Rio Loco

by Robert J Conley

  “I’m going up on the roof with Happy,” I heared Butcher say, and right after, Churkee said, “I’ll go with you.” I heared them run across the office, and then I heared the back door slam shut. I could also hear them climbing the ladder and walking on the roof. I thought that was not a bad idee ole Butcher had. Now they was three men on the roof. They would get better shots at anyone down in the street than what they could get from the front winders. I tuck a good long drink.

  “What are they waiting for?” said Polly. I was a-thinking the same damn thing. To tell the truth, I was getting kinda anxious to hear some gunfire. I didn’t want no one shooting ole Chugwater, though, on account a’ I was really wanting that privilege for my own self. And I weren’t ready for it. Not the shape I was in. Just outta curiosity, I stood up and I hauled out my Merwin Hulbert with my right hand and raised it up to the firing position. Goddamn but it hurt my neck. I put it back into the holster and set back down. I tuck another drink, and I seen that my bottle was a-getting kinda low. “Shit,” I said.

  “They’re coming out,” I heared Bonnie say. “Polly, can you pick one off with that rifle?”

  “Sure I can, but I ain’t sure I oughta.”

  “Barjack said to shoot them on sight,” Bonnie answered, and then I heared a loud report. It were a rifle shot.

  “You got him,” said Bonnie. “I think you kilt him.”

  I could hear Polly crank another slug into the chamber a’ her rifle, and then she said, “I can get another one.”

  “Go on,” said Bonnie. Then there was another shot and another cheer.

  “That’s two more down,” Polly said. Then I could hear more rifle shots coming from up above me. Happy and Butcher and Churkee was a-shooting at the bastards from up on the roof. Pretty soon, the shots stopped. Bonnie come a-flouncing back into the cell.

  “We run them outta town,” she said. “Polly shot two of them down while they was mounting up, and then the boys on the roof started shooting. They dropped two more, and the other four lit outta town.

  “That’s good,” I said. “And there ain’t no more of them in town right now?”

  “Not that we can tell.”

  “Well, I damn sure hope it’s clear,” I said, “on account a’ I need someone to run over to the Hooch House and get me another bottle a’ whiskey.”

  “I’ll do it,” she said. “I won’t be long.”

  She holstered her little gun in that holster what was hanging around her neck and went out. Just as she opened the front door, she tole Polly and the others where the hell she was a-going. Knowing that I had another bottle a-coming, I lifted the one I was holding and drained it down. Then I tossed the bottle on the floor. Bonnie was as good as her word. She come back right quick with two more bottles. “I wanted to make sure you don’t run out,” she said.

  “You’re a right champion,” I said, and I tuck one a’ the bottles and popped it open. I tuck me a quick slug a’ the good stuff, and it come to me that a slug out of a bottle what’s just been opened is about the best drink a man can get. God, it was good. Bonnie tuck the other bottle out to my desk to put it in the drawer. When she come back she brung me one a’ my tumblers. I poured it full. I meant to get my ass wiped out that night.

  Chapter Eleven

  Hell, I was just about drunken whenever ole Butcher come a-running in to tell me something. He was in such a hurry that he never looked where he was a-going. That empty bottle what I had throwed on the floor was a-laying right smack in his path on its side, and, by God, he stepped right on it, and it went to rolling, and it throwed him right down on his back on that hard floor. Well, he roared like a old bear, and when he hit, it sounded like a huge sack a’ flour had been dropped from a second-story down onto the floor.

  “My God, Butcher,” said Bonnie, “are you all right?”

  He never even answered her. He just moaned real loud. I set up on the edge a’ the cot. “Get up, Butcher,” I said. “Hell, you’re all right.”

  “Oohh,” he moaned. “No. No, I ain’t. I can’t even move.”

  I knowed that I couldn’t get up (I was too drunk) and I couldn’t help him up if I did get up (my neck was still a-hurting too much), so I just yelled out. “Help. Someone get in here and give us a hand.” Bonnie jumped up and picked up that bottle and tuck it away to put it in the trash can. Churkee was the first one in, and then the rest follered. Churkee and Dingle got Butcher up onto his feet, but then they had to keep on a-holding him up. He couldn’t keep hisself standing.

  “Oh, God, I’m hurt, Barjack,” Butcher said.

  “Why the hell don’t you watch where you’re a-stepping?” I said, not showing no sympathy a’tall.

  “Barjack,” said Bonnie, who had come back in by that time, “that ain’t no way to talk. Butcher’s hurt. And how come you to throw your damned empty bottle on the floor thattaway anyhow?”

  “I never thunk no one would go to stomping on the damn thing,” I said. “Get him to a chair.”

  Ole Sly brung a chair to Butcher, and they eased him down on it. He groaned the whole way. “I’d better go fetch Doc,” Sly said, and he left. When he come back just a few minutes later, he said, “Doc’s coming. Barjack, Chugwater’s coming too. I saw him ride in.”

  “How many men has he got with him?” I ast.

  “He’s alone,” said Sly.

  “That’s what I come to tell you,” said Butcher, kinda through his gritted teeth. “I seen him from on top a’ the roof.”

  “He can’t be up to anything too dangerous,” said Churkee, “coming in by himself.”

  “That’s what I figured,” said Sly. “But he’s coming.”

  “Polly,” said Bonnie, “shoot the son of a bitch.”

  Polly went and grabbed up her rifle and went to one a’ the front winders. “I can get him,” she said.

  “Don’t do it,” I said. “Leave him come on, and let’s find out what the hell he wants.”

  “Barjack,” Bonnie snapped at me, “we could end this all right now.”

  “I want to talk to him,” I said. “Bonnie, fetch me out another glass.” She went and brung me one. In another minute there was a-banging on the door.

  “Barjack,” a voice called out. “It’s Chugwater. I want to talk to you.”

  “Let him in,” I said, “but keep your eye on him.”

  Polly went and opened the door, and Chugwater stepped in. He stopped and looked around at the mess a’ people in my office. He looked a little bit suspicious or maybe it was nervous. “Come on in here,” I called out, and Polly pointed him to the cell where I was a-setting. Chugwater stepped in kinda cautiouslike.

  “I don’t like coming into a jail cell,” he said.

  “You said you wanted to talk to me,” I said. “Well, that’s where I’m at.”

  “I wouldn’t stay in here otherwise,” he said.

  I poured him a glass full a’ my good whiskey and offered it to him. He tuck it and tuck a drink. “Thank you,” he said. “That’s good whiskey.”

  “It’s my own personal stuff,” I said, “but I don’t think you come here just to have a drink with me.”

  “You’re right.”

  “Well, what is it?”

  “How’s my brother?”

  “He’s alive and being fed.”

  “That’s good to know. There’s been a lot of shooting around here.”

  “That there’s your doing,” I said, “not mine.”

  “Barjack, I can’t just leave my brother in here to go to trial and maybe hang. I made a promise to my mother.”

  “And I think that there’s a admirable trait what you got, Chugwater. I thunk a lot about that, and I don’t know if I would be able to do the same thing for one a’ my brothers. It shows you got a lot a’ character about you.”

  “Thanks, Barjack.”

  “But I got my character and my reputation to think about too. I’m a lawman, and I seen Owl Shit murder that man to death. He done it right in front a’ my own ey
es and right in my own establishment, the Hooch House. I got to hold him for the judge, Chugwater. You had ought to be able to see that.”

  “I can see it, Barjack,” he said. “And I admire you for your courage and your determination. You’re a hell of a damn good lawman. I give you that. But there’s men getting killed.”

  “All on your side,” I said, “and you could put a stop to it if you was a mind to.”

  Just then there was a knock on the door. Polly hollered out, “Who is it?”

  The doc answered, and she let him in. She showed him over to where Butcher was a-setting and still a-moaning, and Doc went to asking questions and poking around on ole Butcher.

  “I see that a couple of you are hurt, though,” Chugwater said. “I could call this thing off right now.”

  “All right,” I said. “You do that.”

  “I said I could, if you was to release my brother to me.”

  “I ain’t a-going to do that.”

  “I’d see to it that he showed up for the trial,” Chugwater said. “Hell, I can buy off a jury.”

  “And Owl Shit could refuse to come to town for the trial,” I said. “No, sir. That ain’t going to happen.”

  “Then let’s just you and me go outside and fight it out. Just the two of us. No one else would get hurt.”

  “I’d be just tickled to oblige you, Chugwater,” I said, “but like you noticed, I been hurt. One a’ your skunks shot me in the neck, and I can’t hardly manage nothing with my right arm.”

  “That’s too bad,” Chugwater said.

  “I’ll damn sure let you know, though, when I’m fit to fight again.”

  “I’ll be looking forward to it.” He tuck a long drink a’ the whiskey I had give him. “But I should warn you, that if it don’t come pretty fast, I’ll be bringing my entire crew in here to attack you. I mean to have my brother out.”

  “Or to die a-trying?”

  “Can I talk to him?”

  “Go right on ahead. Help yourself.”

  He drained his glass and set it down on the floor. Then he stood up and walked outta the cell. I leant back and pushed the blanket what was behint me to one side so I could see Owl Shit and Chugwater in the next cell. Well, Chugwater weren’t in it. He were on the outside, but I could see the both a’ them. When Chugwater stepped up to the cell, Owl Shit jumped up and run over to meet him.

  “You come to get me outta here?” Owl Shit said.

  “Not just yet,” said Chugwater. “You got to have a little more patience. Barjack and his gang have damn near wiped out my cowhands. I had to hire me some new ones.”

  “Well, just kill the son of a bitch.”

  “That ain’t near as easy as it sounds. Listen to me. I’m going to bring in the whole outfit, and we’re going to fight it out to the finish. You just sit here and be quiet, and everything will work out for the best. You know I promised Mama, and I always keep my word, especially to Mama.”

  “I’ll do my best. I’m sure glad you come by. They won’t let me talk. I been quiet for the damnedest long time. It almost hurts to be quiet for so long. Say. Is there any way you can get me a drink?”

  “I’ll see.”

  Chugwater come back into the cell where I was a-setting. “Barjack,” he said, “can I buy my brother a drink?”

  I thunk about that for a short spell, and then I said, “Hell. Why not?” There was a little more than half left in the bottle I was a-hugging, and I handed it to him. He looked at me a little bit surprised.

  “How much?” he ast me.

  “No charge,” I said.

  “Thanks, Barjack,” he said, and he walked back out. I leant back and pushed that blanket aside one more time to watch and listen. I seen Chugwater hand that bottle through the bars to Owl Shit. Owl Shit tuck it and tuck a fast drink out of it. He lowered the bottle and give his brother a look. Then he tuck another swaller.

  “Thanks, brother,” he said. “Bless you.”

  “Thank Barjack,” Chugwater said. “He give it to me for you.”

  “Barjack did that?”

  “That’s right.”

  “But he won’t let me talk.”

  “Try it. I gotta go now. You keep patient. I’ll have you out of here soon.”

  Chugwater left then, and then I heared Owl Shit in a little weasly voice saying, “Barjack? Barjack?”

  “What is it, Owl Shit?”

  “Can I say something without getting no water throwed on me and without getting deprived a’ my next meal?”

  “Talk, Owl Shit,” I said.

  “I just want to say thank you for this here bottle. I sure was needing it real bad. I really do appreciate it. You ain’t such a bad guy as I thought you was.”

  “That’s all right, Owl Shit,” I tole him. “That’s enough talking now. You keep yourself quiet.”

  “Yes, sir,” he said, and he shut up.

  Butcher yowled out loud just then, and I figgered that Doc had poked him right where it hurt real bad. In another minute Doc come back into my cell. He come over to me and ripped the bandage off a’ my neck and poked it a bit. Then he put on a fresh bandage.

  “You’ll be all right in another day or two,” he said.

  “Hell,” I said, “I’m all right right now.”

  “Just you mind what I say.”

  “All right. Doc? How’s Butcher?”

  “Oh. Well, when he fell, he busted a couple of ribs back in the back. I taped him up real tight. That’s all I can do for busted ribs. I gave him some laudanum for the pain. He won’t be any good to you for a while now. If I were you, I’d send him home to bed.”

  “Well,” I said, “the only thing is, you ain’t me.”

  “Well,” he said, picking up his bag, “call me again when another one of you gets shot or busted up.”

  He started out, and I said, “Doc, you send—”

  But he interrupted me, saying, “I know. I can send my bill to Peester. He ain’t paid the last one yet.” Then he went out and shut the door behint him.

  “Butcher,” I called out.

  “What, Barjack?”

  “Doc says I should send you home to bed. You want to go home?”

  “No, Barjack,” he said. “I can’t move around much, but I can still shoot if need be.”

  “That’s what I thought,” I said. “Good for you.”

  “Peester’s coming,” said Polly.

  “Well,” I said, “if he don’t call out his name, kill him.”

  “Kill the mayor?” Polly said.

  “That’s our rule in case you forgot it,” I answered.

  Well, whenever Peester stepped up on the boardwalk, Polly went and shot his hat off his head. She didn’t hardly have the nerve to shoot the mayor down like I had tole her to do. Peester yelled out. He bent over to get his hat, and he called out, “It’s Peester. It’s the mayor.”

  “Oh,” said Polly. “Well, come on in, Mr. Mayor.”

  Peester come in holding his hat with both hands in front a’ his chest. He was a-shaking something awful. Bonnie pointed to the cell I was in. Peester come in and seen me.

  “Barjack,” he said, “have you been shot?”

  “No, I just daubed some ketchup on my neck and wrapped that there bandage over it for looks.”

  “I’m glad it wasn’t fatal,” he said, and I thunk for sure he was a-lying about that.

  “What did you come over here for, Pettifogger?” I said.

  “I want to know how you intend to resolve this situation.”

  “Which situation you referring to, Your Horniness?”

  “This business with Chugwater and his brother.”

  “Oh, you mean with ole Owl Shit there in the next cell?”

  “Yes. Chugwater’s brother.”

  “Well, Your Orneriness, I don’t know that there’s anything to be resolved. Owl Shit kilt a man in front a’ a whole bunch a’ witnesses, including me, my own self, and I got him in jail. Ain’t nothing else to be did. Is there?”r />
  “Barjack, you know damn well what I mean. Chugwater’s attacked this town already several times. He’s going to tear the town up and get some more people killed. What do you intend to do about that?”

  “I can’t do nothing about it. I can’t control Chugwater’s brain, can I? If he keeps on a-coming on, we’ll just keep on a-killing them.”

  “You could turn Owl, uh, his brother loose.”

  “Mr. Goddamn Mayorness, I can’t hardly believe that I actual heared you, a bony fide pettifogging lawyer, say that. I’m a duly appointed officer a’ the law. I can’t just let a murdering skunk a-loose like that. The only way I could do that is if I had a order direct from you in writing and signed by your own hand and witnessed by three other citizens. It might ought to be signed in blood too. Your blood.”

  “You know I can’t issue such an order.”

  “And you know I can’t turn loose no killer.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Well, nobody come around for a few more days, and I come to be kinda relaxed about the whole situation. I got damned tired a’ being around the jailhouse with them same people all day and all night ever damn day and night, so I decided to get the hell outta there for a spell. I decided that I would go back down to the Hooch House with my Bonnie and hang around there. I might even spend a night back up in my room upstairs—with my sweet-ass Bonnie a’ course. So I went and tole ole Happy that he was more or less in charge a’ things while I was out, and I tuck Bonnie along with me and went on down to my saloon. We walked in there like we didn’t have no cares in all the world, and we went back and tuck our usual seats at my private table. Ole Gooch Blossum were a-setting there in my own damn chair, and when he seen me a-coming, by God, he grabbed up his drink and scooted real damn fast clean acrost the room. I stood there by my chair and scowled at him for about a couple a’ minutes before I set down. Bonnie was already a-setting.

  Aubrey seen us come in, and he come over real quicklike with our two drinks. “Anything else you want?” he ast us.

  “No, Aubrey, that’s all for right now, but keep ’em a-coming,” I tole him. Then I went and tuck me a good long drink. Bonnie sipped at hers. It were one a’ them pink things what she most always had. I kept a-staring at ole Gooch, and he seen me too. Final I reckon he couldn’t take it no more. He got up and come all the way back over to my table. He stopped a few feet away from me; his drink was in his hand. I give him a mean, hard look.