To Know Her by Name

by Lori Wick

  “All right.” He dropped her hand and put an arm around her.

  She was still upset. “I care what you think, McKay. Tell me if I’m wrong.”

  “You’re not wrong, because obviously the Lord is leading you. I can see how it would bother you, especially not being able to get close to people, but your type of job is also very special. Your talent allows the law to pull criminals from the street. That’s one of the reasons I stay involved. I believe in our system. It’s not without its problems, but Phipps is now behind bars. Think of the people who will be spared his manipulations because of that.”

  Pup laid her head on his shoulder. McKay kissed the top of her head.

  “Somehow I thought you would be more enthusiastic.”

  McKay immediately shifted so he could look down into her face.

  “You misunderstand me.” His eyes were warm, almost smiling, and his voice low. “I’m all for your leaving this job. My plans for us do not include your moving about the countryside in various disguises.”

  Pup smiled. “What do they include?”

  “First of all, getting to know each other very, very well. Time with you and your church family. More time with you in Longmont with my parents and church family. Time to talk, plan, and dream a little.”

  Pup stared at him. “To what end, McKay?”

  It was McKay’s turn to smile; he loved it when she was direct. “If you haven’t figured out that I’m in love with you, you’re not half as bright as I’ve given you credit for being.”

  “I know when it happened for me,” she told him, her voice full of wonder. “It was the night you picked up an old man in the alley and dusted him off. I knew that if I looked forever, I’d never find another man in all the world who was like you.”

  McKay kissed her. He didn’t even try to fight the emotions surging through him. He loved this woman and wanted to kiss her. For right now that was all he needed.

  “You look tired,” Pup said after a while.

  “I am tired, and I know Nick is going to come home just as tired, so I’m going to take off. What are your plans for the next few days?”

  “Tomorrow I want to see Jubal. I wish you could be there with me, but I know you’re working.”

  “I can ask.”

  “Okay. Did you bring him in?”

  “Yes. I’m sorry. I wish it could be different for you.”

  “Do you remember that day we stood over Govern’s new grave, the day you left my cabin? I told you then, McKay, and I’m telling you now—he made his choices. I didn’t have a chance to tell Govern about Christ, and you can believe that I’ll tell Jubal, but it’s still the same. He’s got to make his own choices.”

  McKay put his forehead against hers and kept his eyes closed. She was so special. He had shot one brother and arrested another, but there was no anger in her. Choices. She had used that word with him several times. McKay realized that she had made her choice as well—a good choice.

  “Are you really going to ask if you can go with me tomorrow?” Her voice broke into his thoughts.

  He opened his eyes. “Yes. I’ll let you know if it’s going to work. And now I’d better get going.”

  “All right.”

  He tried to rise, but Pup held onto his shirt.

  “If you can’t go with me tomorrow, when will I see you?”

  McKay’s heart melted. He had never seen her like this.

  “Either way I’ll come here tomorrow night at seven o’clock and we’ll go out for dinner and spend the whole evening together. I’ve got something special in mind.”

  Pup bit her lip and wanted to cry.

  “I’d better go.” He could see she was feeling teary and thought she might need some time alone. Either that, or he might end up staying longer than was wise.

  He kissed her gently and made himself walk from the room. It wasn’t his choice to leave her, but something told him that Nick would not want to come home and find the two of them talking in his study. At some point his relationship with Pup was going to have to come to the surface, but not today. Today had been full enough.

  “This meat is delicious,” Camille told Miranda that evening.

  “It was a good cut,” she said modestly, as she put a bowl of fresh potatoes at Nick’s elbow.

  “Thank you,” Nick spoke to the housekeeper, and then looked back to Pup. “Did you decide if you wanted to see Jubal?”

  “Yes, I would like to. I asked McKay if he could take me tomorrow, and he said he’d have to ask.”

  It was slight, but Pup caught it. Nick’s movements paused for little more than a second before he went back to eating. Pup was no fool. She had not pressed McKay, but she knew very well that it had been more than fatigue that had sent him from her side before Nick came home.

  “Is there some problem, Nick?” As usual she came straight to the point.

  The man stared back at her.

  “I mentioned McKay, and you looked uncomfortable. Is there something you want to say or something I should know?”

  “I’m just not sure you know what you’re doing.”

  “With McKay?”

  “Yes.”

  “You’ll have to be more specific, Nick.”

  “I just don’t want you to get hurt,” he said, a frown between his eyes. “Romance and the treasury department don’t mix.”

  “What if I wasn’t with the treasury department anymore?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous! Of course you’ll be with the treasury department.” And that was the end of that. Nick was not in the mood to be reasonable about the matter, and Pup felt it useless to argue with the man. The last thing she wanted to do was part on a bad note. She went back to her food, but not before glancing at Camille. Mrs. Wallace was looking right back, her eyes telling Pup she was on her side.

  “What is it that makes you so unreasonable about the matter?”

  Nick looked over at his wife. She usually didn’t wake as early as he did, but something told him she’d been lying there awake for some time.

  “I just don’t want her hurt.”

  “Then you haven’t seen McKay’s face when he looks at her. How could you possibly deny her that kind of happiness?”

  “She’s happy now. I’m not denying her a thing.” He turned away to tie his tie, and for a moment Camille was silent.

  “I can still see you,” she began softly, Nick’s back still to her. “You came in the front door of my parents’ home, and I thought I would die. You were the most handsome man I’d ever seen. And the way you looked at me …” She sighed. “I blushed for a week.”

  Nick had turned to look at her now, but her eyes were still on a distant spot.

  “I can still see it as though it were yesterday.” She now looked at Nick. “I know that nothing would have been the same without you, and up to now I thought it was the same for you.”

  “It is the same for me; you know that, Camie.”

  “Then you can’t tell me she’s happy and should just settle for her job. She’s met McKay, and now her heart wants more.”

  Nick’s eyes closed in agony. “She’s like a daughter to me, Camille. Can’t you see that?”

  “Of course I can. Don’t you think it’s the same for me, Nick? I think we’ve been with Callie more than if she had been our daughter. A daughter might have moved hundreds of miles away; we have Callie off and on all through the year.”

  She thought she’d gotten through to him, but a moment passed and the shutters dropped over Nick’s pain-filled eyes again. He came to the side of the bed.

  “Tell Pup that someone will be here to take her to the jail this afternoon, probably between one and two.” He bent and kissed his wife, his touch as gentle as always. He stood to full height then. Although his eyes were on Camille, they weren’t really seeing her.

  “He can’t have her.”

  Nick probably wasn’t aware of having said the words aloud, but they were out and Camille’s heart clenched in pain. A moment later h
e left without remembering to tell her goodbye.

  42

  Pup lay on her side in bed, her Bible open to Ephesians 2:10. The verses leading up to this passage had spoken of salvation and God’s grace, and Pup had read them while still at home. But she didn’t remember seeing verse ten before.

  For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.

  “Your workmanship, Lord. That makes me feel so special and loved,” she prayed softly. “And Your plan. All along You had something You wanted me to do. Before ordained that I should walk in them. I love that. I want to walk in the plan You have for me. Please help me to be certain about this job. Nick thinks my thoughts about leaving are because of McKay, but they’re not. Help me to make him see.”

  The door opened, and Camille put her head in.

  “Have breakfast with me?”

  “Can you give me about ten minutes?”

  “Certainly. Miranda is going to want to know what you’re hungry for.”

  Pup thought for a moment. “I haven’t had that hot cereal she makes for ages—you know, the one with the raisins.”

  Camille smiled. “I’ll see what I can do.”

  Upon Camille’s departure, Pup got out of bed and started to dress. She didn’t move very fast, and it struck her, not for the first time, that when she wore a wig, there wasn’t much she had to do with herself. Nick had brought her things, the dark wig among them, from the apartment the night before, and she was now able to be more comfortable in a dress. It wasn’t a problem with McKay or the members of this household, but should so much as a messenger boy come to the door, a woman with hair almost as short as a man’s would certainly draw attention.

  It was a given that she would wear the wig tonight, but what dress? Pup stood at the wardrobe and pondered the matter. She’d had the navy on when McKay came yesterday. Maybe she should wear that one again.

  “Are you coming?” Camille was at the door again, and Pup knew she’d been dawdling.

  “Yes. I was just thinking about tonight.”

  “You’re not headed home, are you?”

  “No, McKay is taking me to dinner, and I’m wondering what to wear.”

  The women took the stairs, walking side by side.

  “You’ve fallen rather quiet,” Pup commented when they reached the landing.

  “I was just wondering if the reason you didn’t mention your plans to go out tonight had to do with Nick.”

  “Yes. He’s upset enough already.”

  “I know he is, Callie, and I feel for him, but you can’t live your life around Nick’s wishes. You’ll just have to tell him that you love McKay more than you love the job.”

  They both took seats at the dining room table. Miranda had already put the food on and the women began to eat.

  “I guess that’s the problem, Camille. This is not really about McKay, and I just don’t think Nick will understand.”

  Camille could have told her that she didn’t understand but made herself stay quiet. If this wasn’t about McKay, then what or whom?

  “It seems to me that Nick sees McKay as the problem,” Pup’s hostess said slowly. “Why don’t you think he’ll be pleased to hear the real reason?”

  “First of all, I don’t think he’ll be pleased because even though it’s not about McKay, I’m still leaving the treasury. My biggest fear is that he’ll think I think I’m better than everyone else.”

  “Why would he think that?”

  “Because of my beliefs. I need to leave this life of undercover work because I think it’s wrong for me to keep up this constant false front. Before the Lord I can’t do it anymore. You’ve always listened to me, Camille, so I feel free to share with you, but when I asked Nick for my Bible, he got a strange look on his face.”

  Camille sighed. “That’s certainly the truth. Just yesterday I was thinking about how crushed Nick would be if he knew I yearned for spiritual things. He prides himself in being a fine provider, and he is, so I think he’ll take it personally if I ever tell him I want more.”

  “I didn’t know that, Camille,” Pup said quietly.

  The older woman looked down at her food. “The first time you talked to me, I didn’t know if I agreed with you or not, but when you went away there was a hole inside, a hole that has been there all along—one I’ve never known how to fill.” She shrugged uncomfortably. “I don’t know. Maybe what you have isn’t for everyone.”

  Pup had to think on that. She had never considered that some might not be included in God’s plan to save souls. It didn’t make sense to her.

  “I think you should keep searching, Camille,” she told her friend sincerely. “I mean, there are so many verses that say Christ died for the whole world. That sounds to me as if He means everyone.”

  “I have so many fears,” the older woman admitted, and Pup’s heart broke when she saw the tears in her eyes. “What if I can’t do it, Callie, what if God asks more from me than I can give?”

  Pup bit her lip. “I wish I knew more,” she said fervently. “I wish I had all the answers for you.” She paused, her mind racing. “I think you might need to ask yourself one question, Camille.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Could my coming to God make me more empty or miserable than I am now?”

  It was Camille’s undoing. She covered her face with her hands and sobbed. Pup rose and immediately went to her side. She put her arms around her and simply held her while she cried. Miranda came in with coffee, her concerned eyes intent on her friend and employer, but she left without speaking. When Camille seemed to be in control again, Pup pulled a chair close.

  “Do you have a Bible?”

  “Yes,” Camille whispered.

  “Read it, Camille. It’s all in there. Everything you need to know is there. I refuse to believe that God would hide from anyone; He’s too loving for that. If you seek after Him, you’ll find Him. In fact, I think these feelings of wanting to know Him are from Him. Does that make sense?”

  Camille nodded. She felt a headache starting, but her heart was lighter. She didn’t have to be left out. She could search like anyone else.

  “Thank you, Callie.”

  “I don’t feel I did much.”

  “You did quite a bit.”

  They went back to their food and continued to talk through several cups of coffee, Camille wanting to know what Pup was going to say to Nick. Pup had to admit that she wasn’t too sure. The older woman also had to know if Pup was ready to go to the jail. Pup responded that she’d have to be since she’d made up her mind to see her brother. She just hoped that McKay could be with her.

  “I’m still confused about one thing,” Camille remarked. “If McKay’s not a main part of the picture right now, why do you want him at the jail, and why are the two of you going out tonight?”

  Pup blinked. “I didn’t explain myself very well. McKay is very much a part of the picture. I’m in love with him, but whether or not we’d ever met, I’d still be leaving the treasury.”

  “So McKay hasn’t pressed you to do this?”

  “No.”

  Camille’s brows rose. “I don’t think Nick knows that.”

  “No, he probably doesn’t. He was in no mood to be reasonable last night, so I couldn’t tell him.”

  They ran out of words then, both busy with their emotions and thoughts. They thanked Miranda for the meal when she came to check on them, and then the women went off in various pursuits: Pup to pray about seeing Jubal and confronting Nick, and Camille to find the family Bible. She had some reading to do.

  The Denver courthouse and jail was not a cold structure, but Pup felt a chill go over her. It wasn’t the dark brick of the building or the bars on the windows; it was the fact that men chose to come to this place. They would never see it that way, but it was still true. Choices were made and consequences were often paid within these walls.

  This was strongly on Pup’s min
d as she and Nick made their way inside. That he was a familiar figure was obvious from the greeting he received from several men. Both Nick and Pup had to sign in, but it wasn’t long before they were shown to a doorway and led inside. Nick had a few words with the guard escorting them, and a moment later the guard left them alone, closing the portal in his wake.

  The hallway was dim. Pup had feared that she would have to walk down between rows of cells, but instead she was taken to a section with roomlike enclosures. The walls between the cells were solid, sporting bars only on the front. After they had entered, Nick told her which cell it was and that there was no one else there, but she still felt frightened. However, she was pleased that Nick hung back, allowing her to step before Jubal’s cell alone. She did so now, the light from a high window coming full on her face.

  “Pup?” her brother’s voice came to her, and he rose from a solitary bunk. “Is that you?”

  “Hi, Jubal,” she said softly, watching as he came to the bars. For a moment they just stared at each other, the years falling away. To Pup’s mind he didn’t look tough at all, not like she was expecting. Jubal thought Pup looked just like Govern and Papa.

  “How did you know I was here?”

  “A friend told me. Are you all right?”

  Jubal looked away. He’d never been caught before. He’d never spent even one night in jail, and now it looked like he’d be spending the rest of his nights in jail. He finally looked back at her.

  “Is it true about Govern, Pup? Did he die at the cabin?”

  “Yeah,” tears filled her eyes. “I buried him next to Mama and Papa.”

  Jubal had to look away again.

  “Do you ever ask yourself how you and Govern got to this place, Jubal? Do you ever think about that?”

  He shrugged. “Only if I think of Mama. I’m just glad she can’t see me now.” He looked at his sister. “Were you with her when she died, Pup?”