Spurs & Stilettos

by Johnson, Ashley

  “Get up.” Practically yanking my arm granted her wish as I now stood in front of her. “Fuck him. He’s my cousin but no, this isn’t happening. We’re going out tonight.”

  “But….” I try to interject. This isn’t right. Two wrongs don’t make a right so I have to tell her no.

  “But nothing. I’ll handle him. Matter of fact I’m texting him right now. “Go get dressed, if he can leave, so can you. Plus Karlee would bust your ass for crying over him.”

  “I’m not crying Amber.”

  “Exactly and you won’t have a chance thanks to me. Who knows what kind of boo-hooing you’d be doing by the time you finished that bowl of ice cream?”

  She has a very valid point and I hate that. I also hate that I just spilled my worst fears to my best friend. I hate it even more that she keeps bringing up Karlee but she’s right. Karlee wouldn’t have stood for her baby sister to get treated like this by a guy. She’d also be helping Amber drag my ass out of the house and have fun. Brad will be here when I get home and then we can talk.

  Chapter 2

  Getting ready wasn’t too bad. My favorite pair of skinny jeans hung low on my hips and my black silk top hugged me everywhere it should. Thank you shopping trip I thought I deserved last week! To top it off, my red peep-toe heels. Amber dug around in my closet until she settled on one of my dresses. A short little number that no doubt will have every man at the bar dying to talk to her.

  She thrust her phone in my hand to show me the conversation she’d had with Brad.

  Amber: I’m glad Hope is coming with me to the rodeo! This will be good for her. Oh, I’m stealing her to come out tonight. Thanks cousin!

  Brad: No prob. Have fun; stay out as long as you want. Be safe.

  Have fun? Stay out long as you want? Who is this and where is my Brad? I checked my phone to find nothing. No text saying, love you or anything. That feeling in my stomach is back but I push it aside knowing if I’m pouting Amber will have my head on a platter.

  The mere thought of riding in a car after the accident was torture for me. I couldn’t sit in any vehicle without hyperventilating. I trusted Karlee with my life that night and that trust was betrayed when she fell asleep behind the wheel. Amber is a very safe driver and two years later I still have to give myself a pep talk to ride with someone. Not every car ride is going to be like that, I have to be ok. I draw in a few deep breaths before calming myself.

  Amber drives us to a local bar maybe ten minutes from my house. The crowd was bigger than I’d like to deal with but one look at Amber and the sea of men began to part granting us easy access to the bar. After watching Amber take a few shots, I finally began nursing a beer. One of us has to be responsible tonight and it may as well be me although I’m sure this going out was meant for me to be equally drunk. Several guys tried to approach Amber but when their eyes settled on her breasts, she told them where to stick it and they disappeared.

  “I swear if another guy comes up and stares at my breasts, I’m going to scream!” She waves her hands in the air like a lunatic before taking a nice long sip of her Long Island Iced Tea.

  A song comes on that she swears is her favorite and I’m dragged to the dance floor where we begin to grind our hips to the beat. It feels like someone is watching me but as I scan the crowd, everyone I see is in their own little world. Quit being so paranoid Hope. It’s like I feel Brad is here watching me ready to scold me for something I’ve done but I’ve done nothing wrong. The beer I was nursing is gone now. The lights feel fuzzy and more than anything I’m tired.

  I manage to tug Amber away from the dance floor and back to the bar. “This is so fun Hope!” I check my phone, still nothing from Brad. Time has flown by, it’s already almost midnight. I stifle a yawn and Amber cuts some eyes in my direction. “You ready to go aren’t you?”

  “I am. Please don’t kill me.”

  “Whatever, it’s good. Since you’re coming to the rodeo with me I’ll forgive you.” Best friend ever. I grinned as I pulled her in for a hug.

  The ride home had me cursing the entire time. Why did Amber take all those shots? There’s no way in hell I’m letting her drive herself home. It’s bad enough she’s trying to grab the wheel and help me steer now. I’m overcome with panic trying to keep the car on the road. If she could see herself right now, she would kick herself in the ass for doing this to me. As soon as we pull up at the apartment, I notice Brad is home. Once Amber passes out on the couch, I can’t help but giggle as I think about how he’ll call me an irresponsible and a bitch for going out tonight. I fully intend to tease the hell out of him and then leave him hanging like he did me earlier. Amber stumbles into the table then onto the couch soon passing out. Laughing, I tried to seductively remove my shirt. My plan runs over and over again in my head, I’m going to completely torture him. I’m sexually frustrated now thanks to him.

  The bedroom door is shut which should strike me as odd, but I’m so exhausted I’m not thinking about it. I just want to see him and make him pay for earlier. As I open the bedroom door, the sight I see suddenly gives me the urge to vomit all over the beige carpet.

  This. Is. Not. Happening. To. Me.

  Some Barbie doll is in my bed riding my fiancé like this is the damn Kentucky Derby. The moans coming from them make me want to absolutely die.

  “What the hell Brad?!” I screech unable to contain my anger anymore. The Barbie flies off him trying to hurry and cover herself out of embarrassment. “No, don’t stop on my account please. Continue to fuck my fiancé, guess I don’t mind! Maybe he’ll let you actually finish!”

  “Hope, just chill the fuck out, ok?” Fire lit behind my eyes as all my rage and anger focused on him. I remove the heels from my feet and there in my skinny jeans and hot pink bra, I throw them full force at his head missing both times. I never played sports growing up. I can’t throw anything accurately to save my life. I wish I could blame it on the alcohol but I only nursed a beer.

  I point my finger at him pretty much ignoring the fact she was in here. “You don’t tell me what to do anymore you selfish, insensitive asshole.”

  He casually gets out of the bed and proceeds to put his boxers on like I just didn’t walk in on him and some bitch having sex. “You know this wouldn’t have happened if you’d just put out. Show me some damn attention. This waiting bullshit, well that’s what it is. It’s bullshit. You used to bend over for me at least twice a day, remember that?”

  “GET OUT!” I scream. I can feel my blood pressure rising as I continued to scream every obscenity in the book at him. I didn’t know Amber was beside me until I heard a gasp. Her jaw was dropped and she looked about as pissed as me if not more.

  “You can’t make me get out Hope, this is my apartment too. Look, maybe this isn’t working anymore. You’ve got way too many issues for me to deal with right now. Why don’t you go stay with Amber and you can get your stuff later?” Maybe this isn’t working anymore? I hate how he uses my insecurities against me. He knows shit no one but my parents and Amber know. He knows the shit I went through after Karlee died. He was there in the hospital when I was told Karlee had died in the accident. I couldn’t cope with the fact she was gone, I was literally with her just moments before. I spent the whole afternoon and evening with her and then just like that she was taken away. He found me when I tried to take my own life one night by swallowing more sleeping pills than I should have. Constant guilt consumed me, eating me alive. I shouldn’t have been alive. I didn’t want to be alive so I took the pills and I failed. Ever since that night, I wished to hell I’d never woken up because he constantly reminds me of what a fuck up I’ve become. So wow, what the hell made him think that this just isn’t working anymore?

  Amber practically screams and before she can lunge at him, I move my body in front of hers. “Look dick, you fucked up. She’s not going anywhere you hear me? You leave and get your stuff later.”

  “Amber, stay out of this.” He says sternly as if she were his teenage daught
er. That pisses her off even more and I know I needed to step in and finish handling this. The poor girl was still in the corner holding my favorite Egyptian cotton sheets against her. I never want to touch those again.

  “Amber,” I say touching her arm as I try to hold back my tears. “Let’s get the hell out of here. Fuck you Brad. I don’t want anything out of this house.” I stomped around the apartment grabbing clothes and a few things I really cared about before leaving. The last thing I do is take the stupid princess cut engagement ring he gave me and flush it down the toilet. I can’t help but smile through the tears as I watch it swirl around the porcelain bowl until it meets its demise. I’m sad, broken even, but I’m relieved. He runs up to the toilet hoping to try and catch it but it is too late.

  “What the fuck Hope? Do you know how much I paid for that?” Oh he’s pissed and I can feel the anger rolling off his body. A body I once drooled over, no more.

  “Oops.” I smile, watching steam practically come out of his ears.

  I slam the door on the way out, continuing to smile. My heart is broken. Even though he was an asshole at times, I loved him. Maybe I loved him too much and believed things would work but I will heal and one day I’ll find someone who loves me and respects every decision I make.

  If I’d been drunk, this would have definitely sobered me up immediately and I may not have felt the true hurt I am now feeling. Amber is passed out against the passenger side window and I’m ok with that. It means I don’t have to hear about the little encounter right now. We’ll have to come back to get her car tomorrow.

  She complies getting into her apartment and heads straight for her bed but not before looking me dead in the eyes. “Fuck him Hope.”

  Been there done that, now I’m single. Wow, what a flipping night this has been. I sit on the couch and the only image I seem to have in my head is what I walked in on. God, I really hate him. I’ve never felt as insecure about myself as I have these past few months with him. How did it become this way?

  I grab the quilt off the top of the couch and wrap it around me. Staring at the ceiling is all I can seem to do at least until I fall asleep. Part of me still wants to be pissed off about tonight but another part of me is relieved to be free. Have I been so blind that I couldn’t see what was happening? Right now, it just seems I’ve been living in denial all this time hoping and praying things would get better. Tonight showed me the opposite and I clearly see what a fool I was. I sigh hoping tomorrow will be a better day. Amber is going to be all gung-ho the day of the rodeo, she’s been thrilled since she bought the tickets. I refuse to let what’s happened bring me down and ruin this for her. I take in a deep breath and let it out as I close my eyes and eventually succumb to a half decent sleep.

  Chapter 3

  It’s been two days since I caught Brad which consequently flipped my world upside down. Two days and I’m not sure how to really feel. Never in a million years did I think something like this would actually happen to me. I’ve managed to get a good night’s sleep staying here with Amber. I don’t have to worry about constant bickering and someone being judgmental over every little thing I do.

  “Wakey wakey hands off snakey!!” Ugh, I can’t help but groan. Why the hell is Amber so chipper this morning?

  “I don’t have a snake.” I groan before slowly raising my head. She’s all smiles; her dark brown hair is straightened with her bangs pinned back. What the hell? What time is it?

  I reach for my phone to find several calls and texts from Brad. Geez really? No. This is not how this works at all. It’s almost 12:30 p.m., I gasp as I fly off the couch. I’m surprised she hasn’t slit my throat in my sleep. We have at least a good three hour drive ahead of us and I’m no where near ready.

  She begins humming as she applies her make-up at the kitchen table. I take that as my cue to haul ass into the bathroom and get cleaned up. I scrubbed my skin for what seemed like hours trying to remove any particles that may still have traces of Brad on them. Once I’m satisfied, I let the water continue to run down my body as I think about that night I caught him, yet again. I know we seemed to have issues but I never would have imagined he would hurt me like this. I thought we were meant to be together, but I guess nothing lasts forever. He was supposed to be my happily ever after, instead he was the witch who fed me the poisonous apple. How can you possibly know who you will end up with when you’re a teenager?

  I blow dry my hair in record time. Before I can think about straightening it, I hear Amber clear her throat which means I’m probably getting ready to be yelled at. Instead, I grab the mousse and scrunch my hair into waves before placing a headband in it. A little mascara later and I’m almost ready, I just need some damn clothes.

  “Amber, what the hell am I supposed to wear? I didn’t grab many clothes from the apartment.” I’m agitated. I clearly didn’t think this through the other night.

  “Follow me.” We step into her room where her gigantic walk in closet awaits us. She’s dressed in a blue jean skirt, a pink blouse and her cowboy boots. This is the kind of outfit Karlee used to wear when she would go to the rodeo.

  “So this is what you’re wearing? It’s cute!” I tell her. I used to think people wore those dress shirts with snap buttons to rodeos, but apparently women don’t. Karlee showed me that two years ago. That night I wore a pair of blue jeans and a fitted button up shirt with the boots Karlee got me. Brad had eyeballed me when I tried a skirt on, I could instantly see in his eyes that he disapproved.

  “Hope, you can dress however you want. I guarantee you I won’t be the only woman dressed like this. It’s hot outside and I want to be comfortable.”

  She threw me another blue jean skirt of hers. My legs seemed to go on for miles in it. I put on the pair of cowboy boots that much to my surprise still fit perfectly, no wonder Karlee bought me these. Amber sifts through her closet before grabbing one of those blouses you don’t wear a bra with.

  “Um, no I’m not wearing this, you can’t wear a bra.”

  “That’s the point.” She smiled. Oh my, no. I can’t just have my girls on display like that. Not around a ton of people.

  I crossed my arms over my chest, I’m not budging. “I’m not wearing that.” I reached past her in her closet and found a white lacy tank top that my tan seemed to compliment. “What about this?”

  Amber stared me up and down for what seemed like an eternity before smiling, “That looks perfect!” I stared into the full length mirror in her room. She wasn’t lying. I looked amazing and for the first time in a while, I smiled at my reflection confidently.

  I excuse myself so I can pee before we get ready to leave. I’m already feeling extremely anxious and I reach into my purse to pull out my Dramamine capsules. I don’t tend to get sick in the car on short trips like driving around town, but I usually work myself up unintentionally on long trips. If I’m not careful I’ll end up with motion sickness and I don’t want to ruin this trip for Amber or myself.

  Now, we have to hurry and pack our bags for the hotel. I’m not sure why we just didn’t get ready there. “You have everything right? I’m not going to any stores. We’re checking into the hotel and then going to walk around before the rodeo starts.” Amber asks sternly. I nodded my head yes as I climbed into her passenger seat.

  Twenty minutes up the road, “Get Your Shine On” by Florida Georgia Line comes on and Amber turns it up to a near deafening volume as we sing along. Ok this could totally be fun. The rest of the ride was just as eventful. Song after song, we sing our hearts out, thankful no one else could hear us. My throat was a little parched from pretending I’m the next American Idol. I grab the can of Diet Dr Pepper I have in the console and take a big long swig to quench my thirst. Our singing marathon has kept my thoughts Brad-free which is exactly where I need to be. Thank God for Amber, I don’t think I would be making it through this without her. A song I wasn’t quite expecting to hear because I’d avoided it at all costs for the past two years was “Breath” by Breaking Benjam
in, one of Karlee’s favorite bands blaring through the speakers. She used to blast them at deafening volumes driving Mom and Dad absolutely nuts. I even set her ring-tone on my phone to that song and eventually I just silenced my phone altogether because Brad said it was nothing but noisy shit and was going to rot my brain. The night of the accident, I remember her blaring this song singing at the top of her lungs. I remember laughing at her thinking she was absolutely nuts but I sang along with her. Amber gave me a quick look realizing it was playing and I blink back a few tears. I need to do this for Karlee and for me. I smiled as I reached over for the volume knob and turn it up to where I can’t hear any of the thoughts in my head. I feel proud of myself for being able to listen to this song, especially while I’m on my way to the same place that caused all my pain.

  When we finally pull up to the hotel, we’re both anxious to get out the car. My legs need to stretch. Amber walks inside the hotel and smiles politely, “I have a reservation under Amber White.” She looks at me giving a confident smile as the guy at the desk pulls up the reservation. Two card keys later, we are all set.