Out of Focus

by Nancy Naigle

  She nodded, although not too convincingly.

  He gave her the don’t-lie-to-me look. “Call me. Let me know if you change your mind about the other thing we talked about.”

  “You know how that freaks me out. I don’t see that happening.” She put her hand on his shoulder. “But, thanks.”

  Jeremy helped Grandma Emily into the car. She wouldn’t hear of a van or special access vehicle; she’d just stay in the house forever before she’d allow someone to tote her around like that. Kasey got into the back seat and readied herself for what was to come.

  The day turned out to be pleasant, even refreshing. Separated by spinning beauty shop chairs and the hum of blow dryers, there was no room for a lot of dialogue with her grandmother. Kasey was thankful for that. However, on the ride home, there was no safe barrier.

  “You look like your old self now.” Grem looked proud of herself.

  “It was a nice day.”

  “Yes. So...are you ready to move back home yet?”

  “No.”

  The old woman raised her hands. A shadow of anger swept her face as she turned and looked out the window.

  “What? Why would I move back? I have a home.”

  Grem spun her sprayed fray of blued locks around to face Kasey. “Yes, you have a home, and it is with me. Now just come back to where you belong and live like the lady you were raised to be. I want what’s best. You’ve wasted too much time already.”

  Kasey choked back a gasp. “Wasted? I cannot believe you.”

  “We all make mistakes, dear.” Her grandmother clucked her tongue, then turned in her seat in a huff.

  “Jeremy, pull over.” Kasey slapped the back of his seat.

  “What are you doing?” Grem’s lips pinched into a tight line.

  Jeremy caught Kasey’s gaze in the rear view mirror.

  “Pull over right now or I’m jumping out,” Kasey said louder, her voice tight.

  Her grandmother’s eyes widened. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  Kasey fumbled with the door handle. Jeremy swerved the car off to the side of the road.

  “What is your problem?” the old woman shouted.

  “My problem?” Kasey shook her head. Her hands trembled. “My problem? Is…is…that you are heartless.”

  “Dear—”

  “Don’t dear me. I can’t believe you. I know you didn’t care for Nick. That’s fine. You have that right. But he was my husband who, whether you like it or not, I loved with all my heart. I’m empty without him. Empty. And my son. My son, damn it. Do you not have a heart at all you old...errrrrrrrrr.” She pulled on the door handle again—this time it opened, and she jumped out of the car.

  “It’s not like he was planned,” Grem muttered, half under her breath as Kasey slammed the door.

  Kasey spun on her heel, fire in her eyes. “I heard that. I heard you. That was awful. What is making you act this way?” Kasey felt the tingle of red splotches rising on her chest.

  Her grandmother rolled down the window. “Get back in this car. Have you gone crazy?”

  “No.”

  “You’re going to get yourself killed. You can’t just walk along the interstate.”

  “Who would care?” Kasey balled her hands into fists, pumping them as she marched down the road. “Leave me alone.”

  “You aren’t thinking clearly.”

  Kasey stepped over to the car and leaned into the window, way in, right into her grandmother’s face. “I loved my husband. Having Jake was the best thing I ever did in my life. I don’t want to hear your voice. I can’t even think about you right now.”

  Calmness fell over her grandmother’s features. “I loved Jake, too, honey. This outburst won’t bring him back.”

  “He will be back.” Kasey slapped the side of the car. “And you don’t know anything about love.” She stepped back and screamed to Jeremy, “Drive her home. I swear, get her out of here.” She clenched her teeth so tightly that they ached.

  “You don’t have to live that way anymore.”

  “Why can’t you get it through your thick skull? Nick and I wanted to share those dreams with our son, and I plan to do that.” She threw her hands in the air, turned and started walking.

  “Kasey!” Grem’s voice rose to a screeching level.

  Jeremy idled the Benz up to Kasey. “Are you going to be okay?” he shouted across the car.

  “Fine. Just go!”

  He eased back on to the road.

  Kasey kicked the back of the car as Jeremy drove away.

  She choked back tears as she walked along the shoulder of the interstate to the nearest exit where she called a cab to take her home. Home, to the farm in Pungo.

  Thank goodness, she didn’t have to wait long before the cab arrived. Kasey leaned back against the seat and closed her eyes, thankful for the silence on the long ride back. When they arrived, she paid the driver, got out, and went as far as the front porch.

  All her good intentions to have a good day had backfired, but somehow she felt stronger for having tried. She loved Nick and she adored Jake. She missed them, ached for them. No one could ever take the good memories from her.

  She forced herself to go into the house. There were ten messages on the answering machine. She pushed the button. People checking on her and leaving their condolences. Had it ever occurred to them that if they’d just quit reminding her how fragile she was, maybe she wouldn’t be?

  When would it stop?

  Two messages from Riley, and one from Von, too. One from Jeremy, bless his heart.

  His voice was kind and filled with remorse, not that her grandmother’s actions were his fault. “Kasey, its Jer. Sorry about this afternoon. The old lady had it coming, though. She was way out of line. I just had your car loaded on a flatbed tow truck, and it’s on its way to your house. I am so sorry about today. She loves you in her own way. Oh. Yeah. I pre-paid the wrecker driver. I used Miss Em’s salon account. I figured she owed you, even if she’d never admit it. Call me if you need me. For anything. Bye.”

  The guy was a saint.

  Quiet settled in the house. Dutch strolled out of the living room where he’d probably been napping in Nick’s chair. He’d never done that when Nick was alive, but lately Dutch had taken it over as if he was next in line—man of the house.

  Casey shifted her gaze to the kitchen table where Nick’s cell phone lay, attracting her like a magnet. She picked it up and rolled it between her hands. She remembered how she’d cried when she opened the packet from the police, glanced at the phone, and seen there were twenty-three missed calls.

  All from her. All made on that tragic afternoon.

  The first voice mail had been the hardest for Kasey to listen to. Her voice begged Nick to respond, followed by the muffled sound of the phone being pried from her hand as she realized the officer wasn’t mistaken about the news he had given her, and then her crying.

  She still called Nick’s number sometimes, just to hear his voice.

  Chapter Eight

  The next morning, Riley sat at her desk staring out the window. Kasey had promised she’d meet Riley for lunch, but she hadn’t shown yet. Riley picked up the phone and tried to call her again. Still no answer.

  Riley shifted the phone under her chin and dialed Von’s cell phone. She tapped her pen on the desk, waiting until he answered.

  “Hey, it’s me.” She closed the folder that lay in front of her on her desk. “Busy?”

  “Never too busy for you. What’s up?”

  “Are you at the house?” She crossed her fingers, hoping that he was.

  “Sure am.”

  “Oh, good. I’ve been calling Kasey, and she isn’t answering. I wasn’t too worried this morning, but she was supposed to stop by the office this afternoon. She hasn’t shown up.”

  “Want me to run over and check on her?”

  She hated to ask, but… “Would you mind?”

  “You know I don’t mind.”

  His voice always
settled her down, no matter how riled she got.

  “Odds are she’s in bed. Anything to avoid facing the pain.” The past echoed in Von’s words. “Don’t worry. I’ll head over there now.”

  “Thanks, sweetie. I just have a weird feeling about today.”

  “No cardinals or ladybugs?” he teased.

  “Not one lucky sign all morning. That’s when I started to worry.”

  He often teased her about her strong beliefs in lucky signs. But her superstitions had played in his favor when they’d been dating, so who was he to complain? Her quirky ideas were part of what made him love her so much.

  “Don’t worry,” he said. “I’m on it.”

  Von closed the phone and headed to his SUV. The keys dangled from the ignition. One of the nice things about living all the way out in Pungo was the low crime rate. No reason to lock up.

  He drove along the winding road toward Kasey’s place...and Nick’s. He’d always remember it as their place, together, even though Nick was gone. As he neared the house, he saw Kasey’s old Porsche in the driveway. He pulled in and parked behind her car. Out of habit, he skimmed his hand over the hood as he walked past. The metal was cool. She’d probably been here all morning.

  Von rapped on the back screen door, and waited for her to answer.

  He was no stranger to this house. Over the years, when he and Nick were growing up, Nicks’ granddaddy had lived here. Nick and Von had spent many weeks on this farm, in this very house. He opened the screen door and rapped on the wooden door.

  No sound came from inside.

  He twisted the handle, opened the door and stepped inside. “Kasey, it’s me, Von. Are you around?”

  No answer.

  He walked through the house, pausing at the sight of Nick’s cowboy hat atop the rack of the sixteen-point trophy buck hanging on the wall. Nick’s first buck. That thing had been around for years. He and Nick had hung it on the wall in their first rental back in college. They’d decorated it with a hat and black sunglasses and called him Buck Blue, the third Blues Brother. They’d sung Soul Man into beer bottles under that deer head many a night.

  Von followed a beeping sound to the answering machine. The LED indicator flashed eighteen new messages. Knowing Riley, the last ten were from her. He slid the switch on the side and silenced the incessant beeping.

  He checked every room downstairs, then went upstairs. The wood creaked under his weight. He gripped the heavy oak banister as he climbed the steep stairs and found the bedroom door halfway open.

  “Kasey?” He pushed open the door. Balled up tissues littered the floor and comforter. He noticed a couple of V8 juice cans in the trash. Not even a V8 could straighten you out after the kind of loss she had suffered. He’d been there. He wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone. Apparently this was where she’d spent the bulk of her time, but she wasn’t here.

  Her car was outside. She had to be somewhere close by.

  Maybe she’s driving Nick’s T-Bird.

  Memories of how much Nick had loved that car clouded his thoughts as he left the house and walked across the pasture to the barn. Nick and Kasey used to cruise around, and she’d mouth those famous words, I love you, like Suzanne Somers in the movie American Graffiti.

  Von unlatched the pole gate that led to the big red barn. The antique T-Bird was parked in a garage next to it, untouched.

  He walked over to the barn door and slid it wide. Light flooded the vast space. Dust danced in the sunrays and thick cobwebs shimmered in the sunlight.

  A rhythmic thump echoed through the large building.

  “Hello?” No one answered, but the thumping picked up pace.

  Inside he caught a glimpse of Dutch sprawled beneath the ladder that led to the loft. He whimpered as Von got closer, but didn’t get up.

  “Are you okay, buddy?” He patted his leg. Dutch stood, but wouldn’t leave the ladder. “What’s the matter boy?”

  He lifted his nose in the air and let out a long low howl like a beagle howl.

  “What are you doing out here?” The dog pushed his nose under Von’s hand. “Where’s Kasey?”

  Dutch shook his head, his heavy ears flopping, and yawned.

  Von stooped next to the dog and scanned the barn. “Know where Kasey is?” Dutch was over ten years old now, his muzzle gray. He didn’t get around as quickly as he once had, but he was smarter than some men Von knew. Dutch seemed to point his nose up the ladder to the loft.

  “Kasey.” Von climbed the ladder to the loft. It was dark with the exception of a few slivers of light peeking through loose boards. Square bales filled the space. Alfalfa. He recognized the smell.

  He swished his hand overhead, grabbed for the string to the bulb that he knew was there and tugged. In the dull yellow glow, he noticed a dark lump on top of a stack of hay bales.

  He raced to the end of the barn.

  As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he thought his heart might break.

  There was Kasey, lying across the hay bales, dressed in Nick’s coveralls, which seemed to swallow her.

  Her dirty bare feet hung from the pant legs. She had tissues wadded in one hand and Nick’s old farm hat held to her chest with the other. In the crook of her arm, she held Jake’s stuffed horse. Nick’s first gift to his son, bought on the day the child was born and named after him. Their first day as a family. Jake had dragged that horse around until the time he could walk, then he’d gotten Bubba Bear and that ratty horse was put out to pasture in the toy box.

  Von climbed the sturdy stacked squares.

  “Kasey.”

  She didn’t stir.

  “Hey, kiddo, are you okay?” He wondered how long she’d been up here.

  Fear sparked through him. In the extra-large coveralls, he couldn’t see if she was breathing. He reached out and rested his hand on her side.

  “Kasey, can you hear me?” He nudged her shoulder.

  She took in a breath. Thank goodness. Relieved, he scooted closer.

  “It’s me, Von.”

  Her eyelids fluttered.

  He leaned in closer and lowered his voice. “Hey. Talk to me.”

  She opened her eyes and let out a soft sigh.

  He stretched out next to her so they were eye to eye, resting his head on his bent forearm. “You okay?”

  “What do you think?” She spoke in a broken whisper.

  “I think you’re hurting.”

  She nodded. “You must think I’m cracking up, wearing his clothes.” She lifted her coverall-cloaked arm. Her hand didn’t even peek out the end of the sleeve.

  Von pushed her bangs away from her damp cheeks. He shook his head. “No. I wouldn’t judge. I’ve been right where you are. We all mourn and heal in our own ways.”

  “I’ll never heal.”

  He stroked her back. “I know it feels that way.”

  She sniffed and shifted her arm up under her head, wiping her tears on the big sleeve of the coveralls.

  “I’m not going to tell you that things will be all right. That was the last thing I wanted to hear when I lost Deidre.”

  Kasey nodded.

  “You just have to take things a day at a time. The truth is, you’ll never be the same. But that’s okay, too.”

  Kasey looked away. “There was another shooting on Route 58 last night. Did you know?”

  “I heard. I’m checking it out,” he said.

  “It’s like the third or fourth time. Sprays of bullets, no injuries,” Kasey said. “What are the odds that, with all those incidents, Nick would be the one to get killed?”

  He didn’t tell her that Nick’s shooting didn’t fit the random pattern, or type of gun. A shotgun was used in the other shootings. The casings found by Nick’s truck near the accident site were from a small caliber bullet. The police had confirmed that earlier, but that information wasn’t something Kasey needed to hear right now.

  Von shook his head. “I don’t know. Sometimes there aren’t any good answers.”

 
“It’s not fair.”

  “I know.”

  “Nick was a good man. He didn’t deserve to die. I can’t live without him.” Kasey sniffled. She buried her face in her hands, then lifted her eyes to meet Von’s. “I need him. He’d help me find Jake. Everybody thinks I’m crazy to believe Jake’s still out there. He has to be. I can’t live this way.”

  “You can.”

  “I don’t want to.”

  “Come here, kiddo.” He hugged her close.

  She came undone in his arms, sobbing. It broke his heart to see her so sad, to know that Nick wouldn’t be back. Nothing he could say could change that. He held her and after a long moment, she quieted a little. “You better?”

  She nodded against his shoulder.

  “I need to call Riley and let her know you’re alive. She was worried about you.”

  “Sorry.”

  “We understand. Can you call her?” Kasey look whipped. She was dirty and sweaty. Von tipped her nose with his knuckle. “It would mean more if the call came from you.”

  Kasey looked down. “I’ll call her.”

  “Thanks.”

  Von descended the ladder first, then spotted Kasey as she climbed down in the oversized coveralls. They walked out of the barn, the extra long pants swishing with each step she took. Dutch followed behind them.

  Kasey wrapped her arms around Von’s arm and rested her head against it as they walked.

  Chapter Nine

  Kasey had other issues to worry about in addition to finding Jake. Gracious volunteers had been running the farm, but they were only scheduled to help for two more weeks. Kasey wasn’t prepared to take care of the Rocking R by herself. It was time to find a farm manager, but she had no idea where to start. Pushing that thought aside, she decided to tackle something she knew how to manage.

  She walked outside to the RV to get her camera bag. When she pulled her camera out, Cody Tuggle’s card fluttered to the ground. She picked it up, her heart clenching when she thought of how kind he had been to come to Nick’s funeral and offer his condolences.

  She rubbed the raised letters on the card, thinking about the offer to photograph his tour. Maybe joining the tour would be a good escape while the authorities continued their work looking for Jake. She’d heard that the pace on a music tour was so fast that she’d hardly be able to remember what town she was waking up in each day.