Reckless Memories

by Catherine Cowles

  “Bell—” Ford took a small step forward.

  I jerked back, shaking my head. “I guess we didn’t know each other as well as I thought we did.” I ran up the stairs and into my apartment, slamming the door behind me. I paced the hardwood planks, back and forth. I couldn’t stay here. It was as if I could feel Ford’s presence through the walls.

  I glanced out the window to the parking lot below. Ford’s SUV was still here, but Caelyn’s and Kenna’s cars were both gone. I grabbed my purse and keys and headed down the outside stairs. I held my breath as I reached the bottom, as if that might make me invisible. I darted to my car and slipped behind the wheel.

  I didn’t let out my breath until I was a block away from The Catch. My body seemed to operate on autopilot, making each turn and stop just like I had countless times before. I parked in front of the small house on a quiet street. I closed my door as silently as possible, walking up the tidy pathway, barely taking notice of the new plants Caelyn had put in the ground for spring.

  I jogged up the steps and pulled out my spare key. I ducked inside, locking the door behind me. I let my purse fall to the floor in the living room as I climbed the ladder to the loft above the space. Hoisting myself up, I slipped off my shoes and sat down on the bed.

  Caelyn stirred. “Bell?” Her voice was thick with sleep. “What’s wrong?”

  “Can I stay here tonight?” My voice cracked, the tears flowing freely.

  “Oh, Bells.” Caelyn held up the covers, and I crawled in, my body shaking with silent sobs. Caelyn wrapped her arms around me in a hug. “What happened?”

  It took a minute for me to even get a single word out. “Ford,” I whispered between sniffles.

  She nodded, understanding, not asking anything more. “I’m so sorry you’re hurting.” She took my hand, squeezing it. “I’m here for you, always.”

  “I know. Thank you.” Caelyn always knew the right thing to say—or not say. She never judged or criticized, simply supported wherever you were on your journey. I snuggled deeper under the covers. “Love you.”

  “Forever, sister.”

  I forced my eyes closed, trying to think of anything but the look of devastation on Ford’s face, the feel of his betrayal across my skin. I’m not alone. I said it over and over again in my head until sleep finally claimed me.

  “Bells! You’re here, and it’s not even the weekend!”

  I grinned at Mia as I flipped a pancake on the stove. “I had an impromptu sleepover with Caelyn last night.”

  Her hands went to her small hips. “You had a sleepover and didn’t tell me?”

  I bit back a laugh. “How about we have our own this weekend?” Mia’s lips pressed together as if she were considering whether that was enough to make amends. “I’ll bring treats from The Mad Baker…”

  She brightened. “Deal!”

  Treats made everything better. I slid the final pancake out of the pan and onto the platter. “Go grab your seat, Mi, the pancakes are ready.”

  “Yes!” She shot her little fist into the air and ran for the table.

  “Hey, Bell.” Will sauntered into the kitchen. “You stay over last night?”

  “I did, and my payment is pancakes.”

  Will’s gaze traveled over my face, lingering on my eyes that I knew were still red and a little bit puffy. He didn’t say a word about it, though. “I’ll get everyone’s drinks.”

  The whole crew gathered around the table. Caelyn smiled at me. “Thanks for making breakfast.”

  “Anytime.”

  The meal was filled with laughter and getting updates on what the kids had been up to at school and after this week. Ava was competing in a spelling bee. Mia was thinking about taking gymnastic classes this summer. And I even got Will to open up about what books in English class he was enjoying. It was just what I needed.

  After breakfast, Caelyn and I sat on the front porch steps, keeping an eye on the kids as they waited for their buses. She knocked her shoulder into mine lightly. “How ya feeling this morning?”

  I blew out a long breath. “I’m not really sure. Not as raw as last night.”

  “That’s good.” She stayed silent then, letting the quiet draw more out of me.

  “He thought I blamed him for Vi’s death.”

  Caelyn inhaled sharply. “Seriously?”

  I nodded, still not quite able to wrap my head around the fact that he could think such a thing. “And he thought I was mad at him because of my scars. I don’t think it ever crossed his mind that I was hurt and angry because he left. I just”—I sighed—“I thought he knew me better than that.”

  Caelyn rubbed a hand up and down my back. “Grief has a way of warping the way we see ourselves and the world around us. Him thinking those things, it doesn’t have anything to do with you. It’s because he blames himself.”

  Caelyn’s words had my gut twisting, guilt swamping me. I didn’t want to feel sympathy for Ford. I wanted to hold on to my anger. Because anger was a much more comfortable place for me to live than the messiness of the other emotions that swam around Ford and me. “I hate that he’s been living with those thoughts in his head. But I just can’t let go of my mad either.”

  “You’re allowed to have both, Bell.” Caelyn’s hand stilled on my back. “You’ve always been all or nothing. But life is shades of gray. You can be upset and hurt and still love him.”

  My body tensed when she said “love.” Of course I loved Ford. He’d been in my life since the day I was born. But the word had guilt bubbling up inside me. Guilt for the feelings I’d had for my sister’s boyfriend, guilt for the strands of attraction I still felt today.

  Guilt because I was here, and she wasn’t.

  I swallowed it all down, trying to lock it away. “For so long, I wanted nothing more than for him to come back. And now…I just wish he’d stayed in LA.” Because while Ford had been gone, I’d put my broken life back together. I had been doing just fine. No, more than fine, I’d been doing great. And having him back…it was like having mostly healed stitches ripped open.

  “You might not be glad now, but you will be one day.”

  I twisted to face Caelyn. “Why?”

  She lifted a shoulder and gave me a small smile. “Because he’s a part of you.”

  15

  Ford

  A sharp breeze cut in from the ocean as I walked along the shore. I welcomed the slight sting against my cheeks. I hadn’t slept a single minute last night. After Bell had stormed upstairs, I’d stood in stunned silence for…I didn’t know how long.

  I’d spent the night circling everything around and around in my brain, trying to figure out how I’d gotten things so wrong. I landed on one thought. Because I was selfish. I had been so wrapped up in my own grief and guilt that I’d assumed that Bell felt the same way I did. That it was my fault. That she wouldn’t want the reminders my presence would bring. Sure, it hadn’t helped that Heather Kipton had said that Bell didn’t want to see me, but I had known to take everything that came out of that woman’s mouth with a grain of salt.

  It was that selfishness that had done the most damage. Not believing Heather’s lies. Not my inability to avoid the deer. Not the scars that had been carved into Bell’s skin. And I had no idea how to heal a wound that I’d inflicted by being so focused on myself. And it wasn’t just Bell I’d hurt this way. It was my parents. Hunter. Friends from high school that I’d ignored and let fall away.

  I scrubbed a hand over my stubbled jaw and turned to face the water. I wanted to fix it. To heal those relationships. But I had no idea where to even start. Wave after wave crashed into the shore. I could feel each hit. Each collision a reminder of the hurt I’d inflicted on those I loved because I couldn’t deal with the past.

  I inhaled deeply, the cold salt air stinging my nose. I had to face it. I might not be able to heal the past hurts, but I could keep myself from inflicting new damage. I glanced around, taking stock of where I was.

  A small smile pulled at m
y mouth as I shook my head. I’d been walking for hours. Walking and thinking and torturing myself with all the mistakes I’d made. And I’d ended up at the base of a cliff that held the graveyard Violet rested in.

  I was moving before I could think better of it. Making my way towards the beach stairs that climbed the cliffside. I hadn’t set foot inside these grounds since I’d returned, hadn’t even really considered it. But I knew in this moment, I needed to. I had to face it. I couldn’t run anymore. It would eventually destroy me and everyone I loved.

  By the time I reached the top of the steps, I was breathing heavily, part physical exertion and partly the anxiety whipping through my body. I took in the headstones dotting the well-manicured grass. There were new ones, and ones that looked to have been there for hundreds of years, battered and worn by the seaside weather.

  The first step was the hardest, as if there were an invisible force field working against me. I moved forward anyway. Each step was a little easier. I wove my way through the maze of graves, scanning the names. I had no idea where Violet’s was. I’d never asked my parents, and they wouldn’t have dared to bring it up.

  My steps faltered as I caught sight of the headstone, the rock that marked a life cut way too short. It was perfectly Violet, understated yet somehow elegant. It held her name, the dates she’d lived, and who she was. Daughter. Sister. Child of God. I think Violet would’ve liked it if she could’ve seen it. Who knows, maybe she could. There was nothing on the stone that represented who she was to me, though. Nothing that read first love or anything like that.

  I wanted to be represented there somehow. I needed something that showed what she meant to me. She was my first everything. Date. Kiss. Fumbling sex. We’d grown up together. Built an innocent life, one that was full of hopes and dreams and grand plans. But it had fractured, exploded into a million pieces. Violet’s pieces were irreparable. But mine, they’d come back together in a new image. One that wasn’t as naïve as the old me. A reimagined person that knew the reality of loss and pain. That knew life didn’t always work out as you planned.

  “Hi, Vi.” My voice came out ragged, as if I’d smoked an entire pack of cigarettes the night before. I licked my lips that suddenly felt as dry as the desert. “I’m sorry I haven’t been by before. It was just too hard.” I blew out a harsh breath. “God, that makes me sound like such a pansy.” I tipped my head back, shaking it and grinning up at the sky before looking back at the stone. “But if anyone would understand and be forgiving, it would be you. You always let me off the hook.”

  I studied the flowers around the headstone. They weren’t bouquets like on the other graves. They were neatly potted plants, clearly carefully tended to. I eased myself onto the ground, leaning against the marker behind me. “Your sister doesn’t brush stuff under the rug like you. Can’t let it go quite so easily.”

  They were always as different as night and day, but those differences seemed to stand out in even more stark contrast now. The things I’d loved so much about Violet—her gentleness, the comfort we had with each other—I didn’t know if they’d be enough for me now. Just thinking about it had my gut churning. My relationship with her had always been easy. We knew each other backwards and forwards.

  My mind caught on that last point. But did we? She knew my favorite pizza toppings and that I always sat in the middle seat of the middle row in a movie theater, but did she know the stuff that lay below? I hadn’t shared with her how much I’d wanted to travel the globe. Had only hinted that I had doubted our plan of going to Seattle University and then moving back to the island to get married and start a family.

  I’d loved Violet. But it was an innocent, naïve love. That didn’t make it less, it simply made it part of my journey—just not the fire that would consume my entire path.

  “I’m so sorry, Vi.” My voice hitched as a tear escaped. “You deserved so much more. A life full of all your dreams coming true. God, I want that for you so badly. Even if I don’t think I was the man to give it to you.”

  I leaned forward, pressing my palm to the smooth stone. “I’ll always love you. But I have to let this guilt go.” I would’ve given anything in that moment to hear Violet answer me, to hear her voice just one more time, telling me that everything was going to be okay. But all I got was the wind.

  I sighed and leaned back, staring at the stone. “I hurt Bell. I hurt her, and I don’t know how to fix it. If you were here, you’d help me. We’d wear her down together, no matter how stubborn she was being.”

  I plucked up a blade of grass and twisted it around my finger. “She’s amazing, you know that? She single-handedly kept the bar afloat, helps Caelyn with her brother and sisters, and she’s beautiful. God, Vi, she’s heart-stopping.”

  I bit the inside of my cheek. “You’d be so damn proud of her. I love watching her shine.” But it was more than that, words I couldn’t say out loud. Places I couldn’t allow myself to go, even in my head. There was this pull to Bell, low and steady but getting stronger every day. I didn’t know what to do with it. I kept trying to fight against it, but I was beginning to doubt I was strong enough.

  The sound of a twig snapping had my head jerking around. My eyes scanned the trees that lined the graveyard. There was a flash of movement, and then nothing. It had to be a deer. Tourists had started feeding them, and now they were as brazen as could be. But a little flicker of unease slid over my skin just the same.

  16

  Bell

  The sound of the back door closing had my spine straightening and muscles tensing, but I didn’t dare look up. I kept my eyes firmly focused on rearranging the bottles of liquor after I’d dusted the shelves. Footsteps echoed against the cement floors. I became singularly focused on making sure the labels were all facing out towards the bar. The scent of snickerdoodle muffins and a hint of woodsy cologne filled my senses, tempting me to turn. I refused.

  A throat cleared. “I brought you the good stuff.”

  Slowly, so very slowly, I pivoted. I focused on the bag in Ford’s hands. I couldn’t seem to make myself take in his face, scared of what I might find there. “Thanks. There’s coffee in the kitchen.”

  “Look at me, Bell.” I couldn’t. “Please.” It was the rawness in his voice that forced my gaze to obey. There was so much pain in his eyes, agony that called to my own. I took a single step forward. “I’ve fucked up so many times. But nothing will ever hurt more than you thinking I didn’t care. I thought about you every damn day, wanted to call, to come and see you—”

  “Then why didn’t you?” My tone wasn’t accusing, it was matter-of-fact. I just needed the truth.

  Ford set the bakery bag on the bar and scrubbed a hand over his jaw. “I’ve been thinking about that a lot over the past twelve hours. And there’s not a simple answer.”

  My back teeth ground together. “I’ve got time.” No more runaround. I needed to hear it all.

  “Okay.” Ford let out a long breath, steadying himself as if preparing for battle. “Did you know your parents threatened to sue me?”

  My body jolted as if I’d just touched a live wire. “What?” No. I knew they had been angry after the accident, hurting. But threatening to sue Ford? There was no way.

  He edged a little closer. “It’s only part of the picture.”

  A sickening feeling took root in my stomach. “Can you give me the whole thing?” Violet, the accident, the wreckage left behind, it had all been a no-go zone for us. But if we truly wanted to mend things between us, we’d have to dig it all up and rip all those wounds open again.

  Ford nodded. “When I woke up in the hospital, and they told me what had happened, that we’d lost Vi, the first thing I did was ask to see you. I needed to make sure you were okay. I was terrified. Scared to death that you were going to hate me forever, but I still needed to see you.”

  His body seemed to tremble as he took in another breath. “When I asked my parents to find a way for me to see you, they told me that your parents had refused t
hem access. They didn’t want us anywhere near you or them. When I pushed it, your mother came to my hospital room and informed me that if I contacted them or you, they’d sue me for wrongful death. God, Bell. I was so damn young. I thought I knew it all then. But looking back, I was just a kid. She said you didn’t want to see me, and part of me believed her.”

  It was as if someone were tearing at my insides. Tears burned my eyes, trying to break free. “Ford…” I didn’t know what to say after that, could only get out his name.

  He shook his head. “So, I ran. Ran to school, and then LA, and tried to bury it all. The truth is, I blamed myself. If I had just been quicker, paid better attention, something, none of it would’ve happened. I thought you would blame me, too. But I was putting all my own thoughts and feelings on you. I was so damn focused on myself, so selfish. And I didn’t think about everything you might be going through beyond losing your sister. I didn’t even consider that you’d think I abandoned you.”

  The tears I’d been trying to hold back spilled over and ran down my cheeks. “Ford—”

  “I’m so damn sorry, Trouble.” The nickname was my breaking point. My knees gave way, and Ford caught me just before I hit the floor. He lifted me up, wrapping his arms around me in the tightest of hugs, whispering in my ear. “I’m so sorry.” He whispered it over and over, rocking me back and forth as I sobbed.

  I didn’t know how long we stood there, Ford holding the majority of my weight. “It’s going to be okay.” He squeezed me tighter as my sobs slowed. “We’re going to be okay.”

  “I’m sorry.” I’d held so much anger in my heart for him. Thought him a coward and cruel for leaving the way he did. But he’d been broken too, and my parents had dealt a death blow on top of everything that had already happened. I gave a little jerk, startling out of Ford’s arms. “Why didn’t your parents tell me what mine had done?”