“What are you doing Olivia Hope Trahan?” God, I hate my first name. No one has called me that in years. Not even my Mom or Dad.
“Amber don’t call me that.”
“Calm down, it’s your name. What I should be asking you is why did I just pass Brad?” She asked.
The dried blood on my finger is pretty much evident and she continues to stare at me waiting for my answer. “Brad came by,” I whisper.
“You let him in the apartment? Hope, why?”
I don’t know. Because I’m a freaking idiot! “I don’t know Amber. I had a moment of stupidity. He caught me off guard when he kissed me and the glass fell. I tried to pick up the glass but I cut my finger. I kissed him back. I feel horrible and the worst part, if Wesley hadn’t called, things may have gone further. Wesley heard Brad and he won’t talk to me. Why am I so stupid?”
She studies my face for a minute no doubt trying to figure out what the hell she is supposed to tell me. This time I’ve royally screwed things up. Her lips press into a thin fine line and she lets out a small breath. I know what’s coming. Here comes her giving me a piece of her mind.
“I really don’t understand you Hope. You left him because he cheated on you, because he treated you like crap. How could you let him get under your skin like that?”
Her words are harsh cutting me deep. I feel like I’m bleeding out. She’s getting ready to say something else but I quickly decide I don’t want to hear the rest. I grab my phone looking to see if maybe, just maybe Wesley texted back. But there was nothing. There was no phone call, no messages even telling me how badly I hurt him. Brad hadn’t even said anything and I at least expected something since he was telling me how he can change and be who I need him to be.
Amber continues to talk, but I ignore her as I numbly stand to my feet and begin walking out the room.
“Hope, I’m talking to you. Stop walking, please just sit down and listen.” But I can’t listen anymore. I can’t do this.
My purse is sitting on the kitchen counter. I can see my keys dangling off the side. I try to catch my breath as I slip my flip flops on and walk right out the front door without even looking back.
Tears fill my eyes as I start my car. There’s only one place I really want to go right now. Well actually there are two but I can’t go to Wesley. I have no idea where he is and I’m pretty sure I’m the last person on this earth he wants to see. His words float in my head and I let the tears fall. Was he really falling for me or was he just saying that? God I feel so stupid. The last memory I have of him is from my birthday weekend and if that’s all I have to remember him by then at least it was something good but I’m so damn broken I don’t know what to do. I can’t quite say I was falling for him too. I know I definitely feel something around him. Something different from anything I ever felt with Brad and I want that feeling back. Could there possibly be another Wesley that walks into my life? I let out an aggravated sigh as I drive. My own thoughts are killing me but I can’t listen to music right now because those words will really hit where it hurts.
I pull up at the cemetery and take a deep breath as I walk in making my way towards Karlee’s headstone. Even though she was cremated, Mom and Dad still wanted to put up a memorial headstone for her in our family plot. I read the words as I stare at it: ‘Karlee Ann Trahan. Born March 4, 1986.’ I stopped reading after that. I can’t stand to read the date she died. I can’t do it. I’ve worked so hard to try and control this pain I carry day to day. My heart tears in two as I stare at this headstone and all I can think about is the stranger who helped pull us out of the vehicle and then the cops who relayed the grim news.
I cry hard. My life is such a mess and the only person I want to talk to can’t answer me. I bring my hands up to my face crying into them. I sit down beside her headstone and just close my eyes trying to find some sort of peace. That’s all I want. I want so much and I don’t know what to do to get it back.
I pull my phone out of my purse and see Amber has called several times and she must have called the damn infantry because there were at least two missed calls from Brad. I didn’t want to talk to either one of them though. I wanted the one person that I hurt.
Chapter 15
I’m still sitting at the cemetery when I hear thunder rumble in the distance. A crack of lightening follows almost making me jump up but I don’t want to move. I almost hope that I get struck just to put myself out of this misery.
My phone vibrates about the same time another rumble comes. My heart prays for Wesley, but its Brad. Dammit, why? I want to scream, I’m so damn frustrated.
Brad: You may think I don’t give a shit but Amber is worried to death about you. Where are you? I thought you wanted that earlier, I’m sorry Hope. Just tell us where the hell you are.
I scoff at his sensitive side and decide not to answer. He thought I wanted that? Ok, maybe I did in the moment but right now I most definitely did not want that. I can’t close my eyes without seeing Wesley’s green eyes smiling at me. I remember every little touch like it just happened. What’s happening to me? I can’t do this without him. He made me see what it meant to be happy again. He put meaning back in my life and gave me a reason to wake up in the morning. Now I had no reason to get up.
I thought back to the night I took all those sleeping pills. The night I swore I’d go meet Karlee. Brad and I had been arguing for two days. He was pulling all his same shit and he had thrown Karlee’s death in my face one too many times.
“I thought I might find you here. Girl you are hard as hell to find, why did you ignore my phone calls?” Amber sits beside me pulling my hand into hers. She doesn’t say anything else. She doesn’t fuss with me, she just sits there.
“I’m sorry I ran out.” I whisper.
“Don’t be. I shouldn’t have started fussing with you. Have you talked to Wesley?” She asked quietly.
I’m fighting tears again. I’m fighting just to exist right now, I hate this so much. “No. It’s over Amb. He said he was falling for me and I’ll never see him again because I fucked up.”
“Give it time Hope. He’s crazy about you.”
“I doubt that.” I scoff.
“Don’t be such a downer Hope. Things will work out, just give them some time. People make mistakes, you are human. Do you think you can work through things?”
“I don’t know.” And we’re back to silence, both of us sitting in front of Karlee’s headstone.
My phone vibrates again and my heart seems to find a little hope when I see its Wesley. I get a few butterflies as I open it but they soon go away.
Wesley: You won’t be hearing from me for a while. I don’t even know what to say to you. I never thought you could do that to me.
What am I supposed to say to that? I choke out a sob as I let the phone fall to the grass. I pretty much assumed I wouldn’t be hearing from him but he just confirmed it.
“What did it say Hope?” Amber asked.
All I could do was point to the phone. She picks it up slowly carefully reading the message. Her mouth was in a frown as she sat there speechless. She places the phone back on the grass and holds me as I cry. Rain begins to fall on us but we just sit there. I move my phone from the grass back into my purse so it wouldn’t ruin although I don’t think I would honestly care. I prayed to God this rain would wash every inch of this hurt away from me.
********
It’s been a week since that Monday. Yep, now I officially really hate Mondays. The rest of the week sucked. I tried so hard to not let my mood affect my job but I failed almost everyday. Mr. Collins said nothing though and Bailey just offered me a small smile every time she saw me. Amber would text randomly throughout the day to check on me but she was the only one. Wesley held true to his word. I haven’t heard from him and it tears me apart. I find myself every night staring at the picture of the two of us on my phone. I feel my heart flutter at the sight of him. This is the only way I could see him now. It was the only way I’d be able to see h
im forever. I’m not ok with that at all.
The more I stare at the picture, the more I miss him. I miss his kind gestures. I miss the pink daisies I got. Wesley has taken a small part of my heart. I miss Wesley Tyler and I’ll never be able to tell him that. This isn’t the first time I’ve ever admitted that to myself and it hurts. I’m tired of hurting and I have the urge to text him but his last text plays through my mind. He doesn’t want to talk to me.
I pull my compact out of my desk and look at my puffy eyes. I look like I haven’t slept in years. I look like I’ve aged tremendously in the last week. It’s time to change that. I can’t sit here and wallow over someone who doesn’t want to talk to me. I’m alive and dammit, I’m going to live.
I pull my phone out of my desk and decide to text Amber.
Me: Let’s go out this Friday. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself.
Amber: OMG are you serious? This is the Hope I love :) I’m in!
I close out the message and smile. I’m taking my life back. I may not have my heart but I have my life and it’s too short to live this way.
Chapter 16
I used to love Friday nights. I love getting dolled up to go out, but it’s been so long since I’ve done it. Amber is more than thrilled. She’s been chattering nonstop about it since I texted her earlier this week. She dragged me shopping and I ended up with a new pair of skinny jeans. It doesn’t take long before we’re ready. My hair cooperates and not a single piece is out of place. I smile at my reflection in the mirror. This is you getting your life back Hope. This is a new beginning.
I smile confidently in the mirror thinking about this new beginning. I adjust my bra strap under the black sleeveless blouse I’m wearing before stepping into my heels.
“You ready to go?” Amber smiles at me. She’s glad to have her normal best friend back. I don’t blame her, I’m glad to have me back too. I didn’t realize how much I was missing out on staying in a stagnant relationship. Not to mention the grieving I’d endured.
“Let’s go,” I smile back as we head out into the Texas air looking for a good time.
Amber pulls up at a club about ten minutes away from the house. We blasted the radio the whole way there getting ourselves mentally ready. The line to get inside isn’t too long; we only have to wait for two minutes. I offer a small smile in appreciation as the bouncer lets us in.
The music is loud. I almost can’t hear myself think. I want to have a good time; all I need is something cold to drink. Amber leads us to the bar and orders two beers. I tip mine back letting the cool liquid slide down my throat. This is just what I needed.
Amber drags me out to the dance floor where we dance our hearts out. No one bothers us which I think I really like. Amber gets a few looks from some pretty good looking guys but she won’t leave my side. The lighting on the dance floor is warm; I can feel my skin heating up. After a while, I realize my beer is empty, and I motion to Amber I’m ready to grab another which she shakes her head in agreement. I give her a thumbs up as I make my way through the sea of people up to the bar.
“It might be a minute or two. He’s the only one behind the bar.” I turn to see who is talking to me. A stranger with Hershey brown eyes is smiling back at me. He is very good looking with his messy blonde hair and toned physique but I don’t allow myself to think anything of it. I’m not here for a guy.
I smile to acknowledge what he said. “I’m Nate.” He yells out above the noise.
I feel awkward doing this but I casually smile as I reply, “I’m Hope.”
“Can I buy your drink, Hope?” He asks kindly. I’m not too sure if it’s a good idea, I’ve never let someone I don’t know buy my drink in the bar but I remember that I’m now living my life so I’m ready and willing to take a chance.
“You don’t have to Nate, I’m getting my friend a beer too.”
Just then the bartender walks up and Nate asks for three beers. He follows me like a puppy dog all the way back to the dance floor where Amber is dancing her heart out. She notices Nate and smiles real big before leaning into my ear, “Oh Hope, I only asked for a beer not a hot guy too! Mmm, he’s delicious looking!”
I roll my eyes, she’s crazy. I almost feel rude for not introducing them so I hurry and get it out the way. The minute they lock eyes, it’s over. They can’t tear their eyes away from each other. It’s almost nauseating. I smile though because I want Amber to have the fun she deserves. In fact, she’s having so much fun she forgets about me as her and Nate begin to dance. My feet are actually killing me in these heels so I decide to sit down for a few minutes.
I pull my phone out of my pocket out of habit and of course there’s nothing. I sigh as I place it back. I don’t know why I even brought the stupid thing. I finish the beer Nate bought and place it on the bar before ordering another. As I tip it back to take the first sip, a voice catches my attention. I’m imagining things. I have to be. The voice goes away but almost immediately it comes back and I’m sick to my stomach. I’d recognize that voice anywhere. It’s Wesley.
“Well aren’t you just the prettiest thing I’ve laid eyes on.” I hear him say to some blonde who’s twirling her long hair around her finger. He’s got her under his spell. I’m jealous as hell seeing someone else affected by him.
She says something and touches his arm laughing. The green monster is definitely alive and well in me. I don’t think he’s even seen me but I’m zeroed in on him. Every feeling I’ve ever felt for him comes flooding back. The feelings I never got to tell him about will stay locked up forever after seeing him with this blonde.
I try to walk off but someone bumps into me almost sending me barreling forward. All I can think is I’m about to bust my face on the floor and then I’ll definitely make my presence known but I’m able to grab onto one of the bar chairs and steady myself. Lucky for me, the beer doesn’t spill either.
I pull myself together and look up in time to lock eyes with Wesley. He’s shocked to see me, almost as shocked as I am to see him. His eyes carry hurt, this is the first time I’ve seen him in what feels like forever and I’m wishing I hadn’t. Seeing him makes it so much worse. The blonde excuses herself and walks off. Dumb move on her part. I stand still though, not moving a single muscle. His eyes never leave mine, neither one of us break the stare. He’s wearing a black button up shirt with those Wranglers he always wears and my heart skips a beat.
I have to talk to him. I have too, that’s what this new me is about. I’m living my life and if this is the only time I ever see him again, I’m taking this into my own hands. I’m going to talk. I’ve made up my mind. I walk towards him and he looks shocked but I am too. My feet move exactly like they know where they are going. They seem to possess a mind of their own. I’m really hoping my mouth doesn’t get a mind of its own and completely embarrass me. I expect him to walk off but he stands there still waiting for me.
“Wesley, I…”
He cuts me off accidentally when we speak at the same time, “Hope, what are you doing here?”
“I could ask you the same question. I’m out with Amber, who’s your friend?” I ask stupidly wishing I hadn’t.
“I have no idea, I just met her. She’s not you, but she’ll have to do.” His eyes are green pits of sadness, not a hint of the sparkle I’m used to seeing.
I didn’t expect to hear those words. That’s nice compared to the text he sent that night.
“Wesley, I’m so sorry. I wish I could erase that whole night but I swear nothing happened.”
“Please Hope, I don’t want to talk about this right now.” The sadness behind his eyes begs me to stop. I want to scream to him ‘I miss you’ but I just look at him and nod my head like I really understand him. Truth is I don’t understand him at all because we never discussed any of this. It hurt too much then and it still does.
The blonde emerges from out of nowhere wrapping her arms around his waist. I cringe right there trying not to make it noticeable but Wesley notices. In fact, he
cringes when her hands touch him, but he never tries to move them. In the back of my mind I know he is going to woo her tonight and say all the sweet things he once said to me. He was moving on from me and I just saw it with my own two eyes.
“I better go find Amber. Ya’ll have a good night. It was good seeing you Wesley.” Good seeing him? More like torture seeing him but I keep my smile on my face and turn to keep what dignity I have left.
“Hope,” he calls out. I turn back to face him. He’s somber and I swear I can see in his face that he misses me. He’s let his guard down for a split second even with her hands around him. I want him to tear away from her and run up to me. I want him to sweep me off my feet and kiss me but he doesn’t. He just stands there. “Be safe.”
Spurs & Stilettos Page 12