Uncovering Peace

by Steffy Rogers

  “Whoa. Tell me how you really feel, dude. Seriously though, you need to get your head in the game or it’ll kill you. I get it, the situation is fucked up, but you can’t dwell on it. Not here. Your life and others’ depend on it. You can’t get yourself or one of the guys killed because your thoughts aren’t one hundred percent where they’re supposed to be. You can worry about all the shit later when we get back. If she really loves you, she won’t marry him. If she does, well sorry, bud, then she isn’t the right one.”

  I glare at him even though I know he’s right. It’s dangerous out there. I need to be focused and let it all go for the time being.

  “I really hate it when you’re right.” He grins at me cockily and I just want to pummel his face in.

  “Wipe that shit eating grin off your face before I knock you out.”

  “Hahaha. You can try.” When he walks out of the gym I follow him. I head to my bed and finally fall asleep.

  Waking up a few hours later, the guys are already packing up for another mission. Fuck. I barely got any sleep and who knows how long we’ll be out this time. We never know how much time a mission will take. I’m in a road clearance unit, so our job is to find IEDs and disable them. It’s dangerous, tiring and overall frustrating.

  After a few minutes I’m fully dressed, have my gear and am ready to go. I make sure to pack my notepad so I can at least write to Faith while we’re out.

  My team is waiting for me when I finally make it to our Humvee.

  “’Bout fucking time! We don’t have forever you know,” Tyler shouts at me. The urge to break his face is back.

  “Shut the fuck up. I’m here. Let’s go. The sooner we get back, the better.”

  We leave the FOB once everything is loaded up.

  Tyler has brought his iPod and is currently serenading us with “I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys and all the guys are singing along. I swear if I didn’t love them like brothers I’d take my AK 47 and shoot every single one of those fuckers. Instead, I just endure their shit. I know they’re only doing it to lighten the mood. As badass as we like to pretend we are, we are scared shitless every time we leave our FOB. You never know what’s awaiting you on the other side. The enemy is always watching. We all know it.

  I sit in the back while I watch the guys singing along to “Wannabe” by Spice Girls. Apparently today’s theme is the nineties. One of the guys, Marcus, hits my shoulders.

  “Come on, Jacobs. Stop being such a party pooper. You know you love some Spice Girls. Fucking Emma was hot. I always had a crush on her.”

  “I’m not sure how I feel about you admitting you were into the Spice Girls. Sounds to me like you’re a pussy ass bitch.”

  “Shit, I’ll fully admit that the Spice Girls were hot back in the day,” Tyler chimes in.

  “Okay, I really fear for your guys’ sanity,” I mock them.

  “Dude, you know you would’ve boned them.”

  “No way in fucking hell.”

  “Whatever. I don’t believe you unless you’re gay.”

  “Only for you, Tyler, only for you.”

  “I knew it. I always knew you wanted in my pants. Sorry, but I’m a ladies man. Damn, some pussy sure would be nice right now. Might have to go check out the girls in the other units when we get back.”

  “You’re such a pig, Tyler.” I scold him but can’t help but laugh. I know exactly how he feels. I’d give about anything to have Faith right now. I really want to strangle these guys sometimes, but they’re my brothers.

  The next couple of days go by rather quickly and we’re headed back to our FOB. Luckily, we didn’t come across the enemy or any IEDs. I have slept maybe eight hours in the last three days so I’m exhausted.

  Once we get to the FOB I head to take a shower. When you’re out on a mission baby wipes become your best friend. The shower feels like heaven right now. Opting for one of my microwavable dinners, I skip out on the chow hall. The food there is nasty more often than not.

  After scarfing down my food, I sit down to finally write Faith. With the guys constantly watching I didn’t have a chance while we were out. There’s no need for them to know about my personal things.

  I won’t even lie. I’m crying like a baby writing this, but it’s the right thing to do. She needs space and I need to give that to her. If I’ve learned anything about Faith, it’s that the more I push her, the farther away she drifts. I can’t let that happen, so I’ll play by her rules and make her believe that I’m moving on. It hurts like fucking hell, but I will do anything for this girl.

  Chapter 7

  Faith

  -Seventeen years old-

  I turned seventeen two days ago. Aunt Martha and Caige surprised me with a birthday cake and the news that the adoption is finally complete. When I was placed in Martha’s care she insisted on adopting me so I’d never have to worry about my parents again. She always tells me I’m like the daughter she never had anyways. I’ve been wearing a smile ever since my birthday, knowing my life is finally looking up. We were also able to get my name changed. So on myseventeenth birthday I officially became Faith Livingston. I have no more ties to my birth family and I couldn’t be happier.

  The case against my dad is scheduled for two weeks from today. I’m scared shitless to face my father again. If it was my choice, I’d never see him again. I’m aware though that I have to testify in order for him to pay for what he did to me. I’ve already been questioned by the police several times and the day this nightmare is over can’t come fast enough. I know I’m finally free and hopefully this last step will help me feel that way as well.

  “What’s going on in that beautiful head of yours, Squirt?” Caige interrupts my thoughts.

  “I was just thinking about the court date. I really don’t wanna go back to Washington or see him. That place doesn’t hold any good memories for me.”

  “It’ll be okay. Martha and I’ll be right by your side.”

  “Wait. You’re coming too?”

  “Yes, we booked my flight last night. You didn’t really think I’d let you do this alone?”

  I throw myself at him and hug him as hard as I can. He has no idea what this means to me. Caige has been my anchor over the last year. I have no idea where I’d be if he hadn’t found me.

  “Everything’s gonna be alright. This nightmare will be over very soon.”

  “I hope so.” It’s getting harder to cope with this mess the closer the day gets.

  He grabs my arms, brushing over the scars. “This needs to stop as well, Faith. You can’t keep doing this.”

  “It helps me forget the pain... at least for a little while, Caige. I can’t explain it. It just does.”

  “There are other ways. Maybe it’s time for you to talk to someone.”

  “I don’t want to talk to a fucking shrink. We’ve been over this. I. Am. Fine.”

  I hate when he brings up the cutting. I’ve been doing a lot better. It doesn’t happen as frequently anymore. Mostly I cut after dreams of my father. The tears are welling up. Fuck. Why did he have to say something?

  “Don’t cry. I’m sorry, okay? I just hate when you’re suffering. It hurts me seeing your arms, you know?”

  Dammit. The last thing I want to do is hurt Caige. I need to get a handle on this.

  “I promise I’ll try to do better. I’m sorry.” I wrap my arms around his middle. I never feel as safe as I do when I’m around Caige. He’s like my big brother and I know he’ll always protect me.

  Two weeks later we’re all on a plane to Washington. I’ve thrown up three times already. I won’t make it - I can’t see him again. My nerves are completely shot. I haven’t slept worth shit in days and if I did I always woke from nightmares.

  “Breathe, Faith, you’re so damn pale. A vampire has more color than you do.”

  I start laughing - Caige is such a dork. He always knows what to say to make me feel better.

  The flight attendant comes by offering snacks and drinks. I gladl
y accept some crackers. That’s about all I can handle right now. My mood has lightened a little, but my stomach is still in knots.

  After a layover in Charlotte, we finally make it to Washington. Flagging down a taxi, we’re on the way to the hotel. We’ll be here for about three days till we fly back to Georgia. I wish it was time to turn around already.

  “Do you guys want to go out for dinner or do you want me to order a pizza?” Martha asks.

  “Pizza is fine. I’m gonna lie down for a bit. I’m exhausted.”

  “Okay, sweetheart. We’re here if you need anything.”

  “I’m gonna lie down with her. We’ll be in our room.” Caige and I have gotten our own room. There was a time when Martha thought that there was more than a sibling bond between us, but luckily she realized that she couldn’t be more wrong. He’s like my brother and he senses that I need him right now.

  Being back in my home town is hard. I have so many bad memories of this place. I have been beaten, raped, and humiliated here. It’s the last place on earth I want to be.

  I crawl into bed with Caige right behind me, wrapping me into his arms and comforting me.

  “I’m so scared. What if they don’t believe me and let him free? I can’t be on the run for the rest of my life.”

  “That’s not gonna happen. You know the police believe you. So will the judges and jury. There’s no way he’ll walk out of there without handcuffs.”

  “I hope you’re right. God, I hate this fucking place.”

  “Three days. Three days is all you have to endure before we leave again. Then you never have to look back. You can do it, you’re strong.”

  “Thank you for saving me, Caige. You’re my hero. I’ll never be able to pay you back.”

  “Don’t worry about it, Squirt. Everyone needs saving at one point in their life. I just happened to be at the right place at the right time. I’m not a hero. I’m just a guy who cares about other people.”

  “You’re the best,” I mumble as I drift asleep.

  “Faith! Faith! Wake up! It’s a dream.”

  As I wake up, it takes me a moment to realize where I am. Then it hits me. Washington. Court. My father. I jump out of bed and run to the bathroom. I empty the contents of my stomach into the bowl. I feel Caige at my back holding my hair. I’m still dry heaving but there’s nothing left.

  “It’s okay. Everything’s okay. It was just a dream.” Caige is soothingly rubbing my back. I hate when he sees me like this. I try so hard to be strong, but then something triggers a memory and I break down. I can’t keep doing this. I finally get myself together.

  “Will you get me my toiletry bag, please? I need to brush my teeth.”

  “Sure.” Seconds later he returns. He leaves me alone to tend to myself for a minute. I dig into the bag till I find what I’m looking for. I know I promised Caige to do better, but I need this right now.

  Pulling down my sweatpants, I sit on the toilet and hold the razorblade to my thigh. I wish I could stop, but I’m too weak. I cut into my flesh and watch as the blood slowly trickles out before it starts bleeding harder. In this moment I forget all my pain. It’s freeing. Adrenaline is pumping through me. I feel like I’m in a trance. Nothing around me matters.

  “Is everything okay in there?” Martha knocks on the door. Fuck.

  “Yes, everything’s alright. I just needed a minute. I’ll be right out.”

  “Okay. The pizza just arrived.”

  I get a bandage to wrap up my leg. It’s still bleeding pretty strong. I cut deeper than I thought.

  After finishing up, I walk over to Martha’s room. Our room is adjoining to hers with a living area on her side. Caige is already scarfing down pizza.

  “Here, I saved you two slices before he eats them all.” Martha hands me a plate. The smell hits me and I realize how hungry I am. With all the puking, there’s nothing left in my stomach. I devour the slices.

  “Well, I’m glad you’re finally eating again. I almost thought I’d have to take you to the hospital and get you a feeding tube.” Caige smiles at me. I just flip him the bird. Asshole.

  We sit around watching TV until it’s time to go to bed. I try not to think about the next day, but it’s becoming harder with each minute.

  “Don’t think about it. This time tomorrow we’ll be celebrating. I might even be able to convince Martha to get us some beer.”

  “You know that won’t happen.” I laugh.

  “You never know. We might get lucky. Anyways, you got this, babygirl. If anyone can do it, it’s you.”

  “What are you talking about?” I eye him suspiciously.

  “You don’t even realize how strong you are, Squirt. It takes a lot to finally stand up for yourself. Not everybody has the balls to run away and drive across country. You decided you wouldn’t let him hurt you anymore. A lot of people never get there. They just let it happen over and over again. You have accomplished so much since then. You’re an honor roll student and are going to college on a scholarship. You’re not just gonna sit there and let life pass you by. I know how it is to hit rock bottom, but it’s only up from there. I think life has great things in store for you. I believe in you.”

  My eyes are watering. This is probably the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me. No one has ever believed in me. All my life I was told that I was nothing and that I would never accomplish anything. To hear Caige say that he believes in me means the world to me.

  “Stop crying, you sissy pants. Now, let’s catch some sleep. And don’t kick me again. It’s no fun when you get hit in the mouth because the girl you share a bed with is thrashing around.”

  “Shut up or I will make you sleep on the floor.”

  He turns off the lights and climbs in bed with me.

  “You know, an outsider looking in would definitely think we are together, but I’m glad you’re here with me. I don’t think I could sleep alone tonight.”

  “I don’t care what other people think. If you need me I’ll be here even if that means sharing a bed with you.”

  The dreaded morning arrives. It’s eight a.m. and we’re on the way to the courthouse. My breathing is labored and I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack.

  “It’s almost over, darling. You can do it. We’ll be with you the entire time.” Martha tries to calm me down but she barely gets through to me. I’m terrified. It’s been a year and today I will have to face the man who shattered me. I’m not ready. I’ll never be.

  “Why do I have to be here for this? Isn’t my police statement enough?”

  “I’m so sorry, if I could save you from this, I would. But there’s nothing I can do.”

  “I know. I’m just nervous.” I manage to get my breathing under control.

  We arrive at our destination a couple of minutes later. Traffic in Seattle is a bitch but we get to the courthouse just in time. We walk inside looking for the right courtroom.

  I can sense him before I see him. The hair on my body is standing up. I turn to my left and there he is – the man of my nightmares – Cory Smith. Grabbing Caige’s arm, I try to hold myself up. He looks at me confused until he sees my father.

  “Fuck. That’s him, isn’t it?” His body stiffens. I know if I look up I will see the rage in his eyes.

  “I can’t do this, Caige. I just can’t. Get me out of here.”

  “You have to, Faith. Otherwise he’ll get away with what he did.”

  “I don’t care. I don’t want to go in there. Please, Caige.” I’m ready to fall to my knees and beg if that’s what it takes. I can’t do this.

  “We both know you don’t mean that. You’d always have to live in fear that he’ll come after you. I’m sorry, Faith, but if I have to carry you in there, I will. We can’t let him walk from this. I’m not gonna let that happen.”

  “Well, well, well... Look who we have here. My ungrateful slut of a daughter. Hello, Katherine.” My father spews out. His voice sends shivers through my body.

  “Leave h
er alone,” Caige warns him.

  “Or what? Will she make up more stories? They won’t believe her stupid little lies. I’m gonna walk out of here a free man. Mark my words.”

  “That’ll never happen, you fucking bastard. You have destroyed my life. I’m gonna tell them everything.” I spit out. It’s the first time I’ve ever stood up to him and it feels good.

  He leans in close to me and whispers in my ear so only I can hear, “Listen carefully, little bitch. You’re going in there and you’re gonna tell them that you lied. If you don’t, I will find you and your little boy toy here and kill you both. You’re just like your filthy, little whore of a mother. I know you enjoyed every time I fucked that tight pussy of yours. You wanted it.” He is inches away from me and barely whispering.

  “You’ll never touch me again. I’ll make sure of it,” I tell him trying to make my voice sound braver than I actually feel. I can’t let him see what his words have done to me. Images of him hovering over me are flooding my mind. I walk away from him. I don’t want to be anywhere close to the monster any longer and the sooner I can get this over with the better.

  I’m called into the courtroom and while Martha and Caige sit down in the audience, I am called up to the witness stand.

  Dad is sitting next to his defender, his eyes fixed on me and smiling as if he’s taking pleasure in my testimony. I shudder at the thought. How can a dad be so cruel to his own child? I might never know the answer to this question, but I can make sure that he pays for what he did to me. I stare right back at him, making it known that I’m not backing down from my statement. He’ll never do it to me or anyone else ever again.

  My dad’s attorney bombards me with questions trying to test my credibility but I stand my ground. I know when we walk out of here today my dad will be behind bars. I’ll make sure of that. It’s not easy living through every detail of my past all over again but I know it needs to be done in order for me to find my peace. If he’s out there, I’ll never be completely free of his hold over me.