Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook

by Michael Makai

  Domme. A female Dominant, sometimes referred to as a Dominatrix or Mistress. Generally speaking, a Domme may refer to any female Dominant, however, outside of the D/s lifestyle, the stereotype typically fits the FemDom Mistress. The correct pronunciation of domme is identical to dom. (See also: Dominant, FemDom)

  Dungeon. - A place designed and furnished for BDSM play. Some dungeons are private homes or communal playspaces managed by local BDSM groups, while others are commercial establishments. Dungeons may host events such as workshops, demos, classes or parties. Dungeons typically have an area set apart from the playspace for conversation and/or refreshments. (See also: Munch, Scene)

  Edge Play. Edge play refers to BDSM play that is generally considered to have a higher-than-usual risk of serious harm or death (i.e. breath play, knife play, or gun play), or may be of a particularly sensitive nature (i.e. age play, rape play or scat play). The definition of edge play is highly subjective, and ever-evolving. What might have been considered edge play a few years ago may be considered relatively mundane today, and vice-versa. Before the advent of HIV/AIDS, a scene involving wet play (blood) would not have been considered particularly risky; today bodily fluids are a big deal.

  Electricity Play. Electricity play is any BDSM activity that involves the use of high-voltage, low amperage, low-frequency devices that deliver stimulation to the skin, typically in a fashion that looks much more intimidating than it actually merits. The most common of these types of devices are TENS units and violet wands. Electricity play can be dangerous for certain individuals, and these devices should never be used by anyone with a pacemaker, insulin pump, or any other kind of implanted electrically operated medical device or metallic joint replacements. Otherwise, they are safe for use almost anywhere on the body, except around the eyes. As is the case with any electrical device, they should not be used in or around liquids, particularly flammable liquids, which could be ignited by the electrical discharge. (See also: TENS Unit, Purple Wand, Violet Wand.)

  Eloctrostimulation. (See Electricity play, EMS Unit, TENS unit, Violet Wand)

  EMS Unit. EMS stands for Electrical Muscle Stimulation. EMS units are typically used in medicine, sports training, cosmetic treatments, and in therapy to produce repeated muscle contractions through electrical stimulation. EMS devices range in quality and complexity from the very intricate and expensive machines used by medical and sports professionals to the simpler, less expensive devices marketed to the flabby masses via late-night infomercials. The odd experience of having your muscles stimulated electrically to involuntarily contract and release in rapid succession makes the EMS unit an interesting option for BDSM sensation play. (See also: Electricity play, TENS unit, Violet wand)

  Enema. Refers to the introduction of fluids into a person’s rectum and colon, which results in an uncomfortable expansion of the lower intestinal tract. This procedure, which is done medically to treat conditions like constipation and encopresis, or to administer certain drugs, is sometimes done for recreational purposes by some in the BDSM lifestyle as part of control scenes, humiliation play, medical play, bathroom use restrictions, or punishment. (See also: Bathroom Use Restrictions, Brown showers, Medical Play, Humiliation)

  Enforced Chastity. The practice of preventing one’s submissive from engaging in any kind of sexual activity or stimulation involving the genitals. This may involve wearing a device such as a chastity belt or some other secure appliance around the groin area, or even bulky mitts or sleeves on the hands and arms to prevent masturbation. (See also: Arm Sleeves, Chastity Belt, Mitts, Orgasm Control)

  Everyday Collar. (See: Day collar)

  Eye Contact Restriction. This refers to the practice of forbidding or restricting direct eye contact between a submissive and his or her Dominant, and in some cases, other individuals. Eye contact restrictions are more common in the Gorean tradition, where slaves are traditionally taught to lower their gaze in the presence of Masters, but they may be practiced in a variety of other kinds of relationships and situations, as well. (See also: Gor, Protocol.)

  Face-sitting. Face sitting, also sometimes referred to as queening, is typically a form of humiliation play that involves sitting on another person’s face in such a way as to force the Dominant’s genitals or anus into the submissive’s mouth. The submissive may be held in position by the body weight of the Dominant, by restraints, or by a simple command to remain in position. Those who engage in this practice regularly may employ specialized equipment or furnishings, such a queening stool, or smotherbox. (See also: Pussy worship, Queening, Queening stool, Smotherbox)

  Felching. The act of sucking or licking semen from another person’s anus; sometimes the term is also applied to the same activity performed on a woman’s vagina. Felching is usually an act of humiliation forced upon a submissive by a Sadistic Dom or FemDom Mistress. It’s typically far more common to hear it discussed for its shock value, the most common reaction being, “There’s a word for that?” than it is to actually see it done. (See also: FemDom, Humiliation, Sadistic Dom)

  Figging. Figging refers to the practice of inserting a piece of freshly peeled ginger into the anus, which causes a strong burning sensation which lasts twenty to thirty minutes without causing any permanent damage. (See also: Sensation play, Torture)

  Fire Play. Any BDSM activity that typically involves flame or high heat. Two of the most common forms of fire play are branding and cupping. (See also Branding, Cupping, Edge play, Scarification, Sensation Play.)

  Fist Fucking. (See: Fisting)

  Fisting. Fisting refers to the insertion of the entire hand into the vagina or rectum, usually with the help of lubricants. Fisting is sometimes referred to as handballing, or fist fucking. Fisting may be done as part of masturbation, or performed on another person. Once the hand is inserted, the hand may be clenched or flexed to intensify the sensations.

  Flame Play. (See: Fire Play.)

  Flip-Flopper. (See: Switch.)

  Fluid Bonding. Fluid bonding (sometime referred to as body fluid monogamy) generally refers to relationships between people who have agreed to engage in unprotected sex which involves the exchange of bodily fluids. A fluid bond can also sometimes refer to a BDSM toy or piece of equipment that should be reserved for the sole use of its owner because it comes into contact with bodily fluids such as semen, secretions, or blood. (See also: Barebacking)

  Flogger. A small hand-held whip with multiple tails or strips of leather, which are called falls. Floggers are sometimes referred to as a cats-o’-nine-tails. Most modern floggers used by those in the lifestyle are specially constructed for specific purposes, such as appearance, force of impact or type of sensation (high or low), durability, grip, and weight. Contrary to popular belief, floggings are seldom very painful. The sensations involved, when getting a flogging, are often compared by recipients to getting a “thuddy massage,” and for many, the psychological effects of a flogging far outweigh the physical. Generally speaking, the heavier the flogger, the “thuddier” the flogging. The lighter and more wiry the flogger, the more it will sting. Either way, the longer the flogging continues the more sensitive the areas of the body being flogged will become. (See also: Whip, Cat o’ Nine Tails.)

  Flogging Horse. A flogging horse is typically a custom-built, padded piece of dungeon furniture which often resembles a bench or saw-horse used to secure and position a submissive in restraints while he or she is being flogged. (See also: Flogger, Racks, St. Andrew’s Cross, Table play, Whip)

  Food Control. Refers to any activity where the Dominant controls the type or quantity of food consumed by the submissive or the circumstances under which it may be consumed. Sometimes food control also includes the intake of fluids. Food control is often done for dietary reasons in an effort by a Dominant to reshape or modify a submissive’s physical characteristics or weight, or to provide a submissive with the purpose, discipline, or willpower which he or she lacks. Other times, food control is done purely for disciplinary or punitive purposes. (See
also: Discipline)

  Foot Partialism. (See: Foot Worship.)

  Foot Worship. Foot worship refers to foot fetishism, also sometimes called foot partialism, or podophilia. In foot worship, the feet are considered to be objects of adoration by the submissive, and they figure prominently into activities such as humiliation play, boot licking, and masturbation. (See also: Body Worship, Boot Worship, Humiliation, Paraphilia.)

  Formal Collar. Also sometimes referred to as a slave collar, full collar, or true collar. The formal collar is often said to be analogous to a wedding ring. It is symbolic of what is usually intended to be a lifelong committed and loving relationship between a Dominant and his submissive. Formal collaring ceremonies, similar to weddings, are often performed to commemorate and consecrate the beginning of the relationship. The symbolism of a formal collar obviously means different things to different couples, but it is often referred to as the ultimate gift of one’s submission and self to another; a manifestation of complete and total power exchange. (See also: Collar, Collar of consideration, Collar of Protection, Day collar, Play collar, Training collar)

  Forced Bed Wetting. The practice of forcing submissives to urinate in the bed they must lie in, or to wet themselves in general, in order to emphasize the Dominant’s control over the submissive, or as part of bathroom access control. (See also: AB/DL, Age Play, Bathroom access control, Diaper play, Humiliation, Tickling, Urine Play)

  Forced Collaring. Forced collaring is a uniquely online phenomenon practiced almost entirely by pretenders to the D/s lifestyle. The notion that a person can be forced into a collared relationship against his or her will is ludicrous, but the mythology that surrounds it continues to be perpetuated by those who are ignorant of the lifestyle and the true symbolism of a collar. Many of the would-be submissives who encounter forced collaring for the first time in online chat rooms and similar venues have no idea that it’s a farce, and so they play along, thinking that perhaps it’s some sort of requirement for entry into the mysterious sisterhood of submissives. Invariably, the victim soon learns that the supposed Dominant doesn’t have a clue, the entire situation was a joke, and that she’s been made to look like a complete idiot. For more information on this topic, see Chapter 5: Online BDSM Relationships. (See also: Collar)

  Forced Dressing. Forced dressing refers to any scene or activity where the Dominant requires the submissive to wear specific types or articles of clothing. Typically, forced dressing is used as a part of forced feminization or humiliation play; i.e. when a FemDom forces a submissive male to wear effeminate clothing or lingerie. (See also: FemDom, Forced Feminization, Humiliation)

  Forced Feminization. Forced Feminization is the practice, commonly imposed by FemDom Mistresses upon submissive males, of forcing them to assume traditionally female roles, positions, and traits as part of a humiliation regimen. (See also: FemDom, Forced Dressing, Humiliation)

  Forced Heterosexuality. Forced heterosexuality is the practice of compelling a submissive who typically self-identifies as homosexual to engage in sexual activity with a person of the opposite sex, generally as part of humiliation play. (See also: FemDom, Humiliation.)

  Forced Homosexuality. Forced homosexuality is the practice of compelling a submissive who typically self-identifies as heterosexual to engage in sexual activity with a person of the same sex, generally as part of humiliation play. (See also: FemDom, Humiliation.)

  Forced Masturbation. Forced Masturbation is the practice of forcing a submissive to engage in masturbation while the Dominant, and/or others observe. It is often utilized as part of humiliation play or age play. (See also: Age Play, Humiliation.)

  Forced Nudity. Forced Nudity refers to the practice of denying a submissive the right or opportunity to wear clothing. Forced nudity may be for the duration of a single scene or event, or may be enforced 24/7 in a Dominant’s household.

  Forced Orgasm. Forced Orgasm is the practice of causing a person to experience an orgasm, ostensibly against their will. Since this is, in reality, highly unlikely for fairly obvious reasons, forced orgasm is generally associated with role play involving rape, abduction, bondage, and humiliation. While both men and women sometimes fantasize about being forced to have unwilling orgasms by a Dominant, men have the unique challenge of being unable to convincingly simulate an erection or orgasm. A question that frequently arises on this topic is: Why wouldn’t anyone want to have an orgasm? The answer is quite simple: Guilt. Society teaches many of us from birth that we shouldn’t be turned on by many of the things that we do find stimulating. There can also be religious, relationship-related, and psychological reasons for repressing the urge to orgasm. One fairly common example is the woman who, as the result of a rape or sexual abuse in her past, now associates sex with the abuse and finds it difficult, if not impossible, to have an orgasm the “normal” way. Role play that involves being “forced” to have an orgasm against her will allows her to enjoy the benefits of an orgasm without experiencing the associated guilt for having done so.

  Forced Servitude. Forced Servitude is the practice of compelling a person, typically a submissive, to perform service-related tasks for a Dominant and/or other members of his or her household.

  Forced Smoking. Forced smoking refers to the practice of compelling a bottom to inhale the Top’s exhaled cigarette smoke. It is practiced perhaps most commonly by FemDoms as part of humiliation, sissification, asphyxiation, or torture play. This can be done in a variety of ways, ranging from simply blowing smoke into a bound bottom’s face to pumping smoke into the bottom’s hood or gas mask. The discomfort felt by the bottom, naturally, is significantly increased if he or she is a non-smoker. (See also: Breath Play, FemDom, Humiliation, Sissification, Torture)

  Forniphilia. The derivation of pleasure from being considered and used as if you were a piece of furniture. This may include humiliation, bondage, blindfolds, gags or other forms of BDSM play, but may also be as simple as having a person kneel and be used as a footstool. Unlike most other forms of bondage, forniphilia play may involve remaining bound for extended periods of time, and in those cases, should be practiced with caution. (See also: Human Furniture, Bondage, Humiliation, FemDom)

  Furry. This term refers to someone who engages in a particular form of animal role play characterized by adopting, to the greatest extent possible, the appearance and some mannerisms of a chosen animal. Furries envision themselves and role play the part of humans in animal bodies unlike primals, who typically imagine themselves as animals in human bodies. Many furry role players have an assortment of animal personas, avatars, or costumes to choose from and will switch between them frequently. The most common furry animal roles chosen are cats, dogs ponies, skunks, foxes, rabbits, wolves, and ferrets. Growth in the furry phenomenon has sprung mostly out of cosplay fandom; it is immensely popular among teens and young adults. It is, for that reason, sometimes viewed as a gateway or introduction to more traditional D/s relationships and BDSM activities. Furry role play is not the same thing as pet role play, even though there may sometimes be significant overlap. (See also: Pet play, Pony play, Ponygirl/Ponyboy, Primal, Role play)

  Gag. A gag refers to just about anything placed in or over the mouth (OTM) or even over the nose (OTN) to prevent speech, outcries, biting, or the like. Gags can include such things as an unpretentious strip of cloth, a wide strip of duct tape, a wooden rod, a ball-gag, open-mouth bracing, or even a pony bit.

  Gang Rape Fantasy. Refers to fantasies and/or role play involving being forced to submit to sex with multiple partners, usually in conjunction with abduction play, bondage, torture, or humiliation play. Expressing a gang rape fantasy or any kind of rape fantasy does not mean that someone desires to be raped in real life. When engaging in any form of rape-related role play, particularly with new play partners, it is highly recommended that you thoroughly document the consensual nature of the planned activity prior to the scene. (See also: Consent, Consensual non-consent, Prison fantasy, Rape fantasy)

  Gas Mask.
Gas masks are typically military surplus protective masks and/or hoods originally designed to filter chemical or biological toxins out of the wearer’s breathing air. Usually, the original filters have been removed, so as not to restrict or affect the wearer’s breathing. Gas masks are used for the same purposes as any other BDSM hood, which is commonly to create discomfort, restrict the wearer’s vision, hearing, or ability to speak, produce feelings of claustrophobia, or to humiliate. Gas masks are also sometimes worn by bottoms in asphyxiation play or forced smoking play and by Tops in abduction or rape fantasy play to conceal their identities. (See also: Abduction play, Asphyxiation play, Forced Smoking, Hoods, Humiliation, Smoking play)

  Gates of Hell. Refers to a device worn around the penis and testicles typically consisting of a connected series of rings that encircle the penis with a ring or strap that is secured around the testicles to keep the device in place. The gates of hell may or may not be locked into place with a lock or securing mechanism. The device is used primarily for cock and ball torture (CBT) or for aesthetic purposes. (See also: CBT)

  Girlfag. A person who was born and remains assigned female, yet feels a strong sexual attraction to gay and bisexual men. A girlfag differs from a fag hag because while a fag hag has a strong affinity for gay and bisexual men, her relationships with them are strictly platonic; she is sexually attracted to heterosexual men.

  Given Away. Being “given away” is typically an activity enjoyed by some Master/slave couples which consists of a Master bestowing a third party with the temporary use of his slave for purely sexual purposes. (See also: Auction, Master, Slave)