Among the Flames

by Lya Lively

  I held a straight face, feeling the tears and memories of Punchy welling up inside of me and ignoring them both. I held the bag lightly; my limbs were weak from the overwhelming feeling of helplessness. “OK,” I said quietly. The lump in my throat continued growing, so in a choked whisper I finished it with, “I’m gone.”

  TWENTY

  Noah

  It was almost odd seeing the two of them getting along again; I thought as I watched Kara sitting on the armrest of Cam’s chair. ‘We’ were all, as a ‘group,’ talking about wanting to go bowling later this afternoon with Kara and her ‘friend’ Sarah. The whole thing was very confusing to follow, but a part of me wanted to go bowling.

  There was a knock at the door that broke them away from their ‘just friendly’ talk. “I’ll get it,” Kara mumbled irritably as she got up to get the door.

  I sat up slightly, waiting impatiently for Hayden to get home. They said she left some time last night and she still hasn’t gotten back.

  I felt the hairs on my arms pricked up, there are clearly two female voices, I thought hopefully, adjusting my shirt.

  Just then Kara threw up a few of the fingers that were holding the door in place, showing her frustration. “Who is it?” I wanted to ask, but the words came from Cameron first.

  “Nobody,” she said turning around, obviously lying. I stared curiously at the door behind her, standing up to defend her if it came to that, but really I just wanted to see if it was Hayden.

  “Here, let me get it,” I mumbled kindly, brushing her back in Cameron’s, who was now sitting perked up as well, direction. It was, in no way, Hayden. “What do you want, Chloe?” I asked carefully, becoming entirely disinterested.

  Her face was panicked, blonde hair a mess. But it wasn’t anything I wasn’t already accustomed to seeing. Her life is, as she describes it, “one big dilemma.”

  “It’s Hayden,” she said sadly, her face remaining pale and untouched by makeup; that part was foreign.

  I wanted to yell at her that Hayden was none of her business, but at the same time, I felt something twist in my stomach, possibly concern or interest. “What about her?” I asked plainly, avoiding saying her name out loud as if it might make her appear, and I wasn’t yet ready to face her.

  “Well, last night I was walking home,” she whined weakly.

  “Why were you walking home so late,” Kara interrupted from beside Cam. She winked playfully, “Had a hot date, did you?” She laughed to herself, watching Chloe get uncomfortable and angry.

  “Hey,” I said with slight defense, cocking my head lessen Kara’s dirty looks implying her being a victim of betrayal. I wasn’t standing up for her because she is my girlfriend, but because Hayden hasn’t come home yet.

  “Anyway,” she said ignoring Kara’s suggestive remarks. “I saw her, and I asked what she was up to walking around so late.”

  “What did she say?” Kara asked, becoming slightly concerned under the assumption that Chloe wasn’t just making it up for attention.

  “Well that’s just it, she pushed me!” Chloe claimed, eyes widening. “And-and so I followed her, and-,” She started shaking her head. “She was selling drugs.” She cocked her shoulders confidently; eyebrows arched as if she was expecting more of a reaction.

  “Yeah, I don’t believe you,” Kara said plainly, instantly she became bored again.

  “Yeah,” I shook my head in agreement. “That just doesn’t sound very much like Hayden, Chloe. Maybe you had the wrong person...”

  “Are you calling me a liar?” Chloe snapped. “I mean, Jesus! Noah, are you blind?? How long have you known her?”

  I cleared my throat, looking at the shocked faces of Kara and Cameron, both studying me for my next response. “Long enough,” I mumbled.

  Kara shook her head, but Cameron spoke, “Yeah, she wouldn’t do that.”

  Even on her side, you could hear and see the doubt. We didn’t know her, just slightly of her. It’s only really been a couple of months, but was that long enough to know someone really?

  I could’ve sworn I saw Chloe smirk, but maybe that was just what I wanted to see. Maybe I was so caught up in the idea of Hayden that I forgot where my place was. “Alright, well you guys can figure out what you want to believe on your own, but I would do it soon unless you’re comfortable being this close to a druggie.” She said making her way back out the door.

  “Anyway,” she finished, “Later, Babe!” and she winked, closing the door behind her.

  “Babe?” Cameron asked sickly.

  “I don’t trust her one bit,” Kara said referring to Chloe. “Are you really buying any of that, Noah?”

  To be perfectly honest, I didn’t believe her. Not even in the slightest. Instead, I just kept thinking about the night Hayden, and I kissed, the stars reflecting in her eyes. Even then I couldn’t decide; I wasn’t sure if kissing her was Heaven or Hell, but it damn sure felt like both.

  New poem

  Hayden

  I didn’t get back to the apartment until it was already after dark. I could feel the emptiness settling in the pit of my stomach, probably should’ve eaten something today. I quietly unlocked the front door. But I wasn’t hungry; I thought weakly.

  I tried to move to my room silently; I knew it was already late and I was nervous to accidentally wake up Noah and have to deal with what he must think of me. The fear of what Chloe might have said was enough to fill my gurgling stomach. But the fear of how he must have taken it, how he might have reacted as if he had shared such an innocent moment of sadness with someone who he now knew to be someone so hideous and wrong... I could only imagine.

  I packed my final things into my suitcase while my broken guitar stared at me from its place leaned up against the wall. Leaving was the right thing; I convinced myself. It’ll be better for everyone after this. The more I thought it, the more it seemed true.

  I clicked the clamps into place and lifted it from my bed only to sit down it on the floor. I stared down longingly at the warped leather casket that contained every piece of me I didn’t want to believe I still was. It’ll be easier once I get back on the road; the thoughts came across so purely I almost didn’t want to believe that they were mine. Maybe they were Chloe’s.

  I stood up slowly in front of the bed that would no longer be mine; a bed that would, upon my absence, become someone else’s. I reached down carefully and picked up my money from underneath the corner of the bedspring; somehow my eyes caught a glance of the guitar once again.

  This time I felt the impact on my chest as it slammed against my weak body, throwing me back onto the bed in a silent, savage sob. Once I started I wasn’t capable of stopping on my own; I would just have to wait until I ran out of more tears to produce. Once I was out I continued a short while longer silently heaving, body convulsing painfully.

  I think it was after I stood up blindly; finally numb to the fact that I was leaving and would never see this place or Noah again, I was able to wordlessly admit I was suffering.

  I reached back for my suitcase off of the floor, adjusted my fedora, but was stopped without warning by my bedroom door slamming open.

  “Hey, you’re awake!” I cried out in surprise, my voice groggy. I watched as Noah’s strong figure stood motionlessly in the doorway, contrasting with my own delicate, emotionally feeble self.

  “Yeah,” he mumbled through his clenched jaw.

  I tried to avoid looking at him directly; his appearance was menacing and disapproving. “Um,” I said searching for words. “Why’re you still up?”

  “I heard you packing,” he said without missing a beat.

  “You weren’t sleeping?”

  “Wasn’t tired.”

  The short answers made my body feel lighter and slightly more nauseous. “Why are you here, Noah?” I asked, finally giving into my chaotic emotional instability.

  He shrugged casually, “I figured I’d see you before you go.”

  A spark set itself in my desolate, small ch
est, sending a shock through the emptiness as it coursed through my veins. “She told you,” I choked out in a whisper.

  “Didn’t have to; I’ve been abandoned enough times to know when someone’s about to take off.” He said it so plainly that if it weren’t for the stiffness in his shoulders, and the tightness of his jaw you could have assumed he was speaking of something that had little significance to him. Then he took an unexpected step forward, my heart did a little jump causing my breath to catch in my throat, and squinted his eyes at me. “What was it, though? Was it me?” His voice sounded truly curious, but he eyes spoke of only a sincere misery that was all too familiar.

  A lump formed in my throat, choking me off from speaking anything more than a whisper. “Of course not.”

  He shook his head in disbelief, slowly stepping nearer. It’s as if every step he takes carries a vacuum around him suffocating me, choking the death from my body. “Then what?” I just stared at him, his body close to mine.

  Some way or another, I found my voice through staring into his glassy gray eyes. I mentally traced the circles beneath them finding that they resembled imprints of the moon as if to remind him to sleep. “I shouldn’t be here; it was wrong of me to assume I could start a new life while still dying in another...”

  His hands were beneath my elbows now, as if he was the only thing holding me up and keeping me standing. “But I want you to stay,” he said in a plea, swallowing shallowly.

  I felt the corners of my mouth turn upward slightly while I stared at him, watching the thoughts race past his pupils as I listened to the frantic way he breathed. I didn’t want to forget it. “But I can’t,” I said still smiling painfully. My body had entirely lost its capability of deciphering emotions and presenting them, so through the light tears that felt like warm gasoline I smiled, while his eyes were the match that ignited the flames.

  Everything inside of me wanted to stay. And as close as he was, I remembered our first kiss, but this time I didn’t want to kiss him. I mean, I wasn’t opposed but I felt...differently. It was as if I didn’t need for us to be something, I didn’t need for him to touch me, I didn’t need to hear the way the words begging me to stay fell from his lips; I just needed to be near him, and that was enough. His presence was the flame that was enough to keep my body alive and from freezing alone in the Hell my mind has created. Just being near him was everything I needed to keep from falling apart completely and somehow that alone was enough.

  I felt it all happen in slow motion, but somehow it wasn’t slow enough.

  His hands crept past my elbows and behind my back, pulling me toward him in a needy embrace. Instinctively I held him there, my fingers digging into his back so that he wouldn’t let me go while my body shook uncontrollably. His hands slid up and down my back tenderly, “You can stay.”

  I shook my head into his shoulder but said nothing.

  “I can’t just let go,” he whispered.

  “I can’t.”

  TWENTY-ONE

  Noah

  “I’m not sure this is a good idea, Noah,” she said after she finally backed away quietly from my embrace. Her voice was somewhat muffled and soft.

  I wasn’t sure how to react, so I kept my thoughts to myself while my teeth scraped over my bottom lip. I wasn’t even sure why I just wanted her to stay.

  “I left a lot behind,” she sighed. Her eyes were glued to the ground as she refused even to pass the slightest glance in my direction. “And clearly, Chloe doesn’t want me here, and you two have a thing, so I just don’t think it’s my place...” He voice trailed off slightly; her face was still puffy from crying.

  “No,” I shook my head, my voice finally returning to me. “No, it doesn’t even matter. We want you here; I want you here.” Why was I so pathetic?

  I could see her smirk slightly while her fingers pinched and twisted the bottom hem of her t-shirt. Her expression was just on the verge of breaking while she shook her head sadly, lips still tugging at a smile. “I just can’t stay,” her voice cracked.

  With every step, she got closer I could feel myself craving her essence, and wanting desperately to draw her in, like a drug. Her beauty glowed with the effulgence of stars, but I feared my darkness was going to consume her.

  “Look,” I started, grabbing her tiny hands in my own, trying not to crush them, but I held them tightly so I wouldn’t have to let go. “I know what you’re running from; I get it. But you can’t just keep going-.”

  I could already feel her radiant smile dwindling beneath my grip, and with every second we spent together I felt more and more like a black hole, suffocating her until there was nothing left.

  “And what’s stopping me?” She snapped, her hollow eyes now staring blankly into mine. Her eyebrows rested calmly now; the corner of her mouth only twitched slightly before her entire face fell into a blank stare. The best way I could describe it was that she had finally done it, she had finally gone numb.

  I watched the light inside of her scream in terror as the world around her had finally collapsed.

  I honestly didn’t know what to say, I kind of just hoped the words would come out. Why couldn’t she run? Who was I to try and stop her? I thought of the different ways I could explain it, but nothing seemed like a good enough reason.

  I guess she assumed I had given up; she picked up her guitar case and put the broken reminisce of her guitar back inside before closing it gently, as if she was afraid she might damage it. She then slung it over her shoulder before picking up her suitcase, ready to walk out of my life and never turn back around.

  She stopped and stood in front of me, close enough to touch, close enough to wrap my arms around her and tell her she needed to stay because I needed her here. But she brought her delicate hand up to the side of my face, close enough to see the callusing on the tips of her fingers from pressing them against the strings of her guitar. Gracefully, she held my cheek in her hand and almost without effort pulled my face close to hers where she planted a light kiss on my forehead.

  She’s close enough; I thought as she pulled away, her blue eyes hazy. I could tell her I need her, she walked to the door, pushing her fedora down on her head as she turned around in the doorway. Stay, I wanted to scream it to her. “Goodbye, Noah.” She said quietly with a loose smile hanging from her lips; she lifted her hand halfway to wave before she was completely out of the bedroom.

  “Please stay,” I whispered, just low enough so that she couldn’t hear me.

  She was gorgeous like a star, full of wonder and light; but the closer she got the clearer you could see that it was all an illusion. From a distance she was a star, shining bright and strong, but up close it was evident that the star was inevitably dead.

  She was beautiful, but like all stars, she’s best admired from a distance.

  I had her, just close enough to touch, and I couldn’t do it.

  Hayden

  I took quick steps out of the apartment, a small part of me almost disappointed he didn’t fight for me to stay. At the same time, though, I understood just why he couldn’t. And frankly, I wasn’t feeling very worthy of the fight.

  Finally stepping into the hallway, I turned around slowly to shut the front door, taking even more time as I realized it would be the last time I ever did it. I walked halfway down the hall, toward the elevator, right about where Noah and I met for the first time. I stopped dead in my tracks, remembering the key I still held in my pocket, “Dammit,” I mumbled to myself.

  I turned around and ran back, a part of me wanting just to go back through the door and hug him and tell him he didn’t have to worry about me leaving him. Instead, I watched a shadow under the door pacing steadily; just before hearing the lock on the door click. My breath caught in my throat; I must have gasped because the figure on the other side of the door stopped moving.

  It would be too much to go inside; I thought even though every part of me desperately wanted to. Instead, I bent down and slid it under the crack beneath the door. I
waited there a moment, maybe for him to take it, but nothing happened, so I just left.

  The elevator was as slow as it had ever been. Every piece of me was trying not to shatter under the deafening pounding of my heart; the loneliness of the elevator was almost enough to make me comfortable with breaking down.

  Instead, the doors opened, and it dinged.

  I could stay on, I thought hopefully. Just one button and I could take it all back, but I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t worth staying.

  I grabbed my suitcase as I had sat it down beside me and walked carefully into the gray lobby; it looked just the way it did when I had arrived here. I directed myself toward the front desk, shutting my eyes tightly, hoping this was all a nightmare and there was still a chance I could wake myself.

  Just then a heavy hand rested itself on my shoulder. I turned around to face him; he had come to stop me from leaving. I couldn’t help but smile as I turned around to face him, “Cameron?” His bright blue eyes were wide with surprise, I noticed as I craned my neck up to look at him.

  “Hayden,” He said, his words coming out breathy as if he had just run. “Why are you leaving?”

  I shook my head, “How did you know I was leaving?”

  He just ignored me and shifted his gaze to a small figure rushing toward us from behind me. “Good, Kara, you’re here. I’m gonna go up and check on Noah,” he said quickly before leaving us.

  “Hayden,” she said in the same breathy tone as he had. “Why are you going?”

  I shook my head again, “Wait, no. How did both of you know I was leaving?”