Memory of Morning

by Susan Sizemore

  "To you, Surgeon Cliff," Uncle Eadum said. "Congratulations, my dear."

  I bobbed a curtsy. "Thank you, sir."

  "When will you be starting at Mercy Home?"

  "Not until early next month, sir. After the Presentation and the Season has settled down a bit. I will be working there three days a week."

  "It is generous of you to donate so much of your time."

  Since I could only practice surgery on naval ships and Homes, or at charity homes, I might as well hone my skills where I was needed. "I will learn a great deal at Mercy, I am sure."

  Uncle Eadum gave Father a significant look, and I guessed what was coming. "Your father tells me you plan to apply for acceptance to the Imperial College of Surgeons. That is a brave and admirable thing to do."

  "Very," Father said. "It is about time a woman applied to join their ranks."

  "I can apply, but it does not mean they will have me. I still intend to make the effort."

  "Good for you," Uncle Eadum said, but he looked worried. "When will you storm the hallowed walls of masculine privilege? Not too soon, I hope?"

  Last night's nonsensical lecture had not made me angry despite my bending to our elders' will. Perhaps I had saved all my annoyance for when I would need it, and that time was now. "How far are you planning on intruding into my private life and personal ambitions, Uncle?" I asked. "I will only be pushed so far for the sake of the family. You cannot forbid me from advancing in my profession."

  There were many things he could order me to do, but improving one's station in life was expressly not one of them. He must obey the rules of the corporation as much as I.

  "I have no intention of forbidding you from applying," he said. "None at all."

  "But you want me to put it off? We Cliffs have always led the way."

  Offend no one of the upper ranks of society in pursuit of your knighthood, eh, Uncle Eadum? The Imperial College of Surgeons certainly contains some members of those upper ranks, and serves the connected and titled. A Cliff girl knocking on their door would certainly be viewed as an offense, no matter how necessary, and legal, it is for women to take their rightful place in every profession once closed to us.

  "Your uncle thinks that waiting a while would be for the best, yes," Father said. He gave his elder brother a defiant look. "I do not agree. This is your decision to make, Megere."

  The angry fist around my heart eased a bit knowing that my father supported me.

  "Consider carefully, niece," Uncle Eadum said.

  "I always do!" I snapped back - and I am not one for snapping at people. I took a few calming breaths.

  I'd spoken loudly enough and angrily enough for people to look our way. Uncle Eadum noticed, and said, "Perhaps we should continue this conversation in private."

  "There is no need, sir," I said. "Nor do you have any need to fear my plans might interfere with any of your own. While I am an excellent trauma surgeon, I have already decided I wish to gain more experience with more common procedures before applying for the Imperial College certificate. It will be some time before I consider myself ready. Excuse me," I said, as Star had come up and was pawing at my foot.

  I spent the rest of the afternoon playing fetch with my dog, took dinner in my room, and continued working on my book rather than facing the family again.

  The next day the dancing master showed up. This was followed by a deportment instructor. There were more visits to dressmakers and such. And then we attended temple classes to learn the Presentation ceremony. I would not say that the days flew by, but one by one, time got around to the first day of the Season.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Standing next to me in the long ranks of white, Seeli leaned close and whispered, "This perfume cost me two crowns. Now I have to throw it away."

  "Most of the money went to charity," I whispered back.

  We were waiting, as we had been waiting much of the day. I am used to spending a lot of time on my feet, but even my feet were aching. "I knew I should have ordered some white work shoes to survive this," I whispered to Seeli.

  "Could you dance in them later?"

  "Shhh," someone behind us whispered.

  Perhaps we were getting a bit giddy after so many hours. I am not saying I was not in awe of the Presentation Ritual, but it goes on and on... I had been in shorter sea battles. Of course, the battles also seemed endless at the time...

  I cannot keep a thought in my head, I thought. It had been so very long since breakfast...

  I had been soundly sleeping when we were roused long before dawn. I was grateful for that. Poor Rhane didn't get a wink of sleep.

  "Hurry, hurry! I've been dressed for hours!" she told Seeli and I when she rushed into our room while the hairdressers were still working on us. The one arranging my tresses was not happy with all the work I put her through with my unfashionably long hair. Nor did she like that I insisted on wearing silk flowers rather than real ones. The fresh flowers were going to wilt over the course of the day, and I found the idea of dead plants in my hair disgusting. I had dabbed rose perfume on some of the silk petals, and I thought the scent was nice.

  Mr. Vine had declared me a "White Rose of Ang" and made my dress accordingly. Being of the gentry class, my dress had no beading or braid, no crystals or other sewn-on embellishment, but it did have embroidery. Satin-stitched white roses covered the bodice and hem, the cloth and thread matching exactly. Among the roses on the bodice beneath the right sleeve, Mr. Vine had placed a small addition; the anchor insignia of the Southern Fleet. I liked Mr. Vine.

  Breakfast was sweetbread and butter. It was the first ritual meal of the day, but it was also the only food we'd get until the evening feast. I stuffed myself far more than I would normally eat, and got some odd looks for being greedy. I considered myself practical.

  There were seven of us dressed in white around the table, five Seeking Daughters and two Seeking Sons. I was glad that Uncle Eadum had not decided to join us. Not all Seekers were seeking their first spouse. There should have been a third male, but Alix was still on duty in the north. Of course, Alix might not have agreed to join us as he considered himself attached, although his lover had been missing in action for three years.

  After breakfast we were off to join the Seekers from several other households in the neighborhood at the local park. There we were led by a cleric in the Dawn Song. In our neighborhood's case, the cleric was Belladem, so spectators other than our families had gathered around the edge of the park to watch.

  We then began the procession to the Goddess Temple. Groups from every neighborhood of Loudon made their way to Arches Road, the city's wide main north/south thoroughfare. Arches has the palace at one end, First Temple at the other, and many temples, mansions, and government buildings in between and a huge park at the very center. Normally the park is used by riders, of both horses and bicycles during the early morning, but today it was the staging area for the second part of the procession.

  At first, I was simply glad that it wasn't raining, and the temperature pleasant. But as we Seekers came together, usually adding no more than one or two people in white at each street corner, I began to appreciate the ceremony itself. Since Seekers came from every class of people, every profession, and lived in the rich and poor section of the city, the swelling mass began to fill me with a sense of hope, and of continuity. This ceremony was happening on every island, in every town of the Empire, even on some of the Traveler ships, maybe even in the New Island colonies. Though as many Seekers as possible made the effort to be in Loudon for this day, as we did. All Seekers had the right to be here, our white clothing was meant to show our equality. We were as marked by our frocks as ever, of course, but the point was we were in life and seeking love together.

  This spring fertility ritual was ancient. Our ancestors for generations beyond counting had come together at this time of year to celebrate the continuity of life, to reinforce bonds of unity, to proclaim that we are One People Under the Gods Great Sun
and Moons. Yes, the rite had become stylized over the generations. Perhaps it had even become a parody of itself, but there was deep meaning beneath the layers of silliness. After generations of plague and war and change, it was not such a bad thing to remind ourselves that we were still the People Under the Sun and Moons.

  As we were supposed to be silent and reflective, at least all this philosophizing helped me pass the time.

  At the park more hymns were sung. There was a prayer service. I realized that there were no more than a few hundred Seekers gathered before the clerics, but from the middle of the crowd, the numbers seemed enormous. Most of the city of Loudon went about its business, but from our perspective we Seekers were the center of the world.

  From the park, the group split up for a while, the men to the Temple of Gods, the women making our slow procession onward to the Temple of Goddesses. We each carried a small bowl of glow moss. Our silence was interrupted by occasional allergic sneezes and coughs in reaction to moss spores. At the temple we each chose a patron goddess for the Season and left our glowbowls at the feet of her statue. Most chose the goddess of love, some the goddess of all life. I left my bowl before the goddess of knowledge. Much to my delight, our young Rhane left her bowl before the goddess of justice. For all her giddiness over the Season, she was practical at the core.

  Back to processing. We joined and mingled with the male Seekers in the square before First Temple, took out the perfume offering we'd each brought to pour into the Pool of Star Blessing, and took up our places in ranks before the high altar.

  Which was where we were now. Waiting.

  I should have tried praying, but instead I drifted off into ideas for a scene in my novel I wanted to rewrite in the second draft. Fortunately, it was near the end of the book, so the change wasn't going to make me have to start the copy I was making over again. Once I was done with the second draft, Miss Apple had volunteered to write out a third copy in her precise and perfectly legible hand. She had made this offer on the promise that I send the book to Professor Diamond in Avan. She and the professor had been together for a long time, and she reminded me that I was one of his students who had promised to share any of my writing with him. His opinion meant a great deal to me and--

  Someone began to sing. It was a plaintive wail of longing.

  I jumped, almost dropping my phial of perfume. Seeli gave me an amused look.

  Drums sounded from all over the temple. The lone voice by the altar became a duet, then a choir marched from behind the altar and their voices joined the duet. It took me a while to recognized the song as from a romantic epic poem I had only heard recited before. There are parts of this poem that are quite graphically erotic, and this was one of them. The drum rhythm pounded harder and faster. I believe the desired effect in this case was evoking arousal in the Seekers - and this was certainly my reaction. By the time the music died away, my skin was sensitized, my insides clenched with heat. While I was not in a state to grab the nearest male and have him, I was reminded emphatically of the fertility festival aspect of the Season.

  After that, we were finally allowed to pour our perfume into the Pool and go meet the Emperor.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Behind us in the feast hall there was lively music and the stomping of feet in a circle dance. Ahead of us was the dais where the Imperial party waited, the emperor, Marqs Shield, 4th of the name, at the center of the group of high nobles. He was central in more than one way.

  "He's a tall one, isn't he?" I quietly asked Seeli and Abethe. I was standing between these cousins as we moved along in the receiving line. I noted that the tall ruler of us all was not dressed completely in white, as some of the people in his group were. His wide shoulders were draped in a beautifully tailored dark red coat, but a white brocade waistcoat did show beneath the jacket. I took the message of his clothing to read that while he was not officially on the market, he didn't want to disappoint the hopes of any girls already half-convinced he was in love with them after his granting them the briefest of polite nods.

  I was about ten people away from receiving a nod of my own. I was looking forward to getting it over with and visiting the buffet. All right, I will confess to some awe of coming face to face with the emperor, but I was trying to pretend I was too sophisticated and modern for such feelings. If I was shaking just a little bit, well, I wasn't the only one. And at least I kept my sense of humor about it.

  Since chatting with my cousins was not a proper sort of thing to do, I tried to find other ways to settle my nerves. I studied the great nobles as we edged closer and closer.

  I had seen drawings of some of them in social and news circulars, and cartoons and caricatures in those same publications. So I found it relatively easy to guess the identities of several of the elegant gentlemen in line with the emperor. Standing to his right was a man in black who was almost as tall as the emperor. General Eagle, Lord West, commander of the Imperial Marines, though he was not in uniform. No one wore a uniform this evening.

  I paused in front of a lady in a dress heavily decorated with designs done in silver beads on a black velvet background. She wore a ruby tiara. A herald announced her name. I curtsied and moved on. I forgot who she was instantly. Next I curtsied to a young woman in white and diamonds. There was one man to go, and then I would reach the emperor. If I was sewing up a wound on the man I would be quite calm about the moment, but instead there was a rushing in my head, my mouth was dry, and I was somewhere between a giggle and a sob. Since darting glances toward the emperor would likely look ridiculous, I made myself inspect at the man beside him. This great noble was dressed all in Seeker white, velvet, and satin with no other embellishments. He was a long, lean fellow with fair skin, brown hair, and blue eyes. His expression showed that he was struggling with boredom. I thought his lips were trying not to twist into a sneer. There was something familiar about him.

  Those lips.

  "You shaved off your beard," I said.

  I heard a few gasps around me, and knew gazes of people who would never give me a second look turned my way. I pride myself on being so circumspect - but Lord North seemed to bring out a reckless streak in me.

  I do not have a reckless streak. I hated him.

  He regarded me with a raised eyebrow. "I barely recognize you without your dog or knitting," he drawled.

  Drawled. Mocked.

  If he smirked I knew I would hit him. I drew myself up angrily, ready to retort. Fortunately, Seeli and Abethe each touched me on one arm, and I managed to bite my tongue. I continued to glare at the amused Lord North. Well, I deserved mockery for blurting out nonsense in front of my betters. I lowered my gaze and curtsied, but somehow the actions took longer than they should have. Perhaps a part of me saw Lord North as an enemy who needed to be carefully watched.

  I quivered in embarrassment when the man beside Lord North asked, "Who is this young lady, Adrew?"

  The Emperor. By the All, I had drawn the Emperor's attention! This had not been my intent at all. I had had no intent, only impulse. I so disapprove of impulse.

  "This is Dr. Cliff, sire," Lord North said. "A paragon of all virtues, and native of your own fair island."

  And a fair enough kisser.

  He didn't say it, but I could almost hear him thinking it. I chanced a quick glance at him, and the laughter in his eyes told me that that was indeed the thought in his mind. I very nearly smiled back.

  "How do you know I am from Ang?" I asked. Would someone please cut off my tongue?

  "The roses covering your bosom gives your origin away, Dr. Cliff. A girl from my own land would be covered in heather. Or possibly, gorse. Or possibly--"

  "Yours is a sparse, hard climate," the emperor said. "Well met, Dr. Cliff," he said to me, and gestured me on.

  Thanking the All and swearing at Lord North, I escaped after making possibly the deepest curtsy on record for the event.

  "How could you behave like that?" Seeli asked again.

  "I have no idea,"
I replied again.

  I wanted to blame Lord North, but when a person makes a fool of themselves they should own to it. I blamed being under stress from the long day's ceremony. I blamed being out of my element. But whatever had contributed, I was still the one who had opened her mouth at the wrong time and place.

  What a shame I was cold sober at the time, so I couldn't blame too much golden wine for loosening my tongue so disastrously. I longed to rectify that sobriety now, though it would not drown my mortification, and I have a very hard head for drink. I sat in an alcove in the far rear of the hall, but only because running away from the feast would have caused more comment than staying. I held a crystal goblet of golden wine now and watched rows of bubbles rising to the surface rather than look at my cousins, or at anyone else. I hoped I imagined everyone in the feast hall looking at me.

  "I thought it amusing," Abethe said. "Look around, Meggie, and you'll see that no one is looking." She held a hand up to her ear. "I hear no buzz of gossip beneath the music."

  I laughed. "I suppose I am taking myself a bit too seriously."

  "We came here to hunt husbands," Seeli said. "Let us go on the hunt."

  Abethe groaned, but said, "Yes, I suppose we must."

  I gulped down the last of my wine and stood, a bit too quickly. Everything whirled around me. Well, the tunes the orchestra was playing were all circle dances.

  "Let us dance, my cousins," I declared.

  On the dance floor I was just another woman in white, going from partner to partner, collecting names, exchanging pleasantries. My feet flew and my skirts swirled and I flirted and was flirted with. I lost track of Seeli and Abethe in the twisting chain of dancers, but I did find myself partnering one of my male cousins.