then please don’t claim to be a masochist.” To most of us, this would seem like common sense. Apparently, common sense isn’t quite as common as it used to be. For whatever reason, it has become popular among many teens and young adults to claim to be masochists, when they are obviously unclear on the concept.
True masochists are quite often misunderstood by their own partners, who may not be able to wrap their heads around what a masochist wants and needs out of a relationship. If you’re someone who is intimately involved with a true masochist, and yet can’t bring yourself to actually hurt that person, you’re like the guy wearing a red uniform on a Star Trek away-mission: expendable.
Other frustrating and sad examples of being unclear on the concept include those who seek out D/s relationships because it’s the trendy or popular thing to do, Dominants who seek submissives because they can’t get laid any other way, submissives who want a Dominant who will “fix” them in some way, and of course, the determinedly self-destructive or even suicidal person who just needs a helping hand from an all-too-cooperative but clueless sadistic Dominant. Sooner or later, you’re bound to meet some of these people. Will you recognize them, when you do?
Trust Issues
Trust is hard; not just for you, not just for me, it’s hard for everyone. Even those who claim to trust often and easily will usually tell you so in a manner that suggests that they consider this to be something of a curse. For some, trusting is something that is difficult to do, for others it’s easy to do, but difficult to live with the consequences. Either way, trust can be hard, and that is why trust issues account for a significant slice of the underlying issues that can plague D/s relationships.
When we think of trust as it pertains to relationships, we typically contemplate notions of fidelity, and questions about whether or not one partner may be cheating on the other in some way. This is truly unfortunate, since trust can mean so much more, particularly in the context of a D/s relationship dynamic. In the early stages of a D/s relationship, a Dominant may ask his submissive-to-be the seemingly simple question, “Do you trust me?” The novice sub may respond, “Yes, I do trust you,” by which, she almost certainly means something like, “I trust you not to betray me or break my heart.”
Unfortunately, that’s probably not what was going through the Dominant’s head when he asked the question which is, in fact, deceptively complex and difficult to answer. What the Dominant may really be asking is, do you trust me to be competent as your Master? Do you trust me to do the right thing, and to know what I am talking about? Do you trust me to put your needs before my own, and to always act in your best interests? Do you trust me to have a plan for us, to execute that plan, and to accomplish what I say I will? The submissive simply responds, “Yes, I do trust you,” and thus, the first major misstep of a budding D/s relationship goes completely unnoticed by either.
In later stages of the relationship, the submissive may engage in activities which she considers to be well-intentioned acts of relationship maintenance - asking questions, getting feedback, trying to better understand her Dom’s motives and plans - without realizing that her Dominant may interpret this as a loss of trust and a violation of her earlier promise. A relationship death-spiral begins to swirl around the couple as the submissive becomes more agitated and confused, and the Dominant becomes increasingly angry. Not only does she not understand what she’s done wrong in the eyes of her Dominant, he can’t understand why she can’t seem to see it.
To be sure, not every Dominant is going to be worthy of a submissive’s trust. Obviously, in those cases, a submissive should not accept his collar in the first place, or if his unworthiness is only made apparent at a later stage of the relationship, she should ask to be released. It isn’t trustworthiness itself that we’re talking about here, however. The issue here is, are these two people even speaking the same language when they say they “trust” one another?
A Dominant needs to be able to trust his submissive too, and once again, that trust needs to be more than the simple assurance that he won’t be betrayed. He trusts that she will be earnest in her efforts to learn what she must about the lifestyle, her role in the relationship, and about him. He trusts that she understands the concepts of loyalty, devotion, service, and respect. He trusts her to reveal to him her thoughts, feelings, and activities of her day. He trusts her to represent him in all ways, in everything that she does. He trusts her to take him seriously, and that she will follow his guidance, instruction or advice. When these things do not happen, or they stop happening at some point in the relationship, the dynamic changes radically, and in most cases, it’s not for the better.
Hidden Agendas
When it comes to hidden agendas, D/s relationships can provide fertile ground for what is, even in vanilla relationships, always going to be a complex issue. A hidden agenda exists when a person is focused upon and is actively working to achieve a goal that differs significantly from his or her stated goals. The most common examples are the Dominant who says he wants a D/s relationship, when all he really wants is a sex slave, and the submissive who says she wants a Master, when all she really wants is a collar.
Another great illustration of a hidden agenda is what happens when a monogamist becomes involved with a polyamorist and at least one of the partners secretly harbors an unstated plan to convert the other to his or her own way of loving.
The unfortunate thing about hidden agendas is the fact that they are rarely discovered until after you’ve made a significant investment into the relationship of time, effort, emotional energy and financial resources towards a destination or goal that isn’t necessarily the same place your partner wants to go to. There’s really only one way to avoid hidden agendas or mitigate the damage that can be done by them, and t
hat is to be observant for inconsistencies. Any apparent disconnect between what a person says they hope to accomplish in the relationship, versus their actual behavior should probably be considered a yellow flag.
Incompetence
I recently learned that, in the jungles of Central and South America, sloths - which live their entire lives in trees - are sometimes so inept, so incompetent, that they will frequently grab their own arms and legs, thinking they are tree limbs, and fall to their deaths. In some ways, I suppose, it is regrettable that natural selection doesn’t work quite so efficiently in the D/s lifestyle.
Incompetence, unfortunately, is no stranger to D/s relationships or to the fetish culture in general. People in this lifestyle are typically tolerant in the extreme of other people’s kinks, even when it looks like they may be completely clueless. After all, who are we to judge? What gives us the right to tell them that they’re doing it wrong? Unless and until we see something that involves breaking the law, non-consent or doing permanent damage to someone, we generally avoid trying to tell other people how to get their jollies. I honestly do believe this almost-universal atmosphere of tolerance is a good thing, even though I also believe it can sometimes have unintended consequences.
D/s, in its purest form, may be a mindset or an attitude, but relationships and BDSM activities often require skills of one sort or another. They may be as simple as communication skills, or as complex as kinkabu suspension skills. And where do we go for that kind of training? If we’re lucky, we are mentored and guided by someone who is not only competent, but capable and compassionate. A less fortunate group, consisting of those who aren’t blessed with competent mentors, will at least be diligent enough to do a little homework so they can learn whatever possible from books, articles, online forums, and other available resources. The third and final group consists of everyone else. These are the people who are simply making it up as they go. In a nutshell, their trial-and-error-based strategy is to “fake it, ‘til they make it.”
Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook Page 40