Heaven

by Rebecca Julia Lauren

  I loved her so much, but Cori was the kind of woman that needed everything and I couldn’t give that to her. Not now. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be ready. I liked my freedom, the stress-free lifestyle of having no one to answer to, and I couldn’t give that up, not even for Cori.

  “She’s lucky to have you.”

  Startled, I glanced over at Olivia. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “You didn’t. I was waiting on you. There’s something I needed to say to you.” She looked over at Cori, anxiously.

  Watching Cori sleep was one of my favorite things to do. Curled in a fetal position, with her chin propped on her fist, she made my heart ache. “She’s a sound sleeper.”

  Olivia’s gaze met mine. “You know more about my daughter than I do. I don’t need to tell you how much I’ve screwed up because you already know. Thank you for everything you’ve done for her.”

  I looked away, uncomfortable with the thanks I clearly did not deserve. Unable to stay a moment longer, I nodded curtly at Olivia. “I’m glad you’re feeling better.” Then I took off and didn’t look back.

  The next day I knocked on Cori’s door, knowing I couldn’t put off talking to her any longer. My chest tightened at the sight of her. She looked good in a white cotton sundress and sandals with her hair pulled back into a loose ponytail.

  I smiled, really glad to see her. “It’s getting lighter.”

  “You’re not here to talk about my hair, Jase.” She stepped aside. “Come in. Let’s get this over with.”

  I came inside, not sure what to make of her no-nonsense tone. She had to be pissed at me, but I saw not even a hint of upset on her beautiful face. Cori seemed calm, resigned, as if she knew what was going to happen and had already moved on.

  “Do you want something to drink or are you in a hurry?” she asked, her voice hollow.

  “I’m not in hurry, but I don’t need anything to drink.”

  “I meant coffee or tea.”

  I shook my head. She sighed.

  We both sat down on the couch, far apart, not touching. The tension was thick in the air. It occurred to me that I’d never been so uncomfortable around Cori.

  “I hear Olivia is going into rehab. That’s good.”

  She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “It is. I think she’s finally ready to get help.”

  I nodded. “You look good.”

  “Do I?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Stop it, Jase. I thought I could do this—“ she waved her hand between us, clearly upset. “But the small talk and pretending everything’s fine is too much. If you can’t say it, I’ll do it for you. I already know why you’re here.”

  “Cori, I don’t want to hurt you—“

  She jumped up, her eyes flashing with emotion. “You are hurting me! This is hurting me so please just say it.”

  Tears filled her eyes and I felt like someone had kicked me in the chest. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move or talk.

  “You’re breaking up with me,” she said flatly.

  “No,” I said quickly, dragging in a shaky breath. “I just don’t think we should sleep together anymore.”

  She seemed to brace herself for my words. Closing her eyes, she let it sink in. “It’s because I told you I loved you.”

  I felt like I was being torn apart. “I know you didn’t mean it, but things are getting complicated and I think we should end it while we can still be friends.”

  She glanced away but not before I caught the sheen of tears in her eyes. “I meant it, Jase. I’m in love with you. I’m sorry that you don’t want that.” She brushed away the tears that rolled down her cheeks. “Give me some time. Once I’ve dealt with everything, I’ll try to be your friend again.”

  I couldn’t stand it anymore. I reached for Cori, but she moved away. Kneeling before her, I took her hands in mine. “Please, Cori. You have to understand how much you mean to me.”

  She wouldn’t look at me. “You should go now.”

  “I can’t give you the commitment you need. I wish to God that I could. There’s no one else I’d rather be with more than you.” My voice actually shook.

  “Jase, please. Just go.” Her voice broke, and she began to tremble. “If you care about me at all, turn around and go. I can’t take much more.”

  I stood up slowly, and turned. It was difficult to see through the blur of tears, and I was shocked to discover they were my own.

  “I do love you, Cori.” I walked away, out of her life, and as the door shut behind me, I heard her say with soft finality, “Goodbye Jase.”

  Chapter 21

  Cora

  After Jase left I kept thinking he’d come back, but he didn’t. In the weeks that followed, I’d expected him to call but he didn’t do that either. I was shocked and heartbroken, because I’d thought he’d suddenly realize that he loved me as much as I loved him.

  Looking back I think I was in love with Jase almost from the beginning. It took a week of incredible sex and a fake engagement to make me see what had been obvious to everyone but Jase and I. We belonged together. Now, if only Jase would come around the two of us could start our life together. Too bad things weren’t that simple. I figured there was probably a better chance of me winning the lottery.

  I had to pick up the pieces of my heart, duct tape the little suckers together and pretend I was okay. If I didn’t, my friends were probably going to arrange an intervention and I would definitely lose Jase as a friend. Since I was the one to tell him to leave, it was up to me to let him know when I was ready to continue our friendship.

  Deciding on a plan that started with getting out of the house and ended with me dating other guys, I was determined to do whatever it took to fill the hollow ache in my heart.

  Days slipped by, then weeks. Gradually, I got better. Every night when the pain seemed overwhelming and the void endless, I played the violin until my fingers ached and my pain eased.

  Ironically, the darkest and the most wonderful times of my life were happening simultaneously. While I was trying to get over my love for Jase, Olivia was getting better every day. For the first time in my life she was serious about wanting to heal, and the rehab had turned her into a different person, someone that could love me.

  She even looked like a different person. Her gaunt, sunken cheeks had filled out, the dark circles beneath her eyes faded, and her brown hair began to gain luster. Olivia was healthy and pretty. She wasn’t allowed visitors, but she called me when she could. We still had a long way to go, but at least we were finally moving in the right direction.

  “You look sexy. Now that the red is back, green is absolutely your color,” Amber said, snapping me out of my reverie.

  I planted my hands on my hips, and looked into the mirror, admiring the off the shoulder, sheer green blouse with emerald tank underneath. “I like it a lot. What color jewelry should I wear with it?”

  “Gold,” Amber and Isabelle answered together.

  “I can’t believe you’ve turned Cora into a shopper. Ellie and I have been trying to do that for years.” Isabelle seemed impressed, and smiled at Amber.

  “Where’s Aaron taking you?” Ellie asked.

  I turned and looked at my three friends. “It’s not a date. We’re just going to hang out, listen to music and drink a couple of beers. Don’t start planning the wedding.”

  “It would be okay if it was a date,” Isabelle said pointedly. “It’s been three weeks since—“ She stopped suddenly, her gaze flying to mine.

  “It’s been three weeks since I’ve seen Jase. You can say his name. I’m not going to fall apart and start bawling.” I held back a smile and added, “It’s been at least two days since I’ve done that.”

  An uncomfortable silence followed my comment. Isabelle’s gaze flickered over me cautiously, like she thought I might be serious.

  “Oh, come on I’m only joking. Ya’ll know me better than that.”

  “You don’t have to pretend with us,” Ellie sai
d quietly. “That’s what best friends are for. Before Reed and I got together, you were my safety net when everything was going wrong.”

  “Same here,” Isabelle added. “I might not even be married to Hunter if it wasn’t for you. We want to be here for you Cora just like you were for us.”

  I had the best friends in the whole state, no the whole world. “It still hurts, but I’m slowly getting used to the way things have to be. I don’t want to lose Jase as a friend.”

  Isabelle smiled. “You have a good attitude, but if you get tired of being strong you know you can count on us.”

  “Thanks for not saying ‘I told you so’.”

  Shaking her head, she shot me ‘no way’ look. “I wouldn’t do that. What kind of friend do you think I am?”

  “The kind whose advice I should listen to.”

  “Yeah, well. Don’t forget that.”

  “So, are we ready to shop till we drop?” I laughed.

  “Absolutely. Bring on the sales.” Amber flashed a big smile. Ellie and Isabelle agreed.

  Later that afternoon, I sat sipping ice cold beer from a bottle and listening to the live band play country music songs that made me want to either get up and dance or cry. Amber and I had stopped to listen to the band before going home.

  “Have you ever noticed that crying your heart out to a country music ballad makes you feel better?” I asked, taking a drink of my longneck.

  “It’s cheaper than therapy,” Amber agreed, sipping water.

  I shifted uneasily, wishing I’d have thought about what I was doing. It hadn’t escaped my notice that over the last few weeks Amber had stopped drinking alcohol, even beer, and I should be sensitive to what she was going through.

  Tilting her head, Amber shot me a knowing look. “Cora, don’t stop drinking because of me. You’re having a good time and you should be able to have a few beers without worrying about me. I promise I won’t tackle you and steal your beer.”

  “Sorry.” I wasn’t sure what else to say so I changed the subject. “You think it will be crowded tonight.”

  “I doubt Jase will be here tonight. Ellie mentioned that Reed said he hasn’t been going out much.”

  “She didn’t tell me that. Guess she thought the mention of his name would freak me out.”

  “Yeah, well. She was probably worried with your crying fits and all,” Amber joked.

  I wondered what Jase was doing, if he was drinking because of me and if he missed me at all. “He’s probably afraid of running into me.”

  Amber looked wary. “I don’t think so.”

  She knew something. I sighed. “Tell me.”

  Amber was staring down at her napkin folding it as many times as she could, but she glanced up when I spoke. “He’s been drinking a lot. Reed sent him home from work several times. The last time he told Jase not to come back until he gets his shit together.”

  That didn’t sound like Jase at all. For all his partying and playboy ways, I’d never seen him drunk. He was such a hard worker that I couldn’t wrap my mind around Reed having to send him home. Jase would never jeopardize the business that meant everything to him.

  “You think I should call him?”

  “Maybe you should ask Ellie or Isabelle.”

  “I’m asking you Amber.”

  She looked at me as if I’d paid her the highest compliment. “Take care of yourself, Cora. Jase made the decision to end things with you. If he’s having trouble dealing with the aftermath, Jase is a big boy and he can take care of himself.”

  “You’re right.” For the first time in weeks, I was feeling good again and I didn’t want to ruin it by messing with a wound that hadn’t completely healed.

  We were just about to go when I heard a voice that had my heart skipping a beat.

  “Cora? Is that you?”

  I turned and my gaze landed on a tall, gorgeous guy that looked like he’d stepped off a firefighter’s calendar and right up to our table. Amber’s expression looked as thunderstruck as I felt.

  Blinking, I focused on the guy’s familiar face.

  “It’s me, Carter.” He flashed a smile and I saw several women staring at him as he stepped up to our table.

  “Carter?” I stood up suddenly, and the guy who’d been my first boyfriend folded his arms around me, holding me close. “It’s good to see you again,” I told him.

  “It’s been a long time. How’ve you been?”

  “Good. I’m back home working at Station 5.” His gaze slid down me, appreciatively. “You look great.”

  He was a firefighter, like his dad. “Thanks. So do you.” I turned to Amber, and introduced them. Carter smiled politely at Amber before his attentive gaze snapped back to mine.

  “Are you married?” he asked suddenly.

  “No.” I was startled and more than a little thrilled at his interest.

  “Seeing anyone?”

  I hesitated. “No.”

  His slow grin made my heart flutter. “Good.” He looked suddenly worried, as if wondering whether he might have come on too strong. I thought it was charming. “What I meant was maybe we can get together sometime and catch up.”

  I thought of Jase, even as I told Carter, “I’d like that.”

  His eyes held mine. “So would I, Cora.”

  My stomach turned, but it wasn’t a light, fluttery feeling of desire like what happened whenever Jase looked at me. It was more of a sick, oh-holy-shit, what in the hell am I doing feeling.

  I was still in love with Jase, but he didn’t want me anymore. Sitting around waiting for him to change his mind and realize how much he cared for me wasn’t going to help me get over him. If I wanted to get to the point where I could be Jase’s friend, then I needed to get over him.

  I’d go out with Carter and see what happened.

  We exchanged numbers. When he was gone Amber’s jaw dropped and her eyes sparkled. “Who is that guy?”

  “That’s Carter.”

  “I don’t mean his name, although I think it would make a cool tattoo. How do you know him and when are you going to use that number?”

  “He was my boyfriend back in high school. We broke off when he went away to college.”

  “Parts of me are still tingling from when he shook my hand. How could you have held on to your virginity while dating him?”

  He didn’t make me feel like Jase did. Jeez, I was going to have to stop thinking about him. “If you want I can give Carter your number.”

  “I think he’s into you, girl. Your rebound hunk has just arrived.”

  I shrugged. “I’m sure he’ll love that description.”

  “Go out with him. As soon as you use that number, call me.”

  I told Amber I would. When I got home I showered, played my violin and debated about calling Carter. It was too soon. But I wanted to talk to him again. Picking up my phone, I punched his number and hit call before I could change my mind.

  He answered on the first ring.

  Jase

  I missed Cori.

  I kept seeing the tears in her eyes and the heartbroken expression on her beautiful face just before she told me goodbye.

  It had taken me three weeks to realize that I didn’t want to live without her. I had to be the biggest dumbass alive not to have known it before. Cori wasn’t just the cool friend that was fun to hang out with, she was the one I went to when I needed someone to make me smile, the person I confided in, trusted, and loved. She was everything, and I’d been in love with her so long that I’d gotten used to the feeling without recognizing what it was.

  Cori was the most loyal and forgiving person I knew, but I was still going to work my ass off to make up for betraying her. There’d been no other women after Cori. I hadn’t physically cheated on her, but I hadn’t been there when she’d needed me, and I felt like shit about that. I was willing to spend the rest of my life making it to her.

  How exactly I’d make things right for Cori, I had no idea. It was going to take more than flowers and
an apology to fix three weeks of me acting like an asshole. Since I didn’t have a clue what it would take, I picked up the phone and called her, determined to find out.

  “Hi, Jase.”

  My whole body reacted to the sound of her voice. She sounded normal, as if the last three weeks hadn’t happened. I swallowed nervously, searching for the right words.

  “Jase, are you there?”

  “I’m here. How are you?” I wished I could take back that stupid question, but it was already out there.

  “Busy.” She whispered something to someone, and I heard a guy’s voice. “Hey, can I call you back later? I’m in the middle of something, but we can catch up later.”

  She sounded cheerful and happy. It was difficult to breath. “Sure.”

  “Okay, great. It’s good to talk to you again.”

  “Yeah, same here.”

  I reached for the bottle I’d kept inside my desk. Not bothering to get a glass, I tipped it to my mouth, but before I drank I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the computer monitor. What I saw stopped me cold. I hurled the bottle as hard as I could against the wall, hearing it shatter into pieces.

  Cori didn’t call me back that day or the next.

  If I hadn’t changed my mind at the last minute and decided to go to Shooter’s with the guys, I wouldn’t have seen her. That would have been merciful, but then again I didn’t deserve mercy. The moment she walked in I was aware of her and the guy that didn’t leave her side.

  I don’t think she knew I was here. Her attention was focused on some guy I didn’t recognize. She was smiling up at him, laughing when he whispered something in her ear.

  “That’s Carter.”

  I glanced over at Ellie and tried to smile, but I felt dead inside. “How long has she been seeing him?”

  “Not long. But he was her high school boyfriend.” She paused, seeming to wait for my reaction to this news.

  “He was her boyfriend.” Well, fuck. “It must not have been serious,” I said, thinking of Cori’s virginity.

  Ellie was watching me closely. “They were close. She was heartbroken when he went away to college.”