About the Authors
Dr. Michael I. Bennett, educated at both Harvard College and Harvard Medical School, is a board-certified psychiatrist, a Canadian, and a Red Sox fan. While he’s worked in every aspect of his field from hospital administration to managed care, his major interest is his private practice, which he’s been running for almost thirty years. The author of F*ck Feelings with his daughter Sarah Bennett, he lives with his wife in Boston and New Hampshire.
Sarah Bennett has written for magazines, the Internet, television, and books. She also spent two years writing for a monthly sketch comedy show at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York City. When not living by her philosophy of “will write for food,” Sarah walks her dog, watches Red Sox games, and avoids eye contact with other humans. Somehow, she lives in New Hampshire and works in New York.
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Index
A note about the index: The pages referenced in this index refer to the page numbers in the print edition. Clicking on a page number will take you to the ebook location that corresponds to the beginning of that page in the print edition. For a comprehensive list of locations of any word or phrase, use your reading system’s search function.
abuse, 71, 73, 126
divorce and, 198
achievement, 172–73
addiction, xviii, 75–76
see also alcohol abuse; drug addiction
advertising, 27
aging, 23, 74, 75
beauty and, xix, 41, 42–43, 46, 47
alcohol abuse, xviii, 74, 76, 129
sense of humor and, 122, 129, 131–32
Allen, Woody, 196
alone, 43
being, xxi, xxiii
dying, 19, 22–23
see also loneliness
Amex, 14
anger, 5, 6, 7, 68–69, 73, 104, 133, 164
divorce and, 198
going to bed angry, 71, 84, 106–7
anxiety, 32–33, 112, 117, 125
apologies, 100–101
appearance, see attractiveness; physical appearance and attributes
asking what’s wrong, 95
Asperger’s and autism spectrum, 184–85, 186, 188
asshole behavior, xix
Assholes, 15, 73
con men, 18, 21–22
emotionality of, 73
falling for, 77–78
use of term, 77
attraction, mutual, see mutual attraction
attractiveness:
humor and, 125
quiz for rating yourself on, 35–38
see also beauty; physical appearance and attributes
aunt, wretched, xvii
Austen, Jane, 109, 201, 202
autism spectrum and Asperger’s, 184–85, 186, 188
baby, deciding on having, 230–33
background check, see detective work
backpacking, 136
bad boys, 58
bad luck, xx, 26, 172, 228
base jumping, xi
beauty, xiv, xix, 27–52, 171, 176
advantages of, 30
aging and, xix, 41, 42–43, 46, 47
appearance improvement techniques, pros and cons of, 44–45
backlash against, 41–42
comparisons and, 34
examples of, 31–34, 40–43, 46–50
friends and, 40, 42
good things you want from, 29
having, 39–43
jealousy and, 31, 33–34
loneliness and, 42
long-term relationships and, 43
looks/personality discrepancy and, 38–39
marriage and, 45–52
obsession with, 31–32, 34, 48–50, 52
occupations and, 30
overvaluing, 27, 176
physical attributes associated with, 29–30
power of, 27
quiz on, 35–38
recognizing your response to, 52
red flags and, 30
seeking, 30–34
therapy and, 43, 45, 49
traits associated with, 29–30
what attracts you first, 30
what to look for, what to achieve, and what not to be fooled by, 52
behavior, character vs., 198
Bennett, Michael I., xiii, xv
mental hospital experience of, 51
BFAs, 190
blame, in apologies, 100–101
bonding, 25
book smart but socially stupid, 184–85
borderline personality disorder, 72
boredom:
charismatic people and, 2
in marriage, 19, 45, 46, 73–74, 75, 102, 105
Boston, public transit in, xi
boundaries, 145
family and, 139, 144, 145
money and, 202–3
brain, 172
brains, see intelligence
breaking up, 53, 69, 79, 225
flowchart for making decision on, 167–70
parents and, 154, 156–57
British royal family, 228
Bull Durham, 186, 187
bullshit, xx, 4–5, 28, 83–84
see also Truth, or Bullshit?
business/management approach to relationships, x–xvi
butterfly stage, xix
Carrot Top, 133
cats, xxii, 217–18, 220
cell phone, xvi, 12, 53
challenges, as test of relationship, 135–36
character, xii, xiii, 91, 138
behavior vs., 198
detective work in determining, see detective work
intelligence and, 175, 176–77
sense of humor and, 112–13, 116, 133–34
tests of, xiv–xv
wealth and, 217, 219, 220
charisma, xiv, 1–24
as addictive, 19, 20
antisocial partner and, 18, 20–21
in con men, 18, 21–22
dangers of, 1, 6–7, 11
examples of, 4–7, 13–16, 17–22
flirting and, 5–6, 12, 16, 18
friendships and, 15–16
good things you want from, 3
having, 12–16
high-risk personality traits and, 6–7
infidelity and, 20
marriage and, 17–24
occupations and, 3
physical attributes and, 3
pickiness and, 16
quiz on, 7–10
rating your partner on scale of, 11–12
red flags and, 3–4
remedies for lack of, 17
secondhand, 2
seeking, 4–7
susceptibility to, 2
traits associated with, 3–4
what attracts you first, 3
what to look for, what to achieve, and what not to be fooled by, 24
cheese, xxiv
chemistry, 28, 38, 39, 55–78, 99, 177, 226
bad relationships and, 58, 59–60
controlling, 56
examples of, 58–62, 68–71, 73–77
family and,
143, 145
good things you want from, 57
having, 67–71
marriage and, 73–78
occupations and, 57
permaflirts and, 66–67
physical attributes and, 57
power of, 56
quiz on, 62–65
red flags in, 58, 72–73
seeking, 58–62
sexual, see sex and sexual chemistry
therapy and, 60
traits associated with, 57–58
weak, 59, 60–61
what attracts you first, 57–58
what to look for, what to achieve, and what not to be fooled by, 78
children:
deciding on having, 230–33
see also parenthood
“chopped liver” feeling, 6
Cliff Clavin syndrome, 177
Clinton, Bill, 19
Clinton, Hillary Rodham, 19, 20
clothing, 17, 45
chemistry and, 60, 61
footwear, 109, 110
madras golf pants, 158
sense of humor and, 113–14
comedians, professional, 122–23, 127–28
Comic Con, 25–26
commitment, xii, 16, 22
see also marriage
common goals, xiv
beauty and, 52
charisma and, 24
chemistry and, 78
communication and, 108
family and, 166
intelligence and, 197
sense of humor and, 134
wealth and, 229
common interests, xiv, 28, 70
beauty and, 52
charisma and, 24
chemistry and, 78
communication and, 108
family and, 166
intelligence and, 197
sense of humor and, 134
wealth and, 229
common sense, 172
communication, xiv, 70, 83–108
apologies, 100–101
criticism, 103, 104–5, 164
dark side of, 83–84
examples of, 87–91, 95–99, 102–6
and expectations about relationship, 96, 97–98
good, 95–99
good things you want from, 85
honesty in, 53, 54, 103
intimacy and, 84, 86
lack of, 103, 105–6
marriage and, 102–7
misunderstandings, 96, 98
of negative feelings, 84–85
occupations and, 86
partnership and, 96–97, 99
physical attributes and, 86
quiz on, 91–94
red flags and, 86
seeking, 86–91
traits associated with people with good skills in, 86
undercommunicators, 88, 90–91, 95
what attracts you first, 86
what to look for, what to achieve, and what not to be fooled by, 107–8
companionship, xxiii
competitiveness, 112
intelligence and, 175–76, 178
confidence, 31–32, 41, 95
appearance and, 32, 39, 44
permaflirts and, 66
con men, 18, 21–22
connecting too easily, 25
cosmetic surgery, 44, 45
courtship, 47, 75
Craigslist, 75, 79
creditors, xvi, xvii, xviii
criticism, 103, 104–5, 164
cultural differences, 139
Curry, Stephen, 152
Darwin, Charles, 48, 60, 72
dating:
bad chemistry and, 60–61
communication and, 88
Internet, 28, 61, 109–10
pickiness and, 16, 185
“Should I Go on a Date with This Person I’m Interested In?” chart, 79–81
death, 23
dying alone, 19, 22–23
debts, xvi, xvii, xviii, 89, 116
decision making, xxiv, xxv
depression, xix, 7, 128, 222, 225
sense of humor and, 123–24, 126–27, 128, 129, 131
desperation, 227, 228
detective work (screening, due diligence), xii, xiv, xv–xix, 84, 85
charismatic people and, 6, 7
and meeting up with someone, 110
on person who avoids serious talk, 116–17
suspected behaviors and where to investigate, xvi–xix
diet, 48
disappointment, 164
divorce, xi, xix, 19, 73, 75, 106, 167n, 226
five things to consider before getting, 198–99
dogs, 17, 136, 157, 196
doing the dishes, 11
doughnuts, 69
dreamers, 224
drinking, see alcohol abuse
drug addiction, xviii, 54
humor and, 131
due diligence, see detective work
dying alone, 19, 22–23
Ecclesiastes, 69
effort, shared, see shared effort
emergency room, 136
emojis, 53, 86
emotions, ix, xxv
control of, 69
endorphins, 70
exercise, 44, 48
eyebrows, 45
Facebook, xvi, 33
familiarity, 67
family, having, see parenthood
family and parents, 137–66
arguments in, 151
being disliked by partner’s parent, 142, 144–45
boundaries and, 139, 144, 145
breakup’s effect on, 154, 156–57
chemistry and, 143, 145
closeness in, 160
conflicts in, 160–64
crises in, judging prospective partner by handling of, 151–53
culture and traditions of, 154, 156
examples of, 142–47, 154–57, 159–64
feedback from, on prospective partner, 154–55
future plans and, 152
good, having, 153–57
good, seeking, 142–47
good, things you want from, 140
influence on parenting, 138, 142, 159, 161–62
in-laws, 139, 159–64
in-laws and child care, 159, 162–63
jerky, 143, 145–46
marriage and, 159–65
meeting prospective partner’s parents, 139, 153–54
names and, 158
occupations and, 141
offers you must refuse from, 151
overwhelming, 154, 155
physical attributes and, 140–41
quiz on, 147–50
red flags and, 141
seeing partner’s parent more positively than they do, 142, 144
solid, traits associated with, 140–41
success in dealing with, 146–47
“We all end up marrying our parents,” 164–65
what attracts you first, 141
what to look for, what to achieve, and what not to be fooled by, 166
Family Feud, 132
feelings, ix, xxv
control of, 69
ferrets, xi
fights, 71, 106–7, 221
films, 190
finances, see money; wealth
Firefly, 23
five reasons good people can’t find good partners, 25–26
flakiness, xvii
flirting, 47, 66, 188
charisma and, 5–6, 12, 16, 18
permaflirts and, 66–67
red flags in, 72–73
FOMO, xxiii
football players, 41
football teams, 69
New England Patriots, 47
footwear, 109, 110
friends, xxiii, xxiv, 13, 23
beauty and, 40, 42
charisma and, 15–16
matchmaking by, 28
friend zone, 59, 96
F*ck Feelings (Bennett and Bennett), ix
fxckfeelings.com, xiii
Garcia-Winner, Michelle, 184
Gates, Bill, 215
genes, 60
geniuses, 41, 176, 197
rude Asperger’s-y stereotype of, 184–85
gift giving, and wealth, 206, 207–8
giving up, 228
goal(s), xi, 227
common, see common goals
major life, compatibility of relationship with, 135
marriage as, xii, xx, xxi, xxii–xxiv
going to bed angry, 71, 84, 106–7
goldfish, xix, 75
Green Party, xvi
guilt, 13, 14, 68, 69, 90, 219, 226, 228
haircuts, 17, 45, 54, 215–16
hanging on too long, 25
happiness, 43, 76
heartbreak, 33, 66
“heart wants what it wants, the,” 196
he started it, 53
high school, 41
honesty, 53, 54, 103
hormones, 70
hostility, 112
house repairs, 136
HPV, xviii
HR department, xiv
Hughes, John, 215
humor, see sense of humor
identity, new, xviii
“If I don’t find someone, I’ll die alone,” 22–23
illness, xviii, xix, 75–76
“I love you,” 100
“I’m sorry,” 100
infidelity, xv–xvi
of charismatic partner, 20
in-laws, 139, 159–64
parenting and, 159, 162–63
see also family and parents
intelligence, 171–97, 217
absentminded-professor type and, 191, 192–94
and Asperger’s and autism spectrum, 184–85, 186, 188
benefits of having partner with, 171
blondness and, 186, 189
character and, 175, 176–77
competitiveness and, 175–76, 178
different forms of, 172
disowning or hiding, 185–86, 187–88
dos and don’ts, 190
examples of, 175–79, 185–89, 191–96
genius, see geniuses
good things you want from, 173–74
having, 185–86
as intimidating, 192, 195–96
marriage and, 191–97
men preferring women they don’t intellectually respect, 176, 178–79
nonintellectual child and, 191–92, 194
occupations and, 174
overvaluing, 173, 176, 179, 185
physical attributes and, 174
quiz on, 180–83
red flags and, 174–75
seeking, 175–79
self-awareness and, 186–87
sexual attraction and, 176, 178–79
snobbishness and, 175, 177, 190
social skills and, 184–85, 186, 188–89
traits associated with, 174–75
unusual, 172, 176
what attracts you first, 174
what to look for, what to achieve, and what not to be fooled by, 197
work and, 172–73
interests, common, see common interests
F*ck Love: One Shrink's Sensible Advice for Finding a Lasting Relationship Page 23