A Lover's Secret

by Bloom, Bethany

  Jess nodded and stood, plucking her clothes from the riverbank.

  “It wasn’t the horse’s fault we were out here, Jess,” he said, not taking his eyes from her naked form. “It was mine.”

  “True.” Jess laughed and shrugged. Whoever this new person was, the one now inhabiting her body, wild and free and unafraid, she liked her. She hoped she would stay. “Where were you taking me, anyway?”

  “Oh, it’s quite the oasis. Would you like to see?”

  “No,” she replied quickly. “I think I want to go back to the cottage. And get into bed with you.” Her eyes flashed. “I mean, I liked the rocks and the bushes and all, but rose petals might be better.”

  He burst up and grabbed her by the waist, and they made love once again by the river. And afterward, as they lay and waited for their breathing to even, for their muscles to regain their strength, to stop their quivering, his voice went very quiet. “I haven’t been completely honest with you, Jess.”

  She held her breath. Here it comes…

  “When I saw your brother’s name, your family name, on the wedding invitation, I knew I had to see you. I felt a desperation. A sense that you could change me somehow. A sense that you could give me something that I needed.” He rolled on top of her once again, bracing himself on the ground with his elbows, and holding his face just above hers. “I couldn’t know, then, how much you would give me. I didn’t know then how much this would change me.” He swept his lashes across her cheek, and then he lay his head just to the side of hers, face down, against her neck, and she could feel the warmth and the moisture against her neck and she knew that he was weeping and she didn’t know what to say and so she simply absorbed the moment into her memory, whole and complete, and just as it was, because she knew she would need to bring it back, again and again and again, intact and just this way and, for the first time in her life, she did not feel afraid of what might happen next.

  After a time, they slowly stood, and they dressed and he bent to pick up a pair of stones from the earth. The stones were small, each no larger than a penny, and obsidian black but mottled, too, in places, with a cloudy matrix, as if smoke had crystallized against them. Jake held them out in his tightly cupped palm, as though they were living and might scamper away.

  “Do you know what these are?” he asked.

  She shook her head and he took her hand in his, and he pushed one of the stones into the center of her palm. He closed her fingers, tight, and clasped his hand over hers. “They are Apache tears.” He was silent for a moment, then, “When the Apaches were fighting, fighting for their way of life, there was a battle in which they were so outnumbered by the cavalry that they knew defeat was certain and so, to avoid capture, to avoid the end of that life, they leapt out. They rode their horses, straight off the mountainside. They would not be captured. They would not be tortured. And when the children and the wives of these warriors heard tale of the tragedy, they sank to the ground and the tears that fell to the soil turned instantly to the blackest stone.”

  He squeezed at her closed fist. “Hold this always, Jess. And don’t forget me.” His voice was nearly a whisper, and his hand trembled around hers. “Don’t forget this day.”

  She opened her mouth to tell him that of course she would never forget him. That she could never forget this day. This day when the sky had ripped her open and the rain had christened her someone new and the river had purged her inhibitions and her fear. That she had been the one to leap out, straight off the mountainside, and that she felt dead now to the life that had gone on just before. But he placed his fingertip on the seam of her lips and peered into her eyes. After a time, silently, they mounted Jake’s horse and this is the way they made their way back along the high desert, the way they had come.

  ***

  Jake

  All that night, and into the next day, they savored one another. Jake lost count of how many times they made love. Jess was every bit as insatiable as he somehow knew she would be. Somehow he knew, had always known, that once she had opened up, once she had unleashed the hunger inside; once she had discovered the wonders and the glory of her perfect body, her pulsing, responsive flesh, there would be no going back.

  He laughed to himself. Jess had discovered something else that she excelled at, and he loved that he had been a part of that. This was something historic and tremendous and earth-shaking; something she would enjoy for years and years to come, and the very idea brought him a profound sense of satisfaction. And, for now, today, he explored every inch of her divine form, and he tried to push away the knowledge that it could not, would not, last. For it was nearly time.

  Ten

  Jess

  How was it possible to be so filled with life? Each moment pulsed with exhilaration. Her skin throbbed with anticipation, then satisfaction. She felt no fear; only expansiveness, elation, exuberance. She didn’t know that life—that her experience of time on this earth—could ever be this rich. Each muscle felt loose and stretched, as though it had been caged for many, many years and now was able to uncoil and sway.

  A sigh from the other side of the bed. It was morning now. Had she slept? And why did she suddenly have no need to?

  “We have to go back today,” he said, low.

  “When, exactly?”

  “I’ll check with Margot.” He took his phone in hand, from the bedside table. He blinked and rubbed his eyes as he composed a text message.

  She wanted to ask him why they had to go. Why they couldn’t stay forever, but she knew he wouldn’t tell her the truth. He wouldn’t tell her what he was hiding, and when he wouldn’t tell her, she would begin to wonder and to worry, and it would ruin the way she felt just this moment, so she stayed quiet.

  After a time, a kiss landed softly on her cheek and his eyes loomed, large and reflective, above her.

  “Jess—” She shifted her gaze to his mouth, to his lips, then back to his eyes, which were deeper and darker than she remembered. She could see him taking in all of her, the fan of her hair on the pillow, her face in the morning light. “Do you ever get the sense that we’ve loved before?” he asked.

  His expression was pensive and earnest, and her lips turned up in response. He went on, speaking faster now. “I need you to understand how I feel about you, Jess. It goes beyond anything I’ve ever felt before. It’s as though I am suddenly complete. As though a part of me had been floating off, somewhere in the unknown, for the past twenty-six years, and it’s back to me. It’s as if I’m whole again, in a way I never have been in this lifetime. I’m filled up. Filled up with you, and I can’t imagine a day. A moment. Without you.”

  How could she tell him she felt the same way? Her words never came out quite as eloquently as his, but a simple “Me too” wouldn’t do. How could she tell him that she never imagined a love or a life like this? That just lying in bed next to him made her feel as though nothing could stop her or touch her or threaten her again. As though she were finally living, finally alive.

  “Move in with me,” he said.

  She looked him full in the face. His jaw was set in a hard line; his brow resolute, unflinching.

  “What about Elizabeth?”

  He scowled. “What about her? Jess, she doesn’t even live in the main house. You won’t even know she’s there. You’ll be in my bed. Far away from her.”

  Why wouldn’t he tell her what was really going on; what Elizabeth was to him, if not a lover?

  “Come live with me,” he repeated, more urgently this time. “I can’t imagine another moment without you. I don’t think I can live without you.”

  Even as he said the words, she could see a pulling in his face; a retreat, as though he was saying things he did not mean; as though he were saying things he feared he would regret. And yet he kept talking, talking.

  “I want everyone to know we’re together,” he said with rising intensity and pitch. “I want to shout it from the rooftops. I want to write again. I want to go back to L.A. and sit on the be
ach and write about you. About your face, your lips, your nose, your legs. Your warmth. Your breasts.”

  “Please don’t write about those.” She laughed.

  “No, okay. But I want to write about how no man should ever give up on his dreams, because I didn’t. I found you. I found that ’Girl from the Hallway.” At last. And no matter how amazing I imagined her to be, she was better. More radiant, more sexy, more….everything. Absolutely everything.” Jess watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down. “Say you’ll move in with me, Jess. Just say it.”

  “Of course.” The answer flowed from her lips, like water down a mountainside, like a stream coursing through her. One that she no longer cared to bank or to levee. Of course they would be together. She didn’t need to over-think it. They would make love every morning and every evening until the end of their days. Her breath caught in her throat. How natural and good it felt to be so free-flowing, so fluid. So molten and powerful and igneous and glowing. She giggled out loud, thinking of herself this way.

  She stood then, and she felt him watching her as she swayed toward the bathroom. She tossed her hair in the way she knew he liked, and she heard his low, soft groan. Then she turned sideways to show her full profile, and she knew her breasts blossomed from her form in a way that made him tingle with desire, and she paused a moment before stepping entirely behind the door.

  As she turned the silver handles in the shower, she readied herself for him to join her there under the stream, under the deluge, once again. She lathered her hair and she let the rush of water encompass her, and she watched and waited for the curtain to snap back. For him to come in, the devilish look in his eye as he cupped her breasts, as he pushed the power of his body against hers.

  But he didn’t come in, and so after a time, she shut off the water and she dried herself, and then she walked, one foot crossing seductively in front of the other, to where he lay on the bed. His face looked unsure, nearly dismal, but when he noticed her, his expression changed. Suddenly, he was Book Jacket Jake again, and she recognized that he had chosen a new face for himself. That cool, sure, practiced smile. She knew it well by now. The face she didn’t know was the other one. Her stomach clenched.

  He raised himself from the bed, and then he moved past her, and she turned to watch him. His thick, muscular shoulders. His back, smooth as granite and etched with strength. He might be complex, she thought, and he might have a secret or two. But he was hers. She breathed deeply. No matter what, he was hers.

  He hadn’t closed the door behind him and she could hear the shower starting now. Desire curved her mouth. Perhaps she would pay him a visit. She would give him a moment, and then she’d slide in next to him. She’d let him take her again, against the marble.

  A deep vibrating sound jarred Jess from her fantasy. It was just Jake’s phone, on his bedside table. His ringer was always off, and he never left his phone just sitting out. Elizabeth’s photo caught Jess’s eye. Her warm, expansive smile, a perfectly oval frame to her perfect teeth. Beneath her face, a bubble of text.

  She could hear Jake, still, in just the next room, the water running, and the phone vibrated again, and she found that she couldn’t help herself. Just a quick glance. She pounced across the bed to look closer at Elizabeth’s message to him.

  “We need u to go in for at least 2 days. Immediately. This is non-negotiable. If Jess is coming, tell her before it’s too late.”

  Tell Jess what?

  And then Jake was calling to her from inside the shower. What if this was her only chance to find out what was really going on? Her heart thumped in her ears. She sat now and flopped her legs over Jake’s side of the bed, so she was sitting just next to the bedside table, where his phone sat, daring her to pick it up. His secret might be right here. One swipe away.

  She turned from the phone, and she tried to stand, to move away. But an instant later, she had scooped his phone in both hands. She scrabbled at the screen, swiping at the text message, desperate to view the entire conversation.

  Her hands were shaking, and the phone squeezed from her palm and landed with a bounce on the rug.

  “Jess?” he called again, in a singsong. “You really should come in here.”

  But this was her chance. She bent to retrieve the phone and the display blared a series of texts from this morning, beginning about ten minutes ago. While she was in the shower.

  Jake: “I love her.”

  Jess felt a rising deep inside her. Of course he did. She knew that he did.

  Elizabeth: “Then u have to tell her.”

  He had told her. He had told her that he loved her. No secret there. A wave of shame passed over her. Shame at snooping, at not trusting. Her eyes flicked toward the open bathroom door. Steam scattered into the room. She leaned to place the phone back on the table and, without entirely meaning to, she read the next text.

  Jake: “That’s not your business. Not your job.”

  Elizabeth: “As a human being, you can’t keep a secret this big from someone you love. It will catch up with you. It will ruin everything.”

  A secret this big? Jess’s heart seemed to freeze, then pound.

  Jake: “It will be ruined anyway.”

  And then the latest. The one that had just chimed in.

  Elizabeth: “We need u to go in for at least 2 days. Immediately. This is non-negotiable. If Jess is coming, tell her before it’s too late.”

  “Jess?” Jake called again. “Are you coming? Seriously. I want you. I need you. Right now. Come to me.”

  Jess’s hands trembled and her mind raced. She set the phone on the bedside table and cleared the display with a push of the home button. What did Jake need to do? Where did he need to go? And what was he going to do with her, for the next two days, if he didn’t take her along? If he refused to tell her the truth? Jake called to her again, but she was breathing hard. Too hard. He would know something was wrong.

  She rose and pushed the door open to the outside, to the grotto. He would think she’d been out of earshot during his calls. Her mind raced. Why didn’t he just tell her the truth? What kind of trouble was he in? What could possibly have the power to ruin everything?

  Before long, Jake wandered out, naked and rubbing at his damp head with a towel.

  Jess forced a smile. “I was just looking for any last things,” she said, “You know…swimsuit tops, whatever, that you might have ripped off me and tossed into the shrubbery.”

  “Oh,” he said, his face flat. “I was kind of hoping for a last bang in the shower.”

  His euphemisms, which last night had been so sexy, which had created a raw heat deep in the center of her, now made her feel cheap. Lied to.

  “Everything okay?” he asked.

  “Of course.” Her tone felt too bright, and he watched her for a moment before turning his back and disappearing into the dim light of the cottage.

  “Hey Jess,” he called, his voice suddenly fast, sharp. “Have you seen my phone? I thought I took it in to the bathroom with me, but I guess I didn’t.”

  “Haven’t seen it…”

  “Oh, um, never mind. It’s okay. It’s right here. Got it.”

  There was a long pause. She stood, staring at the cliff face, imagining him reading Elizabeth’s last text. Formulating his response. If he comes out here and says, “Move in with me, but wait a couple of days”... Heat flushed through her body.

  “You know,” Jake said, and she turned to watch him approach, her eyes narrow. He slid his phone into his pocket. “You’ve been through a lot this weekend. You should take the next couple of days and go someplace nice.”

  “Yeah? Where?” Her eyes flashed. “Where would we go?”

  “Well, I can’t go. I have to go back to Los Angeles. But you could go somewhere. Any spa in the world. Treat yourself.”

  “What happened to me going home with you?” She tried to keep the edge from her voice.

  “Oh, well that’s what I want. Of course. I just… I have a lot of work to do,
and I worry that you will be bored. I worry that you won’t have enough to do because I’ll have to be… working so much.”

  “Didn’t you say your work, right now, involved writing on the beach? I’ll come with you. I’ll sun in the sand, right next to you.”

  He chuckled and shook his head. “Sometimes, that’s all my work is. But the next few days will be a different type of work. I have a lot to do, actually. You know, getting your money wired. Catching up on some other business.”

  He wasn’t going to tell her. He was just going to try to get rid of her for a couple of days. He was just going to avoid her, while he did whatever she wasn’t supposed to know about. An image of Elizabeth flashed through her mind, then. Her tall, lean body. Her perfect breasts. Her smile. The confident way she looked Jess up and down.

  “Well,” Jess said, finally. “I wouldn’t mind just hanging out in bed, waiting for you to come home.” If he insisted on lying to her, she wasn’t going to make it easy on him. “Unless there’s something you aren’t telling me.”

  His eyes narrowed and his jaw set into a tight line. “Like what?”

  “I just don’t see what could have happened, all of a sudden, this morning, that changed your mind about me coming home with you.” Her voice shook. Should she just tell him she looked at his phone? That she read his texts? “You’re the one who is always saying there is no time to waste in this life,” she continued. “So let’s start our life together right now.”

  He took a step to the side then, and he moved so he was standing behind her, close, and he cupped his hands on her breasts. “But aren’t there some items you need?” he asked. “Your clothes? Your things? Your phone? I’ve been feeling kind of terrible for ripping you away the way I did…ripping you away from your family and your entire world, really, on such short notice.”

  He squeezed her breasts and pressed against her back so she could feel the hardness of his arousal. His breath trailed along her neck. He certainly knew what he was doing. He knew her weakness. He knew how to use it against her, to distract her, to disarm her, to make her stop asking questions. “Go home,” he whispered, his breath hot in her ear. “Gather your things. We can take separate flights even. Then you can drive your car out to L.A. as soon as you can, and, by the time you get there, I’ll be all yours again.”