Finding Me, Finding You (Finding #1)

by Shealy James

  It stayed that way as well. Max spent more and more time in the lab and with Becca, and Sarah spent more than just nights with Wade. Maggie and I had similar schedules, so we often met to study alone after practice or to run in the mornings. Sometimes it seemed we were more than friends, but it never went beyond friendly. I couldn’t do that to her.

  I liked how our relationship was until I realized that we weren’t as open with each other as I thought. Our group was out at Bold Eagle hanging out, eating, and having a few beers. Wade and I were talking about guys on the team. We had lost a few seniors last year, including Adam, so positions were changing. I was finally moved to sweeper and a freshman was taking my place as a defender. Garrett was also replaced with a freshman since he was studying abroad for his senior season.

  Wade turned to Maggie, “Hey do you still talk to Garrett?’

  Maggie instantly started blushing and looked around uncomfortably. “Yeah. We email almost everyday.”

  Wade, focused on getting the information for our conversation, didn’t notice the awkwardness that descended on the table. “Has he been practicing over there? I’m sure he is running, but I wonder if he has touched a ball at all this year. I can’t believe he chose to study abroad for his last season. I know he was having trouble with his ankle last year, but I thought for sure he would wait until spring to study abroad.”

  “Yeah. He plays with some of the students in the program for fun. He hates that they call it football because he forgets that they’re talking about soccer. I think his dad insisted he go now if wanted to go at all. He has some internship in the spring.”

  Wade asked, “So you guys talk a lot, huh? Is it like a long distance relationship sort of thing? I’m a little surprised he has kept up with you this long. He usually only keeps a girl for a week or so; several months is forever for him. You must be great at phone sex or maybe you Skype, so you can see each other when you’re getting busy? That sounds fun.” He was joking, but I felt the entire table tense with the mention of Maggie and sex.

  She turned bright red and tried to laugh it off. “Well, first of all, he isn’t ‘keeping’ me. Second, we get along without phone or Skype sex. We have a lot in common that does not involve that.”

  Sarah put her hands up in the air. “Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. You and Garrett are still talking? Are you together? How did I have no idea about this? I live with you. Maybe we need to have a signal if you’re Skyping him. I don’t want to interrupt anything, especially if our little wallflower is coming out of her shell.”

  Maggie pressed her mouth into a straight line, and her embarrassed pink cheeks were turning into an angry red. As much as I hated how irate she was getting at the invasion of her privacy, I wasn’t about to stop the investigation into Maggie’s love life. I wanted to know as much as everyone else about her and Garrett’s relationship. I was surprised to hear that they were talking, even more surprised that no one knew.

  “First. No Sarah, you don’t really live with me. Second, I didn’t tell anyone about Garrett and me because of those assumptions that all of you just made. We are just friends, and we email each other. I enjoy talking to him. He has a lot of cool stuff going on and likes hearing about what is going on here. That’s it. Drop it.”

  Max jumped into the conversation, “Whoa. No need to get snappy Mags. We just feel a little left out of your life. Even I didn’t know, and I know everything about you. Did you hook up with Garrett?”

  “I’m not snappy! I don’t know why anyone cares who I talk to, Skype with, or even have sex with. It wouldn’t be anyone’s business. For the record, Max, you don’t know everything about me. Besides, you’re all paired up, so I don’t see why it would be surprising for me to be with someone.”

  “Uhh. I’m not seeing anyone. Not to jump on the bandwagon, but I spend most of my free time with you, and I had no idea you still talked to Garrett,” I reminded her.

  “Really, Parker? You want to go there?” She slapped her hand down on the table. Maggie was fuming now. I half expected smoke to start coming out of her nose. “Every time we go to The Ale House either Brandi tells you when she is getting off work, so you can “meet up” or Alexis comes up, rubs all over you, and I mean all over you, and whispers something in your ear causing you to smile and blush. I may be naïve and innocent, but I’m certainly not stupid. My sister does the same thing when she is hooking up with a guy. I don’t mean to call you out, but don’t you gang up on me about emailing with a guy for a few months and not telling anyone when it is none of anyone’s business who I email. Do you want to share all of your sexcapades with the group? Go ahead, Parker. I’m dying to hear this. Go right ahead!”

  Maggie waited for a moment while everyone else sat around the table with their mouths hanging wide open and eyes flicking between Maggie and me. No one had ever seen this side of Maggie. I would venture to guess that not even Max had seen her get so angry judging by the way he also sat frozen at the table. When it was clear I wasn’t going to say anything, Maggie stood up and walked out of the Tavern. She left.

  I pounded my fist on the table and said, “Shit!” I didn’t think anyone knew about the girls. I never bring them to the dorm. I don’t want anyone, including the girls, to get the wrong idea. I just assumed no one knew. Max certainly never says anything when I’m gone all night. If I tell him anything, I just say I’m going to hang with the band. Shit! How did Maggie figure it out? Were the girls really that obvious? Shit! Shit!

  I got up, threw some cash on the table, and walked out after her. No one had said anything by the time I walked out, and I knew they were all waiting to see what I would do. Instead of giving them a show, I tried to find Maggie. Her car was already gone from the lot. She wasn’t at her dorm. I tried calling and texting. No answer and no response. I called Max and asked him where she would go. He suggested the gym or pool and said I should leave her alone for a while, that she needed to cool off. I ignored him and checked both instead.

  I wasn’t going to let her think that she was alone. I was kind of annoyed that Max, her supposed best friend, was staying with his girlfriend instead of going to check on her. It seemed to me that the whole reason she was mad was because she felt embarrassed because we all ganged up on her, not because we asked her about Garrett. She wasn’t at the pool or gym. Think Parker, think!

  Then it hit me. The fields. That was where she asked me to meet her when I needed to escape.

  Maggie

  When I arrived at the fields, the lights were off. I didn’t mind though. I wasn’t there to play. I grabbed the two blankets I kept in my car and walked out to the middle of the field on the hill. It was dark, but you couldn’t see the stars like you could at home. City lights ruin the view. I was still able to see the waning crescent and some of the brighter stars though.

  As I lay there on the blanket, I tried to remind myself how small I was in this world. I wasn’t really mad at my friends in particular, but their surprise about me talking to Garrett rubbed me the wrong way. They acted like I needed their permission to have a relationship with a guy, and that wasn’t the case. If I wanted to have sex with someone I could, and it wouldn’t be any of his or her damn business.

  In reality though, I didn’t want to just sleep with someone or have Skype sex, whatever that was, with someone. I wanted someone special, and I certainly didn’t need my friend’s permission for that either. Their probing questions humiliated me. They knew I was not like that, and if they had dropped it when I asked them to, we could have still had an enjoyable night.

  With that in mind, I took out my phone to email Garrett. He had sent me pictures of his latest adventures in London and Scotland. There was a girl in a lot of the pictures with him. In photos, she was always next to him, and there were a few of just the two of them. Even Garrett has a girlfriend in London. Go figure.

  Just then I heard a car pull up to the fields. I stilled immediately hoping whoever it was would go away. I heard the door slam and then someone’s keys
as they walked across the fields. I remained still.

  “Maggie?” It was Parker. I sighed with relief that it wasn’t someone who was coming to kidnap me. I still didn’t want to talk to him though.

  “Parker, go home. I’m fine. I want to be alone right now. It isn’t a big deal.”

  “Can I just talk to you?” He asked as he sat down on my blanket.

  “Why? So you can give me a hard time? I’m fine. I’m sorry for calling you out tonight if that is what you’re mad about, but we all know about your girls anyway.”

  “Maggie, why’d you leave? It’s freezing out here.”

  “Because I wanted to be alone. It’s not really working out for me though,” I said sarcastically hoping he would get the hint. I kept my eyes trained on the sky but I could see him laying on his side with his head propped up by his elbow staring at me.

  “Will you please just talk to me?”

  “Why? It isn’t any of your business. You don’t talk about your dating life, so why should I tell you about mine?” Not that there was anything to tell. “Besides, if you remember correctly, you were the one who told Garrett not to call me.”

  “And I apologized about that. Look, I don’t talk about the girls that I…see or whatever because they aren’t important to me. They don’t mean anything, at least not to me. The point was that I’m not with anyone, and I certainly don’t date.” He paused for a moment waiting for me to respond. I turned my head and looked up at him.

  “I’m going to tell you the truth, ok?” He waited for me to nod. “Right around the time my mom died and my dad started with the lectures, I had sex for the first time. It became…I don’t know…a way for me to relieve stress and feel connected to the world. I was never really interested in having a girlfriend before that because I always knew it wouldn’t last. I mean I was fifteen, and not to mention the fact that most of the girls at my school were really superficial. Of course I dated, went to dances, hung out with my friends, but I never had a steady girlfriend. After my mom died, I was sure that I didn’t want that kind of relationship because I didn’t feel anything about anyone or anything. I was either angry or numb, and there was nothing else. I started spending time with the band around then, and Alexis was there for me. She never asked me to talk about anything. We just...did.”

  I put my head down embarrassed. I didn’t need to know all of this for one thing. For another I felt bad that the only thing I asked him to do was talk about his mother, which of course was the one thing he didn’t want to do.

  “While I never really felt anything else for her or any of the other girls, it was nice to feel something.” He stopped and ran his hands through his hair that was already sticking out in every direction. “You know, I feel like I’m floating through life most of the time, doing what I’m supposed to do, what Pops expects of me, but when I’m with a girl like that I feel like my feet touch the ground even if it’s only a few minutes. I forget about everything except how my body feels in that moment.”

  He scooted closer to me. “I would never want that for you, a few moments of pleasure because the rest of your existence is full of unrest. For you, it shouldn’t be just about sex. You’re so beautiful and full of love, and sex should be the same. It should be about love. I don’t need that. More importantly, at this point, I don’t deserve all that.” I looked up at him confused. “Sex is like running. It’s automatic, and I do it to feel better. I feel the high for a little while, but then I start to feel weak again.”

  I put my hand up and stopped him. “That’s enough. Quit saying that you don’t deserve love or you can’t feel. That is dumbest thing you have ever said, and you know it. You don’t let yourself feel. When you’re ready to feel, you will, and it will take the right person, but it’ll happen.”

  “Well, I’m in no hurry for that.” He flopped onto his back. “And for the record, I have stopped sleeping around. It didn’t feel right anymore, which is another reason I don’t really talk about it. That’s why Brandi and Alexis are acting like that. They weren’t all over me when we were actually hooking up.”

  “Parker, can I ask you something personal?” I looked over at him.

  “More personal than what I’ve told you today? Is there such a thing?” He laughed uncomfortably.

  “How many girls?”

  His forehead wrinkled up, but he turned his head to look over at me. “I don’t know. I didn’t keep a count. Not that many. I only just turned twenty.”

  I couldn’t look at him when I asked my real question, so I asked the stars. “I guess what I’m asking is…were you safe with everyone?”

  “Oh! God yes! I’m never risking that. I’m as safe as you can be when doing that. I don’t want to get some girl pregnant! Can you see me with kids?”

  “Hmm. How very responsible of you,” I said sarcastically.

  “I know I’m a disgusting dirt bag, but everyone I got involved with knew what we were doing. I never once led anyone to believe we were to be anything different, and we were always safe.”

  “Look, I’m not upset because everyone is in a relationship or having relationships or relations rather. I’m upset that everyone always tries to baby me. My parents, my sisters, Max, and now you and Sarah are doing it. Everyone expects that I should tell him or her what is going on in my life, so they can tell me how to proceed. I hate it. I’m never going to be able to do anything if everyone always tells me what to do or stops things from happening for me.”

  “We do it because we care about you. You protect me too, you know. I hadn’t talked about my mom once since the funeral until I told you everything. I have certainly never taken anyone to the Symphony or into the music room. We take care of each other.” He took my hand and laced his fingers through mine.

  My stomach flip-flopped again. I wanted to put my arms around him and kiss him and thank him for being so amazing, but I lay perfectly still looking at the stars in the sky. He touched my cheek so I would look over at him. My skin tingled at his touch.

  “Right Maggie? We take care of each other.”

  “Yeah Parker. You still can’t tell guys not to call me though.”

  He laughed and put his free hand up in defeat. “Don’t worry. I learned my lesson. Believe me. The last thing I want to do is ever piss you off again.” I laughed.

  It was silent for a moment before I let out the giggle I had been holding in. Parker looked at me confused. “What’s so funny?”

  I turned a little red, and he waited for me to answer him. Finally I said, “You said I was beautiful.”

  He sat up and looked down at me. “You’re beautiful, Maggie. Anyone who looks at you sees that. I happen to know for a fact that your beauty isn’t only on the outside.”

  I wasn’t laughing anymore. I didn’t even know what to say after that. We sat there for a while in silence before we were freezing. We went back to my dorm and ended up talking some more, and he slept in Sarah’s bed that night because lord knows she wasn’t coming home. I didn’t even bother to text her and tell her. We would be up to run before she came back most likely anyway.

  The next day, Max went running with us, and he apologized. He understood why I was upset, so we didn’t really need to talk about it, but I did appreciate that he acknowledged it.

  From that weekend on Sarah was around more. We went for manicures and shopping by ourselves. We were out shopping one Saturday when she grilled me about Parker.

  “Ooh, that looks good.” I had on a teal and navy dress that was fitted at the waist and flared a little at the bottom. “Parker would love it.”

  “Oh, stop Sarah. We are just friends.”

  “Yeah. For now.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “Come on. I see the way he looks at you. He always sits next to you and makes sure you’re taken care of. He is a better boyfriend than Wade, and you two aren’t even giving it up to him.”

  “He isn’t a boyfriend. We are just friends, like I said. We are close, and I like ha
ving him around, but all we are ever going to be is friends. Now tell me about Wade.” It was nice to have my old roommate around again.

  At the beginning of the next semester Garrett had come back. We hung out a few times in early January, but we were not into each other in that way. We kissed once or twice before we both agreed that we were better off as friends. He actually started dating a girl that he met in London and was a student at a nearby school, so he wasn’t around much after that.

  Parker and I still spent a lot of time together studying, running, and going to the movies. He took me to a lot of the touristy things in Atlanta like the World of Coca-Cola, the zoo, and even to a show at the Fox. Even though we were closer, our relationship never went past platonic. He was protective of me, but I couldn’t decide if it he was treating me more like a girlfriend or a sister. It was confusing, and sometimes I wondered if it would be better if we didn’t spend so much time together. While I enjoyed my time with him, it often left me feeling more confused and even hurt in the end. I was falling for Parker, and he didn’t seem to feel the same.

  On Valentine’s Day all of our friends were going on dates. Parker invited me to an anti-Valentine’s Day party at The Ale House, and I agreed thinking we would hang out. It was a bunch of single people getting trashed and dancing to anti-love songs. Girls were all over him, and he made a no effort to remove hands that roamed his body. One girl gave him her number on a napkin. He did leave the napkin on the bar, but it wasn’t out of respect for me. While the band was on a break, Parker talked to Alexis the whole time. I noticed he didn’t remove her hands when she was all over him. At one point she was kissing his neck and I swear her hands went down the front of his jeans as they laughed comfortably. I had to turn around to keep the knife from twisting in my gut, and Billy gave my shoulder a sympathetic squeeze. Great. Billy had obviously noticed how pathetic I was as well.

  Our whole group was swamped with projects and practices, so it had been a while since the last time our whole group had been together. Finally we all decided to go out one night after our midterms were finished. I was really excited because it had been awhile since we had all been out together. At the club Parker went up to the bar to get drinks for a few of us but never returned. The rest of the group was sitting at a table talking and dancing around. He had been gone a long time, so I went to see what was going on. I regretted it.