Pushing my knees against hers as I sat close to her, I took her hand in mine, “Maybe when you hear what I have to tell you, you’ll understand my reluctance and why I reacted in the way that I did. It won’t mean I’m right, just that I was trying to protect you.”
Valerie looked down at her lap and almost pulled her hand away from mine, and my grip tightened, “You and this baby are my whole fucking world, babe. I don’t give a flying fuck about my band, music, fame, or Bernie’s conviction if I don’t have you. You have to believe me when I say that. I can’t apologize for trying to keep information from you that I think will damage our love for each other, or will cause you heartache.”
I saw Valerie’s struggle to swallow before tears ran unchecked down her face. I lifted my other hand and brushed them away before smoothing her hair down and placing my hand on her cheek.
“I really don’t want to do this, Valerie. What I have to tell you will rock your world. Our world. What I found out today may have been slightly less harrowing if I knew the answer to what I have to share, but I don’t. The only thing I can say for sure is what happened, occurred before I met you, and I’ve never felt what I feel for you, for anyone else.”
“I think this is the second time in my life you’ve underestimated me. How can you know what I’ll think or what I’ll do? You think you have the right to think for me? Or hold back on something that is obviously that big of a deal, that I should be spared the truth of the matter? Unless you tell me what it is, how can you possibly know how I’ll react?”
“Trust me, you’ll react. You’ll have so many thoughts running through your mind you won’t know which one to deal with first. Until today, when you looked at me, you always smiled with your eyes. When you looked at me, it was with adoration and love. I don’t think I can cope if I lose that, but I think I will, and maybe the selfish side of me can’t bear that.”
“Just fucking say it, already. Whatever it is, I need to know. The longer you leave me in limbo like this, the more incensed I’m becoming. I can’t make any decisions when I have no understanding of the issue,” she said, livid that I’d been stalling.
Watching her misery and knowing I was the cause almost ripped my heart out, so I knew I had to man-up and deal with the fallout from my previous sins.
Valerie’s back straightened as I saw her self-protection kick in, and I chewed my bottom lip nervously, “Promise me one thing. You won’t run. You’ll stick it out and work at this with me, no matter how hard it feels for you,” I asked.
Big emerald eyes clouded with tears glared back, “Was that your child today, Flynn? Is that what this is? Why don’t you just say it? I think I know it is before you answer. Why all the fucking drama?”
Feeling helpless I dropped her hand and pulled mine through my hair, then turned to pace the floor. I tilted my head to look at her, and still the words wouldn’t come.
Valerie stood and flung her hands up exposing her tiny slightly swollen belly. Her previously flat torso had changed shape, and it seemed more prevalent at that moment.
“Look at you. Spit. It. Out. What the hell is it? This is bad isn’t it? How can I offer you a promise that I may not be able to keep? I don’t know what it is that’s so difficult to say, but by the way you are reacting, I know it’s going to take time to digest.”
Slumping on the sofa across from her I faced her square on, “Okay, Valerie, but know this, I love you with all my heart. If I could have a do-over for that day, I’d give anything for it.”
Without realizing, Valerie had sat back down and clutched the sofa cushion at the sides of her knees with both hands. Her knuckles were white as she clung to it for support, and I had run out of time to share the news I knew she’d be devastated to hear.
“I’d seen Melanie around college, and we’d been to some events together in a group. Martin and her, they’d been…friends on and off and had started college on the same day. She was a pretty quiet girl from what I remember.”
Valerie sat quietly, her body completely still as she hung on my every word. She was so beautiful and so vulnerable looking at the same time, and the thought she’d hate me after I finished our conversation cut me to the bone.
“One night we went to a party, and there was a lot of alcohol. None of us were used to drinking that much, and things got out of hand. The more we drank, the lower everyone’s inhibitions became…”
“Spare me the details, Flynn, so the little girl with Melanie is yours?”
I shook my head, wishing I could just have said yes.
“I don’t understand, Flynn…”
“I did have sex with her that night.”
Valerie’s body jumped like I’d slapped her, my words hitting home even though we’d almost established that before I’d started talking.
“So why are you denying the child? She has the same rare eye color and dark hair. She looks like her mom, Flynn, but she looks familiar at the same time,” she said in a hurt voice that was almost a whisper.”
“If it was that simple, Valerie, I’d put my hands up. I have no issues accepting responsibility, but I wasn’t the only person to sleep with her that night.”
Valerie’s head turned away from me, but not before I caught the distaste on her face. “How many guys did she sleep with that have your unusual eye color?” she asked making a fair point.
Swallowing nervously I met her gaze and held it in a silent moment, and pleaded with them for forgiveness, “Two.” Her brow creased as she tried to figure out what it was I was trying to say. It was a few seconds before the significance of what was left unsaid hit her. When it did, her jaw fell slack and she began to shake uncontrollably as tears sprang to her eyes. Fat tears streamed down her cheeks and off of her chin.
“Martin?” she questioned, her voice barely a whisper, “Oh. My. God.”
Pushing off the sofa, Valerie stood up fighting for breath as the air suddenly felt stale and heavy between us. I saw her gasp before she began to hyperventilate, and immediately went to help her in an effort to soften the blow she’d been served. Before I could reach her, she’d dropped to her knees, and I saw the impact of my night of debauchery dissolve all the bravery she’d mustered since her family tragedy.
Crouching beside her on the floor I’d had no hesitation about hugging her tightly, and she’d had no resistance to me, thank God. I wasn’t sure what she was thinking only that I had to make her feel my love for her at that moment. It cut me in half to know I was responsible for her distress and the thoughts that ran through my head ranged from wishing I’d never met Melanie to wishing Martin was still alive.
“I’m so sorry, babe,” I’d said as my own eyes blurred with unshed tears.
Pulling her body away from mine she stared into my eyes and instead of the hate I’d expected to find there all I saw was sympathy and sadness. A single tear rolled down her cheek and disappeared under her chin she whispered as her eyes held mine, “I know you are, Flynn. I know.”
Wrapping her arms around me tightly she allowed herself to meld into my body and buried her face in my neck. Sobbing quietly I held her for a few minutes until she leaned away to look at me again, “I need time to think about this, Flynn. I’m not pushing you away, but I need to come to terms with what this means for us…all of us, the girl, her baby, you, and the possible the impact it could have on my family if that little girl is Martin’s. Either way, it’s something we all have to deal with, but right now I need a few days to breathe. Can you book me into a hotel somewhere?”
“Why do you need to go anywhere? If you don’t want me in the same bed right now, I understand. There’s plenty of room here.”
“No, because you’ll try and talk me round and I want space where you can’t get at me, I need to figure this out for myself.”
When she said she wanted to leave, it crushed me. I was in meltdown at the thought she hadn’t wanted to be near me, and was about to protest, but something inside told me that if I’d asserted my will on her, it would
only have driven her further away. I needed her to stay in Chicago so that we could work it out. The whole mess wasn’t Valerie’s fault, it was mine, and as much as I’d hated the thought of it, I had to give her space to figure it out.
“You stay here, I’ll go.”
“I’m not putting you out of your own home, Flynn.”
“Our home, and I won’t hear of you going somewhere else.”
She struggled with sending me away, but she never argued about it. She stood and stepped further away from me, “Tomorrow it has to be business as usual. We have a video to shoot, and even if we’ve got problems in our private life we can’t afford to allow that to affect the band.”
Her professionalism stunned me. Thinking about the band had been the last thing I expected. Had it been me I might have said, “Fuck the band.” If she leaves me over this, I may say that anyway.
Chapter 19 ~ Valerie
No more tears
My head throbbed as I watched Flynn and Lee leave the safety of his house. I hadn’t been thinking straight when I agreed to him going elsewhere and when he’d insisted on going instead of me. He was right, the house was big enough that we could have had separate wings, and we’d never have seen each other, but I’d felt so hurt, and I was mad as hell at how fate had stepped in again to mess with my happiness.
Instead of me seeing sense and us both staying put, I had the added worry that I’d made Flynn vulnerable because he was famous and I’d cast him out to stay somewhere else. Lee had promised to keep him safe, and instead of a hotel he’d taken him to his place. The same one we’d briefly gone to when Iria had tried to damage Flynn’s reputation.
My mind was in turmoil that a precious piece of Martin could still have been walking on this earth, and the thoughts that if it wasn’t his, Flynn may already be a father. I closed my eyes and tried to picture the little girl again, and wondered how old she was. I’d guessed she had to be at least two years old because it had been much longer than that since Flynn had left college.
Blood roared in my ears from my rapid heartbeat while my muzzy head felt as if it were about to explode with the implications of everything that had to be considered. The shocking news we’d received finally hit home again, and I burst into another bout of tears. My heart ached. Martin would never know he was a father if she is his child. He’d have been a great father. My parents could be grandparents. Kayden could be an uncle…Adam would have been one too had he lived.
A loud sob tore from my throat, and instantly all the feelings of sorrow and loss I’d had when I first lost my brothers washed over me again. Raw feelings of grief and misery took hold in my mind, and the sick, sinking feeling like lead in my belly threatened to pull me to a dark place.
Overwhelmed by everything, my thoughts went around in circles for many long hours. When I glanced at the time, it was 3:37 am. I needed to talk to someone but had no clue what to say, if that made any sense. My heart was bleeding, and I had nowhere to turn, except maybe the one person who’d feel the same way as me about this if he knew—Kayden.
As soon as I thought of him, I kind of understood where Flynn’s thoughts had been. How do you tell someone you love that kind of information knowing you’ll bring back all the hurt of a horrible memory for them? Especially, when Kayden had fought so hard in his struggle to overcome the survivor’s guilt he’d suffered from.
The heartache of his losses and the mental scars Kayden bore had taken its toll on him since that day. In my mind, he’d never been the same, but there were glimpses of the old, laid back version of him every now and again, and I’d prayed that with time he’d rediscover his sense of adventure and fun. If anyone could find his smile again, it would be his girlfriend, Amber.
Around 4:00 am I lay in the darkened room, curled up on the sofa staring out at the long flowing branches of the willow trees swaying in the wind. I lost myself in them as they cast shadows over the moonlit, wooden floor in the den. I’d had no more tears left, and I figured I should at least lie down in bed. I had a responsibility to my baby growing inside me, so I went upstairs and lay down.
Eventually, I fell into a fitful sleep and around 6:00 am I heard my phone vibrate in my purse. Shoving myself into a sitting position, I cleared my throat as I reached down to the floor at the side of the bed and pulled it out to see who it was. When I saw that Flynn had left me five texts my heart started aching all over again.
Flynn: Please don’t give up on me, Valerie. I love you more than you’ll ever know.
Flynn: I miss your smell, your touch, your warmth. I’m so sorry, babe. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to hurt you.
Flynn: I can’t sleep so I wrote you a song because there’s this massive hole in my heavy heart tonight. It’s not that great because I’m feeling pretty emotional and I know words will never be enough. Check your email, babe.
My heart cracked, the hurt emanated off the short text and hit me in the chest. I leaned down and pulled my laptop off the floor and powered it up.
To: Valerie Darsin
From: Flynn Docherty
Only you.
One glance at your smiling face
And inside feels like I swallowed the sun
When I hear the sound of your familiar voice
Know where ever you are I’ll will always run to you
Tell me we’re okay, babe,
Tell me you forgive me,
I never meant to hurt you,
God knows how much I love you
Say you need me—like I need you
The feel of your warm breath on my lips
Brings memories of the day that we met
When my thoughts of you make my heart flip
Life maybe short so don’t live with regrets
Tell me we’re okay, babe
Tell me you forgive me
I never meant to hurt you
God knows how much I love you
Say you still want me —like I want you
When you’re near my whole world feels so right
Val you were made just to be by my side
Once we pass this storm our future is bright
Baby please let me come home tonight
So tell me we're okay, babe
Tell me you forgive me
God knows I never meant to hurt you
Say you still love me—like I love you…only you.
Staring at the blurry email on my laptop, I blinked rapidly trying desperately to hold back my tears. My heart ached desperately to be near him. Love is love, no matter what’s happened before, during or after.
I was exhausted and thought he must have been as well. He’d poured his heart out to me, and I hadn’t even seen what he’d written until that morning. I sniffed quietly, dabbing my eyes with a tissue, and continued to read the small note at the bottom of the email.
My beautiful Valerie, my girl, mother of my unborn child, my everything,
When I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror yesterday morning and saw my mile wide smiling face I thought, You lucky bastard. Then I turned, and your gorgeous, seductive eyes met mine as you leaned sexily in the doorway. You set my heart on fire with that glance, babe, and my body immediately gravitated toward you. As soon as I wrapped my arms around you, you placed a small kiss over my heart. That small loving gesture melted it for the millionth time since I’d met you. At that moment, I felt everything was finally right in my world. I could never have imagined my day would end the way it has; with me lying in here a strange lumpy bed. My heart has a completely different feeling to the one I’ve mentioned before. It’s full of fear, anxiety and dread. I’m lying here wondering if I’ll ever feel the things I’m missing most right now, again. Like your soft, warm skin under my hands, your hot breaths on my chest soothing me as you sleep beside me, and the comfortable, secure feeling I have when our limbs naturally tangle like vines in our warm bed. I’ve felt like I’m drowning without water since you asked for space, but I respect the fact that you aren’t reacting in
a knee jerk way. Take your time, Valerie, but don’t give up. Please. Take care of our baby for me. I pray this works out for us, babe, but I have more questions than answers myself right now, so I’m lost for words that will reassure you. All I know is my love for you is greater than anything else. Goodnight my sweet girl, I’ll see you at work tomorrow.
There were two further texts on my cell from him that must have been written after the email.
Flynn: Good morning, beautiful. I’m determined to be positive. I’m feeling optimistic we can work this out. Today is a new day, Valerie, and I think it only fair to warn you, I am going to fight for you until I breathe my last breath if that’s what this takes. I’ll do it with all that I am, and with all the passion that’s in my heart, and I’ll do it for however long it takes to win you back. I love you my precious girl. You are mine. Fxx
Flynn: Tell me you slept. I’m worried. X
My heart squeezed at the effort he’d put into his email, and even though we were facing something life changing, I fell in love with him even more after reading how much I meant and how much he’d missed me. I was crushed that he was hurting so much, but at a loss of how to comfort him. I could hardly blame him for something he’d done before I met him, and I couldn’t be angry about the child, none of it was her fault. If my anger had to be directed at anyone it was at Melanie, for choosing not to find Flynn, and establish who the father really was.
Ready For Flynn, Part 2 : A Rockstar Romance (The Ready For Flynn) Page 17