“Hate you?” His fingers grasped her chin, urging Raven to gaze into his shocked black eyes. “Why would I hate you?”
“We... We... We can’t see each other anymore.”
Chapter Twenty-four: She Keeps on Cryin’
Jude’s lungs seemed to squeeze shut for a moment. What Raven said made no sense. She kept edging around the real problem by talking gibberish. And he wasn’t letting her go until she told him the truth.
“What do you mean? Talk to me. We’re not leaving until you talk to me.” Although her pain sliced at his heart, he wasn’t about to let his emotions rule him. They had to get to the bottom of what was making her upset enough to try to end things between them, when it was apparent with the number of tears running down her face, she loved him and wanted to be with him.
“You—you don’t understand.” Sniffles and sobs soaked her words.
“Why don’t you think I’ll understand?”
“Because... your family isn’t mine. I... I have nothing.”
“You have me.” The frustration left his voice and dropped to a delicate echo. He slid his hand along her silky hair.
“But... but for how long?” Through her tears, she searched his face. “You have kids to think about. You’ll be moving back when they start high school. You’ll—”
“Whoa. Hold up. Time out.” He laid the palm of his left hand over the tips of his fingers on his right hand.
Raven hugged herself.
“You’re getting way ahead of yourself. Doesn’t your program teach you one day at a time?”
She nodded through a sniffle. With mascara running down her cheeks, makeup washed away from her tears, lipstick smeared, she was a little girl in need of a friend. So much younger-looking than her thirty-one years.
“Then let’s take it one day at a time. Okay?” His thumb lightly brushed at her tears. “It sounds like you’ve been keeping a lot inside. C’mon, where’s the girl who’d tell me anything?”
“I... I don’t know where she went.” Raven shivered.
“You cold?”
Her head bobbed in agreement.
“C’mon, let’s sit in the truck. We can talk some more in there. I have some tea.”
“I... I need to vape.”
“You can vape in the truck. We’ll keep the window down a crack. It’s only vapor.”
“Okay.”
With his palm against Raven’s back, she shuffled to the truck. Her mukluks left a line resembling ski trails in the snow. He opened the back door, and they got in.
He fixed their teas and handed Raven hers. With a trembling hand, she took the cup.
He put his arm around her shoulder and held out a tissue he’d retrieved from the front console where he kept them on hand for the kids. “How you feeling?”
She took the tissue and wiped her eyes. “A bit better.”
“Y’know, it’ll feel better if you tell me what’s going on. I won’t say anything. I won’t offer advice.”
“That’s the problem.” Her voice was huskier than usual from her crying. Gritty. Sandpaper. “I can’t tell you.”
“I see...” Something was up with the Kabatays, and it no doubt concerned the election. Clayton had probably trapped Raven in the crossfire.
“This has to do with Darryl, doesn’t it?”
Raven’s head dipped.
“You read my text by accident. Did Clayton find out somehow?”
She wrung her hands. “Please... please don’t ask me questions I can’t answer.”
Great. Clayton was pulling out the tricks from his trickster bag, just like a true coyote. That was what Darryl would say, who’d taught Jude about the Ojibway trickster.
“Can you answer this?”
She nodded.
“Are we still together?”
Raven nestled against him. “I... I wanna be with you, but I don’t know how it’ll work. Your ex-wife kept secrets from you, and now I am. I don’t want to, but I have no choice.”
“But you’re being honest. There’s something you can’t tell me because you promised your brother you’d keep it to yourself. Right?”
“Yes.” She dabbed at her eyes again.
“Then it’s enough for me. You want to tell me. And you can’t. Right?”
“Yes.”
He pecked her temple. “I’m fine with it. I’m not going to ask you to break the confidence your brother has in you.”
“But... but...”
“This isn’t the first time my family’s dealt with his... stratagems.”
“Stratagems?”
“It’s a nice way of saying your brother’s plan to outwit the terrible Matawapit family.”
Raven half giggled.
“Hey, I got you laughing. Was that a giggle?” He couldn’t help the coyness in his tone, because coyness galloped up his spine.
She laid her hand across his stomach. “Just hold me.”
He would. And this had better not be the last time he’d get to hold Raven.
Jude was about to leave the church after going through the motions of Mass again when Dad called out to him, “Do you have a minute?”
He swiveled. Dad still had to retire his dalmatic, surplice, and alb. “Sure.”
“Come.” Dad beckoned. He ascended the three stairs leading to the sacristy.
“Catch a ride with your uncle. I’ll bring Grandpa to the house,” Jude told his kids. His stomach rumbled for Mom’s home-cooked brunch.
“Okay.” Rebekah and Noah scampered from the church.
Jude passed through the two other doorways as he walked the half-circle of the sacristy. He stopped at the sink and wardrobe area where Dad liked to disrobe.
Dad had already removed his dalmatic and was untying his cincture.
“What’s up?” Jude retrieved the dalmatic laying over the old chair. He hung the long, wide-sleeved tunic in the wardrobe. His chest constricted slightly. At one time he’d almost worn this garment.
“I thought you could tell me. As of late, you’re very preoccupied.” Dad handed Jude the alb, surplice, and stole.
“Lots going on at work... and this campaign.” Which left Jude racking his brain about Clayton’s latest plan.
“I do have an ear. Maybe we could retire downstairs and sit. We’ll have coffee before we go to the house.” Hope filled Dad’s eyes.
A regretful knot seemed to tighten around Jude’s rib cage. He’d always confided in Dad. This damned divorce was to blame. “Sure. Coffee sounds good.”
He slipped his arm around his father’s shoulder and steered them from the sacristy. “I’ve been so busy, too busy. I can’t believe it’s already March and the break is around the corner.”
“The kids are going to Kenora?”
“Yeah. I already have it set up.” Jude followed Dad down the main aisle of the church. “Booked their flights. Texted Charlene about it.”
“They’ll be much missed at Easter.”
They sure would be. In the past, he and Charlene had always flown to the reserve to participate in Holy Week at Mom and Dad’s. During their separation last year, the kids had accompanied him to the reserve. He’d have to save their Easter treats for Easter Monday.
Dad patted Jude’s back. “A lot of adjustments, hmm?”
“Too many adjustments.” Jude headed down the stairs the older people used since it had the lift chair. He glanced to the seating area where he’d talked to Raven on their first unofficial date.
“You sit. I’ll make the coffee.”
Jude plopped in the chair Raven had previously occupied. He fiddled with some of the prayer books left on the round table, books he’d ignored as of late. Maybe the Lord was attempting to show him that without the Big Guy, Jude could do nothing, since life kept growing more difficult.
Five minutes later, Dad returned, carrying the coffees. He sat in the chair Jude had used with Raven. “How’s school going?”
“We text every day about the school, Dad.” Jude set his elbow on the armrest and crossed his legs while holding the mug of freshly brewed Coffee Coffee he still donated to the church.
Maybe this chat was meant to happen. He continued to support the church, even financially.
“Yes, we do.” Dad cleared his throat, which meant he had something of grave concern to address.
Jude sipped his coffee and waited. Unlike Emery and Bridget who complained about Dad’s interference, Jude didn’t mind and always considered his father’s words. Maybe because Dad never did this supposed talk-down Emery and Bridget insisted Dad was famous for.
“How are you doing?” Dad asked again.
Jude rubbed his brow. “Better than I thought I’d be. Honestly.”
“And how are you and the Lord?”
Jude glanced to the lift chair. “I decided to try to repair the shambles I made of Our relationship.”
“You have?”
“You knew?” So much for fooling everyone.
“It’s easy to see in one’s eyes when there’s distance.” Dad wet his lips. “Remember, the Lord gave us free will. The divorce wasn’t Him punishing you or testing you. Charlene made her choice.”
“I’m learning.” Jude crossed and un-crossed his legs. “I have a great teacher.”
“Learning?”
“Yeah, learning. She’s... very understanding.” The words left his mouth of their own accord.
Dad peered. “I thought as much.”
“That I’m seeing someone?”
“Yes.”
“I know it goes against Catechism, but at the time... I wasn’t much for practicing Catholicism. I’m still not quite practicing what I was baptized to do.”
“I never wanted to see you go through a divorce, but they do happen.”
“Neither did I.” The relaxing brew of Coffee Coffee warmed Jude’s chest. He gazed at Dad’s sympathy-filled reflection. “But now that it’s happened, I can’t say I’m unhappy about it. The kids... no, I didn’t want them to experience it. They’re better off, though, being in a home where two people... love each other.”
“It’s gotten serious... already?”
“Uh... yeah... I guess so. She hasn’t met the kids. We’ve been keeping it very quiet.”
“May I ask when this started?”
Emery and Bridget were right. Dad never demanded answers from Jude. Thankfully, he’d always given Jude a wide berth. “First week here.”
“Ah... I see. Is she Catholic?”
Jude swallowed. “No. She’s... traditional.”
“She’s from here?” Dad squinted. “Your trip into the city wasn’t to see someone?”
“It was to be alone with her. She’s only been at the house once, and that was an emergency. Like I said, we’ve been keeping it quiet.”
“I’m assuming Bridget knows. You can’t go to the city without your sister demanding you visit her.” At least Dad’s eyes twinkled.
“Oh yeah. Bridget knows. She texted me as soon as my plane touched down. At first, she disapproved, but she came around.”
Dad’s jaw slackened. “Disapproved? May I ask who she is?”
Oh boy, here went nothing. “We’re keeping it quiet because... because we’re both campaign managers.”
“Campaign—campaign... you mean...” Dad sputtered. “Raven Kabatay?”
“Yes. Raven.”
Sitting forward, Dad set his hand over his chest, blinking. He shook his head, as if trying to clear his mind. “At times... at times I wonder if my children—”
“Don’t go on a guilt trip. Please.” Jude set aside the coffee and scooted forward. Their knees almost touched. “Many people who worshiped God faced tough trials. And they grew from them.”
“Yes, uh, yes.” Dad cleared his throat. “And you’ve grown?” Moisture seemed to gather in his eyes, but not tears, something else Jude couldn’t put his finger on.
“Maybe she’s showing me how a man should behave. I made a lot of mistakes in my marriage. A lot. I tried...” Jude searched his mind for answers, something he’d never wanted to admit. “Maybe I tried too hard to be like you. Maybe I went into the marriage thinking I had to have one like yours.”
He stood. He grasped the coffee cup. There was a lovely painting of Mary the Blessed Virgin on the wall. A beautiful blue background and Mary draped in sky blue and white robes with a crown of stars above her head. Her hands out, index fingers pointed. Compassion in her eyes. As a child, he’d been taught to pray for her intercession.
“Maybe part of me wanted to be you.”
The slightest gasp, maybe a puff, came from Dad.
“Charlene’s right to seek the annulment. Perhaps I married her for the wrong reasons. Maybe I didn’t love Char for Char. Maybe I wanted her to share in this dream I had.” Jude stuffed his hand in his pocket, fisting his fingers. “This dream of being like you and Mom.
“I contemplated the diaconate for the wrong reasons. I believed I was supposed to carry on your work after you left this earth. I assumed I was supposed to do so as a deacon. But during the orientation session... it wasn’t for me. I can’t embrace the teachings like you can. It was all for the best. Lookit the scandal I would’ve caused the diocese. Divorced deacon.”
“Maybe I can’t embrace all the teachings, either.” Dad’s words were quiet, even contemplative.
Jude whipped on his heel to Dad still holding his hand over his chest. “Wh-what?”
“Would I have wanted you to stay with a wife who isn’t fully committed to her vows?” Dad’s body seemed to cave into the chair. “No. I want a woman who loves my eldest son for who he is. Faults and all. Nobody’s perfect.”
“There were changes I had to make, too. And I didn’t.” Jude leaned against the wall, his head inches from the painting of Mary. He tightened his grip on the cup.
“I admire your objectivity in considering your contribution, but don’t take any more than fifty percent. Remember, Charlene must reflect on her share, too. There were children involved, and she didn’t consider Noah or Becky.” Dad’s hand remained on his chest, which was a bit strange. Or maybe the shock hadn’t worn off yet.
“Maybe Char is. I haven’t asked. I only keep her informed, nothing more.”
“About the kids?”
“Yeah.” Jude sidled from the wall and sat.
“About Raven...” Dad cleared his throat again.
“I know already what you’re gonna say. Don’t think we talked about it. And she has nothing but respect for my religion. She was concerned my brain’s taken a leave of absence.”
“She was?” For the second time, Dad sputtered.
“Yep. Surprised me, too.” Jude sipped his coffee. “She was concerned enough to almost call it quits last night. Don’t think she doesn’t worry about how this’ll affect everyone.”
“I guess this is a side of her I never got to meet. The most I know of her was from her youth. As for now, she wasn’t keen on me when I taught the adult education classes after the principal up and resigned.” Dad continued to stare off somewhere.
“We’re trying to say away from political discussions.”
“Sooner or later you two will have to have that discussion. Especially if you wish to continue your, uh, relationship.”
“Yeah... that.” They did have to sit down and address the ten purple elephants in the room. “I’d rather wait until after the election.”
“You might not have a choice. We know what Clayton’s like. I agree, he has strong leadership abilities. When it comes to his own, he’ll fight to the death. I admire his valor in that respect, but he also has issues of his own to address.”
“They’re close. Very close.” Jude squeezed the paper cup. “I guess I’m worried.” Worried she’ll choose me over him.
* * * *
Raven finished drying the last of the dishes.
Clayton yanked out a chair and sat bes
ide Tanya, who went through her wallet, conducting her counting ritual of money she’d use for purchasing bingo cards and pull-tabs. Lucky Tyrell was again cooking at the diner for his evening shift. Maybe Raven should reschedule her days off and start working on Sunday.
She set the last dried bowl in the cupboard.
“You listen to your brother from now on. You’re his campaign manager. Help him. Don’t dissuade him.” Mom shut her bedroom door, having finished dressing for bingo. Her hair was tied off her angular face.
Raven gripped the tea towel. “What are you talking about?”
“Clayton said you tried to talk him out of having the debate.” Mom headed for the entryway at the back door.
“I... I...” Raven whipped about and glared at her brother who stared right back. “You told her?”
“I told her I wanted to hold the debate and you weren’t on board.” Clayton shrugged.
“What kind of campaign manager are you?” Mom’s voice carried from the entryway. She reappeared, parka over the crook of her arm.
The house, small as it was, seemed to shrink around Raven. She barreled to her bedroom and snatched her purse and cell phone. When she reentered the living room, Clayton, Tanya, and Mom stared at her.
Raven huffed past them.
“Where are you going?” Mom called out.
Why had Clayton involved Mom? At least she didn’t know the whole truth or the reason why he wanted the debate. Raven threw on her parka and stormed outside.
She’d never win. Ever. And to think she’d almost called it off with Jude on Thursday night. Why? The family wasn’t worth losing the first bit of happiness she’d found after finally sobering up.
She withdrew the cell phone from her jacket pocket and texted Jude.
Chapter Twenty-five: Are You with Me?
While reviewing his paperwork, Jude sat at the dining room table. His cell phone dinged. He grabbed his tea and phone at the same time, checking the message.
It’s me. I’m ready to tell you the truth.
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