Finding Me (Bad Boy #2)

by S. K. Hartley

  I thought back to the two times I'd been in the bar. Not once had I seen a bouncer. Trix must have caught onto my thoughts when she smiles and says.

  "Oh, you haven't met Lou. He owns the bar, but he's built like a brick shit house." She winked. "Well, let's go and serve some poison."

  She grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me through the back door, leading me to the bar. It's still pretty quiet, the only noise I could really hear was Dex's laugh as he flirts with a woman. She looked twice his age and was all but shoving her tits in his face. I was slightly confused, I thought Trix and Dex were a couple?

  "We have sex," she whispered. I looked up at her with my eyebrows drawn. What? "We aren't together. Don't worry, you're not the first to question it."

  My eyes darted around the bar, suddenly wondering if Logan was still here. I couldn't see him. I sighed with a little relief but rubbed my chest as a small ache took over my ribs. I didn't know what the hell was going on with us. It confused the hell out of me.

  Then I heard his voice; it's dark and gruff, and was doing all sorts of things to me. I turned and spotted him at the end of the bar, talking to a blonde girl. He was resting his palm on the wall beside her head, seemingly caging her in while holding a bottle of beer in the other. Anger boiled in my body and I was confused as to why I was so mad. This is Logan White. He doesn't fix hearts, he breaks them. Why should I be any different? Why am I even thinking about this?

  "I think I saw some bottles outside on the window ledge, go get them for me?" Trix said into my ear. I didn't respond, I just nodded my head gently.

  I didn't even bother taking the door from the back; instead I flung my body over the bar and stomped right out the door.

  Cold air greeted my flushed face as I stepped into the darkness. I was annoyed, angry, hurt, betrayed. I was fucking broken and felt like breaking further. I thought I was making progress! I thought I was becoming a new person, where demons didn't haunt every thought I have. Turned out, it's all just a fantasy. I could never be different.

  "What the hell was that?!"

  My feet suddenly moved, and I was walking towards the car lot. I could hear Logan catching up to me as I moved further and further into the night. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to do this with him.

  "Neva, don't walk away from me!" Logan spat.

  He's angry? What right did he have to be angry with me? I wasn't the one flirting with another girl. Why was he even here anyway?

  "Go away, Logan!" I said, walking faster.

  Suddenly, my arms were latched to my back and I was being spun around. My heartbeat picked up around twenty notches as I came eye to eye with Logan.

  "Why the hell are you always running from me? I can't take it when you run from me!"

  "I'm not doing this now. Let me go." I said, trying to get my wrist free from his grasp.

  "No, we are doing this now. Why the hell did you run?"

  "We're all running from something, Logan." I spat Dex's words out.

  "You still don't get it do you? How much clearer do I need to be for you to understand that I'm not going anywhere? I have been in love with you for ten years, Neva! Ten years. It isn't just going to go away!"

  "I never asked you to love me! Why are you doing this to me?"

  "Because I hate seeing you fall and not get back up. I want to be the one to catch you, but you keep pushing me away!"

  "What do you want from me?" I whispered.

  "You. Just you. All of you. Every broken piece."

  I bowed my head. He released my wrists, and they dropped to my side. I couldn't give him what he wants. I just couldn't do it. I would break him. Christ, I break myself on a daily basis.

  "I can't give you that," I said, taking a step back.

  "I'm not giving you up without a fight, Neva. You can't just walk away from us!"

  "I am protecting you the only way I know how."

  "I don't need protecting. What part of me looks like it needs protecting?"

  "Your heart," I whispered.

  I gulped back the tears that were begging to fall. I could not cry. But every time I pushed back that feeling, it hurt just a little bit more.

  "You're breaking it right now," he whispered, taking a step towards me.

  "I will break it over and over again, Logan. My nightmares will hurt you, my fear of people being ripped away from me will gut you and my anxiety will create yours."

  "I can take pain, Neva. I've dealt with it for the past three weeks. I would rather have the pain with you, than without you."

  "I … I..." The words were at the tip of my tongue. Wanting to release, but I knew if I said them, everything would change. Nothing would be the same and I would drag him into the pit of hell where my heart lied and my nightmares were real.

  "I can't."

  The look of pure pain took over his face as the words fell from my lips. I was hurting him, but I know it would hurt far worse if he were to fall into that hellish pit with me. I wouldn't take him down. He was the only steady thing in my life and I refused take him anywhere that could ruin it.

  "Please," he begged.

  I could only watch as a single tear breaks and streams down his beautiful face. I'm breaking him and I just couldn't watch. Suddenly, I ran, my feet pounding against the concrete. I didn't look back. I couldn't look back.

  I ran for miles, forcing oxygen into my lungs as my feet carried me to the one place I could truly break. My running had turned into a tear filled jog. I noticed the trees, they arched above me as I ran through the night. The moonlight filtered through the branches, and if I could have stopped long enough to marvel, I would. But, right now, my brain was telling me to run. Far away.

  I saw the plot of land ahead and it instantly brought fresh tears to my eyes. I didn't slow down to walk, I was still jogging as I get on the grass. Finally, standing before my father's memorial garden, I crumbled and fall. I dropped to my knees and muttered garbled apologies to Logan, to my father, to Angel. To anyone I ever hurt, I apologized.

  I could feel the dampness of the grass seeping through my jeans as I sat there for at least an hour. But, I couldn't move. I didn't want to move. That was, until I heard my brother's voice.

  "Baby girl," he whispered, crouching down behind me and encasing me within his arms. "Come on, sweetheart. Let's go home. I can't be here."

  I turned in his arms, moving from my knees and held him tight. My brother, my friend, my shoulder to cry on. Even through all of the hurt and the pain, I still couldn't believe I was blessed with someone so perfect that I could love so much.

  "Just hold me. Please, don't let go," I whispered, as my grasp tightened around his shoulders.

  "I will never let go," he told me.

  Slowly, he pulled me onto his lap and gently picked me up. Carrying me from my father's memorial and into the truck parked only a couple of yards away. As he places me into the passenger seat and buckles my belt, I notice his tear stained cheeks. He came after me, he came after me to a place where he hates to be. My brother walked through his version of hell to rescue me.

  "Thank you," I told him gently.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Logan

  Two weeks ago, my heart was shattered to the point where I didn't think it could ever be mended. Two weeks ago, I realized that the woman I loved was completely unreachable, and I couldn't do a thing to bring her within my grasp. Nothing.

  She ran from me. She ran from me and didn't once look back. That's when my knees gave out, and I threw myself into a world where she didn't exist. I'm back to the place where it even hurts to swallow. To breathe. Everything hurt, including seeing the look of pure sadness on my best friend's face every time he walked through the dorm door.

  The morning after I'd broken, I left the campus dorm, and with help from my mom, I rented a small apartment outside of town. I couldn't be near her, I couldn't be near them. Every day was a painful reminder of what I couldn't have.

  I hadn't spoken to Tate since I ca
lled him that night. I was on my knees in the car lot outside the bar, and had no idea where Neva had gone. It was pitch black and she was on her own. Running. From me.

  Now, I was sitting in my new apartment, filled with boxes full of worthless junk and I couldn't get my mind to focus. Everything blurred and all I could think about is her. Every day, all I could think about is her.

  “Logan White, open this door before I break it down!”

  My eyes flashed towards my door, it’s Low. The day I had moved out of the dorm was the day I smashed my phone. They had probably been calling me, but I couldn’t speak to them. I couldn’t do it. I gritted my teeth and sunk further into the sofa. I wasn't letting her in. I couldn't do it.

  “Logan. I’m not fucking around. I will break this door down!” Low shouted, pounding on the door again.

  I thr3w myself onto my side, grabbing a cushion and placing it against my ear. If I couldn’t hear her maybe she'd disappear.

  “You have three seconds before I take this door off of its hinges!”

  I could hear her muffled voice through the cushion, she wasn’t going to disappear. I wanted to just be left alone. Why couldn’t I just be left alone?

  “One… Two… Three!”

  Suddenly I heard a loud crack and a hard bang. I sat up on the sofa to find my front door completely taken off of its hinges, and lying on my hallway floor. Jesus. How the hell had she done that? Was she packing a sledge hammer in her purse?

  “Jesus fucking Christ, Logan. It smells like death in here!” Low said as she stomped her way inside.

  She was right, my apartment smelled like death. Of what little I had eaten, most of it was currently sitting in take-out boxes scattered around the room. But, most days, I barely had the energy to get out of bed; even when I did that, the only place I could muster moving to was the sofa. Only to turn on the TV and stare at it aimlessly, not really digesting or watching what was going on.

  Low tilted her head at me while placing her hands on her hips. I hadn’t said anything since she got here, just stared.

  “Logan?”

  That right there was the sound I didn’t want to hear. The sympathy, the pity. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want anything from anyone, I just wanted to be left alone.

  “Don’t,” I muttered, my voice hoarse and husky from lack of fluids.

  I was sitting on the sofa in just my sweat pants. It’s obvious that I had lost muscle tone from the lack of eating and working out. I couldn’t really care.

  “Oh, Logan,” she whispered, crouching down at my feet.

  “I said, don’t, Low.” I grunted.

  I could see unshed tears in her eyes and I had to look away. I couldn’t deal with this right now. I needed her to leave, and I needed to somehow replace my door.

  “You broke my door.” I turned my head to look out my window.

  It looked cold outside. A small layer of frost covered every surface of the street below my apartment. There were no leaves on the trees, and people were now wearing winter clothes. It seemed the season had sprung on everyone.

  “I broke your door because you wouldn’t let me in. We are worried about you,” she said, placing her hand on my knee.

  I flinched, I didn’t want to be touched. I wanted to wallow. Alone.

  “There is a reason why I didn’t let you in. Please just leave,” I whispered, removing her hand from my knee.

  “I’m not going anywhere, Logan. You better realize that pretty quickly.” She gritted her teeth at me.

  I watched as she stood up from her position near my feet, before walking around the apartment to take a look at the damage. There were pizza boxes everywhere, Chinese take-out on the floor, and empty beer bottles taking up nearly every surface possible. I could hear her in the kitchen, the sound of bottles clanking together made my head throb.

  “What are you doing?” I asked, flicking my gaze to her.

  “I’m cleaning. What does it look like?” she muttered before pulling her face at an old pizza box and putting it into a trash bag.

  “Low. Just go,” I said, raising my voice.

  It clearly caught her attention as she stopped what she was doing. She dropped the trash bag, the sound of smashing bottles against the floor broke the silence.

  “No. No, I am not going anywhere, Logan. I thought you were going to fight? But yet, here you are, moping around in your apartment, one I wouldn’t even let a dog stay in!” she shouted, making her way over to me.

  I was irritated, pissed, I was fuming with rage. I just wanted to hit something, anything to make me feel again. I was numb, I had been for so long now that I just wanted to fucking feel.

  “I don’t have any fight left in me, Low. I am done fighting, I can’t do it anymore!”

  “Well, it’s a fucking good job I do then. Get a shower, throw on some clean clothes and get your smelly ass out of the fucking door,” she shouted, pointing to the spot where my door once stood.

  Was she for real? I wasn't going fucking anywhere.

  “I’m not doing shit, Low. Just drop it and go!”

  “I am not leaving this disgusting apartment until you get your ass out of that door. I mean it, Logan. You saw what I did to your door, don’t make me put you in the shower myself.”

  She got right in my face, the height difference apparent. She really thought she could get me into the shower? She has got to be kidding. I was not going anywhere, I was too exhausted for this shit.

  “Stay for all I care, Low. I’m going to fucking bed,” I said, barged past her and walked into my bedroom.

  I slammed my door shut and breathed a sigh of relief. It’s quiet, but I knew it won’t be for long. My mind will constantly be with her, head full of the memories of the night she left me, the night she ran from me. Shaking my head, I made my way over to my bed and threw myself onto it, face first.

  I didn’t have time to even think about her when I heard my door bang open. I groaned; I hoped she hadn’t taken that door of its hinges too. But before I could check, I felt hands around both my ankles and I was suddenly being dragged. My body made contact with the floor a split second later, knocking the air right out of my lungs. I didn't have the energy to fight back.

  “Low, get the fuck off me!” I grunted.

  “I will let go if you get into the shower, get dressed and get out the door,” she mumbled back.

  I get dragged across my bedroom floor, my bare chest sliding across the wooden floor boards towards the en-suite bathroom. This was so fucked up. I knew I would have to get into the shower just to appease her. But, that didn’t mean I had to get dressed and leave my apartment.

  “Fine. I’ll get into the shower. Now, will you get the hell off of me?!” I shouted.

  Instantly, her grip around my ankles disappeared. I flipped over onto my back and groaned. Low stood with her hands back on her hips with a sadistic smile on her face.

  “Pleased with yourself?” I asked, slowly getting up from the floor.

  “Very,” she said, nodding her head towards the bathroom door behind her. “Shower.”

  I grumbled some choice cuss words as I walk into the bathroom. Turning, I gave her a dirty look before slamming the door in her face. I heard her laughing from the other side of the closed door. Yeah, hilarious!

  The water was hot against my skin, yet heated me from within. I quickly showered, not knowing if Low might actually knock this door down too and drag me out with soap still in my hair. How the hell had she broken down that door anyway? I didn't know all that much about Low, she kept to herself a lot. All I knew was she moved here when in high school with her mom, and she has a no-nonsense attitude and always says exactly what she means. She didn’t talk about where she lived before she got here, and has never once mentioned her dad.

  I shrugged off my thoughts and stepped out of the shower, pulled on some jeans that were lying around and stepped out of the bathroom. I wasn’t going anywhere, Low would have to physically drag me out of my apartment and this time,
I was ready for her. I'd never once been inclined to hit a woman, but if she pulled that shit again, I would put her on her ass outside.

  As I walked into the living room, I noticed the apartment was spotless. Low was in the kitchen with her arms elbow deep in water as she washed the small amount of dishes I had used.

  “Jesus, how did you clean this up so fast?” I asked, stepping into the kitchen.

  “I have many, many talents, Logan. You would do well to remember that.” She winked over her shoulder. She pulled her hands out of the water and wiped her hands on her jeans. I cocked my brow and she shrugged.

  “My jeans are probably cleaner than any other piece of fabric in this apartment. Why are guys so freaking disgusting?” she moaned.

  I couldn’t help but laugh. Always so damn honest.

  “I have showered, now get out,” I said seriously.

  She may have cleaned my apartment and gotten me into the shower, but I was not going. Nothing would get me out of this apartment and the sooner she realized that, the better.

  “Tate needs to speak with you,” she says softly, looking at me with hard eyes. “Urgently.”

  Urgently? Was something wrong with Neva? My heart rate spiked and for the first time in fucking weeks, I started to feel, I started to feel something other than numbness. My eyes flickered back to Low and I could see she was worried; it’s enough to make me move.

  “Let’s go.” I grabbed a shirt and jacket.

  This better be good.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Neva

  Darkness, it was everywhere. All around me, haunting me and keeping me within itself. There was no light, not a single piece of light for me to try and get my bearings, nothing. Just emptiness.

  I’m on the ground, that much I know. The damp earth beneath me is so cold it chills me right to the bone. I lay on my front, the back of my thighs exposed to the harsh winter wind. I can feel the chill, it’s everywhere. My hair is damp and sticking to my skin, cold. Just like everything else.