Partners in Slime

by Mike McCarty

  (Meanwhile, an Army jeep heads down a country road. In the jeep ride three men: two gentlemen in their fifties and the driver, a young man, age twenty-five. COLONEL PETRIE is a tall, powerful man with silver hair and a firm jaw. DR. BELLAMY is a balding, stocky man of medium height wearing horn-rimmed glasses and a lab coat. PRIVATE KINSEY is a fresh-faced fellow who constantly wears a quizzical expression. DR. BELLAMY holds a small metal box with a miniature radar dish on the top.)

  COLONEL PETRIE: Are we still heading in the right direction?

  DR. BELLAMY (glancing down at the metal box): Yes. I only hope we are not too late. If the Time De-Mulsifier fell into the wrong hands...COLONEL PETRIE: Speed it up, Private Kinsey. The future of the entire world–and more importantly, America!–hangs in the balance.

  PRIVATE KINSEY: Yes, sir!

  (The Army jeep speeds up.)

  (BUSTER and EDITH approach the huge, brooding mansion. At one time, it must have been a majestic wonder. Now, shutters hang off their hinges and dead ivy covers most of the walls.)

  EDITH: I don’t like this place, Buster....BUSTER: We’re just here for a bucket of water. We’re not staying. There’s nothing to worry about.

  (BUSTER bounds up onto the porch and knocks on the door. EDITH stays at the bottom of the porch steps, staring up at the building with nervous eyes.)

  BUSTER: Hmmm. Nobody seems to be home. (BUSTER turns the doorknob. The door swings open.) They left the door unlocked. Let’s just go inside for a minute and see if there’s a bucket.

  EDITH: Oh, Buster–I don’t like this!

  BUSTER: Come on–we’ll bring the bucket back when we’re done. It’s not like we’re breaking and entering–the door’s not even locked.

  EDITH (rolling her eyes): Oh, fine. (EDITH walks up onto the porch and enters the building with BUSTER.)

  (BUSTER and EDITH enter a dim foyer. They leave the door open–but after they advance a few steps, the door slams shut behind them.)

  (Startled, BUSTER and EDITH turn toward the door–but they cannot see it. There is only a blank wall where the door should be.)

  EDITH: The door! It was there was a second ago!

  BUSTER: Let’s just find that bucket and some water–and then get the heck out of here!

  (Confused, they wander deeper into the house, BUSTER taking the lead. They enter a shadowy hallway and BUSTER suddenly bumps into MAE BELLE, an elderly woman in a frilly dress clearly meant for someone considerably younger. She wears her thick white hair in pigtails tied with long ribbons.)

  MAE BELLE: Oh! Good morning! I thought I heard voices!

  BUSTER: My name is Buster–my girlfriend Edith and I are having some car trouble, and I was hoping we could borrow a bucket of water.

  MAE BELLE (looking toward EDITH): Hello, Sugar! Don’t be shy. I don’t bite, really I don’t!

  (EDITH smiles and walks up to MAE BELLE.)

  EDITH: Lovely place you have here.

  MAE BELLE: Why, thank you, Sugar! My name is Mae Belle. Mae Belle Clementine Fontaine. Please, both of you follow me and we’ll see if I can find that bucket you need. I may have one in the pantry or the root cellar.

  (MAE BELLE leads BUSTER and EDITH down the long, shadowy hallway, which is lined with dusty portraits of women in ball gowns and gallant soldiers bearing rifles.)

  MAE BELLE (calling out): Beauregard! We have visitors! (They enter the parlor and MAE BELLE stops and turns to BUSTER and EDITH.) Even when he was little, Beauregard used to run around wearing nothing but his undergarments–and old habits are hard to break! I wanted to warn him that company has arrived. It’s been so long–so very long!–since we’ve had guests.

  (BEAUREGARD struts into the parlor from a doorway at the other end. He is a cadaverously thin old man, and yet he is clearly quite spry. He is wearing an elegant robe over silk pajamas. He walks right up to BUSTER and EDITH.)

  BEAUREGARD: Well, well, well! Who do we have here? A fine strapping gentleman and a lovely young thing with big pretty eyes!

  MAE BELLE (to BUSTER and EDITH): I’d like you to meet my brother, Beauregard Lafcadio Fontaine. (To BEAUREGARD) Beauregard, this is Buster and his companion, Edith. (Turning back to BUSTER and EDITH with a smile) You’ll have to forgive my brother Beauregard for greeting you in his pajamas! He is truly an audacious slugabed! He really should be fully dressed by this time.

  BEAUREGARD: Mae Belle, are they here to help us with our...little problem?

  BUSTER: Little problem? Um, we’re in kind of a hurry.

  EDITH: Yes, we’re having car trouble and need to borrow–

  MAE BELLE (to BEAUREGARD): Goodness gracious! Now that you mention it, I do believe these two fine young people might indeed be able to help us with our little problem! It wouldn’t take them long, and after all–they would like us to help them with their little problem! (Turning to BUSTER and MAE BELLE) Isn’t that right, my dear young friends? Surely you could spare us a minute or two in exchange for the assistance you require...?

  BEAUREGARD: I do believe our young visitors have arrived just in time! I assure you, this whole matter won’t take long at all, and you’d certainly be doing Mae Belle and myself a wonderful favor.

  (BUSTER and EDITH exchange nervous glances. Suddenly a distant squealing sound echoes through the mansion.)

  EDITH: What was that?

  MAE BELLE: The wind, Sugar! Just the wind, I’m sure...

  (The Army jeep rolls down the tree-line road and stops behind BUSTER’s car. DR. BELLAMY, COLONEL PETRIE, and PRIVATE KINSEY emerge from the jeep and walk toward the sedan. The two military men are wearing holsters with guns. DR. BELLAMY carries the small metal box.)

  DR. BELLAMY: Here’s Buster’s car. (DR. BELLAMY points to the open hood.) They must have had some car trouble.

  COLONEL PETRIE: Is the Time De-Mulsifier in the vehicle?

  (DR. BELLAMY looks down at the metal box. The little radar dish is pointing not toward the car, but toward the distant mansion.)

  DR. BELLAMY: The Theta-Energy Locator is pointing toward that distant mansion. They must be in there...along with the Time De-Mulsifier.

  PRIVATE KINSEY: So what does the Time De-Mulsifier do, anyway?

  COLONEL PETRIE: None of your concern, Private!

  DR. BELLAMY (to COLONEL PETRIE): Now, Colonel...if this young man is going to help us retrieve the Time De-Mulsifier, I think he has a right to know exactly what we are up against. (Turning to PRIVATE KINSEY) Do you know what an emulsion is, young man?

  PRIVATE KINSEY: Some kind of chemical mixture, right?

  DR. BELLAMY: Very good! To be precise, it is a suspension of tiny drops of one liquid...in a second liquid. In an emulsion, one can mix two liquids that ordinarily do not mix.

  PRIVATE KINSEY: Like oil and water?

  DR. BELLAMY: Exactly!

  PRIVATE KINSEY: So what does all this chemical mumbo-jumbo have to do with Time?

  DR. BELLAMY: You see, Time is actually a river...an eternal, ever-flowing river of chrono-particles. These chrono-particles are constantly flowing all around us, but we cannot absorb them. Each living thing contains its own limited number of chrono-particles.

  PRIVATE KINSEY (thoughtfully): So, it’s like...like each of us is a bucket of water, thoroughly mixed with one cup of oil. An emulsion.

  DR. BELLAMY: Yes! Now, if you wanted to create an emulsion of oil and water, you would have to use an emulsifier–like soap–to break down the oil into droplets that will disperse through the water. Otherwise, the oil would just float on the top.

  PRIVATE KINSEY: So how does The Time De-Mulsifier fit into all this?

  DR. BELLAMY: The Time De-Mulsifier, which runs off an experimental power source known as theta energy, can actually remove all the tiny chrono-particles from one living being...and disperse them into another!

 
; COLONEL PETRIE (to PRIVATE KINSEY): If the soldiers of an enemy nation were armed with Time De-Mulsifiers, they could steal all the chrono-particles out of hard-working Americans and disperse them into their own citizens. Americans would die of old age while lazy foreigners lived forever!

  PRIVATE KINSEY: Holy cats!

  DR. BELLAMY: Buster was the best lab assistant I ever had...and Edith was a marvelous secretary–she made the best coffee I’d ever tasted. Who would have guessed they were working together to steal the very project I was developing for the U.S. Government? (DR. BELLAMY sighs wearily.) I can still remember the first time I tried out the Time De-Mulsifier...(FLASHBACK: The road scene wavers and fades into a laboratory scene. DR. BELLAMY holds a metal dish, seven inches wide and three inches thick. It is covered with dials and has what appears to be a small trumpet-bell in the front. In the center of the laboratory stands a metal stall with a young, healthy horse inside. BUSTER, wearing a lab coat, is standing five feet to the left of the horse. DR. BELLAMY aims the device at the horse and presses a button. Waves of energy zap back and forth between the device and the horse. When the process is complete, the horse has changed into a bony old nag. BUSTER leads the horse out of the lab. DR. BELLAMY then turns his attention to a nearby table, on which rests a large wire cage containing a thin, elderly dog. DR. BELLAMY presses a different button and waves of energy fly back and forth between the machine and the dog. This changes the dog into a frisky puppy. The laboratory scene then wavers and fades back into the road scene.)

  DR. BELLAMY: So you can see, Private Kinsey–it is vitally important that we retrieve the Time De-Mulsifier before Buster can sell it to an enemy nation.

  PRIVATE KINSEY: Why were you building a Time De-Mulsifier for the government?

  COLONEL PETRIE: Silly question! So the government could remove chrono-particles from death-row prisoners and evil foreign dictators and extend the lives of our most beloved American politicians!

  PRIVATE KINSEY: Wow! What are we waiting for? Let’s go get that Time De-Mulsifier!

  COLONEL PETRIE: Atta boy, Private Kinsey!

  (COLONEL PETRIE, DR. BELLAMY and PRIVATE KINSEY return to the jeep and drive toward the mansion.)

  (Inside the mansion, BEAUREGARD and MAE BELLE lead BUSTER and EDITH up a long staircase, lined with more family portraits. BUSTER clutches the handle of the briefcase tightly.)

  BUSTER (to MAE BELLE): These paintings...Did all these people used to live here?

  MAE BELLE: Yes, they did! But now it’s just down to Beauregard and myself. And that vile abomination....BUSTER: Vile what–?

  (They reach the top of the stairs, and now head down another long hallway.)

  BEAUREGARD (to BUSTER): Oh, don’t pay too much attention to anything my dear sister says!

  MAE BELLE: My word, yes! I can be dreadfully addlepated, sometimes. One never knows what I will utter next!

  (The squealing sound echoes through the mansion again–only this time it is much louder. Clearly, they are heading toward the source of this sound.)

  EDITH: There’s that noise again! Don’t tell me that was the wind! Oh, all this excitement and terror is bad for my weak heart!

  MAE BELLE: That’s just the sound of the house settling, Sugar! I’m so used to it, half the time I don’t even hear it!

  (The group has now reached a large oak door at the end of the hallway.)

  BEAUREGARD: Here we are! I do believe we shall now be able to put an end to our little problem. (Pulling a large silver key from the pocket of his robe, BEAUREGARD unlocks the door and pushes it open. He strides into the room.) Come in, please!

  (The group enters a misty, twilight landscape–one cannot see any walls, or even a ceiling.)

  BUSTER (in an awestruck tone): What is this place...?

  EDITH (to BUSTER): I’m frightened! Let’s get out of here! (EDITH turns, looking for a way out. The door is still there, standing in the mist with no wall around it–but BEAUREGARD is locking the door with the silver key.) Buster! He’s locking us in!

  MAE BELLE (to EDITH): Oh, now don’t you fret your pretty little head, Sugar! There’s nothing to be afraid of. The Alienoid isn’t so bad, once you get used to him!

  BUSTER: The...Alienoid?

  BEAUREGARD: A pathetic creature–that’s all he is. An eerie, misbegotten monstrosity! One should pity, not fear him. Cry for him! Cry for the Alienoid...(BEAUREGARD points into the mist.) And here he comes now!

  (From out of the mist emerges a tall, dark, looming figure–the ALIENOID. Webbing, like a bat’s wings, stretches from his arms and connects to the sides of his black-furred body, down to his ankles. His oversized, angular head resembles that of a praying mantis, except he has three bulbous, multifaceted eyes instead of two.)

  (EDITH screams and faints, collapsing to the floor. BUSTER, still clutching the briefcase by its handle, rushes to her and kneels by her side.)

  BUSTER (looking down at EDITH): Edith! Are you okay? Edith! (He looks up–and sees that while the ALIENOID remains, MAE BELLE and BEAUREGARD are gone.)

  (In the long downstairs hallway of the mansion, DR. BELLAMY, COLONEL PETRIE and PRIVATE KINSEY are looking around.)

  DR. BELLAMY (shouting): Hello? Is anyone here?

  COLONEL PETRIE: Somebody must be in here somewhere. The front door wasn’t locked.

  PRIVATE KINSEY: In the country, people don’t always lock the door when they leave. I grew up on a farm in Nebraska and we never locked any of the doors.

  DR. BELLAMY (to PRIVATE KINSEY): I take it you’re not from a rich family. Correct?

  PRIVATE KINSEY: That’s true, sir.

  DR. BELLAMY: Rich people always lock their doors when they leave, Private, no matter where they live. And the people who live here–they may not take care of the place, but they’ve got money.

  PRIVATE KINSEY: It’s funny, sir....After we entered the house, I closed the door behind us. As we headed into the house, I happened to look back–and the door was gone! I thought maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me. Is that possible?

  DR. BELLAMY: People’s eyes usually play tricks on them after a few mint juleps...and I know for a fact you haven’t had a drop to drink. Unless that canteen of yours out in the jeep is filled with vodka!

  (DR. BELLAMY, COLONEL PETRIE and PRIVATE KINSEY proceed down the hall and enter the parlor. There they meet MAE BELLE and BEAUREGARD, both of whom are carrying suitcases. A long back-scratcher is sticking out of BEAUREGARD’s suitcase.)

  MAE BELLE: My goodness! More visitors! Three stalwart gentlemen callers!

  BEAUREGARD: What a pity we can’t stay and entertain them as prescribed by family tradition.

  COLONEL PETRIE (pointing at the suitcases): Where do you two think you’re going?

  MAE BELLE: Many years ago, good sir, my brother Beauregard and I welcomed a guest from a distant land into our home. Since that time, we have not been allowed to leave.

  BEAUREGARD: Our guest is a rather peculiar fellow. A scientist. He made our house his laboratory and home, and kept us on the premises as test subjects. He used his considerable mental powers to beguile and confuse us. He actually rendered us incapable of finding the door!

  MAE BELLE: Yes! We know where it should be–but we cannot see or feel it. Most befuddling!

  BEAUREGARD: But now our guest has turned his attention to others–and so we are taking advantage of this recent distraction to make our departure!

  PRIVATE KINSEY (to BEAUREGARD): I don’t think you’ll be able to find the door. I wasn’t able to see it a minute ago.

  MAE BELLE: Oh no! Apparently our guest has greater powers than we’d realized!

  COLONEL PETRIE (to BEAUREGARD): Take us to these ‘others’ you mentioned. Immediately!

  BEAUREGARD: Sir! I am not accustomed to being ordered about in my own home.

  (COLO
NEL PETRIE pulls his gun from its holster and points it at BEAUREGARD. PRIVATE KINSEY does the same.)

  BEAUREGARD (putting down his suitcase): I say, gentlemen–and I use the term loosely!–how dare you threaten me with firearms in front of a refined lady! (BEAUREGARD nods toward MAE BELLE, who smiles at her brother.) You’ve drawn your weapons, but are you really prepared to shoot an unarmed, elderly man? I am going to march right out the front door, and if my dear sister is wise, she will follow me forthwith!

  MAE BELLE (to BEAUREGARD): But you heard what the young man said! You still won’t be able to see or feel the front door.

  BEAUREGARD: My dear sister, I have spent the last several years working on improving my powers of concentration, in anticipation of an opportunity of this nature! I tell you, I will indeed see, feel and open that front door!

  (So saying, BEAUREGARD picks up his suitcase and heads down the hall toward the front door. No one tries to stop him.)

  MAE BELLE (to COLONEL PETRIE and PRIVATE KINSEY): So! I see my brother was right. You silly soldiers are just waving your precious little pea-shooters around with no intention of firing a shot.

  (We hear the sound of the front door creaking open.)

  MAE BELLE: I do declare, you gentlemen are the most ridiculous peppersnipes I have ever had the misfortune of casting my eyeballs upon! (MAE BELLE giggles like a schoolgirl.) Now if you’ll excuse me, this faded Southern flower is off to meet her bro– (A shrill cry of pain and horror from BEAUREGARD echoes from the front of the house. Everyone turns in the direction of the scream.)

  MAE BELLE: Beauregard!

  (MAE BELLE, DR. BELLAMY, COLONEL PETRIE and PRIVATE KINSEY hurry to the front door, which is now visible. We see that the door has been blocked open with the back-scratcher. MAE BELLE is about to step out of the house, but DR. BELLAMY holds her back with a gentle hand on her shoulder.)

  DR. BELLAMY (to MAE BELLE): You’d better let us see what happened to your brother.

  (MAE BELLE nods solemnly and moves aside. DR. BELLAMY, COLONEL PETRIE and PRIVATE KINSEY step out onto the porch. At the bottom of the porch steps is the corpse of BEAUREGARD–completely dehydrated, like a centuries-old cadaver.)