by Pol Robinson
A warm hand settled on her forearm and the illusion was shattered. Cass blinked and then forced a small smile. “Oh, hey! Uh, Laura.” She glanced past Laura, hoping that the tall Australian wasn’t anywhere nearby.
Laura chuckled, her smile cautious. “Yeah. Laura Kelley. Remember me? I picked you up at the airport? Was rude to you?” Laura glanced around, then down again at Cass. “We shared a hug a week or so back? Ring a bell?” Laura turned and looked over her shoulder, then back at Cass. “Who’re you looking for?”
“Um, nobody.” Flustered, she looked anywhere but at Laura’s face. “I’m sorry, it’s just that, well...” Cass stopped and looked away. “I haven’t seen you, you even moved your bed back to your room, and...” Cass trailed off uncertainly, suddenly angry with herself. She sounded like a sad little girl and hated that. Determinedly, she took a deep breath and for the first time, looked directly into Laura’s eyes. “I, um, got your note.” At Laura’s look of confusion, she explained. “That day, the day of the race. I got your note. It meant a lot to me.”
“I’m glad.”
Laura stepped closer and Cass’s heart stuttered. She looked again over Laura’s shoulder, this time desperately hoping to spot Sheila. She was afraid her feelings were there for all the world to see and she needed to get away. Desperate to sound normal, she searched for something, anything to say. “I wanted to...well, we haven’t had five minutes together and I wanted to say congratulations on your win.”
“Thanks.” Laura looked away and then back again. She gestured vaguely over her shoulder and said, “Listen. About, uh, Abby—”
“Oh, was that her name?” Cass asked hastily, thankful for the growing darkness that hid her rising flush. “Yeah. I’m sorry, I’m sure you want to get back to her. Anyway, uh, well, great job. I’ll see you around.” She turned and quickly stepped away from the van. She’d find another way back. “Hey!” Cass stopped and looked back at the sound of Laura’s voice. The announcer was saying something to the crowd on the waterfront and Cass wasn’t certain Laura had spoken.
“Hey,” Laura said again, this time in a softer voice as she strode over to where Cass stood. “What’s going on?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean—” She stopped and then simply tilted her head and gazed at Cass, her expression imploring. After a long moment she ran a frustrated hand through her hair and then shrugged, clearly at a loss for words.
Cass tried not to notice that the light hit those auburn curls and made them glow. She tightened her fingers into fists as, against her will, the memory of how soft those curls were flashed across her mind. She watched Laura struggle for words and then realized the absurdity of the moment. She’d spent weeks getting to know this woman, falling for her when she should have been focused on her own preparations. Then she’d been depressed beyond all logical reason the past couple of days when it became clear that Laura was avoiding her. And now here she was, in front of her, and Cass’s first instinct was to run away.
Laura shoved her hands into the pockets of her shorts. She peered at Cass and then said, “Cass, I...I want you to know that I want this. But I’m...I need a little time. Can you give me that?”
For the third time that evening Cass felt her heart stutter to a halt. Felt the sickening swoop in her belly and felt a warmth wash over her. “You want...what, Laura?” After the emotional roller-coaster of the past few weeks, she needed to hear it out loud.
Laura frowned and then shifted, her shoulders hunched. She reminded Cass of a teenager about to be punished. After a moment, Laura looked up. “I didn’t imagine it, did I? I thought we... I felt like we connected, Cass. I want...I really want to explore that. But...” She trailed off and her gaze dropped to the medal hanging once again around Cass’s neck. She looked from the gold to the silver around her own neck and blew out a slow breath. “I don’t know how to...to get past it.”
“What?” Cass couldn’t help herself. When Laura hurt, she hurt, and she had to do something about that. Couldn’t not do something. Laying a hand on Laura’s arm, she gave it a little shake. “Get past what?”
“I cost us the gold.” She whispered, her voice awash in pain. “We... if we hadn’t had to do the repechage. Because of Shelly and her goddamned interference, we had to race a third race. And...God, it kills me. We had to race again and it was too much. You almost lost your chance too. Because of me. Of...her.”
“Laura, you can’t...you aren’t responsible for this, you know.” Cass grasped Laura’s silver medal and gave it a tug. “Or, I guess, you are. You and your crew just won a silver medal! How can that mean failure?” Dropping the medal, Cass stepped back. “God, you expect so much from yourself. You’re not responsible for the world, you know. Just you.”
Taking a deep breath, Cass plunged on, knowing that she might be pushing too far. “You have to learn how to let this stuff go, Laura, or...I don’t know the ‘or,’ but...you just have to. You are not responsible for any of it. Brenda’s death, and God knows it was tragic, was not your fault. Your shell’s sabotage, the hearing about me, none of it was you. Having met...Shelly,” and Cass couldn’t keep the anger and revulsion she felt from her voice, “I’m amazed that you’re as whole as you are. Look at her! She’s damaged, Laura, and she’s damaging you. Everything she touches is blackened by...oh, I’m sure evil is too strong a word, but the woman is unbalanced. And you’re letting her unbalance you, even now.”
Laura turned her stricken gaze to Cass and it took everything in her to not reach forward and wrap Laura in her arms. As much as she wanted to, she wouldn’t. Laura had asked for time, and, as much as she wanted what she wanted now, she had to step back. Give Laura what she needed. She reached up and laid a gentle hand on Laura’s face, her thumb gently caressing her cheekbone, her fingers sliding back into the silken auburn hair. “Please don’t get me wrong. I want to explore what we might have too. But...you need to be sure of what you want. I need you to be sure.”
Cass took a deep breath and stepped back, her hand dropping from Laura’s warm skin. She immediately felt the loss and her fingers tingled from the touch. “You asked for time. Okay...When you’re ready, come find me.”
It took everything she had to turn and walk away, knowing she was leaving Laura in pain.
Chapter Forty-Three
Cass spun around, letting the almost primal rhythm of the drums carry her where they would through the crowd. Around her, in the flickering semidarkness of the stadium, thousands of other athletes were dancing, swaying, shouting and singing to the music. Cass knew most of those around her couldn’t understand a word of what the singers were saying, but right here, right now, the words did not matter. Their spirits were singing. Rejoicing really, in the moment; reveling in the freedom and the high of the post-adrenaline rush that follows the Olympic Games.
Flashes of red, green, gold and black and every shade in between danced past them as smiling athletes bumped and jostled each other in their celebration of a Games well ended. Oh, there had been moments. Profound moments, sad moments, even outrageous moments over the last seventeen days. But, when all was said and done, those moments were now forever lost in time, left to verbose commentators to wax philosophical over in their wrap-up commentary.
By her side, gyrating madly to the music, was Amy. Arms waving, hair flying as if she did not have a care in the world, Amy danced as if her feet were on fire. The drummers’ cadence increased, as did the frenzy of movement around her, bringing her back to her surroundings. Cass briefly lost sight of Amy in the undulating crowd, but could see the other members of the U.S. team around her. Faces she was coming to know and some she’d still like to know better.
“This is amazing!” Amy’s breathless laughter was contagious.
“Yeah.”
Cass smiled as she worked her way toward the entrance, peripherally aware that once again, the rhythm of the music changed. Reaching their highest peak yet, the drums suddenly stopped, seeming to take with them the
lights from the stadium. Plunged into total blackness, the athletes-turned-dancers stopped and conversations became hushed. Cass felt people moving past her in the ever-fluid ebb and flow of the ocean of athletes on the floor, but heard no voices she recognized; nor, now that she could distinguish one from another, any language that she knew.
For a moment, she felt utterly alone in the teeming throng. She closed her eyes, trying to erase the image of Laura standing before her just a week ago. Alone and so sad. But she’d asked for time and Cass had given it to her. She wished, however, that she knew how much time Laura had meant. Let it go, Cass. It was the moment. The time you mistook the warm-fuzzy Olympic love for the real thing and now look at you. Crap. This sucks. She determinedly shook off her bad mood and instead thought of the gold medal Coach had safely tucked away for her. I did that. I won a gold medal. For a moment, despite her sadness and confusion, she let herself feel that thrill again.
Lights flooded the stadium floor once more and Cass, along with everyone else, threw their hands up to shield their eyes, reminding Cass of a scene from the X-Files. With the drama and spectacle evidenced by the Chinese planning commission, she half expected to see a triangular spaceship floating overhead. Instead the blazing lights danced around the stadium and then swiveled to focus on the main stage once more.
“Cassandra Flynn?” A soft voice called Cass’s name.
Cass turned toward the voice, not recognizing the tiny woman with the Korean flag stitched above the Olympic logo on her polo shirt. She did, however, recognize the universal gesture for “picture.”
“You want me to take a picture of you?”
The woman smiled and shook her head. “Yes, please. Take picture with you? Yes?”
Surprised, Cass could only nod. “Uh, sure! What’s your name?”
The Korean bowed slightly to her while handing her little camera off to her friend. “Xiao Li Ju.”
Cass stepped in, throwing her arm around the smaller woman’s shoulder. “Uh, well, nice to meet you...Xiao?”
The Korean woman blinked the flash spots out of her eyes and grinned at Cass. “No, no, Cassandra, it is Li Ju.” She hesitated for a second and continued, “My friends say only Li.” She nodded to Cass. “So, Li? Yes?”
“Oh! Yes, Li!” Cass bowed slightly, smiling at the grin that blossomed on Li’s face. “Li it is, and my friends call me Cass.” She quickly pulled her camera out of her pocket and, gesturing with it to Li and her friend asked, “May I?”
Li and her companion grinned and nodded, moving closely together. Cass pointed the camera and stopped suddenly. “Wait.” She grabbed the arm of a passing athlete and shoved the camera in his hands. Li quickly did the same with hers. “Hey, picture?”
The big man grinned, his red-green-and-black cap slipping down to cover one ear. “Yah, mon, no problem.”
Cass quickly jumped to stand near the two Korean women, who in turn moved to make room for her in the middle. Cass laughed briefly. She suddenly felt very tall; her five-foot, three-inch muscular frame made her feel as if she towered over her two counterparts. She nodded to her newly elected photographer and he grinned from behind the camera.
“Nice, yes, very nice...okay? Ready...and...” Blinded by the flashes as he quickly took two pictures, Cass could only blink and smile at him as he returned their cameras. She turned back to the women. “Thank you both. I’m sorry, I don’t recognize you, are you scullers?” She didn’t think so, but perhaps they were reserves on the Korean team.
Li smiled. “No, gymnasts. We, Shinyong and I, saw your races and we wanted to meet you.” Both women bowed and smiled again, and Li offered shyly, “You fought well, for your victory.”
Cass grinned back and offered a little bow of her own. “Well, thank you, it was great to meet you.” She watched the two women disappear into the crowd, chattering happily to each other and peering at Li’s camera. Beyond them, she thought she spied the entrance marker and began to move in that direction. The lights of the stadium flickered, then just as suddenly as before, the lights went out. Again.
Cass grumbled to herself, good-naturedly, Well, how the heck are we supposed to find anything if they keep turning off the lights? Tonight had been indescribable. So much to see and do, it was all a bit overwhelming. Cass hoped she never lost the wonder and magic of the moment, nor the memory. Despite the lingering sadness over the loss of whatever-it-was she might have had with Laura and the shadow cast by Shelly, Cass had had an amazing experience here.
She was glad she and Amy had left the village before everyone else, just to get some more touring in before the closing ceremonies and Amy’s flight later tonight. Since the team didn’t have to report for prep for the upcoming Worlds until the first week of September, Cass was not due to fly back to the U.S. until the following week.
Originally, she and a few other scullers had planned to tour parts of China together, but those plans had fallen apart after Sarah’s injury. Cass shuddered in the darkness as she relived hearing the grinding, snapping crunch as the Dutch shell cut through the center of theirs just past the finish of their race. She could still taste her fear, feel her frustration as her fingers fumbled to free her feet from the shoes bolted into the foot stretcher and most of all she could hear Sarah’s screams as the saltwater rushed in and filled the gaping hole in her leg and thigh. The fine and punishment of the camera boat for causing the Dutch crew to crab at the finish couldn’t make up for Sarah’s injury, or the long moments spent in the water waiting for the support boats to help her, but the money would go a long way toward Sarah getting good treatment. Pam had wanted to get her back to the States as soon as she could to have an orthopedist look at the injury, but Sarah had insisted on staying through tonight, where she could watch the events live on television. She’d sent her parents down to represent her, to the delight of her dad.
Cass shivered again and resolutely pushed the memory aside, not wanting to think about Sarah or her injury. The possibility that Sarah might not get to row again was unthinkable, though not unimaginable. Not too long ago that prospect had loomed large on her own horizon. It wasn’t fair and it sickened Cass to think of it. Sarah had been her mentor, the first person—after Amy—to welcome Cass to the U.S. rowing team’s little circle. Now, with Sarah and Pam going home early and a little under a week left to play with, Cass found herself planning on touring China alone. For just a moment, the shouting and laughter among her fellow athletes was overwhelming. She was tired of being alone.
A gasp went up among the athletes, pulling Cass’s attention back to crowd, as the stands lit up with ten thousand flickering lights. For the first time since they’d poured onto the floor of the arena, the athletes grew quiet. Cass instinctively turned back toward the way she’d come, wondering what was in store for them now.
“Um, hello.” A soft voice said the words in her ear and Cass couldn’t help but jump in surprise. Laura had appeared by her side just as little fairy lights began to light up the stadium, appearing intermittently, like stars in the night sky.
Speechless, Cass could only stare up at her. She was the last person she’d expected to find standing next to her, also staring in wonder at the thousands of flickering lights dancing across the velvety blackness of the stadium walls.
Laura nodded in the direction the two Korean women had gone. “Looks like you have some fans.”
Heart racing, Cass could only nod. Realizing she had to say something, she stammered, “H-hi. Um...” Well done, O Smooth One. She finally shows up and you’re unable to speak. “Uh, yeah, they were really sweet.” She eyed Laura, searching her face for some clue as to how she was feeling. Her eyes were clear and the tight set of her shoulders—so familiar to Cass—was gone. She seemed...looser, somehow. Lighter. Even as she studied her, however, Laura’s expression tightened. She took a half step back from Cass, as if uncertain of her welcome.
Cass felt like an idiot. Here was her opportunity. She came looking for you, dummy. After a week of no contact,
she’s here. Say something. Anything! They stood staring at one another in silence as the music started again, this time a soothing, almost water-like flow to it. A high, lilting voice carried over the crowd, rising and falling perfectly in time with the waves of fairy lights cascading around them. Cass felt for a moment as if she were drowning, but she wasn’t panicked. Wasn’t afraid. She gazed into Laura’s eyes and felt...comforted. Safe. She tilted her head and arched an eyebrow as she offered, softly, “I’ve missed you.”
A quirk of a smile crossed Laura’s lips and she moved a tiny bit closer. “Me too. You, I mean.” She reached up and massaged the back of her neck, looking around at the milling, chattering crowd, then again up to the stands filled with tiny white lights. When she looked back at Cass her expression was warm, open. “I wanted to...to thank you.”
Oh. Her heart sank and she forced a friendly, interested smile across her lips.
“To...thank me?” Cass asked, keeping her voice steady. “For?”
“For not...I don’t know. Not pushing me last week. Or maybe for pushing me. You were right. I needed to talk to someone. And,” she sighed, her next words barely audible in the growing noise of the crowd. “I needed to learn to...let go.”
“And have you?” Cass moved closer as the crowd pressed in.
“I’m getting there.”
“Do you still need time?”
“Yes, but.” Laura held her gaze. “I don’t think I need to do it all alone.”
Oh, she thought again, but this time instead of her heart sinking to her shoes she felt it rise up, straight through her body, warming her from head to toe. This time she didn’t have to force a smile, it came easily. She grinned up at Laura and felt a thrill when she grinned back, no reservations in her expression, those enticing green eyes sparkling.