I searched the little girl’s face for some recognition of who she resembled, and she had some familiar features. Surely if she was mine, I’d feel something…a connection? There was none, but then again, I never knew her, and I hadn’t heard her speak. Maybe if I’d see her interact with Melanie, I’d see personality traits or something that would give me more to go on than just looking at her.
Acutely aware of Valerie standing next to me, staring at my face, as she waited for eye contact and reassurance or an introduction. I couldn’t give her that, and I hadn’t wanted to introduce my past that would taint my present with her.
Emotionally, I was in lock-down, unable to comprehend what to do at that moment because potentially I’d be rejecting someone, Melanie, who may be the mother of my child or maybe even rejecting my own flesh and blood. No matter how much I loved Valerie, I found that I couldn’t bring myself to do that.
I had wanted to speak with Melanie. I had to find out the truth, but again, Valerie was at my side, and the fact that the whole clusterfuck was playing out in front of her tore my heart in two. I knew Melanie had given me a way of contacting her from how she prompted me during the conversation. I’d known she had studied for her nursing degree, and when she said she was near the hospital, I picked up on that clue, and knew she worked there.
We ended our conversation awkwardly, and I’d opened the door for Valerie to leave the café. Melanie’s eyes met mine, and without talking, I knew I’d see her again to find out exactly what had occurred with her.
By the time I’d gotten into the car, I was so preoccupied with the face of the child I’d just met that I couldn’t touch Valerie. I knew that was wrong, but I’d also known if I had I’d have said something to fuck up what we were as a couple. Valerie sat still and remained silent, but I knew she was watching me…waiting for an explanation for what that interlude with Melanie meant for us. I had no explanation so like a coward I closed down emotionally, and stared out of the window until we reached home.
If I’d gone inside with her without answers, I felt my world as I knew it would have ended. Valerie was carrying my child, and she’d just come face-to-face with someone who may have been in the same situation as her. And potentially, our baby was not my first.
It distressed me to think something in my past could shatter what we had in a heartbeat. Valerie had come to know me as her protector, the man who she found solace in. We relied on each other for comfort and support. To my mind, once I started to talk about Melanie there could be no words that would soften the blow of what happened between us back in college, and they would have brought her nothing but pain. For that reason, words failed me.
Leaving her standing in the driveway staring at me as we left almost blew my heart wide open. I had stayed in the back of the car and held it together long enough for Lee to close the door. Tears streamed down my face when I briefly explained what had happened, and instead the reassurance I had come to expect from Lee, I saw his shoulders sag in disappointment. When he said nothing, I directed him back to the coffee shop again.
I knew the hospital was near the café, and figured if she was on foot with the child she lived somewhere close. Mentioning the hospital somehow hinted I’d find her there.
Googling for the contact number, I’d called the hospital and asked that a message be passed to Melanie with my phone number. The HR department was reluctant to confirm she was even a member of staff, but I managed to sweet talk the girl on the phone and left my number in the event that she had worked there. Before I even reached the block the hospital was situated on, my cell rang.
“Hi, is this Flynn?” Melanie’s hesitant voice asked.
“Melanie?” I questioned, but I already knew it was her.
“I…I don’t know what to say…”
“Meet me. We have to talk,” I urged.
“What is there to talk about, Flynn?”
“Is she mine?” I hadn’t meant to blurt it out like that, but I had to know.
“What do you think?” she retorted with a hint of anger in her voice.
“No, I didn’t mean that. It’s just that Valerie, my girl…she’s Martin’s sister,” I said, my voice almost a whisper.
“Oh, God,” she groaned as the significance of the information I’d given her sunk in.
“Yeah…” I said and swallowed roughly as my throat constricted again.
“I don’t know what to tell you,” she stated.
“Meet me,” I urged again.
“What good would that do? It won’t change anything.”
“I have a million feelings running through me right now, Melanie. We have to talk about this.”
“What feelings, guilt? Anger? Shame? Fear? I had all of those too, Flynn, but by the time I found out about the baby and came to find you, you were gone. Martin knew about my situation, and he was supportive. Jess had no idea either. He’d wanted to take a DNA test, and if she was his he had wanted to support us. He died before Milly was born.”
I had difficulty swallowing as my throat closed fully and I felt I was suffocating for a moment. When I got my breath back, I tried again. “I’m near the hospital. Can you get away to meet me?”
“Yeah, I’ve just dropped Milly at day care. I have an hour before work.”
“Coffee shop?”
“Sure give me ten and I’ll be there.”
Lee glanced fleetingly in the rear view mirror, “I’m really worried you’re not thinking straight boss, what if this kid isn’t yours and she fleeces you.”
“It’s mine. No matter what…I’m taking responsibility for her.”
“You know for sure it’s yours?”
“No, but the alternative may be even more damaging for Valerie.”
“How can you possibly say that? How can you admitting to being the father of someone else’s kid, be the less of two evils?”
Staring at the back of Lee’s head as he parked the car, I felt completely defeated.
“Martin and I both shared Melanie at a party that night. It was a long night, and we all got carried away. Melanie’s kid must have been conceived then. She was devastated after the party about what the three of us had done together. She’d only slept with two guys before us, and felt humiliated by her behavior.”
“You want to protect her?” Lee asked.
“Martin and I swore to her we’d never tell anyone what happened between the three of us. The thing is, if it’s not my kid, she’s Martin’s. I was a free agent at the time, but Martin had started to see Jess in a casual way. Jess and Martin were in love when he died. What if the kid is Martin’s and Valerie has to live with the thought that her dead brother fathered a child by a woman her boyfriend slept with at the same time? It had been Martin’s suggestion we do it, and it was my first threesome. Back in college, we’d never even contemplated something like this might happen.”
Lee’s eyes met mine in his rear-view mirror, and his sympathetic glance almost killed me. “Fuck, Flynn. I don’t know what to say,” he said.
“Me neither, Lee. Now you know why I couldn’t go home with Valerie.” I needed some space to work it all out in my mind before I even tried to explain it to her.
I opened the car door before Lee could get out of the car, and headed back down the alleyway to the coffee shop. Walking toward the door, my head was filled with dreadful thoughts about how Valerie would react once she knew I’d left her to meet with a female related to my past.
Melanie sat at the same table Val and I had vacated only hours before, and I felt I was cheating even arranging to meet her behind Valerie’s back. My dilemma was eating me alive, but I had wanted to reduce any unnecessary stress for my girl until I knew exactly what our position was in all of this.
When I reached the table, she stood and almost reached to kiss my cheek, but didn’t and sat back down in the small wooden chair. “Well…this is…”
“Jesus. I don’t know what to say to you,” I said.
“Neither do I…it’s been
so long and now you know about Milly…”
Adrenaline threatened to take over, and I felt my temper rise, “Why the hell didn’t you contact me? You could have reached me through my management. It’s not as if I’ve been invisible this past couple of years.”
“And have Milly read the headlines ten years down the line that her Mom had a threesome, and she was the result of that? That her Mom got branded as a slut, and a gold-digging whore who trapped a rock star? I don’t think so, Flynn. Do you?”
“Is that what you think? You think that I would allow people to say that? Or I’d have denied what we did?”
By the scowling expression on her face, that’s exactly what she thought.
“I may have been a lot of things back in college, Melanie, but I’ve never shrugged off responsibility. What we did was a mutual decision that comes with equal consequences.”
“It’s too late, Flynn. I’ve told everyone Milly’s father is dead.”
“So you think she’s Martin’s?”
Melanie’s eyes filled with tears, “To be honest, I have no idea, but the shame of what happened that night will be with me for the rest of my life, Flynn. Something beautiful came from a ridiculously wild, reckless moment, but my choice of story to tell my child was that of a lovely guy who died tragically young or a wayward rock star as the press portrayed you. I didn’t want my beautiful little girl growing up watching her father bed every woman that caught his eye.”
It stung to hear her opinion of me described that way. I’d had a reputation in college, but since I’d been with the band there had been one incident I’d put my hands up to, and the rest were a few one-night stands. My image and who I was were pretty different, but to sell me as somewhat of a playboy hell raiser, Bernie had fed the press some false information that I couldn’t shake off.
“If I told Valerie the baby was Martin’s and somewhere down the line we found out she was mine that would kill Valerie. If we tell her it’s mine and she finds out she’s Martin’s, she’d never look at me again for lying to her. If Milly is mine I want to know. I’d want to take care of you both. I want to take care of you regardless. Martin isn’t here to do that.”
I could see the effect our meeting had on her. She fiddled with the sugar packs and creamer cartons on the table, then cupped her hands around her warm mug as if to be aware of what they were doing.
“I don’t want you in her life, Flynn. We’ve been doing fine just the two of us. I won’t have my daughter’s world turned upside down because you’ve flitted into it, and I don’t want to do any paternity test.”
I stood up and pushed my chair back with my legs, and the noise echoed through the empty café, “It isn’t what you want that matters, Melanie. Milly deserves the truth. You have to consider the impact of you denying her a father if she has one that’s alive. I know what it’s like to go through life without having two parents. It hurts. This isn’t just your decision. She has a right to know at some point. Whether it’s now while she can absorb the difference or when she is an adult, she should be told. The difference of when you tell her is, if she finds out you’ve not told her the truth as she grows, years down the line that could have a massive impact on her relationship with you. Think about it.”
Heading for the door, I turned to face her again, “I’m truly sorry you’ve had the burden of Milly on your own. I’m here. Think about what I’ve said. I’ll give you a few days to mull it over. Call me when you have.”
As I turned to leave she called out to me, “I’ve never thought of Milly as a burden, Flynn, she’s been my light in all of this.”
Chapter 18 ~ Flynn
Facing the music
Lost is the only word I have to describe how I felt when I left Melanie. Lee drove me home, but I still had no clear plan in my mind for how I’d handle things with Valerie. I’d promised her once that no matter what, I’d be honest with her even if it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. The thing was, our situation was different to how it was when I said it. Valerie was carrying my child, and my past had come back to haunt me.
The house was dark when we drove up the driveway. Lee put the car away in the garage, and I walked toward the front door with dread in my heart. I had no idea what to tell her. I had no idea what I was going to do either. My head was a fucked-up jumble of thoughts. I stopped and stared at my front door, the usual feeling of sanctuary I had when I saw it wasn’t there. Instead of going inside, I made my way down to the gym.
When I heard guitar riffs coming from inside, I knew Craig was there. Simone was sitting on a small bench with her feet up doing something on her laptop. The music stopped the moment he glanced up and saw me. Lifting his guitar strap over his head, he placed the guitar on a stand before heading toward me. “Hey, Flynn. No Valerie?”
It was unusual for us not to be together in the evening. I glanced at Simone and wished she hadn’t been there because I’d really needed to talk to someone. The pressure I’d felt in my head was overbearing.
“What’s wrong, Flynn?” Simone stood and made her way to me and shoved her hands in the back pockets of her jeans. “Is Valerie all right?”
I hadn’t wanted to get into it with Simone there, but she knew me well enough to know something wasn’t right. My initial reaction was to blow off any concerns she had. Instead, I found myself pouring every thought and anxiety I’d had into the room in the hope that someone would guide me with what to do. Once I’d told them the situation both of them stared at me in disbelief.
“I don’t think I have a choice but to accept responsibility for this child,” I said.
“I think you should take a test before you go taking responsibility. If there’s a chance it could be Valerie’s brother’s child, don’t you think she has a right to know that?” Craig asked.
“What would you do? I witnessed the devastation Valerie went through. I saw a young girl almost destroyed by the death of her brothers. I never thought she’d recover from that. I love her more than life itself, and she’s about to be the mother of my child. When she finds out that I’ve slept with a girl who has a child that could be mine, but even worse than that, her deceased brother slept with the same girl at the same time it will break her. Don’t you see that Melanie, the girl in question will be in our lives either way? How would you feel Simone? What would you do?”
“I get what you’re saying, but what would I do if I were you? From what I know of Valerie, you’d have to be crazy not to be honest with her. I know you are torn up about this, Flynn, and in your defense, you had no idea about any of this. You can’t keep it a secret now anyway, she’s probably guessed if she was there, and from how you said you left her here. She’ll know exactly where you were going earlier. You have a hard choice to make, but I vote you tell her.”
None of us had heard Valerie enter the gym until she spoke,
“What should you tell me, Flynn? What is this hard choice you have to make?” she said, her angry tone told me I’d already hurt her deeply.
Simone rushed over to Valerie and placed her hand on Val’s bicep, “I’m sorry, Valerie. I told him he should be talking to you about this, but I think Flynn’s in shock himself at the moment.”
“Yeah? In shock? And why is that, Flynn?” she said directing her questioning look straight at me. My worried eyes searched her face, and her expression softened when she saw the pain and hurt I was carrying.
“Valerie, I can’t even begin to tell you…”
“Apparently not, but you don’t seem to have had that issue telling other people,” she said, her voice bitter as she cut me off.
I could feel the hurt rolling off of her, and I knew once I’d started to talk the effect of my words would crush her. I wondered whether my fear was of that or the fear of losing her. I stood frozen in silence because that was the last thing I wanted to happen.
We were at a point where I had no choice but to come clean about everything. Valerie deserved the truth no matter what the effect it had on us. I’d promised
her that even if it meant losing her.
“Not here. Let’s go back to the house. We need to talk, babe.” I said as I reached out my hand for her to take it. My heart pounded as Valerie quickly glanced at it and then at Simone, who was nodding her head slightly as if to prompt her to take it. I could see her inner turmoil about whether or not to accept my gesture, and for a moment I thought she was going to reject it. The relief I felt when she slipped her soft, warm hand into mine was immeasurable.
A difficult silence hung heavily between us as we walked back up to the house. On reflection that was probably due to the questions and anxieties at play in the both of our minds, and how the difficult conversation were about to have would change us as a couple. The outlook was bleak as far as I was concerned.
Valerie walked through the foyer to the den and slipped off her shoes before sitting perched on the edge of the leather sofa. She looked on edge, and my heart shredded that my past was already hurting her before I’d disclosed the extent of my actions. My internal debate about whether to tell her about Martin or not played heavily on my mind, but once I’d made up my mind she deserved the truth, I figured the whole truth was better than half-truths.
It pained me when I saw the distress on her face. I hadn’t really taken in her appearance in the gym, too caught up in my own dismay to recognize the extent of hers.
Valerie’s doleful eyes met mine, and she stared sharply before they narrowed, and the crestfallen expression shredded my heart, “You left me, Flynn. You just abandoned me here…”
“Fuck! I’m sorry. I was in shock I couldn’t think straight. I was scared to face you…”
“Not fucking good enough. How dare you treat me that way! I’d never have done that to you, no matter what the circumstances.”
She was right of course, she wouldn’t have, but Valerie had an emotional wealth and wisdom way beyond anything I was capable of.
Ready For Flynn, Part 2 : A Rockstar Romance (The Ready For Flynn) Page 16