Reckless Memories

by Catherine Cowles

  I opened my mouth to say yes, but Bell answered first. “I don’t think I could eat another bite.”

  “Just the check. Thank you.” I studied Bell. Something was off. Her eyes were pinched as if she were trying to find the answer to some ridiculously long calculus problem in her head. Or maybe she simply didn’t feel well. “Are you all right?”

  Her head snapped up, and she nodded. “I’ve just got a little headache. I think I’m overdue for a good night’s sleep.”

  “Let’s get you home and into bed, then.” She smiled weakly at me. Somehow, I didn’t think a headache was the full story.

  39

  Bell

  “I woke up, and you weren’t in bed.”

  Ford’s words were more of a growl than a statement. I gave him my best smile and handed him an omelet that I’d started making the second I heard him stirring. “I woke up early and didn’t want to wake you.” More like I’d barely slept. I’d feigned sleep until I sensed Ford had dropped off next to me, and then I’d tossed and turned the whole night.

  Ford took the plate I handed him as his gaze traveled over my face, searching. “You should’ve woken me.”

  My lips twitched. “Okay, grumpy.”

  He scowled at me. “I’m not grumpy. I just like waking up with you in my arms. I panicked when I woke up and you were gone.”

  My heart clenched. Which was it? That he loved having me in his arms, or that he was simply worried something would happen to me? I couldn’t seem to grab hold of any sort of perspective when it came to Ford. I’d told him that I loved him, but he’d not once returned the sentiment. He’d said he was planning to stay, but something in me doubted he could handle what life would look like day after day. My stomach churned. What was the truth?

  Ford slid onto a stool at the kitchen bar. “Anything you want to do before work?”

  I twirled my cell phone between my fingers. “Actually, I’ve got a date with your mom.”

  Ford paused with the bite of omelet halfway to his mouth. “Okay…”

  “She thought you could go with your dad on his daily walk while we baked.”

  “I don’t know, Bell.”

  I leaned a hip against the counter, meeting Ford’s gaze. “We’ll be fine. Doors will be locked while you’re away.” I hated the worry in Ford’s eyes. Loathed what it might mean. The idea that Ford might have confused concern for love had landed in my head somewhere around three a.m., and I hadn’t been able to let it go.

  Kara’s gaze bounced from my face to Ford’s and down to our clasped hands. She gave a little squeal. “I heard some talk around town, but seeing it…you two just make me so happy.”

  She threw her arms around Ford, and he released my hand to pat her back. “Okay, Mom. Let’s dial it back.”

  Frank chuckled. “Come on, Kara, let the kids breathe.”

  She turned on her husband, giving him a mock glare. “You will not steal my joy in this moment. My boy is dating a girl I love like my own daughter. I’m allowed to be excited.”

  Frank grinned. “Just don’t strangle them with one of those overexcited hugs.”

  “I’d never.” Kara wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “You two go for your walk. And take a long one. I need time with my girl.”

  Warmth flooded me at Kara’s words, but a sinking dread followed closely on its heels. So many people would be affected if this relationship blew up in my face.

  “Make sure you lock the door, Mom.”

  Kara waved her son off. “I will, I will.” We stepped inside, and she flipped the lock. “He’s protective of you, huh?”

  I grimaced. “Just a little.”

  Kara laughed. “You’ll get used to it.” She glanced out the window. “And it should ease when they catch whoever’s doing this.”

  “I hope so.”

  Kara led me into the kitchen, where ingredients were already laid out for chocolate chip cookies. I smiled at the familiar sight. I’d spent countless afternoons in this kitchen growing up, making these very cookies. There was a lived-in warmth here that had always been absent at my own home. There was never a rebuke for making a mess, but you’d always be expected to clean it up. There was never criticism for making a mistake in the baking, just a gentle hand showing you the way. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes.

  Kara gripped my shoulders. “What is it, honey?”

  The flood I’d been trying to hold back spilled over. And once it started, I couldn’t stop it. The tears tracked down my face faster and faster. I didn’t know how to answer her, couldn’t put into words what was wrong. I gasped for breath. “I’m scared.” The words were out before I could even consider what they meant.

  “Sit.” Kara eased me into a chair before quickly running for a glass of water, setting it in front of me. She rubbed a hand up and down my back. “That’s it. Just let it all out. You’ve been holding too much inside.”

  I hiccupped as I nodded, the tears still coming. Kara was so different from my mother, not telling me to stuff things away, but instead encouraging me to let every last thing I was feeling out into the open. She’d always been this way, gently probing, asking questions that led me to honestly think about what I was feeling. Without her, I didn’t think I would’ve handled Vi’s death at all. I simply would’ve detonated at some point.

  I wasn’t sure how much time had passed while we sat at the worn kitchen table, Kara rubbing my back and me letting the tears fall freely, but eventually my crying slowed and then stopped. I pulled another tissue from the box on the table. “I’m sorry.”

  Kara made a tsking noise. “You know we don’t apologize for feelings in this house.”

  I gave her a wobbly smile. “I love that about your house.”

  Kara patted my hand and pushed my glass of water closer. “Drink some of this, and then we are going to talk this through. Feelings aren’t as scary when we know why we’re experiencing them.” I nodded and took a drink. “Is this about the man who’s been harassing you and Ford?”

  She hid her worry well, but I could hear it sneaking into her tone. “I think that’s part of it.”

  “But not the biggest part.”

  I shook my head.

  “Ford,” she whispered. It wasn’t a question. It was a statement. She knew me way too well.

  “He said he wants to stay, but I just can’t keep myself from doubting it’s even possible. I love him so much, but he hasn’t said those words back. I’m worried he’s confusing care and concern with something more.” The words spilled out in a speedy jumble, the thoughts that had been tangling in my head all night bursting free. I’d twisted Ford’s every word and action forwards, backwards, upside down, and inside out. I’d twisted them to the point that I was driving myself just a little bit insane.

  “Oh, honey.” Kara grabbed my hand. “I wish I could give us both a guarantee that he’ll stay. I wish I could give you a promise that everything will work out perfectly, but I can’t. I do know that my boy loves you. He might not be saying it with his words, but he’s showing it with his actions. He never would’ve even considered coming back to Anchor permanently before you.”

  I swallowed against the tears that were gathering at the back of my throat. “It hurt so bad when he left before. And I wasn’t in love with him then. Not like this.” I hadn’t known what it was like to truly have Ford. Now, I did. The touch of his fingers on my skin, how safe I felt in his arms, how understood and seen he made me feel just in the way he listened.

  Kara squeezed my hand. “I wish I could protect you from all the hurts in this world, but the only way to do that is not to live, and I don’t want that for you.”

  I bit down on my bottom lip, nodding. “I’m just so tired of all the unknowns. Tired of being scared that I’m going to get hurt. I realized I’ve had my walls up so high.” I lifted my head. “Kara, I don’t let anyone new into my life. It’s you, Frank, Hunter, and my girls. That’s it. Sure, I’m friendly with other people, but I don’t let them in. I don’
t want to live my life in fear all the time.”

  “Then you’re just going to have to let yourself fall.”

  “I already have.” I only hoped the landing didn’t kill me.

  40

  Ford

  “Mom said you and Bell came by for a visit.”

  I handed Hunter his local ale and Crosby his Guinness. “We did. But they kicked Dad and me out so they could have their girl talk.”

  Hunter chuckled. “Pouting isn’t a good look on you, bro.”

  I grimaced. I was pouting, and it was pathetic. “I think being with Mom helped. Bell seemed a little better after their time together.”

  “Mom always knows how to tend to any wound.”

  I grabbed a rag and wiped down the bar top. “I just wish she’d give me a clue how to do the same.” When Dad and I returned from our walk, it was clear that both my mom and Bell had been crying. I’d pulled Bell into my arms and given Mom a dirty look. She’d just laughed and told me not to be so overdramatic. But neither of them would tell me what the hell was going on. I’d even cornered Mom alone in the kitchen to ask her, and she’d said that the conversations between Bell and her would always be private.

  Hunter chuckled. “She wouldn’t tell you what they talked about, would she?”

  “No,” I growled.

  Crosby grinned as he took a sip of his beer. “Your mom is the best.”

  “Not when she’s keeping secrets and won’t tell me why Bell’s been upset for the past few days.”

  “There has been a lot going on, brother. Cut her some slack.”

  My hand fisted around the towel, pushing it harder into the wood of the bar. I knew that Bell had been through the wringer lately. The past couple of months had been a rollercoaster for her, and now someone was lurking around and making her feel unsafe. But it was more. I couldn’t put my finger on it exactly, but she looked as if she were expecting the whole world to fall out from under her at any moment. And there was nothing I could think to do to make her feel safe, steady. The feeling of powerlessness that brought had me snapping at people all day. Hank and Caelyn had given me a wide berth since lunch, but Bell was still lost in her own world.

  “Maybe you two should take a getaway. Some distance might help,” Crosby offered.

  “I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Hunter argued.

  I hung the towel back on its hook. “I already tried to get her to go away with me. No dice.”

  “Get who to go away with you?” Ethan asked as he eased onto an empty stool beside Hunter.

  “Bell, who else?” Hunter eyed me. “Unless you’ve got another girlfriend we don’t know about.”

  I threw a coaster frisbee-style and hit Hunter in the chest. “Don’t be an asshole.”

  “Yeah, and definitely don’t let Bell hear you say anything like that,” Crosby muttered.

  Ethan took a pull on his beer. “So, you two are officially together?”

  “We are.” The whispers and stares had only intensified since our date. It seemed every local that came in was here for the Ford and Bell show more than the alcohol and food. At least Ethan had the decency to come out and just ask, instead of talking around the subject.

  He glanced around the bar. “How are people taking it?”

  Hunter shifted on his stool. “Mostly just staring and whispering like nosy assholes.”

  I scanned the tables surrounding the bar, over Caelyn chatting up some more of Hunter’s crew, my eyes not stopping until they reached Bell. She smiled down at a family as she took their orders, but the expression was forced. What the hell was going on?

  “You’re making that face like you want to kill someone,” Crosby said, taking another sip of his beer.

  Not someone, just circumstance. I had half a mind to kidnap Bell and take her away from here no matter what she said. We needed time, just the two of us. “Hey, Caelyn,” I called over the din of the bar noise.

  She shoved her notepad in her pocket and headed my way, not looking too happy. “What did you do to my girl?”

  I arched a brow. “Your girl?”

  “Yes, my girl. She was all sunshine and roses even though the world was going to hell around her. But now, she’s got the sad eyes. I haven’t seen those in a very long time. So, what’d you do?”

  My back molars ground together. “I don’t know.”

  Caelyn threw up her hands. “Seriously? Then how are you going to fix it?”

  I glared at her. “I’m going to ask if you and Hank can close so I can take Bell home early and get to the bottom of this.” She was going to tell me what was going on, even if we had to stay up all night. My girl was stubborn, but so was I.

  “I like the sound of that. Maybe have some nice make-up sex to round out the night?”

  Hunter groaned. “I do not need to hear that.”

  “Caelyn…” I warned.

  She held up both hands. “All right, all right. I can close.” Her stare seemed to bore into me. “Just bring that smile back.”

  “I’ll do my best.”

  The night seemed to drag, more and more locals pouring in, more and more questioning stares. I was about two seconds away from biting someone’s head off.

  “Hey, Ford.” The tone was meant to be seductive, but it grated on my nerves.

  “Hey, Lacey. What can I get you?” The last thing Bell needed tonight was Lacey goading her into a fight. Bell hadn’t mentioned her since I’d returned, but the brief encounters I’d had with Lacey a few weeks ago had told me that nothing had changed in her world. And that meant she was probably still giving Bell shit. I’d suffer through taking her orders and making her girlie drinks all night if it meant she left Bell alone.

  “How about a daiquiri?” She leaned over the bar, making sure I got a nice view of her ample cleavage, and plucked up a cherry from behind the bar.

  “We don’t serve frozen drinks here, Lace. How about a vodka cran?”

  She gave a pout that was supposed to look cute but just looked ridiculous on anyone over the age of ten. “Not even for me?” Lacey popped the cherry into her mouth, pulling out the stem.

  “Not even for you. Vodka cran?”

  A hint of annoyance flickered in her gaze. “Can you handle a cosmo?”

  “That I can do.” I got to work pouring ice into a shaker.

  “So, Ford…” Lacey let her words dangle, and I braced myself for what was to come next. “The rumors aren’t true, are they? They must be something Isabelle started.”

  I stiffened but forced myself to pour the cranberry juice into the shaker. “What rumors?”

  “That you two are dating.” She said it as if the idea were disgusting.

  I added a squeeze of lime. “This is the one time I’m happy to say the rumor mill got it right.” I shook the drink before pouring it into a cocktail glass.

  I turned to see Lacey gaping at me. I ignored her reaction and set the glass down on the bar. “Here you go. That’ll be fourteen even. You want to start a tab, or cash out now?”

  Lacey reached out, grabbing my arm. “You can’t, Ford. What would Violet think? That’s her sister.”

  I stepped out of Lacey’s hold but held her stare. “You don’t know a damn thing about what Violet would think. And you know even less about me. Now, cash or tab?”

  41

  Bell

  I couldn’t un-see it. The image was burned so clearly in my mind, it was as if a branding iron had put it there. Lacey’s hand resting gently, almost lovingly, on Ford’s arm. She’d had worry written all over her face. What did she know about Ford that required her concern?

  I’d forced my gaze away quickly, but it wasn’t fast enough. My stomach roiled. I jumped as a hand landed on my shoulder. I squealed.

  “Shit, I’m sorry, Bell. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You looked upset.”

  I rested a hand on my chest, breathing heavily. “Sorry. I was in another world.”

  Hunter’s face hardened. “Someone giving you troubl
e?”

  I shook my head. “No, I promise. Just spinning my wheels about something.” When Ford had bailed, Hunter and Ethan had taken it upon themselves to look out for me. I appreciated it, but it wasn’t necessary.

  “Is everything okay with you and Ford?”

  Apparently, Hunter wasn’t giving up. “We’re fine. It’s just weird having people whisper and stare.”

  Hunter scanned the crowd. “People are gonna talk. You and Ford? No one thought they’d ever see it happen. That’s fodder for gossip for years to come.”

  Hunter was right. On an island the size of Anchor, people would always talk, and I’d always be faced with Lacey coming into the bar and putting her hands on my boyfriend. Was that even the right term? Ford and I hadn’t made any formal agreements. Maybe he thought he was free to take someone else to bed. I gave my head a little shake. That wasn’t Ford.

  “Bell, are you sure you’re all right?”

  I nodded. “I just need to run to the ladies’. See you later.” I barely made it into one of the stalls before my stomach emptied its contents. I braced myself against the wall as I heaved. I knew my brain was twisting things, but I couldn’t seem to stop it.

  When my stomach was finally empty, I struggled to my feet. “Get ahold of yourself, Bell.” I made my way to the sink, splashing some water on my face and rinsing out my mouth. Thankfully, we kept mouthwash and little cups under the sink.

  I took a deep breath and met my reflection in the mirror. I was paler than usual, dark circles rimming my eyes. There was no spark there like there usually was. I pressed my palm to my chest, where the tattoo and scars peeked out of my t-shirt. “What am I doing?”

  I closed my eyes, straining to hear an answer, begging for some sort of reassurance. All I got was silence. I’d have to figure this one out myself. I opened my eyes and let my hands drop to my sides. You have to let yourself fall. I heard the echo of Kara’s words in my mind. Maybe falling meant telling Ford exactly how I felt and why I was terrified. No more second-guessing or twisting his motives in my mind, just lay it all out there. I let out a long breath. I could do that.