Finding Single Dads

by Destiny, Sam

  “Why? Did you spank their children because they were spoiled little brats or something?”

  My words surprised a laugh out of her. “No. I wouldn’t do that. That’s their business. But...” She sighed. “I remember their kids, Hayden. I know almost all of their names. But the mothers? I recognize the faces, but the names escape me. Can you believe it? I know under which conditions they gave birth, but… I-I just…”

  When fresh tears came to her eyes, I pressed my lips against her forehead, mainly to calm myself down and keep my impulsive ass from walking out that door and finding whomever had said something to her.

  “You are a nurse on the maternity ward. The babies are your patients, your focus, so you remember them.”

  She sniffled. “Even the dead ones.”

  My heart ached, thinking about all the babies who didn’t make it, all the tiny humans who never got a chance to see the world.

  “Someone has to, Katie.”

  And I meant it. I knew the mothers probably remembered, maybe even the fathers. After all, only a mother could fall in love with a child before it was even born, right? No one else met that tiny human before its birth, and Katie remembering them made it…

  I couldn’t put it into words. All the pain she remembered, the lost souls.

  “You are an amazing person, Katie Pearson,” I assured her.

  She blinked, then went on her tiptoes and kissed me on the cheek. It was sweet and brief, but it still made my heart flutter.

  “You know, whenever you’re not being an ass, you are actually quite perfect, Hayden,” she teased, a small smile playing over her lips.

  I grinned. “Stay for dinner.” I think we both needed it.

  She nodded, wiping her cheeks. “Yeah. I don’t want to be alone anyway. What did you make?” She sniffed the air, but besides a little garlic and some herbs, I didn’t think she could really tell.

  “Potatoes au gratin because my fridge didn’t have much else.” I needed to do some grocery shopping, but besides buying formula, I hadn’t been in the mood.

  “Well, better than nothing, I guess.” She grinned, then exhaled deeply.

  We were finally back on safer ground. I sure as hell hoped I’d never have to face another of her breakdowns because next time, someone was going to get hurt. I was sure Sarah wouldn’t appreciate having to tear me off some stupid suburban mom just because she hadn’t been able to keep her opinionated mouth shut.

  KATIE

  Hayden was quiet all morning, his expression somber. I was embarrassed by what had happened the night before. I had no idea why I had a breakdown, but I felt much better, fresher. I’d been sure we’d made progress on all other fronts, too, but it seemed we were right back to square one this morning.

  Hayden wasn’t stiff, dismissive, or anything else he’d been when I was around him the last week. Instead, he was lost in thought.

  We’d just put Cory down for a nap. I stood in the corner, leaning against the counter and watching Hayden wash dishes. I had no idea why he felt the need to do it by hand because he had a dishwasher, but I definitely wasn’t going to ask. Especially not when we had other things to talk about.

  “Are you going to tell me what’s on your mind, Hay?”

  Actually, I wouldn’t even mind if he told me something completely off-topic from what was going on, as long as he talked to me.

  “Dealing with your tears last night…” He shook his head. “I almost couldn’t handle it,” he confessed quietly.

  My heart broke. I thought he’d done well, holding and reassuring me. I hadn’t realized it had been so painful to him.

  “I…” Jesus, what could I possibly say?

  He grabbed the dish towel and dried his hands, then stepped up to me. “I wanted to kill someone, Katie. I was ready to storm out the door and find whomever upset you. Seeing you so hurt…” He closed his eyes and lowered his forehead to mine. “After Leah’s death, I didn’t think my heart could ache so much for someone else again, but seeing you so inconsolable nearly took my breath away.”

  I had nothing, absolutely nothing to say to his declaration because it caused my heart to thud in my chest, demanding so much more than I was sure he would ever offer.

  “You’re not mad I broke down?” I hadn’t even realized I’d worried about that until I’d voiced it.

  He cupped my cheeks, tilting my head up. “Mad? For tears? Not at all. I’m relieved you didn’t go home to be alone. I’m glad you were here so I could help, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t get me thinking.” He dropped his hands from my face and stepped back.

  “Thinking?” Why in the world did that sound so daunting, as if this were something bad?

  “Yes.” He returned to his dishes, giving me a small smile.

  “Okay… What did it get you thinking about?”

  Another smile was his only answer. He appeared calmer than he had in days, which worried me.

  “Hayden,” I whispered as he drained the sink, cleaned it, then wiped his hands on his sweatpants.

  He walked up and drew me close. “Right here.”

  This isn’t the kind of hug friends share, I thought. This is so much more.

  I hugged him back, my heart racing in my throat. What in the world was going on?

  “Losing Leah has been horrible. I feel like I’ve been torn in two. I loved her like I’d love a sister, but I cannot imagine what it would be like to lose someone I love. In fact, it made me realize I don’t know if I’ve ever loved someone in that romantic way.” He paused, then stepped back to look at me. “Seeing you hurt like that, Katie… I’ve never felt so protective, so furious…and I actually beat up people for Leah. Once an ex. Once a douche who thought he could grab her ass.”

  “So you were protective of her.”

  I nodded. “But not like I am with you. I don’t love you, not yet, but having you around, knowing you’ll be there… It soothes my soul…and terrifies me at the same time. I don’t think I could handle another loss.”

  I swallowed hard, not sure what he was getting at. This sounded like something between a beginning and an end.

  “You’re afraid of loving someone else?”

  He watched me a long moment, then leaned in, kissing me in a way that made me melt right where I stood. “I’m afraid of letting someone else go.”

  Turning away, he walked out of the kitchen. I had no idea what to think, to feel, but one thing rang out loud and clear. Amidst all this chaos, I was starting to fall hard for a man who was utterly broken, an enigma, clearly on his way to either salvation or utter self-destruction.

  Sadly, I couldn’t tell which one it would be just yet.

  KATIE

  The last five days, Hayden seemed more intense, his mood somber, and I wondered what in the world he was cooking up. The worse it became, the less certain I got about asking. I worried about his answer.

  Admittedly, I thought he was suicidal, and I knew not asking was taking the easy way out. I watched him closely, though. Whenever I wasn’t working, I was with Hayden and Cory, enjoying the solitude and peace that little haven offered me.

  The house was clean, Hayden was working, and between Sarah, him, and me, we’d somehow managed to find a routine to keep Cory with us so Hayden didn’t have to take him to work.

  He usually cooked, but if he didn’t, I did. I actually enjoyed buying groceries, planning meals, feeling as if I had a purpose.

  We were just like a little family. The only thing missing was us doing the deed. He hadn’t made a move on me, and I didn’t want to because he needed to be ready for a relationship.

  However, as calm as the last several days had been, they also put me on edge.

  “So, what are you doing this weekend, Katie?”

  Sarah came strolling up to the nurses station. She was in uniform, letting me know she was on duty.

  “Accident or fight?”

  She shrugged. “Fight. Needs stitches before I can take him back to the station. So… Weekend? Pl
aying family again?”

  Ever since this whole thing with Hayden and Cory had started, we’d gotten close, and as much as I appreciated having a friend, I also sometimes missed not having to justify my decisions to anybody.

  “I’m just helping him, Sarah.”

  She smirked. “You’re just falling in love with him a little more every day. Do you realize he’s, like…different?”

  Before she got involved with Knox, Sarah and Hayden had met a few times before…when he’d been drunk at a bar and someone had called Sarah to escort him home. Maybe he missed having bar nights, missed being his own person.

  Hell, there were too many things he could possibly miss.

  “He lost his best friend,” I stated. “Of course he’s different. What did you expect?”

  Her brows rose until they nearly vanished into her hairline. “You’re in denial. You have to have seen he’s changed during the last few days. What happened?” She gasped. “Did you two…?”

  I blushed. I couldn’t believe she’d implied that. “No. Jesus, woman.” I glanced around, making sure no one was listening.

  “What’s with the blush then?”

  I lowered my voice. “I want to, okay? Desperately, but I just don’t think I should until he makes the first move. Plus, how do I know he wouldn’t only sleep with me because he needs someone to make him feel less lonely?”

  Sarah shrugged. “Because he wanted you before and wasn’t man enough to ask you out. This is, like, perfect.” She frowned. “Besides Leah dying, that is. You two were meant to be together, and this just proves it. I’ve seen you two. You work seamlessly with Cory…and together. I mean… You know what I mean.”

  I did, or maybe I didn’t. We didn’t fight anymore, and whenever we did something, we worked together as if we’d never done anything else.

  “Yes, I do.” I rubbed my hand over my forehead, wondering if I should tell Sarah I was worried, but then one of my colleagues walked up and told her the suspect was ready to be discharged.

  She winked at me, then was gone, leaving me alone with my thoughts—and the determination to talk to Hayden and find out what was going on with him.

  * * *

  HAYDEN

  The lasagna was in the oven, the tiramisu in the fridge. I was surprised how well I’d managed to put it all together. Granted, the kitchen looked like a war zone, but I’d clean that up later.

  When I heard the key turn in the front door, glad I’d given Katie one, I made my way into the small hallway. She didn’t know it yet, but we had a quiet evening ahead of us.

  In fact, it was one of two for me. Tomorrow, I’d go to a bar with the guys—I hoped. It all hinged on Katie agreeing to watch Cory for a few hours.

  I missed not having a care in the world. Granted, even if I did go to the bar tomorrow, I knew I’d be thinking about Cory the whole time, but that didn’t mean I didn’t need to see my friends. Although I realized that was a pretty loose term, I needed it. Football, beer, and… Well, that was pretty much it because I didn’t need to look for anything else.

  I never thought Katie would fit so perfectly into my life. I’d wanted her in my arms and my bed, maybe even long-term, but Jesus. The woman calmed me like no one else did, keeping my demons at bay.

  I didn’t think she knew the impact she had on me, but I was set on seducing her—or, rather, be so charming she’d have no choice but to seduce me. It had to be her choice. If I’d start something, she’d just construe it as less than it was.

  “Hey, Katie,” I greeted her, loving the way she smiled at me.

  “A welcome by the door. I like it,” she replied while taking off her shoes, jacket, and scarf, then sniffed. “Have you been cooking?”

  I nodded and stepped closer. “I wanted to surprise you. Cory is at Dale’s, and unless he causes trouble, we have a night to ourselves.”

  Her eyes widened and she gave me an insecure smile. “Really? Why?”

  Such a fucking loaded question. One I wouldn’t answer.

  “How about we go eat first?” I asked instead. She slowly nodded.

  I was going to make amends with everyone, and Katie was my first stop.

  “You even set the table,” she whispered, spotting the candles I’d put on the coffee table in the living room. I figured it was less formal if we sat on the floor and maybe, just maybe, it would also give me an excuse to be closer to her.

  I nodded. “Yes, I did. I wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done for us so far.” I gestured to the table. “Do you want a glass of wine?”

  She blinked as she settled on the floor. “You bought wine?”

  “The clerk said it was a good one and that women usually went for white. However, I didn’t believe him and bought red, too.” I shrugged.

  She shook her head in wonder. “What are we having?”

  “Lasagna?” I posed it as a question, suddenly worried she wouldn’t like it.

  “It’s perfect. Then I’ll take the red, please.”

  I grabbed the bottle and poured her a glass, then walked into the kitchen, dished up the plates, and carried them to the table. I sat across from her, watching her in the soft candlelight.

  “What?” she asked, squinting at me. She clearly thought I was planning something. It was written all over her face. Maybe I was.

  “You look pretty with the soft candlelight on your face. Well, you always look pretty, but…” Jesus, this is the exact reason I’ve never flirted with her before. The moment I like a girl, I’m dumb as rocks. I cleared my throat. “Let me try again.” I inhaled deeply. “You look beautiful, Katie.”

  She smirked. “That sounds better.” She held out her glass. I realized I hadn’t brought anything back for me.

  “Um… Hold that thought,” I muttered and strode back into the kitchen, debating if I just wanted to grab a beer or… Fuck. This was supposed to be all romantic and shit. I poured myself some of the red, took a brief sniff, hoping it tasted better than it smelled, then went back and settled into my spot.

  “Now?” she asked, her eyes shining with amusement—and something else. Apprehension maybe? I decided to not worry about it right now.

  “Yes.” I raised my glass to hers. “To us. To you. To unwanted gifts.”

  She nodded slowly, giving me a smile, then she lifted the glass to her lips and took a sip.

  “Wow,” she praised.

  Even if I hated the wine, and I probably would, I still made a note to find the clerk and thank him for his suggestion.

  * * *

  KATIE

  The food was delicious, all the more so because Hayden had taken the time to prepare not only a main course, but also a dessert…and an incredible one, no less. It practically melted in my mouth.

  Once we were done, he cleared away the plates, leaving the bowls in case I wanted more dessert. And who knew. Maybe I did.

  I rested against the couch, twirling the wine glass in my hands. “I’m pretty sure you didn’t have these before,” I stated, and Hayden blushed.

  “Yeah… I might have bought those along with the wine.”

  Suicidal people don’t buy things, do they? While my initial thought was that this was a goodbye dinner, I didn’t think so anymore.

  He was attentive, and if I didn’t know better, I would have even assumed he was trying to charm me. After he had cleared the table, he sat next to me, and while we weren’t touching, he was turned toward me, his arm resting on the couch.

  Any other guy in any other situation, I’d be leaning in to kiss him, demand his attention, thank him for this thoughtful evening. But it wasn’t any other guy—and I wouldn’t want it any other way. He was exactly what I’d always wanted, and I knew that once we got over his weird behavior, we could be perfect.

  “What’s going on, Hayden?” I couldn’t decide what exactly I’d asked. Did I mean this evening? Did I mean overall? What?

  He held my gaze, clearly contemplating his answer, then he reached out and brushed a strand of hair b
ack from my face. I leaned into his touch and cupped his hand with mine, kissing his palm. I wanted him to understand that I desired more but wouldn’t push.

  “You have been my salvation, Katie. You dropped everything to be here, and I…I was an ass. Yet you came back and helped me time and time again. You still help me. I don’t know what I’d do without you. When I became a dad, I thought I’d have to figure everything out by myself, be a single dad.” His brows furrowed. “While I guess that’s true, what’s also true is that I wasn’t alone. At least when I didn’t push you away.” His voice got quiet. “I don’t deserve you, Katie. Never have, never will.”

  I swallowed. This sounded even more like a goodbye than anything he’d said before, and I blinked away tears. “That’s not true, Hay, and you know it,” I replied urgently, but he just smiled.

  “You just don’t see yourself the way I see you, Katie.”

  I leaned in to kiss him. “You deserve me, Hayden, because you’re amazing,” I whispered in-between kisses, relieved when his arms encircled me.

  He squeezed me tightly, kissing me back with vengeance and a hunger I hadn’t expected.

  “Katie…” My name was nothing more than a rough whisper leaving his lips, and I smiled to myself.

  “Right here, Hay. Right here.”

  And I was.

  Hell, for him, I always would be because I loved him. I didn’t know when exactly it had happened, but it had, and I was lost.

  Lost to the broken man sitting next to me.

  HAYDEN

  She was soft, yet fierce. Her kiss was demanding, her fingers fumbling for the hem of my shirt. I didn’t mind, stretching my arms above my head as she pulled it off me. She took a second to stare at my chest.

  “It’s different seeing you naked knowing I took these clothes off you.” She almost giggled. I drew her in until our lips were all but touching.