Spurs & Stilettos

by Johnson, Ashley

  I meet Mr. Collins at the door when it’s time to leave and follow him to the courthouse which isn’t too far from the office. It’s busy and full of life. Attorneys are pacing the halls, some with clients, and some without. Mr. Collins meets up with his client, a lady who looks to be not much older than me. He briefly introduces us, she smiles, and she shakes my hand. For some reason she reminds me a lot of myself; timid and shy on the outside. I hand her file over to Mr. Collins so he can go over a few things with her before we step into the court room. I watch as she nods along with everything he says. She trusts him completely to take care of her and for the fee he charges, I’m sure he won’t let her down. I actually feel sorry for the poor bastard once Mr. Collins gets through with him. He ends up having to pay the woman alimony and it isn’t cheap. The look on her ex-husbands face shows he had no idea that was going to happen. All the color has been drained and he looks like he’s just seen a ghost. The woman wears a smug look on her face obviously pleased with her victory. Secretly I hope Mr. Collins lets me come back to court with him. I like it, although it is at the expense of someone’s life being turned upside down. Throughout the entire hearing, I imagined Brad and me here and I just don’t think ours would’ve been very peaceful. This guy didn’t put up a fuss and Brad, well he would have argued with God himself.

  “Thank you for your help Hope. How’d you like it?” Mr. Collins leads us outside into the warm Texas air.

  “You’re welcome Mr. Collins, thank you for allowing me to come. I enjoyed it very much.”

  “Take the rest of the day off, relax. I know it’s tiring in there sometimes.” I look at my watch. It was a little after two so I didn’t argue with him.

  “Thank you Mr. Collins.” I shake his hand as I make my way to my car.

  The engine purrs to life and the air begins blowing a little warm at first. Within a minute or so, it was cool. I place my sunglasses on my face and pull my phone out of my purse to check it before I drive home. Brad had sent another text but I quickly delete it, I am in no mood to play his games. I throw the phone back in my purse.

  I wonder where Wesley is now. Brad’s words try to seep into my brain again but I dismiss them. How can someone as unfaithful as Brad try to tell me who will or will not be unfaithful to me? I don’t have time to drown my thoughts before I pull up at the apartment. Amber isn’t home yet so I let myself inside and kick my heels off. I lay across my bed hoping to catch a nap. I haven’t gotten to take one of these in forever. Just as my eyelids start to get heavy, my phone rings.

  My heart skips a beat or two when I realize its Wesley. It sucks having to imagine him; having to imagine those gorgeous eyes and that gorgeous chest, and that smile that melts my entire world. It sucks more than anything to imagine women out there lusting after him and possibly trying to win him over.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, sweetheart.” I love that drawl in his voice. “Did I catch you at a bad time?”

  “Not at all. I got off work a little early today. I got to go to court.” I say with a huge smile.

  “That’s great babe, I’m happy for you.” And he sounds sincerely happy for me. I hate having these conversations over the phone. I want a conversation in person with him but I’ll take what I can.

  “Where are you?” I ask almost scared to hear the answer.

  “Not close enough. I miss you.”

  “I miss you too,” I admit quietly.

  “I want to hold you in my arms so bad Hope.” My heartbeat picks up and I’m feeling like I should be happy but I’m sad it’s not able to happen.

  Brad’s words play again in my head but I can’t let Wesley know I’ve talked to him. He knows about the past Brad and I share. He trusts me and I can’t break that trust. “Are you sure we can work Wes?”

  “Don’t you start doubting me, sweetheart. I fully believe we can and we will. What’s got you thinking that? You can tell me anything.”

  I sigh trying to come up with what to say. “I don’t doubt you. I know you have needs too and how are you supposed to fulfill them when we’re nowhere near each other? What if some other woman out there catches your eye and makes you see this just won’t work?”

  “You think this is all about sex Hope? Please tell me that’s not it. Yes, I have needs. I need you. I have you so it’s taken care of, you hear me? I don’t need to look at anyone else and I won’t. I swear that to you.”

  The aching in my chest eases a little but it’s not completely gone like I wish it would be. “I hear you. I’m sorry.”

  “I’ve got to go but I wanted to hear your voice. Don’t give up on us Hope. I’m not.”

  “I won’t either.” I swear I won’t.

  I hang up the phone feeling a little more relieved. What in the world was I thinking getting involved with someone I’d barely see. I’ll tell you what I was thinking, for some reason I’m immensely attracted to him and he makes me happy.

  ********

  I wake to find a text from Amber telling me she has a date tonight so she’d be late. I groan wondering what the hell I’m supposed to do for dinner but smile at the same time because I get the apartment to myself. I change out of my work clothes and into some sweatpants and a t-shirt. I toss my hair carelessly into a messy bun on top of my head. I pull out the Tupperware bowl that has some vegetable soup my mom made and heat a bowl up. I pull a wine glass from our rack and fill it up with Chardonnay. I drink two glasses trying to soothe my nerves but all it did was make me miss Wesley more. The table was awfully lonely for one person but I sit there and eat my dinner. I just finished washing my bowl when I hear a knock at the door. My head turns wondering who the hell is here. Slowly I make my way to the door, making sure to glance through the peephole. Part of me really hoped Wesley was in town and decided to surprise me but Brad stands right outside the door holding a bouquet of roses. I expect to see them at least dead but they are very vibrant and alive. I can’t decide if I feel insulted or not.

  I honestly debate not even opening the door. There was nothing he could say that was going to make anything better. I let out a long sigh as I unlock the door and open it to find him standing there with a small smile on his face.

  “What do you want Brad?” I deadpan just staring at him.

  “Can I come in?” He asks timidly. I’ve never known him to be timid a day in his life. He’s up to something.

  I huff and puff for a minute before stepping aside. “I guess.”

  “These are for you.” He hands me the bouquet and I make a mental note to throw them away once he leaves. I place them on the counter and grab my wine glass turning to face him with my hand on my hip.

  “Why are you here, Brad?” I ask impatiently.

  “Look Hope, I was an asshole. I know that and I’m sorry. I told you I want another chance with you and I mean it. I’m here to prove that to you. I’ll do whatever it takes to get you back.”

  My head is spinning. He can’t seriously be standing here telling me this. Maybe he’s a figment of my imagination. I take a big sip of my wine before I close my eyes tightly hoping I’m right but I’m wrong. He’s standing there just staring at me waiting for me to say something. But I don’t know what to say. I’m at a loss for words.

  “Brad, I thought I had too many issues for you. Have you forgotten how you treated me? Because I can’t forget. You changed and not for the better.”

  He reaches for my free hand but I jerk it away realizing I am against the wall with nowhere to go and Amber is on a freaking date. “I can be the guy you fell in love with. I can be here for you. I’m sorry I wasn’t who you needed me to be when everything happened.”

  His hand reaches up to cup my chin, something he hasn’t done since, well, I don’t know when. I’m not sure what I feel, I’m not sure of anything right now. My mind is still trying to decipher what he’s saying when his lips lightly brush against mine.

  I’m weak, I’m vulnerable. I’m stupid.

  I’m lonely. I’m a lot of things
right now especially because I kiss him back. Maybe I’m trying to see if there’s anything there. His kiss is electric, it’s cool but it’s not Wesley’s. But I don’t know when I’ll feel Wesley’s again. He assured me everything was fine and all he needs is me but in the back of my mind I just don’t think I believe that one hundred percent like I should. Brad’s hands are in my hair and I’m brought back to my right frame of mind when I hear myself let out a moan. I’m startled by the sound of my moan realizing that I’m betraying myself and Wesley. The wine glass falls from my hand shattering on the floor. The little bit of wine that was left splatters on my feet.

  “Shit.” I whisper.

  “Let me clean this up for you.” He offers bending down immediately to begin picking up the larger pieces of glass.

  “No, I’ve got it.” I argue reaching for the same piece he is. The glass slices through my finger sending tears to my eyes as the blood begins surfacing.

  “Dammit Hope,” he sighs. He grabs a paper towel and wets it pressing it against the cut. I don’t want him touching me, but I’m too out of it to argue.

  When he sees my finger isn’t going to fall off, he leans in crushing his lips to mine again. I break the kiss pushing him slightly back. “Brad, I, we, this, it can’t happen.”

  “Why not Hope? I love you; I can’t love anyone but you.”

  “I can’t forget what I saw Brad. I can’t erase that from my mind. It hurt like hell.” I choke out.

  “I only want to touch you Hope, only you for the rest of my life. I’ll make you see that.”

  He leans back in, bringing his lips to meet mine. Again. Can he change? He’s the only man I’ve ever loved; do I want this to work? Everyone will be pissed, but is it what I want? I’m so confused by all of this. My brain is foggy from the wine, I shouldn’t have had any. He scoops me up in his arms carrying me to my room and I don’t protest it. He lays me on the bed showering me with his kisses and I’m feeling like that hopeless teenage girl all over again. The sweatpants are off and I’m quivering beneath his touch. His mouth is back on mine as he moves his other hand up my shirt. I haven’t felt a passionate touch from him in so long, I could almost unravel right here. His arousal pressed against my inner thigh, almost begging to come out of his jeans. I managed to get my breathing together long enough to help unbutton them and he quickly removed them.

  “I love you so much Hope.” He murmurs as he plants kisses from my breast down to my navel. I held my breath for a minute as I feel the intensity build up. I almost forget that my finger was throbbing from the shattered glass. I can’t answer him right now, so I don’t. I just let him continue to satisfy me.

  He kisses me hard getting ready to make my world explode when my phone rings. A feeling of déjà vu comes over me bringing back memories of the night Brad and my relationship came to an end. This time, it was my phone ringing. Part of me is disappointed but the better half is relieved. “I should check that.”

  “It can wait,” he whispers as he slowly tried to kiss me again.

  “Brad, it could be Amber. Please.”

  He lets out a sigh but kisses my forehead as I jump up to grab my phone.

  Chapter 14

  My heart plummets, it’s Wesley. What was I about to do? I feel dirty. I have a boyfriend. One I don’t see nearly as often as I want to, but still I have a boyfriend. This is not right by any means. Brad cheated on me and I hated him for it. Nothing about it is justifiable and I fight back tears thinking about how I’m just as horrible as Brad.

  I step out of the room as fast as I can and answer the call. “Hello?”

  “Hey beautiful, I wanted to hear your voice again before I went to bed.”

  I’m officially the biggest piece of shit in the world. My chest aches knowing what I’m hiding, “Really now?”

  I can picture his grin as he replies, “Of course, I miss you. What are you doing?” I have to stop from crying out that I was pretty much just seconds away from making a big mistake with my ex because I’m a stupid, vulnerable girl. This phone call was the biggest miracle of my life.

  “Oh, just relaxing.” My face is crimson from the lie I tell, but he can’t see it.

  “I wish I was relaxing with you.”

  “Hope, baby come back in here with me.” My world freezes and shatters all at once; the kind of shatter that you’re almost certain can’t be put back together again. It’s the giant jigsaw puzzle that you keep hidden in the back of the closet because a few of the pieces are missing. I could kill Brad right now because there’s no way Wesley didn’t hear that. A million scenarios go through my mind and I don’t like a single one of them.

  “Hope, who’s there with you?” he asks cautiously.

  I’ve been caught. And I want to cry but I could have stopped it easily. This is my entire fault. “Wesley please, it’s not what you think it is.”

  “Enlighten me please.” His tone is a little harsh and I can’t blame him at all. I sit there frozen on the phone unsure of what could possibly make this not sound as bad as it is because it is one hundred percent bad.

  “Brad came by to talk.” I answer. It’s all I can come up with. The truth will tear him apart. It’s tearing me apart right now.

  “According to what he said, he’s doing more than talking to you.” I can hear the agitation a little more. I want to end this call and pretend I never answered. I want to turn back time and pretend Brad never showed up tonight trying to work his charm.

  “He kissed me. I didn’t mean to kiss him back.” I blurt out immediately hating myself. He doesn’t answer right away and I don’t blame him. What the hell is he supposed to say to that? “I’ve got to go Wesley. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t you hang this phone up, Hope. Talk to me. If you want to be with him, then just tell me. Don’t string me along thinking I’m your puppet because I’m not a fool.”

  I start crying like a damn fool myself. He knows more happened, I can’t lie to him on the phone. He can read me like a damn book. “He only touched me Wesley. We didn’t have sex. I swear. I’m so stupid. I’m sorry, I’m vulnerable. I miss you.”

  Silence again. It’s making me extremely uncomfortable. Brad walks out my bedroom and smirks at me like he’s waiting to finish what he started but I can’t do it. I should have never let him inside the apartment. I glare at him through my tear filled eyes and whisper, “You need to leave Brad. Now.”

  Wesley finally speaks up. The sound of his voice had me clenching my chest for dear life. “Why don’t you just tell him to stay Hope? You obviously made your choice. I wish it were me and it pisses me off I’m not around to fight for you.”

  “Wes, no. My choice is you. This was a mistake tonight. I swear to you.” I beg through the phone. Brad stands by the counter continuing to watch me. Waiting for me to crumble so he can pick up the pieces. I glare at him and just point to the front door this time. He hesitates but I pick up a candlestick holder threatening to throw it at his head. That lights a fire under his ass as he continues to smile and walks out. I quickly lock the door behind him waiting for Wesley to respond.

  “Hope, I don’t know what to even say right now. If I hadn’t called, would you have taken it farther?” I’m shocked by his question and I hesitate answering. I of course want to say no but deep down I know we most likely would have gone through with it because I’m weak and so very stupid. Brad and I have a long past, there were once feelings there.

  “You can’t answer me, can you? Well I have my answer then. I can’t believe I was beginning to really fall for you. You really fooled me. I’ve got to go Hope.” And just like that he hangs the phone up. Tears began to cascade down my cheeks. In a matter of a few minutes, my life changed again and once again all because of Brad.

  Why can he make me feel so vulnerable like that? How can he make me want to fall under his spell when I want nothing to do with him? I want to call Wesley back but I keep hearing his voice in my head. The sound of his voice is haunting me and I know I won’t be get
ting any sleep tonight. Amber doesn’t keep sleeping pills anywhere in her vicinity anymore since my incident and I didn’t even live with her when it happened. It’s going to be a long night.

  I drag my feet to my room and collapse on my bed crying a river on my comforter. I’m immediately disgusted because Brad laid on these and I rip them off the bed tossing them carelessly onto the floor. I pull myself into the fetal position and stare blankly at the wall. A shadow appears in front of me and I slowly raise my eyes to see. I never heard Amber come in.

  Amber’s voice fills the apartment when I’m assuming she sees the shattered wine glass that never got cleaned all the way. “Hope? Are you ok?”

  I don’t answer her. I’m still in shock over what happened. Just like that, Wesley is gone from my life and I’m not sure how to deal with this. I finally thought I had something good in my life, something that could make all the bad disappear but I should have known better.