Walk of Shame

by Jennifer Dawson

  “Don’t lie.” She huffs, and it puffs out her magnificent chest. “I promise it’s not necessary. I’m a big girl.” Distress flashes over her features. “Older than you, so I understand how the one-night stand works.”

  “Do you now?” I keep my voice amused, light. Clearly she’s on a roll and I have no intention of stopping her.

  “Yes.” Her chin tilts.

  “And how does it work?”

  She rolls her eyes. “I admit this is an unfortunate coincidence that appears to be my fault, but you can go your way, and I’ll go mine. I’m not here for you and have no intention of repeating the other night.”

  While I’d like to dispute her claim, I decide against it, choosing instead to focus on the more interesting part of this predicament. Because her actions are clearly a spontaneous decision made hours after she’d left me. The question is, why? “What are you here for, Ashley?”

  She sucks in a breath. “I’m here for me.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It’s none of your business.”

  I fall silent, mulling over my options since she’s on the run and not at all happy to see me. Finally, I say softly, “You’re wrong, I was going to call you. If you hadn’t left, I would have asked you to breakfast that morning and then to dinner as soon as I got back to town. Since you snuck away, I’d planned on asking Ruby for your number. But make no mistake, you would have heard from me.”

  She blinks those clear blue eyes at me. “I don’t believe you.”

  “Fair enough, why?”

  She looks out to the ocean before she shrugs.

  I have a feeling I know why. There had been something a bit too desperate about that night, a touch too intense and hungry. There was something embarrassing about doing things people who’d known each other for years were afraid even to discuss. I’d felt the same way, but instead of wanting to walk away, all it did was make me want more. I decide to probe a bit and see where it leads me. I meet her gaze. “Things got a little too dirty between us, didn’t they?”

  She sucks in a breath. “Everyone knows one-night stands like that aren’t meant for anything more.”

  “True.” I’m not going to pretend she’s not right, because she is. Crazy, dirty sex with a stranger is supposed to be a one-shot deal. Only, when I’d been introduced to Ashley I hadn’t been thinking about one night. I hadn’t even planned on sleeping with her. I’d been instantly attracted to her. Captivated by her smile, and quick wit, I’d set my mind to pursue her. I’d intended on a proper courtship, only we’d had too much to drink, our flirting had turned sexual and hot, and I’d had to get my mouth on her. It’s not an excuse, but it’s still the truth.

  I try my best to explain. “The second I met you I wanted to ask you out, but since I’m five years younger than you, I knew I’d have to convince you. I got a little carried away.”

  Okay, a lot carried away.

  She turns to look at me—and I catch it—a second before it disappears. Hope. “It doesn’t matter. I’m too old for you.”

  “Five years is nothing.”

  “It is to me.” She frowns. “Besides that’s not the point.”

  “What’s the point?”

  She blows out a breath. “It doesn’t matter.”

  She doesn’t have one. I meet her gaze. “Can I take you to dinner tonight?”

  She jerks, and I see the surprise in her expression before she starts shaking her head. “No. I’m here by myself for a reason.”

  “And what reason is that?”

  She seems to find some sort of hidden reserve and squares her shoulders. “I’ve decided it’s time to find myself. I’ve sworn off all men, dating and sex for a year.”

  Well shit. Celibacy definitely puts a crimp in my plans.

  * * *

  Ashley

  How could I have let this happen?

  Christopher stares at me, his butterscotch hair blowing in the breeze, his light brown eyes narrowed and assessing.

  Only me. That’s all I can think. What kind of an idiot plans a week of solitude and conveniently forgets the guy she slutted it up with is going to that exact resort for a medical conference? Who does that?

  I sigh. Me! That’s who.

  As soon as he’d told the story the memory had come flashing back to me. Not fuzzy and dreamlike, but with harsh, jagged focus.

  We’d made our way through the streets, stopping and making out like a couple of teenagers every couple of minutes. We’d finally stopped to sit on a bench, fighting to catch our breaths. He’d been talking about the conference, the hotel, the trip all while stroking my clit in slow distracting circles. I hadn’t been paying attention to the words; instead, I’d been grinding my hips into his hand, silently begging him for more pressure.

  He’d laughed, told me I’d been soaking his fingers, then pushed me over with ruthless efficiency right there on the park bench.

  I flush with heat and embarrassment at the memory.

  He wanted to ask me out. Yeah, right? I’d hardly been on my best girlfriend behavior. And I know from experience, don’t I? There were girls you slept with, and girls you dated. I’d always believed I was girlfriend material, but now I know better.

  Trevor taught me that.

  Now it’s my job to fix myself.

  Christopher frowns, pulling me back to the beach, which moments before had been paradise. “So you’re saying you left my bed and promptly took a vow of celibacy?”

  If his world had been spun off its axis like mine had, that statement would make perfect sense.

  “It’s nothing personal. My actions made me realize I needed to make some changes.” I bite the inside of my cheek and decide to be honest, although I don’t know why. Maybe because it’s different. Or maybe it’s because there’s something steadfast about Christopher that invites the truth. I say softly, “I’m tired of being that girl.”

  He sits forward, and legs spread, laces his fingers between his splayed knees. “What girl?”

  I meet his gaze. “Like you don’t know.”

  “I don’t. That’s why I’m asking.”

  I raise a brow. “Chad and Ruby didn’t warn you off me?”

  His expression flashes before he shrugs. “They did.”

  At least he’s honest.

  It hurts. Chad I understand, because I did proposition him for sex and all that embarrassing stuff, but Ruby stings. She may not be in the inner circle with my two closest friends, but she’s still a friend. I’ve still known her since college, still hung out with her. She’s supposed to at least like me. I look out at the waves crashing over the shore. “So then you do know.”

  He’s silent for a while before he says, “They told me you were on the rebound from some guy clearly not good enough for you. That you were looking for a replacement. Is that about right?”

  It feels so much more complicated in my mind, but when he breaks it down like that it twists my stomach and leaves behind a vaguely nauseous sensation. “I suppose that sums it up.”

  “So did you use me for the night? Sleep in my bed while picturing some other guy?”

  No! I want to scream the word. Okay, it did start that way. I’d wanted to use Christopher to fill the void Trevor left behind but that’s not the way it ended.

  Within fifteen minutes of meeting him I’d been getting lost in his eyes, the feel of his hand on my back, and by the time his mouth was on mine he’d been the only thought in my head. Tucked into that corner at the party, everything else had disappeared. And for the first time in forever, I forgot about Trevor, forgot about my humiliation, forgot about my sadness.

  For the first time I’d met someone that wasn’t a substitution.

  This is what I want to say. What I have the urge to confess, to make him understand. But then I look at his face, his cute, boyish face that hides a devil in bed.

  He’s the perfect guy. He’s smart, good-looking, interesting and nice. He listens when you talk, is attentive and thoughtful, an
d he’s going to be a surgeon.

  Some nice girl is going to snatch him up in a heartbeat and he deserves that. She’ll be all sweet, probably a kindergarten teacher that will quit her career to be the perfect doctor’s wife. They’ll have a big house in the burbs, perfect little children and a dog.

  I want that for him. He deserves that.

  It can be my first selfless act on my path to enlightenment. I shrug. I can’t manage to spit out the lie, but I do manage a weak, “I’m sorry.”

  He studies me for a long, long time with a narrowed gaze and a hard set to his strong jaw. A jaw I’d scraped my teeth over, before begging him to take me harder, not forty-eight hours ago. He’d denied me that time, instead slowing his pace until his cock moving inside me felt almost dreamlike.

  At the memory, my nipples pull instantly tight and between my legs a slow heat builds. I shift in my chair to quell the ache, all the while never looking away.

  After what feels like an eternity, he nods. “All right then.” He stands. “Enjoy your vacation.”

  He turns and walks away.

  I swallow the sudden tears that rise in my throat.

  I will not cry.

  It’s over. That’s fine, because all Christopher was meant to be was a fun distraction to fill up my lonely night. In the end, I’m doing the right thing by letting him go.

  That’s why I came here, to change.

  I can’t melt into a pool of liquid heat and go to dinner with him. I can’t break the vows I’d made to myself. Especially for him, a younger guy with whom I have no future, no matter how he makes me feel. Besides, he probably just wants another night of crazy sex.

  This has to be a test. There’s no other option.

  I’d done the right thing.

  Tomorrow will be better.

  My eyes well.

  I will not cry. I’m done crying over guys.

  I’m strong. I can do this. I have to learn to be alone.

  Chapter Four

  Christopher

  This fucking sucks.

  Maybe it’s my ego, but something is off here. Ashley wasn’t telling me the truth about that night. I don’t care what she says, she hadn’t been thinking of anyone else when we’d been together. Not the way she’d stared up at me with needy, liquid-blue eyes. I’ve pictured other girls while someone else was under me, and that’s not what it looked like. What it felt like.

  How had she transformed from being all over me the night of the engagement party to not even wanting to have dinner with me?

  We had a connection. It wasn’t in my imagination.

  I didn’t have answers, but I did have a source of information.

  I went up to my room and called my brother’s cell.

  “Hey, how’s paradise?” My brother, Chad, asks when he picks up.

  Chad is the middle brother, sandwiched between my oldest brother Cameron and me. The lone non-surgeon in our family of doctors. A software developer, he leads a team at a firm in the Loop and recently got engaged to his girlfriend, Ruby.

  Ruby is one of the most awesome people I’ve ever met. Chad once referred to her as a rebel snow white and it’s a perfect description. With shiny black hair, ridiculous blue eyes and full red lips, she’s gorgeous, fun, and there’s not one thing conventional about her. Until she came around, Chad had always dated nondescript blondes that worried my outspoken, feminist mother for their lack of challenge.

  But my mom loved Ruby the second they met. We all had. She’s exactly right for my brother.

  Ruby also happens to be friends with Ashley.

  I clear my throat. “Interesting, I’ll give you that.”

  Chad laughs. “How can a conference about cutting open people be interesting?”

  I narrow my gaze. “Ashley’s here.”

  Silence, before a speculative, “That is interesting. I know you took her home, did you decide to keep her for a bit?”

  “Not exactly. It’s somewhat of a coincidence and not the point right now.” I pick up a scrap of paper lying on the nightstand and run my finger along the edge. “Is Ruby there?”

  More silence before he sighs. “Hang on.”

  I hear a bunch of rummaging and background noise and talking before my future sister-in-law comes on the line. “Hey, what’s up?”

  I don’t mince words. “Ashley’s here.”

  “Did she follow you?” The question is delivered without pause.

  I don’t like the implication Ashley’s the kind of girl that would do something like that, and I want to ignore it, but denial isn’t in my nature. If Ashley is a nutcase, better to cut my losses, use the night to fill my fantasies, and call it a day. I crumple the paper. “Is she really the type that would do that?”

  “I wouldn’t think so, but she’s had a tough go recently, so I don’t know.”

  It brings me some relief, but it doesn’t dispel the niggling doubts. “I don’t think she did.”

  “Why’s that?” Ruby’s, smoky singer’s voice is curious.

  “Well, for one she wasn’t happy to see me and two, she wants nothing to do with me.” I run my hand through my hair. Processing through my answers makes me more sure. “That doesn’t strike me as stalkerish behavior.”

  Ruby laughs. “Oh, I can tell you right now that is not how she’d act if she’d followed you. I’m not saying she’s above playing innocent, but if she followed you, she’d be all over you.”

  The last of my doubts evaporate. “That’s what I thought. So I want you to tell me her story.”

  Now Ruby falls silent, and I can practically hear her pondering through the cell. “Did you ask her the night of the party?”

  We hadn’t talked about our pasts. We’d been too focused on other, more carnal things. I clear my throat. “All I know is what I learned from you. That she was on the rebound and I should stay away.”

  “Since it doesn’t look like you’re going to stay away, why not ask her yourself?” Ruby sounds inquisitive, thoughtful.

  “I can’t ask her if she won’t even talk to me.”

  “All I’m willing to say is she was in love with a guy for a long time that didn’t love her in return. If you want more information, you’ll have to find a way to talk to her.” There’s more silence over the line as Ruby thinks before she continues. “I’ve known Ashley since college, and while she’s not one of my best friends, she’s still my friend. She’s been hurt enough. Maybe you should leave her alone and let her find someone that can make her happy. She doesn’t need any more guys playing with her.”

  I grit my teeth and my hand clenches into a fist, almost instinctively. “I’m not playing with her.”

  “Is that why you took her into the closet?” Ruby’s tone is light, meant to sound like a quip instead of the rebuke it really is.

  “How did you know about that?”

  “It was kind of hard to miss, Chad and I had bets on if you were going to go at it right there in the corner.” She chuckles. “I won, but half the party saw you guys stumble into the closet and she”—Ruby clears her throat—“didn’t look the same when she returned.”

  Okay, so in my drunken, horny state I didn’t exercise the discretion I thought I had. “What does that have to do with anything?”

  “Nothing,” Ruby says lightly. “It’s just more of a player move, is all.”

  In that moment I realize if I want Ruby to give me anything helpful I’m going to have to give her something in return. Something sincere and honest. I rub my eyes. “I know how it looks and I’m sorry if we were obnoxious on your big day, but I like her, Ruby. A lot. All I want is a chance to get to know her, properly. And I’m a nice guy. You know I am.”

  Ruby chuckles. “You were obnoxious, but it was kind of cute, and I didn’t mind.” She sighs. “I want to help you, but I have to be honest, her rejection of you is not standard Ashley behavior, so I really don’t know why she’s doing this. But, I’ll do you this one favor, I will call her and try and find out what’s going on. I won�
��t betray her confidence, but I will tell you anything I deem useful.”

  “I can live with that.” It would have to do while I formulate my plan.

  “Good. I’ll let you know.”

  * * *

  Ashley

  I decided to have dinner on my balcony, a nice little table for one that looks out over the ocean. I sipped my Sauvignon Blanc and pick at my mango-encrusted halibut dish, and pretend I wasn’t holed up in my room to avoid running into Christopher.

  After the disaster on the beach, I was granting myself one night of pity, and then I’d suck it up and get on with my solo vacation.

  My phone rang and I looked down to see Ruby’s name on the display. There’s only one reason she’d be calling. I hit decline and take another sip of wine.

  A second later my text went off. I know you’re there, so pick up.

  Thirty seconds later my phone rings again. I sigh and answer, cutting right to the chase. “Is this part of your future sister-in-law duties?”

  I’m not going to pretend things haven’t been a bit strained with Ruby. I have a feeling she knows I propositioned her future husband, but she’s never said anything, and I can’t exactly ask. I don’t blame her. I mean, in fairness, my throwing myself at him was before she got together with Chad, and it didn’t mean anything. I’m not hung up on him. He’d just looked like a good substitution for Trevor. Someone in the same league, better actually, to even the score.

  But I can’t apologize for something I’m not sure she even knows about. She’d known I was after Chad before they got together. I’d told her often enough I thought he was hot, so I couldn’t figure out if the strain was because we’d lusted after the same guy and she’d won, or because she knew what I’d done.

  Ruby laughs. “Yes, I guess they are.”

  “So I suppose Christopher called you.” No point in beating around the bush.

  “He did.”

  “Did you tell him to stay away from me again?” My voice is snappish and it occurs to me, I’m pissed at her. I hadn’t thought I was, but I am. She’s supposed to be on my side, not his. She’s supposed to protect me from him, not him from me.