And Playing the Role of Herself...

by K E Lane

"No, no, that's all." Susan said absently as she looked across the set, not noticing or not caring about my abruptness. "Why don't you two discuss it? We'll start in five. Kyle! Don't leave that there!" she yelled as she moved away from us.

  "Caid…" Robyn started. Without glancing at her, I crossed the floor to my chair and pulled on my jacket with jerky, uncoordinated movements. The collar turned under and I yanked at it ineffectually, stiffening when I felt a pair of hands on my shoulders, smoothing the leather and straightening the collar.

  "Caid, you need to relax."

  The flare of anger at her words pushed my anxiety aside for the moment, and I grabbed at it with both hands. "Excuse me?" I said, turning slowly.

  "I know you're nervous, but this is supposed to be fun, remember?" She smiled, and busied herself straightening the collar of my jacket. "You need to relax."

  "You think I'm nervous?" I asked, my voice rising.

  "Well…yes," Her hands stilled and dropped away as she looked at me searchingly. "Aren't you? Isn't that why…"

  "This isn't nervous, Robyn, this is pissed off!" I nearly yelled. Some of the crew around us were watching our exchange with open curiosity, and I took a breath and lowered my voice. "This is pissed off because someone I thought was a friend isn't acting like one."

  She pulled back, startled by the vehemence in my tone. "Caid, I…"

  I was on a roll now, anger firmly in control, the rest of me watching in sick fascination. I made a chopping motion with my hand. "Save it. You've made yourself quite clear."

  Robyn's face hardened and her eyes narrowed. "Fine."

  Susan's voice cut through the din. "Let's get this blocked out, shall we? Caid, Robyn, can you join us, please?"

  I looked over to see where Susan was and when I turned back, Robyn was already stalking towards the set, her normal grace replaced with rigid stiffness.

  "Fine," I muttered, and stalked after her.

  The anger fueled me through the thirty minutes it took for Susan to block and plan the scene how she wanted it and helped me ignore the fact that more and more people were trickling into the building and standing around the set, waiting and watching. Grant was there, standing behind Susan and occasionally leaning forward to give an opinion, along with nearly all of the rest of the executive producers and co-producers, writers, cast, crew…

  Don't think about it. Just…focus on what needs to be done.

  Susan wanted the scene shot in two sections: our entrance to her office while we argued, then the kiss. I started to relax as we worked through the first section, the familiar actions and sounds calming some of my anxiety. The anger was still there, though, on both sides, and it sparked between us during the scene's verbal exchange, coloring both our performances and making Susan a very happy director.

  "Great job, you two," she called after stopping the action. "I like the interaction. Try to keep that up in this next part, okay? Robyn, you set the pace, you're the aggressor. Caid, follow her lead. Alright, let's get the cameras set up and get this one done."

  And suddenly, it was time.

  I went to my mark and took several deep breaths. Easy Caid, easy. It's just a scene.

  And then we were rolling, Susan yelled "action", and Robyn was rounding the desk and prowling towards me like a predator stalking her prey, her eyes blazing with cool fury and looking so achingly beautiful that I was transfixed.

  "You assaulted me, detective." Her voice was low and dangerous, and she kept moving towards me, stopping when our bodies were only a foot apart. "I could have you thrown in jail for that."

  "Why didn't you?" I amazed myself by not only remembering my lines, despite Robyn's closeness, but also by dredging up some believable attitude to go with them. "You could have…"

  She grabbed me by the shoulders, yanked me towards her, and kissed me.

  The kiss took me by surprise, even though I'd been expecting it. It was hard and bruising, over in an instant, leaving me trembling and gasping for air.

  And wanting more.

  Much, much more.

  And thinking that this could be the last time I had a chance to get it.

  My hands were inside her suit jacket, gripping her hips where they'd gone for support the moment she'd kissed me. Now, a quick tug brought her closer and I brought our mouths together again, sensing a momentary resistance before she molded against me and her hand move from my shoulder to anchor in my hair, increasing the pressure of the kiss. I explored her lips gently, reverently; marveling at the softness and warmth and amazed by the emotions a simple kiss could invoke.

  "Cut!"

  Robyn's body stiffened at Susan's voice and she pulled back abruptly, giving me a wide-eyed stare before taking two quick steps away from me.

  I blinked, realized my mouth was hanging open, closed it, and blinked again.

  Holy shit.

  "Well, hell. Nice work, ladies. I think that's all we need - it's not going to get much better than that. Very, very nice. Print that!"

  Gradually the movement and noise of the set around me came into focus and several people who'd been watching surged onto the set, congratulating, teasing, and laughing. I smiled weakly and mumbled polite thanks, but my eyes were on Robyn, watching as she left the set with a crowd of well-wishers in her wake.

  "I knew we'd picked the right girls." Grant's smooth voice and beefy arm across my shoulder pulled my attention away from Robyn's retreating form and I turned to face him, ridding myself of his arm without appearing to do so on purpose.

  "I'm thirty-four, Grant. Hardly a girl anymore, but I'm glad that you're pleased with how it went." Job preservation skills kicked in and I smiled to take any sting out of the words.

  He guffawed and pulled me into another one-armed hug, which I endured until someone else caught his attention and he left me alone. The fervor had died down quickly after a few pointed words from Susan, and the crew was starting to move the lights and cameras as I left the set, still dazed, wishing I could just go somewhere and think instead of dealing with another few hours of shooting.

  Liz was waiting for me at my chair, smiling at me like a proud parent. "You see, Sugar, it wasn't so bad, was it?"

  I smiled slightly. "No, it wasn't so bad at all."

  She handed me the script that had been lying in the chair. "It was really good, Caid. That second kiss - I didn't expect that. Neither did anyone else, I'd say, from the reaction. Was that something you and Robyn worked out beforehand?"

  "Well, uh, Susan told us to have fun with it, and go with what we thought was best…" It was the truth, right?

  "Well," she said, and started walking towards the exit, obviously expecting me to follow, "if Grant's hard-on was anything to go by, I think it was just what they wanted. I could see that thing from forty feet away."

  "Liz…" I grimaced, remembering Grant's arm across my shoulders. "Ick. Shut-up! I don't want to know about Grant's…"

  "I mean, you couldn't miss it. Everyone knows the man is hung like an elephant, but to actually see it…I thought Susan was going to whack it with her clipboard..."

  I laughed my first genuine laugh in hours, and followed Liz out into the sunshine.

  ##

  I closed Twila's door gently and stood in the gathering darkness, biting my lip and eyeing the five cars parked in Robyn's drive with consternation.

  Well, shit.

  I had a vague plan that involved coming to Robyn's house and saying…something…but Robyn obviously had company, and company was not part of my vague plan. Not part of the plan at all. An inherent problem with vague plans is that they rarely come with a backup plan.

  I looked at the cars again, beginning to doubt the wisdom of my being here at all.

  The front door closed with a hollow thud, and I looked quickly towards the sound. A tall, dark-haired man in khaki shorts and a navy polo walked down the steps and headed towards a white Volvo SUV. His steps slowed as he noticed me, and he waved tentatively, peering into the semi-darkness.

  "
Hi…can I help you?" His voice was cautious, and he looked back to the door quickly, as though gauging the distance in case he had to make a run for it.

  I felt rather foolish, standing in Robyn Ward's driveway, being addressed by a man who, I was sure, thought I was probably a fan looking to rummage through Robyn's garbage…my embarrassment spurred me into movement and I pushed off Twila and started walking up the drive.

  "Hi," I said brightly, giving him a friendly, non garbage-stealer smile. "I actually stopped by to talk to Robyn, but it looks like she's got some company."

  He slowed to a stop as I approached and watched me suspiciously, then suddenly his eyes went round. "Oh my god. You're Caidence Harris."

  I smiled slightly and nodded. "That's me." When he was close enough, I stuck out my hand for him to shake. "And you must be a friend of Robyn's?"

  He took my hand absently, still staring at my face. I raised an eyebrow at him questioningly and he smiled sheepishly. "Uh…oh…sorry…Cal Paskins. My wife went to college with Robyn." He dropped my hand and snapped his fingers. "Damn, that's right. Josh told me that you and Robyn were friends."

  I hope, I thought fervently, I hope we're still friends.

  "Listen, Cal," I said, deciding that my plan could use some tuning, and that I could do this another day, "I don't want to interrupt your party. I'll just come by another time."

  "Oh, no, don't leave…hell, it's not like it's a big to-do or anything, we see each other all the time. Please don't go on our account. I'm sure Robyn would love to see you, and so would Josh, from the way he talked about you…"

  I tilted my head. "So Josh is here, too?" Of course Josh is here.

  "Uh-huh," he answered, and turned towards the Volvo. "Hang on a sec and I'll walk in with you." He unlocked the SUV and grabbed a gray sweater from the front passenger seat, holding it out to me triumphantly. "Lisa sent me out to the car to get her sweater…she gets cold when the temperature goes below seventy-five. Amazing to think that woman grew up in Minnesota."

  I smiled. "Are you from Minnesota too?"

  We started up the path to the front door. "Oh no, I'm a California boy. Grew up in San Jose. I'm not too fond of the cold either, but this," he waved one arm at the evening around us while opening the front door with the other, "this is not cold." He held the door open with a flourish and motioned me inside.

  I laughed, and crossed the threshold into the entryway just as Robyn appeared around the corner of the stairs that I remembered led to her bedroom. "Cal, are you talking to yourself out there? I told Lise you were craz…"

  She stopped short when she saw me, emotions flickering across her face. The one that lingered was anger.

  Crap. She was still angry with me. That wasn't really part of my plan either. I was starting to think my plan sucked.

  "Hey, Robyn!" Cal said enthusiastically, oblivious to Robyn's anger and my growing unease. "Look who I found outside. I told her I was sure you wouldn't mind her crashing the party, hope that's okay." He winked at me, confident in his belief that Robyn wouldn't mind me being here. I wasn't going to tell him he'd been dead wrong.

  I smiled gamely. "Hey Robyn. I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute?" I still wasn't sure what I was going to say to her; I only knew an apology for behaving like an ass that afternoon figured prominently in it.

  I saw the muscle in her jaw twitch, but she nodded politely. "Sure." She looked over at Cal. "Lisa's been bitching about not having that sweater…I'd get down there if I were you." The smile she gave him was much friendlier than the look she turned on me once Cal had excused himself and headed down the hallway.

  She walked down the last few steps to the entryway, coming to a stop several feet from me and crossing her arms. "Why are you here, Caid? I have guests."

  "I know, and I'm sorry. I just…I needed to talk to you."

  "Okay. I'm here, so talk." There was no softening of her stance, and I shifted nervously.

  "I…crap." I shook my head. "I'm not sure what I want to say…"

  She looked at me in disbelief, and stepped towards the door. "Come on, Caid…"

  "No! Wait…." She stopped and slowly settled back into her defensive stance. I gnawed on the inside of my cheek, trying to gather my thoughts. "Okay, first, I want to say I'm sorry for being such a bitch this afternoon. You were right, I was nervous, and I took it out on you. I'm sorry."

  She started to say something, but I continued on. "But to be honest, I really was upset about how you blew me off this week. One day you're talking about making new friends, and the next, you don't even talk to me. It…" I paused, and then finished quietly, "It hurt, Robyn."

  I looked over at her, but she hadn't moved and her expression was stony.

  This isn't working.

  "Is that it?" Robyn asked coolly, uncrossing her arms to walking to the door. "I need to get back to my guests."

  I ran a frustrated hand through my hair. "Why are you doing this? Pretending like there's nothing between us?"

  "I don't know what you're talking about," she said stiffly, and pulled the door open. "I think you should go, Caid."

  Angry now, I stepped forward and pushed the door shut, leaving my hand on it so she wouldn't open it again. "We're not finished."

  The move brought us close together and she stood her ground. We stood, toe to toe, glaring at each other, her eyes black pools in the dim light, dark and full of emotion, the cool remoteness vanished.

  Beautiful, I thought. So beautiful.

  "Damnit Caid," Her voice was low and rough, her breath whispering across my cheek. "What do you want from me?"

  "Whatever you can give me." I whispered, my eyes dropping to her mouth.

  We reached for each other at the same time, coming together in a fierce clash of lips and tongues, my hands in her hair and hers splayed across my back, pulling my body against hers roughly. We swayed and stumbled against the door, neither of us noticing as the kiss deepened, losing some of its urgency and becoming more of a mutual exploration than a battle for dominance.

  It was like nothing I'd ever felt before; the heat that pulsed through me at her touch, the intense craving for more, and under it all a sense of safety, of trust…I wanted to give myself over to it, to her, and let myself fall.

  I loosened one hand from her hair and ran my fingers across her cheek, down her neck and over the swell of her breast, pausing briefly at the sharp intake of breath before continuing down the long length of her torso to the hem of her shirt, slipping beneath it and brushing hesitant fingers over warm, soft skin.

  Robyn stilled in my arms and then attacked my mouth with renewed ferocity, slipping her hands into the low waistband of my jeans and pulling our hips together, sending a dizzying wave of desire through me that forced a groan from deep in my throat.

  "Oh…god," I breathed, tearing my mouth away from hers. She took the opportunity to trail her lips along my chin and suck gently on my neck, just below my ear. I trembled, overloaded with sensation. "Robyn…please," I whispered, not even knowing what I was asking for.

  Her whole body stilled, and she swore softly in my ear. Her hands gripped my hips and pushed me away. "Caid, I can't. This…I can't do this."

  I stumbled back, blinking at her stupidly. "Wha…"

  She shook her head violently, avoiding my gaze. "I'm not going to be an experiment, Caid. I can't be that. Not with you."

  I stared at her in confusion. "Experiment? What…" I stepped towards her, and she took a step back. I frowned. "What are you talking about?"

  "This," she said, waving her hand between the two of us. "I'm not going to be your experiment in the wonders of lesbianism. I've been there before, and it always ends the same."

  That stopped me. "You've done this before?"

  "Yes," she admitted quietly. "I'm gay, Caid. I haven't been with a man in years."

  I processed that for a moment. "Then why are you backing off? There's obviously an attraction…and more. Hell, Robyn, I can't get you out of my head.
I think about you constantly, want to see you, be with you, make you smile…I'm crazy about you."

  She smiled sadly. "And I'm crazy about you too, Caid, and that's why I can't do this. You're straight, I'm not, and this can only end badly if we let it start."

  I snorted. "Let it start? Don't you think it's a little too late for that? Do I need to remind you what we were just doing?" I held out a hand to show how I was still trembling. "I'm still shaking from what you do to me."

  "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…"

  "Don't you dare say you're sorry!" I said intensely. "Don't you dare. I know you're not sorry, and you want this as much as I do. This isn't an experiment for me, Robyn. Just because I haven't been with a woman, that doesn't make what I'm feeling any less valid. I've known I was attracted to women for a while now, but this is the first time it's gone deeper than just attraction, the first time it's been worth the risk. You are worth the risk, Robyn. This," I gestured between us, as she had done, "is worth the risk."